My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me because of my past? What should I do? (Page 2)
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I would have trust issues too. When you banged so many people you clearly don't view sex as an intimate thing (I view it as an intimate act and I feel repulsed knowing that the one I see as special doesn't feel it is a special thing to have sex with me) and I would question your ability to love and view me as someone special... How can I be sure I am not just another person you slept with? How can I be sure that after you were used to changing sexual partners as socks you will stick with 1 pair for the rest of your life?
Also, it doesn't matter how hurt you have been. I have been sad more han I have been happy. I never slept with someone because i was in a low mood. It is about principles here. What are you going to when you feel low again? Cheat? See? That is not an excuse.
I wish I could upvote this more than once. It sums up my opinion on this issue very well.
I'm sorry you're going through this. All I can suggest is to try to remind him that people can change and grow from their mistakes, and that your past doesn't have to define the rest of your life. Everyone has done things they either regret or have chosen to no longer engage in for some reason or another. There's no reason to hold a person's past against them if they are not that person anymore.
As far as your boyfriend goes, while it's definitely fine for him to have preferences and like girls who haven't slept with many people, it sounds like he's a bit insecure and way too wrapped up in what other people think, which is not healthy for any relationship. If he truly loves you and is happy with you, why would he care what anyone else thought?
So, he does not accept you and will only maintain a temporary relationship with you until he finds someone he wants to be with or until someone makes him uncomfortable being with you?
I don’t think you’ve been given a choice. What I read seems to say, you can volunteer to break up now or it will happen at some arbitrary point in the future. You can take control of your life, break up with him, grieve the loss but focus on being the person you want to be, or wait until some day, for whatever reason, he chooses to break up with you. You know it will happen. Do you really want to wait for it?
People make mistakes and people make choices that not everyone agrees with. Whether you made a mistake or made choices you accept in your past is something you should decide. Someone who loves you, and they are out there, will accept who you are regardless of how they feel about your past. I say hold out for that person.
His ego and reputation is more important to him than you are. Do yourself a favour and find someone else. Love is not conditional, (Marriage is), but not under what he wants.
If he wanted a virgin without a past he could have gone and found one. He considers himself above you, and that it never going to work. Have some self respect darl. You own half that relationship too !!! You have a voice!!
It's probably not what you want to hear but you will never be happy there. Go and fins happiness and someone who accepts you worts and all. Never hide things from anyone. Always tell the truth, or at the least don't lie. The right person will love you for who you are. Open and Honest okay.
Even if I wanted to leave, I can't. I have nothing and I can't help feeling like I didn't explain the type of man he is well enough. He was there for me when my parents died, helped me through drug addiction and to this day has never abused me in any way. He's the type of man who paid off my father's medical bills because he didn't want me to stress myself and relapse. I'm never going to find anyone else like him.
It's 2019. Everybody has seen the studies, the science is IN!
That's some of the stupidest shit I've ever seen. I don't think you know what the word "science" means if you're just going to post dumb memes in its stead.
@Thatsamazing The chart he posted is from a study and links two different sources...
@Truthatanycost Yeah... sources have to actually be, you know... GOOD sources in order to matter...
@Truthatanycost And it was only one of three images he posted...
... so...
Unless @Bananaman177 was being sarcastic, or something.
@Thatsamazing No, but it's not my job to post fifty million sources for you when you're not going to even look at any of them regardless, do your own homework.
I don't care if you are stupid and misinformed, or uninformed. That's your problem, you fix it, I'm not going to fix it because I don't care.
You're typing your responses out on a computer with internet access, I assume you know how to google, google "studies sexual promiscuity marriage happiness" and you should get thousands of results, happy studying.
Or just stay stupid, that's fine too. I don't care. It's not my job to educate you. Not only do I not have to make you drink, I don't even have to lead you to water. I'm pointing you in the general direction of where water can be found because I'm nice. But I'm not any nicer than that. Look shit up for yourself. Or don't.
Oh honey. You people are such fascinating creatures. Wow.
This is as simple as 2+2. You’re young. Leave now or you will waste the next 2-10 years on him for nothing. Eventually he will dump you & tell everyone he dumped you because you’re [filthy _____].
OR the other possibility is that as soon as he finds another woman he dumps you.
Do the math
Oh yeah, it’s not going to get easier for you to find a guy for marriage as you get older. So if that’s what you want you’re foolish to waste time on a dead end.
I know you say leaving isn't an option for you, but I VERY strongly suggest ending the relationship. You've already been told that it will go nowhere. And I think your boyfriend will treat you with less respect from now on. He's already talking shit and acting like he's better than you and that you'll ruin his precious reputation. He might even start looking for someone else soon, since he's written you off for being with him long term. This situation seems like it will only get worse over time. You can find a guy who loves and respects you instead of looking down on you. It would be a horrible way to live, being with someone who thinks so badly of you. That will really hurt your self esteem and it seems to be a bit low already, so you don't need more of that. Good luck! I hope you get a great new boyfriend soon.
Just end your relationship.
He is upset because he found out you are not the person he wants to be with but he has already developed an emotional investment because of your lies.
He is taking his bitterness out on you because of that, but the reality is that the relationship is already over.
He doesn't respect you or care about you anymore, he is only willing to stay because of that attachment towards you, but that attachment is only ever going to decline with time until he is confident enough to walk out on you.
It's done.
Ask yourself what difference the marriage makes, its just a relationship status after all.
The guy seemed up front and honest so i don't think he is in the wrong here, he could have left when he found out you hid it from him. Without marriage you can still pretty much do everything you want to do but you won't get the status. And i can understand that from a very status contious guy who could have real life consequences for these things from his peers.
So is it worth having what you have? Or do you need more? The answer will tell you what you need to know.
Why would you waste your time on someone who doesn’t value you? He isn’t against marriage, he’s against marriage to YOU and by staying with him you’re agreeing you’re not worth the commitment. Value yourself even if he doesn’t and live that.
If this was something that important to him then I feel you should have been honest but what’s done is done. If his image to his peers is more important that he’s willing to throw you away at any moment in the future I wouldn’t call that a good man. A good man doesn’t leave you hanging for the rest of your life about your future based on what outsiders think of you.
Sounds reasonable. It's important to be sure.
Things a High Quality Man should look for & out for when choosing a Wife.(pay attention ladies)😍😍😍 ↗
You knew this relationship was doomed because you put in effort to hide who you are in the past.
I’m very much the same type of guy as your boyfriend. Very morally upstanding and genuinely cares about his reputation , and has very high moral standards for the woman he is with. She absolutely cannot be an embarrassment reputation-wise and perception-wise.
With a regal mindset like his, when he found out about your past, i understand why he chooses to not marry you.
What is odd by him, however, is how he is willing to still be with you at all.
I honestly would break up, because he probably at this point is just using you for sex and will probably cheat on you anyways.
Cut your losses and move on. There is a guy out there willing to accept your flawed past.
Keep in mind this guy will probably has just as flawed of a past as you do, so you absolutely cannot be a hypocrite and turn down this type of guy.
you can still bring him to his knees... remember the only thing that matters is when you were together... not before because you didn't know you were going to meet him before you met him... if you had 40 + guys you must be pretty good with sex... so a month without you he'll be dieing to be with you again... believe me it's hard to find someone else even if you have lots of people interested... sure you can find someone in theory but not someone special... so hang on play him tough and he'll be back for much more of your loving.
My opinion is that if he is willing to be with you but won't marry you , then he just wants to make sure he has a way out. I understand your point of view as well as his. My husband (who I met on this site) has only been with a handful of people but I have a past as well and even though my number is lower than yours, it was a high number to him and yes, he had a problem with it and he had to think about how he felt about it and it involved a lot of difficult talks but in the end, we both realized we can't live without eachother and we got married right away after meeting in person. I can't see myself with anyone else. We have been married for a year and a half now and we are so happy. Go with your gut feeling. Maybe he just needs some time but don't stay with him if you truly feel he never wants to marry you bc if you truly want to get married, you will end up resenting him. You have to be open and willing to communicate for it to work and that includes the difficult talks about it.
"He has this idea that marriage with a promiscuous women will fail so has given me an ultimatum." - He has unshakable views. he already stated his STRONG believe
" I stay with him with the understanding that he will never marry me or we end our relationship" - Issues ultimatums he is serious
"if more people in the future recognize me as "someone they banged" he would break up with me." - But you never really had a chance and the ultimatum is useless because honey, he seems to already have made up his mind
So in esscence, I know how much you love him and want to marry you but he won't marry you (am sorry I have to be blunt), so right now its just sex but he has strong opinions about marriage which you won't fit into. The already stated that he will break up with you when inevitably someone points you out as a woman they slept with. Dont hold your break. You need to walk away from this because you are only gonna get hurt in the end when he does.
If he doesn't treasure you and love you beyond that walk away girl! Your not the same woman you once were! We all make mistakes there are tons of guys out there!! Dont stay with one that harbors every little thing against you think of unhappy and unhealthy that marriage would be cause he kept a tally of all your wrongs.. been in a relationship like you fight over one thing he brings up another fight that happened weeks ago.. find a man that you can openly share your past with accepts it and treats you like gold inspite of it!
If you really love him and have just a shred of respect to him, just accept his choice and move on. Leave him, so maybe he would find a woman who make him happy and proud of being with.
Understand this: our choices have consequences. You were promiscuous in the past, nothing - absolutely nothing - indicates that you are a better woman now. At least for a relationship. Find a "friend with benefits" and let him find a goid wife.
This is not an ultimatum, this is him getting everything he wants and you getting nothing from this relationship. Despite the fact that you have a promiscuous past, he has not forgiven you for it. This is also a very hypocritical thing to do. Everyone has a past they can’t escape. I wouldn’t want to be with a man would didn’t want to marry me because of my past.
This reminds me a lot of Fifty Shades of Grey where the male lead lays out a contract for the leading lady which describes all the things he wants her to do in their relationship but has refused to do any of the things she wants. It’s bullshit and you shouldn’t take any of that crap. You can find someone who loves you and wants to marry you.
Young lady, no one should be asking for the number of men you have had sexual with. That’s not even your boyfriend’s business.
The only thing I would encourage you to do is to make sure you don’t have any STI’s. I know it’s hard to think about but it can lead to catastrophic health problems.
"This is not an ultimatum, this is him getting everything he wants and you getting nothing from this relationship. Despite the fact that you have a promiscuous past, he has not forgiven you for it. This is also a very hypocritical thing to do"
It's him wanting to be in a relationship with a person he has preferences for. what she did was she manipulated him to liking some girl that doesn't exist. He has no obligation to forgive her promiscuous past. He has a right to feel how he wants in life. it's not hypocritical in the slightest. I don't know what planet you're living on.
He's an asshole. Dump him now that you can.
And he's being a hypocrite. If he doesn't approve of you then why stay in a relationship? It seems to me all he wants is to have sex and take advantage of you for it so that he can keep his clear conscience and believe he's still acting right in his terms, but in reality he's not any better with his behaviour.
Tell him that you thought about his ultimatum and you came to the conclusion that he's not made of marriage material. (Hit home where it hurts) and that you decided that you deserve someone better who will appreciate you as you are and without judgment and since he's incapable of doing this you are breaking up with him.
She's a liar, promiscuous, and not worthy of a good person for a relationship. She is lucky if he stays with her because any other good person that knows the truth is unlikely to.
It is always the messed up immoral people that don't want their past to matter and expect someone that has been good in their life to somehow accept them. lol
Oh right, but when a guy acts on a promiscuous base we shouldn't judge him because he's a man and has needs?
And if, as you say, she's not worthy of a relationship then how does it make him any better? Because since she's not worth it and he obviously isn't interested in committing to her, then what else does he want?
Guys being promiscuous, doing hook ups/ONS/FWB is bad too. I never said that was okay.
I have a history of drug addiction. If a future woman I fell in love with and wanted to marry found out about that [of course, I'm open about it, but let's pretend not], had the idea that an ex druggie will always be a druggie, so she wouldn't marry me, what would you suggest I do?
I love her, and I can't see myself with any other woman. No other women could ever be as compatible with me as her. But she has said she cannot and will not marry me, so we can either stay together without marriage or break up.
What are my options?
That's a fairly significant number. Especially at your age. Average number of lifetime partners is 10. I wouldn't care personally, as long as you were clean; but, as far as other dudes are concerned.
Anyway, I was gonna lead you there, but base truth: You have two options. Pick one of them. People have dealbreakers. It doesn't matter if those dealbreakers are legitimate or not. If it's a dealbreaker, it's a dealbreaker. He gave you your options.