My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me because of my past? What should I do?

Question

My boyfriend's is the only man I've ever loved, he helped me through the darkest period of my life and I want nothing more to marry and start a family with him. The problem is one of his friends recognised me and told him about my promiscuous past. My boyfriend has only ever slept with 2 other women, both of who he loved so I kept this hidden from him. He has this idea that marriage with a promiscuous women will fail so has given me an ultimatum. Either I stay with him with the understanding that he will never marry me or we end our relationship. He also says that he has to be upfront with me about the fact that he has reputation for being respectable and that if more people in the future recognize me as "someone they banged" he would break up with me. Leaving is absolutely not an option for me and I've begged him to change his mind but I don't know what to do next. It feels like I have to make an impossible choice.

virginbish · Accepted Answer

It kinda sucks that he had to hear it from someone else, which is why he prolly reacted this way.
It might have still tortured him if he heard it from you, but having a long thought out conversation about this topic might have helped him see it from your end, and seen it in a different light (especially if you told him how much you regret it, the fact that you were in a very dark place, and that you don't want anyone else besides him)

He might have been able to see past it (or if not) he wouldn't have had to feel like he lost your trust for not hearing it First from you.
I wouldn't agree to his ultimatum, I would sit down and write him a long ass letter (thought out) that explains your end of the story, your thoughts and feelings and reflections, why you couldn't tell him, how much you respect him for his values, how much you want to be good enough for him, and how hard it was to change your ways but that you did and thats what counts. and although it was hard (or maybe it wasn't... I don't know) that your lifestyle now is what you really want and you don't ever want to go back to your old ways.

Tell him that you apologize for putting a dent into his reputation, but that if he can't see past it... as much as it hurts you, you will know that he never truly loved your soul and all the tibulations and imperfections that life inevitably puts us all through. We all have something we aren't proud of, and if we don't we will in the future.
And just like he picked you up in your darkest moments, you would gladly do the same for him if he took the leap of faith and trusted in you and trusted that you would try your hardest to be the best wife and mother to his kids.

I would highly suggest writing it all out and thinking carefully of the words and flow, because conversations about hard topics can sometimes lead to hurtful words or arguments if you don't put in the effort to break them into manageable parts with many breaks to recollect and compose yourselves.

If you feel like your communication is really good, then I think you'll be fine.
The key is helping him through this, because I'm sure he loves you... but feels like he is undermining his values by marrying you. Show him that isn't the case, help him see it from a different perspective, and show him that you accept his values and wouldn't have it any other way. he just need to get over the shock and the images prolly that's passing through his mind

wat3rfallz · Accepted Answer

Hey, girl. I don't know why you said leaving is not an option. But you shouldn't be begging to be in a relationship. Regarding your promiscuous past, it is a past. Looking that you're only 18 - 24 shows that you're really young. If he is concerned more about his reputation than you. He also didn't try to understand why you were like that in the past. I guess he just don't love you as much as he loves himself. Obviously you wants a family with him but he would never marry you. Why do you still want to stay in that relationship? He doesn't trust you anymore and sooner or later, he will not love you and find someone new. It's harsh, but I believe you need know this. There is a saying in Chinese that means something like this, it is better to end the sufferings now than to endure a long period of sufferings. I hope you walk out of the relationship fast while both of you are still not that hurt and both of you can keep your beautiful memories. If things gets bad in the future, the moment you break up, you will only have heartbreaks and hatred towards each other.

CallMeDave · Accepted Answer

How is he treating you now after he found out about your past? Is it any different than before? If he's still treating you well (other than being upset about this issue) and you are happy being with him, then my thought is that you should consider staying with him but not pushing for marriage and see how things go. Maybe in time he'll start to feel differently. Apparently he still likes you enough that he's willing to stay with you (but just not get married), so that's probably a good sign. Some guys would probably have just ended the relationship immediately.

How long has it been since his friend told him about your past? If it's relatively recently he might still be dealing with that. I think I'd be pretty upset if I found out that my girlfriend had slept with a bunch of guys I know and was hiding that from me. That would make me feel like I'm not very special to her since she's not selective about what guys she has sex with and it would damage my trust in her because she had been hiding it. (My thought would be "what else is she hiding?")

It would take a while to get over that, but in time if I was happy with her otherwise and she showed me that from now on she would be open and honest and faithful and I was able to get to where I was confident that she was committed to me and wouldn't cheat on me, I'd likely still want to be with her.

It will probably take a while, but if you can show him that what you are now is not what you were in the past, I think in time there's a reasonable chance that he'll be able to let it go, but I think you will need to be patient and be sure not to do anything else to damage his trust or his confidence that you'll be faithful to him.

Aethereal · Accepted Answer

Your boyfriend sounds like the kind of guy for whom sex and intimacy are the same, or who only believes in lovemaking (as opposed to meaningless sex/one-night stands). I can understand how he must feel to learn something like this about the girl he probably wanted to marry.
Try putting yourself in his shoes, how would you feel if sex was a big deal to you, but your boyfriend reveals that before you, he was a player/fuckboy?
Consider it; he's probably wondering if it's possible for someone who's treated sex so lightly in the past to be satisfied with being with only one person for the rest of her life. He might wonder how often you're comparing him to past partners (and are disappointed), whether he'll be able to satisfy you, and a whole lot of other possible thoughts. It might not be a fact, but your history does broadly suggest that you might cheat at some point, and think nothing of it. That's what I would personally worry about anyway. At the very least, there is a risk that you'll suggest things like polyamory or open marriages at some point. It's like investing in a risky business.

My suggestion is a compromise; have a no-strings attached wedding i. e. sign a pre-nup. It might put his mind at ease. He wants to be with you still, which means he still loves you. But if he's noping out of marriage, he might not be liking the risk.

pervertedjester · Answer

If you had to lie about it in the first place, it's not the relationship for you.

MzAsh · Answer

He doesn’t respect you as a man should respect his woman. You also don’t respect yourself because if you did, you would not beg. NEVER BEG A MAN, ever.

He’s controlling and insecure and your livelihood will be done for if you continue to associate with such a toxic person.

YOU are the authority over your life. NOT him. Don’t let him forget it. Leave, now.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

"he has reputation for being respectable" so he won't marry you because someone may recognize you as a pass-around girl, but he will stay with you long term and have children out of wedlock? And that IS respectable?

StingRayxoxo · Answer

Yes, your number is high but that isn't the point. He sounds like a dummy. Everyone has a past and your commitment to him is the important thing. If he thinks differently of you already, it's not worth staying in it.
I understand the hesitancy of being with someone who has a high number of past partners. Do you feel like you could commit to him with fidelity?

Apope16 · Answer

It would freak me out too. Like whats your number? A hundred guys? Show love a loyalty. He will come around. Tell him, If not, beak up

SueShe · Answer

40+ at the age of 24. Assuming that you started at the legal age of 18 (why would you want to be illegal anyway) that gives an average of close to 6 guys per year or a fresh guy/meat every 2 months.

You got yourself a reputation of man eater.

When your past catches up with your present, there is not much you can do about it but move away into a country/state where you can start anew and where no one recognizes you.

Unless of course you have also left a number of traces on the Internet, in which case you are not safe anywhere anymore.

I am in favor of giving most people a 2nd. chance but there, it is clearly stretching it to the maximum.

Honestly, I would have a real hard time myself, mainly because I am a faithful person and that I expect my partner (if I had one) to abide by the same standards as I do.

It is hard to know that the person that you love has such a heavy past that will definitely put a stress on his faith towards you. What prevents you not to have more partners in the future if the conditions are ideal, like they were in the past?

You (hopefully) did not cheat physically on him but you failed to address the important issue that makes the whole difference between trusting you and being scared of a common future with you.

There is absolutely no guarantee whatsoever that you cannot fall back into the old habits and then, if you have children, not only will he lose you in case of a divorce but he will most likely lose his children as well because, let's face it, courts tend to close both eyes when it comes to assigning parental authority of children of a divorced couple.

What would you do in his case? Would you trust your own self or would the risk be too high?

Dongtai · Answer

He’s not as respectful as he thinks he is. People treat sex like this sacred taboo thing. Screw that. Sex is amazing. I’ve dated way too many prudes and I’ll tell you this, if I met a woman who was sexually uninhibited I would think she’s a godsend.

A high number means she obviously loves sex, she has experience and knows what she wants/needs sexually. A person with a lot of sexual experience is LESS likely to cheat. Why? Because they’ve already had their wild phase. They don’t need to “explore”. By the 40 mark I would assume you know what you want and need when it comes to sex and intimacy.

You need to think about this from your own perspective. This guy sounds incredibly sexually stuck up. Think about it. He’s not concerned about the important things like health or loyalty.

He’s worried about his little reputation. And he’s only slept with TWO WOMEN. If you like sex that much it’s probably one of those “needs” in a relationship for you. Can he even satisfy that need if he’s that worried about “looking bad”.

Trust me there are plenty of guys out there who don’t care about the number and can make you feel the way you feel about him. You just have to date around and find that man. Please don’t settle for someone who makes you feel the way you are isn’t good enough. He may seem amazing now but a few months down the road after the honeymoon phase dies down and he’s still being judgmental, it’s going to mess with your self-esteem. Do not commit to people who only like “parts” of you. Be with someone who likes all of you. Past, present and future.

I’ve been here before and it doesn’t end well. You will lose yourself. Your self-respect and confidence will die the more you try to prove your worth to him and if it ends, it will be VERY hard to find yourself again. It’s not worth it. Find someone who likes you the way you like him

hellionthesagereborn · Answer

That is a hard choice. First and foremost this is why you don't hide your past, it will come back to bite you in the ass. Now that its occurred what can you do to rectify it? You can show you have changed, you can explain why you did what you did, etc. in the hope of getting him to see that it was a mistake and that you have changed. You can stick around and hope that he will change his mind but if nothing changes then his view will not change. Promiscuity is wrong and damaging and being concerned about your past is reasonable HOWEVER its also reasonable to give people a chance. We all screw up we all make mistakes and preventing some one from changing by damning them forever for a mistake only encourages the very thing your condemning. So while him condemning the behavior is reasonable him refusing you redemption from it is absolutely unacceptable. Personally I would say leave but since that isn't an option the only thing you can do is stay with him and try to show that you are a changed woman. Get him to understand your position ask what you can do to change his mind, not now right now he is still probably very upset with learning that you lied to him about your past (or intentionally omitted it knowing he would be upset over it), but later you'll need to have that talk with him when he has calmed down from this and when he can go back to trusting you. I wish you the best of luck regardless as no one deserves to be condemned forever.

Prezzi3 · Answer

If a man can accept your truth and recognize the fact that you’re not in that same place, and that you have grown to be an even better woman and person, leave him. I know you think you can’t leave or you won’t find someone who can love you the way he does, but you will. Tbh he doesn’t love you or deserve you, because if he did, he would not have given you that ultimatum. If he loves you, your past or the fear of what other people will think, would not matter. LEAVE HIM.

It will suck and hurt as hell but in the long term you will be happy. I rather be alone, then be with someone who cannot accept me for all that I was, who I am, and who I will be. DON’T EVER BEG A MAN TO SEE YOUR WORTH! Wtf does he think he is?

Yes, you were wrong for hiding it but the ultimatum he gave you if not fair. It sounds like he has all the power in the relationship. In a loving real relationship, no one person holds all the power. are you willing to sacrifice getting married and kids just to ultimately be with him? Please just leave. It will hurt but your worth is not negotiable. If you leave, I bet you he will be shock as hell. Cause he would never have expected that from you. Guys put women through all this crap because they think they won’t leave, but everyone gets tired eventually.

yucychan · Answer

I don't think the two of you should be together.
You knew from the start that he would mind your past but you didn't tell. You choose to live with a time-bomb. And when his friend told him the truth, the damage is worse than ever. So I don't think you really loved him, you just loved the idea of him.
I also don't think he loved you at all. He gave you these preposterous choices. From what I see, it's either you both end the relationship now or he will break up with you in the future. You know that there will definitely be others that recognized you in the future. And since he has already stated firmly that he will never marry you, I'm not sure what's your dilemma right now.
Do you really see a happy future with him?
When are you gonna respect yourself and stand up for what you want? You said in your updates that previously, it was a low point in your life when you were promiscuous. I somehow feel you are still in that low point, letting this guy disrespect you like that, giving you these ridiculous options.

BrittBratt2416 · Answer

Leaving definitely IS an option for you. He's slept with someone before you and you slept with someone before him, if he can't accept that fact then you just need to move on from the relationship. He's already told you he won't marry you because of your past so the best thing you can do is just let him go. That's your solution for this problem. It doesn't matter if someone slept with 1 or 60+, in the end that person has shared themselves with other people before their current bf/gf or wife or husband. Truth be told, no one is suppose to have sex until they find the right person they want to get married to but most people don't even want to do that these days. If people like him don't want partners with a sexual past then they need to wait and stay a virgin themselves and get with other virgins. So he has a lot of nerve giving you an ultimatum when he has sexual past him himself. Sure he has the right to not want to marry you, but you also have the right to leave. He doesn't feel like he has to settle for you, so you don't have to settle for him either. And as for his friend telling your business like that for no reason, don't worry karma will come to him. Guys can't stand when women sneak around and snoop through their shit and telling their past/business but want to do it to women to have their "boys" back. Such hypocritical BS.

Levin · Answer

Some may consider this romanticising, however. Your partner should accept who you are, wholly. If your partner can't do this, then perhaps he is not the right person for you.

What he describes sound torturous, to go on like this, punishing you, when it's clear that he can't accept you. Why would he suggest something so awful and tormenting?

Personally, I couldn't give a shit about being respectable, fuck all that. Fuck what other people think. Having said that, I do understand how he feels. A high number of partners would bother me, too. Maybe you guys just need to accept that you're not right for each other.

Whatever you've done, no one has a perfect past. Yours has just manifested in a particularly socially unacceptable way, but we've all done things we're not proud of. To hold onto and perpetuate all this shame, and self loathing. You can't live like this. I presume you did what you have done for a reason. You have to accept it, though you're not proud of it, and move on. And hopefully find someone who can accept who you are. But accept yourself first, and what you have done. I'm sure it is understandable in the context of your past.

Also, I do think some of the male responses here, are more to do with resentment and punishing you, now they have a chance. Understand how it is for a male. They have to make so much effort, and face so much rejection. Women appear to have it so easy. Women have all the power. They get to choose. No one can understand how crushing it is to face so much rejection and loneliness. Women are 'supposed' to be the arbiters of quality. I do think there's some of that at play.

Oram52 · Answer

Relationship is over really, that really is it. Your profile says you're 18-24 and you've slept with 40+ guys. Its going to doubts for anyone with partner with such high count and such age. What would your female friends say if a guy had similar number? What is guarantee that you would stick through thick and thin and not just vanish at earliest difficulties? Would you be able to commit at all long term. Never having been in relationship before and being very promiscuous its difficult for anyone to fully trust relationship would have solid foundation and long term prospects.

However at least at reading from what you've written this relationship is over. There is no way to reconcile this relationship, I can't think of anyway. You said it yourself he said if he finds out you had banged someone he'd break up, so why take such risk? If he is not willing to move past from your past then what is it that you or anyone could do?

My suggestion would be do break up and move, and be strong and not fall into any past negative habits. You'd just be proving him right and anyone else questioning you in the future as well. Take a break for few months, work on self improvement. I'd suggest look into EFT (use original site be Gary Craig).

Janncis · Answer

OK question back to you, do you want to live all your life in fear that he will leave you? Your like hostage to him, who he can use as he likes. I would not allow it to be done to me, yes it probably would end in messy breakup but hell its better than being worried all times if he/she will come home.
While i like to say a lot can be done to save relationships, one thing is true for all. It works only if bouth parties want it. If he said he's going to leave you if he finds out people who knows him had sex with you, well what does it say about him? More, what does it say about relationships?
If a girl said it to me, i would not be there for long, if a guy said, well his face would get some fixing.

Best you can do is when at home, go ant think about it, it does sound that relationships will become abusing and fast. If you want to be victim, shure be, but dont blame guy for it, as it was your decision to stay. Marige is nice, but finding someone who accepts you as you are is hard as hell. Past is past, as long as you didn't cheat on past exe and just fucked around when you where single, well i would care a bit. Mostly because im kinky so to see what new could be tried. While yee number sounds a lot, but im not shure it means a lot.
Ps. Im not shure taht being told that my number is a lot smaller than people think, is a good thing xD Number well its just number, its more about if you cheated or used guys, not about how much you fucked around. :)

Anonymous · Answer

He sounds like an absolute jerk. Doesn't matter if he's helped you before, that was before he knew about your past and you have no idea if he would've cared about helping you if he did and he'd probably not have dated you then in the first place either and now he's staying because he's so involved. However he is shaming you for your past for no reason (granted you're loyal to him) and caring more about his own reputation than his supposed love for you. That means he doesn't really love you because if he did he wouldn't care what others might think. He could just be manipulating you, he did good things for you so now you'll stay with him but for all you know soon a woman he'd actually want to marry might show up and then you'll just be someone he keeps around for the wrong reasons. Have a talk with him and if he cannot accept what you've done in the past he's not as good of a person as you want to think and by saying he's the best you can find you're basically saying you don't think you deserve better than someone who views you as not good enough to marry... Because that's the truth of the situation... He still sees you as how you acted in the past.

AynonOMouse · Answer

Intelligent men won't get married anymore anyways. Why is marriage important to you? What does it change except for you being able to steal money and property from him in the case of divorce? Seriously, what benefit would there be for him at all to get married?
That is regardless of anyone's past.

Now as far as your past goes, people that have done casual sex don't feel the same about it as good people do. Their SO will never feel like they are special to them regardless of what they say because they know sex isn't special to them since they were able to have casual sex without emotions.
It also means they are more likely to cheat because sex isn't as big of a deal to them. They won't see it as something very important.

And last, you LIED to him. Right there is reason to lose respect for you and not trust you.

Only other immoral people will support your kind of past. Good people won't like/agree with that kind of past. If you leave, expect to get other promiscuous partners that won't value you either. You're lucky he is even willing to stay right now. If it was me I would have left the girl.

Shuri · Answer

So the lesson for you is to not lie to your SO anymore so things like this don't happen. You can't be all that upset about it. Your sexual history is your partner's business. For instance, I'm a teacher. I can't date a guy who has slept around because if anyone knows and finds out, that makes me look bad, and teachers have to have this faux pas 'we're perfect' presentation to society. I don't actually think he's wrong for being mad that you lied. So stop lying.

However, I think his ultimatum is childish. Yeah, you lied. But if he really loved you for you then he'd be able to move on from it. As bad as a secret as that is, if he truly loved you and felt you were perfect for him, then this would not be an ultimatum. He's basically telling you he doesn't care if you stay or leave. If he already has it made up that someone else recognizes you because you slept with them that he's leaving you, then he values his name more than you as a partner, and that shouldn't be the case over something like this.

I say leave him. There's always a way out. It might be hard to find, but I'd start plotting right away.

Anonymous · Answer

The problem is you lied about it in the first place. This would have never happened if you didn't hide your past. It's also extremely rude to hide it if you knew he's looking to marry a girl without a promiscuous past.

I don't know what his reasons are but I also have very little experience and when I'm in my low point in life it means there is not a single woman that would have sex with me. But when she had a low point she was having sex with all of my friends but would have rejected me. I say that because my friends had. Even if I bettered my life and made myself more attractive to a point where she would date me, it would still bother me.

I don't think couple like that can easily make it work. She shares a bad past and for her it meant tons of sex and for me it meant no sex and jerking off to videos of other girls having low point in their life and crying myself to sleep and dreaming one day when I get my life together I meet a girl, and then it turns out she had a rough past too, but she was the girl I saw got fucked by dick double my size. It's just somehow humiliating for the guy.

Ellie-V · Answer

Girl... you should have told this dude way before you got emotionally invested. Leaving isn’t an option? Girl, that’s your ONLY option. Because sooner or later he’s going to kick you to the curb.
This is a matter of how much dignity you’re willing to walk away with. Do you not understand his whole view of you has changed? His feelings for you are probably going to depreciate... a lot.
Your number doesn’t matter. What matters is that you made the mistake of not being honest. So you’re gonna have to take this L and make better decisions in the future (with someone else).
Take your belongings, and your dignity... and never speak to him again. Hell, MOVE if you need to. Where something like this isn’t as likely to happen again. I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but this is the bed you made. Strap on those big girl boots and take it like a G.

FakeName123 · Answer

Actions have consequences. The action of your past has the consequence that this man you are with doesn't want to commit to you anymore.

You may even have had a chance, if you told him upfront that you were in a different place years ago and changed for the better to leave him with the choice. Instead you kept it a secret and he had to find out by someone else.

So you fucked up twice. As you have brewed so you must drink.
The only chance you may have is currently apologising for not being honest and asking for giving you the chance of proving to him that you have moved past the mistaks of your past. And that's only a slim chance to work out.

P. S. Every additional sexual partner increases the chances of divorce drastically. This is a statistical fact and not just your boyfriend having prejudices.

My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me because of my past? What should I do?

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