Are Older Guys Afraid to Committ to Younger Women?

[glowgirl3]

This issue was brought up in another question and I was just wondering? Can a successful older guy really like a younger girl but be afraid to committ to her because she is younger. I've been talking to this guy for almost six months now and we have kissed (not slept together). He brings up the "friend" word so when I try to act like a friend and talk to him about other guys he either gets really quiet or gets jealous. By the way, he is 33 and I am 24.

[ColoradoSoundsNice]

First, he's older so he knows better. If he kissed you, he's toying with the idea of a relationship (or sex). Friend?! - please. Don't get caught in that web. I've dated older guys plenty of times, and it's more a question of "will the relationship work if she cannot relate to me and the issues I have at my age?" As long as we don't annoy/embarass them (we take things much more to heart, everything is a big deal, we look like a deer-in-headlights when they talk about work. etc) then I don't think it's an issue. They have no problem committing to someone they care about, but are we able to keep up? That's how it has been explained to me. One thing is for sure, they may not always want a relationship with the hot 24 year old, but they ALWAYS want to sleep with the hot 24 year old. Be on guard, older men are much craftier, we are more easily manipulated and controlled by the older ones so be careful. That is an APPEAL of an older man to date a younger woman, they feel more like a man, we are less intimidating than women their own age. BE CAREFUL!

[glowgirl3]

Thanks so much for your answer! I was laughing at the first part because it's so true about us taking more to heart and every time he talks about his career I'm pretty sure I look like a deer in the headlights. I think he was more ready for a committment when we first met but I'm 24 so I was just ready to chill the summer away until now becuase I've started catching feelings for the guy! Thanks for the warning. I was thinking about having a "what am I to you" talk. What do you think about that?

[ColoradoSoundsNice]

Only if you really want a relationship with him. But what's weird is older guys have been around more, and usually just come out with it. I'm surprised that he hasn't (unless you're literally talking about your last date like every time you two hang out, that may take the wind outta his sails). With men, the window for romance is always open, just wait for the right moment & try callin' him out (flirty-like) he's a grown boy, he can take it. He's too old not to "come clean" about his feelings.

[glowgirl3]

When we first started getting to know each other he talked about the possibility of having kids with me and marrying me and all that stuff. He had told me that he used to be a player in his 20's but he was getting too old for that and he wanted to settle down. Everytime he would bring something like that up I would freak and talk about other guys and change the subject. I mentioned a few weekds ago that I would like to marry one day and he was like "no you don't." I think I hurt him a little.

[ColoradoSoundsNice]

Woops. So you have to initiate the convo, no wonder he's not coming out about this. If he was THAT forward before, you're good to go now. Pretty sure you won't get rejected, and it you do = that should last about 5 minutes or so...

[blondie252]

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. I would put the age notion behind you. Sounds like he may not want to commit, but doesn't want anyone else to have you, either. That way when he is ready, you will be available. I would start seeing other people, and if he really wants you, he will let you know. Leave success and age out; it sounds irrelevant in this case. I'm a successful woman, and I was with someone a little younger who was still starting up their career; it didn't other me one bit. Until he started sponging off me. ThenI called it quits.

[glowgirl3]

Thanks for your advice. I'm not going to wait around for him to get a clue. He wants to go on a weekend vacation together in a couple of weeks and I think we're going to have a long talk. LOL.

[blondie252]

LOL. Vacation? I would tell him you're busy and you have a date! If you do go, make sure he pays :P But seriously...you're worth what you want to be worth...which should be a priceless amount. So let him know! Let him see that he has an amazing opportunity and if he blows it some much more deserving gent will come and sweep you off your feet. And don't back down...hold your ground!

[mmgood313]

He sounds like he either can't make up his mind or is just not that into you. I read in Cosmopolitan that if a guy doesn't ask you out/ make a move within the first few encounters he just isn't feeling it. If I were you, I would start dating other guys. Maybe after a while he'll wake up to his (possible) romantic feelings for you. If not, you've already been keeping your options open and won't be mad about wasting all your time with someone who can't commit. Good luck.

[glowgirl3]

When we first started talking he was being waaay more open with his feelings and I was waaay more shut off. Now I can't get him to open up. I think he feels kind of shot down.

[pwl0lwp]

I'm not sure cosmo is the most nuanced source of information about this sort of thing :P

[glowgirl3]

LOL. I have to admit that I read Cosmo a lot but sometimes their advice on the male psyche is a little off to me. So what is your advice pwl0lwp?

[A-Soldiers-Wife07]

Seriously....you'd listen to a magazine on live advice? I sure damn hope that article you read was written by a straight man! Because if it was written by a women, she definitely has no idea what she's talking about!

[mmgood313]

I really don't remember whether or not it was in Cosmo. But I thought I had to give a source. Good job focusing on that though and not thinking about the actual advice.

[blue-kev]

Guys have an issue of commitment no matter what the age. I am 34 and if a 34 year old girl wanted to get married I would say no at this point. Not because I don't like her just because I love the excitement of dating a women. Guys have an issue with marriage not because of the individual women. Women take this personaly its not personal. Guys have an issue with commiitment and marriage because we think the girl will change after we get married. That the exciting bubbly happy person we are with now will turn into a nag. This has nothing to do with the way you act in fact the opposite we don't want to loose who you are. We don't want you to change. But when we see married women they nag there husbands and put them down. And the energetic person they once were changes into a controling one. So not commiting is not disliking the person your with. Its liking the person your with so much that you don't want them to turn into someone else.

[glowgirl3]

I think he might be struggling with that. His last girlfriend was his age and they were together for a long time and he said that he stopped getting turned on by her. When we first started talking to each other he was like "let's take things slow." Should I continue taking things slow? I'm not looking to get married for a loooong time, but I do want some form of committment. Just a little exclusiveness from him. Any suggestions on how to bring this across without sounding pushy or nag like?

[A-Soldiers-Wife07]

I have to agree on that. Me and my husband have had this talk. BTW, my husband is 6 years older than me.

[blue-kev]

O well you know asking him if it could be just him and you dating should not be a problem. just say I want to date you and only you. I don't want us to change in any way just feel as happy as we are and date only each other. and still do all the things we do know. if you ensure the guy that your relationship will stay exciting and not fizzle going steady shouldnt be a problem. and your not nagging by doing this. not even close. nagging is pick this up and that. don't do this that and the other

[pwl0lwp]

more likely he's got his own commitment/attachment issues rather than being specifically worried about you being younger.

i think in this case "friend" is his code for "boyfriend/girlfriend". if you've been kissing that implies to me that he feels that you're more than "just" friends & that's why he doesn't want to hear about other guys.

saying "i love you" is both a big step of trust (because it exposes oneself to be hurt) and can also sound a bit naff (it's so overused in our society). guys "do" rather than "say", so pay attention to what he does near you, for you & with you, rather than what he might (not) be saying.

fwiw to my mind 33/24 is not an overwhelming gap, depending on your interests.

good luck

[glowgirl3]

He does seem to be making strides to make me happy. I told him a few weeks ago that he wasn't calling enough and he has been making an effort to call every couple of days. I told him on Sat. that I appreciated him calling more and he was like "you know you don't have to ask me to do that. I don't mind." He has been out of town but he wants me to spend a weekend with him out of town on the beach in a couple of weeks. I guess I do need to look for actions other than words. Thanks for your answer!

[Mephisto6]

I'm not sure about the speed at which you expect (or he expects) the relationship to develop. Is he seeing other people? At what speed did his last relationship develop? If he's not seeing anyone else, you(all) have kissed, he doesn't like to hear about other guys, and he's a slow starter, you are in the midst of developing a good relationship with him. If he's explaining you're a friend to other women at the bar, you may need to have a chat with him about the future of your 'relationship' (specifically, his jealous fits).

fwiw, I'm 30 and my last girlfriend was 24; we (I) had no problems committing, but she left me after a year because I'm "difficult", but that's a different story.

[glowgirl3]

Thanks for your answer. The other day he mentioned that all he does is work and that he hasn't went out for a long time. He also said that I was the only girl he was talking to so I guess he just wants to take it really slow. I've never dated anyone past the age of 25 so I was just wondering. Thanks!

[DagoFlip]

Well, it really depends. A lot of guys are VERY intimidated by younger women just for the little fact that society generally looks down upon it. Trust me, if a guy could be with a younger woman in her 20's his whole life, he would. Now, in your case, it may be that he really isn't ready to commit. It, most likely, has nothing to do with your age. Hell, I'd consider myself blessed if I'm 33 and dating a 24 year old! Like I said, it's really society's views on it. It has a big impact on our lives. But, in general, only guys that are relatively afraid of commitment would be afraid to commit to younger women.

[glowgirl3]

LOL. I think maybe every guy in his 30's, 40's and 50's would like to date a 20 something girl. Thanks for your answer!

[l-hedoniste]

Speaking for myself--don't be shocked--I'm not afraid to commit to other women, I just don't care to limit my options.

Just because I'm your friend, though, doesn't mean I want to hear about other guys, especially if I'm angling for a relationship. Attempt guy topics: Sports, Machinery, Very Crude Humor.

P.S.: If a girl dates girls, guys DO want to hear about that.

[glowgirl3]

So basically, you don't want to hear about other guys if you're thinking about starting a relationship with the girl? I talk to all my other "real" guy friends about guys and they don't ever get jealous. I'm just confused about you men! LOL.

[l-hedoniste]

Those other guy friends either: 1. are gay, 2. find you unattractive, or 3. are politely lying to you, often to get into your friends' pants. Gay friends aside, none of them want to hear it, I promise you. In fact, some of the gay ones are trying to get into your friends' pants, too.

[glowgirl3]

Why don't guys like to hear us talk about other guys? Sorry about all the questions I'm just trying to get a little understanding on the male psyche. LOL.

[l-hedoniste]

Men don't do relationship talk generally. I do it with women if I have an ulterior motive; I don't do it with men at all.

[coleyheart]

A lot of times it depends on how much older the guy is then the girl. You're both over 18, so I wouldn't see why it would be a problem. Maybe since he is older, he does want to take it slow so he knows if your right or not. He should be at the age looking for a long term wifey.