Should me and my girlfriend come out?

Question

It all started when i broke up with my long time boyfriend. I was getting older and started to realise something wasn't right in are relationship. He was always really intense and i felt like i had to mother him.

Im still not sure how i feel about men and if im only attracted to girls. Im not ready to put a label on my sexuality.

There was this girl in my we were always fighting at first and acted like we hated each other because my dad arrested her dad for some really bad stuff but deep down i was crazy attracted to her. She's extremely smart, beautiful and witty. She's all i ever think about and she makes my heart just wanna melt.

We got made to work together on a class project and i tired really hard to let her know i wanted us to be cool with each other. We started working really well as a team together and found out we had loads in common. She started opening up to me about her dad and how he'd lied to her and her mother and put she wished people would just be honest with who they are.

I got lost in the moment and kissed her, seeming as we both come from strict Christian backgrounds i was terrified once she pulled away what would happen but all she did was lock the door and carried on making out with me.

We've been dating in secret for 4 months and we are really starting to have some strong feelings for each other. When im with her it's like im in heaven but as soon as the thought of my family and friends finding out im scared sick. I've not even told my twin sister and we tell each other everything. It was bad enough when my mum found out me and my ex were having sex. She kicked me out and made me sleep in a tent in the garden to let everyone know she was punishing in the town as it put a lot of shame on the family in the community.

My ex boyfriend is still pretty beat up about us breaking up and i don't want to hurt him even more.

Updates

+1 y

I feel like a coward for not being open about my relationship with my girlfriend but at the same time now everyone will hate us if we come out. I really want to be open as it's driving me crazy living a lie but she doesn't, she is head the Christian youth club, she has a clean reception in the community and cares to much about what people will say.

We bouth agree but God made us the way we are but we are scared others won't see it that way.

bobalife · Accepted Answer

I'm not sure how old you are, but I remember my bestie in middle school came out to me (as the first person) that she also likes the same gender and who she was crushing on at the time. I just laugh with her about it because it does not change who she is, she is still the same person, and it doesn't matter to me cuz love is love. And I hope the first person you decided you are comfortable enough to share this important part of yourself will be someone that you can really trust and confide in.
I know it is scary, confusing, and frustrating... but considering how you are unsure of your identity and your mom's treatment will put you in a really tough position... I don't think it is a good idea yet. I'm sorry to hear your mom made you feel that way and put you through that type of punishment. I would hope and suggest for you to come out when you and your girlfriend are BOTH ready, confident, more established in your relationship, and in a safe space in your lives. It does not make you less of a coward. Coming out now to your parents or the community might be more risky considering the way your mom punished you :/ I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you and your girlfriend. Please stay safe and I hope you'll find the answers you are looking for within time. I will pray for you and your girlfriend <3 PS. Hopefully, there are Gender Community Resources that you can research in your city that will offer support and consulting with what you are going through :)

SabinaV · Accepted Answer

Appreciate what both of you have. Instead of worrying, take it as a positive thing.

You do not necessarily have to tell every single person about the circumstance. It is not an obligation. Enjoy your life. Not everyone will say positive things, while some will be understanding, always remember to know who you truly are regardless.

Different people like to live a private or a very loud life.

What matters is your intimate family, as long as they know, that is fine.

It takes a while to grasp this and be able to tell them openly, take your time until you are ready and feel it is the right time.

You can start with your sister and open up, until eventually you are ready to tell your mother later on.

Approach them in a gentle manner. Ask them to listen to you before any comments/opinions. That you wish to reach out.

Remember, some parents will take time to understand swallow this while some can easily understand it, but eventually give them time to cope up with it.

Be strong you can do itre-state://background_color_rgba (0, 0, 0, 0), font_color_rgb (77, 77, 77), justifyLeft, p

CelticCrusader · Accepted Answer

What you wrote honestly hit me where I live. It's an absolutely beautiful story and it warms my heart to hear such a romantic take. Given your situation I think it's best you stay hush about it. You can come out when you are self deficient and don't need to fear they're wrath. It may suck but the alternative is that they will do everything in their power to tear the two of you apart. What you have sounds beautiful and genuine and passionate and loving. I think keeping it a secrete is a necisary sacrifice for true love. The most important thing though is make sure neither of you come out until you have talked about it and both of you are ready. What you have sounds too precious to risk loosing. If your parents find out based on what you have said they will lock you up and keep you away from her and they probably will think they can "cure" you. there's nothing wrong with love no matter who you find it in but circumstances have been forced upon you that you don't deserve but are stuck with. Focus on love that's whats important what you two share. Someday the truth will have to come out but you have to have to have to wait until you reach a place where they can't take that from you or get in your way. Just be with her and love her and feel her love you. That's what's important love is what's important sometimes secrecy is the best answer even if it's hard.

Oram52 · Accepted Answer

If you are not sure at the moment then the best thing to do is keep it to yourselves for now. With confusion, different feelings, different thoughts running around in the head, it could be difficult to get enough clarity to actually assess the situation. I'd say let things progress as they are for now. Once the dust settles a bit and you've had enough time to think about it & process the situation, only then you'll have better insight as how to proceed next.

You've also said you're not putting any labels on it, and you're not sure yet. I'd say if possible best to wait until you have processed it and have better understanding about yourself. No harm in waiting few months, talk it over with your girlfriend, I'm sure she'll understand and probably feels the same way.

As an added precaution I'd say if feasible its best you wait until you're 18. Also other variables can change things to, for example are you planning on going to university, are you planning on leaving this town. Unnecessary hassle might not be worth it in that case. Wait at least few more months, process things and then see where things stand before making any decisions.

Chikky · Answer

I think when you both are old enough to take the criticism and shameful comment people will give to you, you can come out. But now I think it's best you keep it between each other

dwcl99 · Answer

Its probably best to wait until the two of you turn 18 and are able to support yourselves and possibly move away from home before coming out.

Its not the best answer, but I say that, because if you are under 18 and are financially dependent on your parents, then they have a lot of power over you, and can really really make your lives a living hell (as evidenced by her making you live outside in a tent after finding out that you had sex with a male). There's always the possibility that your mom will want to have her arrested for statutory rape, since you're both under 18, so that is also a concern.

You want to be in a position where you are not dependent on them, and can say "Fuck you, I'll do my own thing" and be able to walk away from them.

I wish that I had a better answer for you. Good luck, but ultimately you have to follow your heart and do what's best for you.

Definitely · Answer

Then don't put a label on your sexuality. It's your decision, not someone else's. Why does it even has to be such a big deal? That's what you do now. Are you ashamed of it? People will judge you regardless of what you do in life, whether they show it or not. It's you who has to be satisfied with your actions, not others. It's your life and you have the right to live it any way you want as long as you don't affect the lives of others.
And in this case, why do you even need to tell others what you do in your private time? Is there any point in doing it? I mean, a real one, not some flaky reasons like "I absolutely need the society to accept this specific thing that they have nothing to do with so I can feel better about myself".

Zannika02 · Answer

It sucks to have these fears. Unfortunately people are gonna react certain ways and most likely be devastating. I would be mentally prepared to lose some people, but maybe some people will show u their support. I would also talk to someone, hotline, bare minimal for lbgtq, its a lot to deal with. And ur still young no need to put labels... if u know u will be safe and have a plan if say ur mom kicked u out again, I would say to do it. But if ur safety and her safety is a concern then u may need to ride it out until there is a place u could be safe if u decide to come out.

Aakash_Hangargi · Answer

First you are not a Coward, second thing is you are still very young don't decide too quick I know it may be confusing to what you want at the moment so before coming out know for sure if you are really the person you are coming out don't rush explore and understand more about yourself before making an decision I would suggest you to be at least 18 to see things differently that wouldn't change anything but you will have the time to look at things in multiple scenarios and it would make your decision easier..

Butterflies1995 · Answer

No one has the right to discriminate you you can date anyone whoever you wish. It is no ones business. Shit you can plant a 🌴 palm tree in The North pole so what who cares. This is 2020 bitchs why are people acting as if we still live in the 1950s. With young people like me it we have no issue. The ones that make it a big deal is people age 40 and over are the real dicks when it come to bisexual gay dating. I am straight but I don't see nothing wrong with being a lesbian girl you are not a coward what you have is pressure from Society being assholes and it's the old people the younger millennial we actually don't care.

Samoht_Sirrom1 · Answer

First under 18... With boyfriend depending on age could mean jail time. Second ask. her if she is okay with coming out as well. I mean if you come out and she's not ready to she may deny it in public and lose you. However if you both so come out odds are the church being bigots (most seem to be unless you're lucky) will treat you like you have AIDS, Covid 19 and the plague. So you'll both have to face at least the possibility. if no one understanding and treating you as if you're evil itself. If you both can handle that then be completely honest together at the same time.

honeybunSs · Answer

You don't have to if you don't want to. It doesn't make you a coward. You also don't have to put a label on your sexuality. I don't put a label on mine either🙂. If you REALLY feel the need to come out, i think you should just wait until you move out so you won't have to worry about getting kicked out or something.

Chiefbenttwig · Answer

This is coming from somebody that is looking at it from a third point of view if you come out just make sure that you are strong enough to withstand the backlash of your decision you will have family and friends that will congratulate you and condemn you for your sexual preference my sister Yolanda was a lesbian she was a butch in the relationship
My father and my older brother disowned my sister my sister came to my house for Thanksgiving one year and my father and brother told me that I needed to throw out my sister because of her sexual preference I told both my father and my brother that this was my house and that she was welcomed in it anytime and if they didn't like it they could hit the door and don't let the door hit them where the good Lord split them I have never regretted that decision I love my sister just now that you will get some kind of backgrounds for recoil for your sexual preference I congratulate you and your girlfriend and wish you the best

FriendlyEnigma · Answer

First off, this was the cutest thing i've ever read. I hope y'all are doing okay rn!! Also come out whenever you're ready! But don't force it either. Truthfully, your girlfriend should understand that eventually you'll have to come out if you both want to stay together. But you should both be ready to do it together. I'm sad to say not many people will be accepting of it, especially in a strict Christian home, but you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. It's who you are and what makes you happy. Also how old are you two if you're that scared of what the community thinks? Once you're past sophmore year of high school, that shit doesn't matter. People will still be mad, but at least they'll only be mad for two years.

FR_Ruby · Answer

You don't have to tell anyone anything if they're just going to punish you for it. Your parents owe you shelter and care at least until you're able to take care of yourself and they shouldn't punish you over things you can't control. Straight people don't have to "come out" so nor should you.

Chris_u006 · Answer

Do it when the two of you are ready to. Keep calm and accept the uptight old fogeys thoughts no matter what choice you make or not, no one can blame you for beeing loving to someone you truly love. And girl, you will know when you are ready, because that is the start of your evolve of who you want to be in general and evolve of your relationship to something deeper and serious. If you don't come out early on, It's nothing wrong at all with that. You can't rush it and say something this serious just like that. Look at Netflix series No good Nick, It's a really good scene and coming out story there. Who knows maybe you can get inspiration from it?

Anonymous · Answer

I'm biased because I'm against same-sex relationships on principle, but I gotta say, it does not seem like this is going to end well. She's a Church Youth Group leader? That whole community is going to detonate if it comes out you two are romantically involved. Keep a lid on it, but as a word of encouragement, you're probably not the first couple on the DL in that town 🤷‍♂️. Besides, you don't know how the relationship is going to play out, it's not worth blowing up your whole hometown over something that just  feels  like it will last.

raven6933 · Answer

The question you have to ask is she worth loosing? People are very judgmental and correct that Christian's see this as an abomination however they are not the worst ones. So if you wish to be alone and tried to be cured, by all means let it out. If not what they do not know will not hurt.

Archerer · Answer

Another reason religion poisons everything. I’m sorry you have to go through this and the decision is really hard. I’d start planning to move somewhere more accepting as soon as you have the means to. Where do you live?
And what did her dad do? I’m just curious, but that also makes things even more complicated as your dad and her dad would hate each other.

cheapshotbob · Answer

dont let it become something its not because being a lesbian is not normal despite the feminist opinions on GAG , you need too try and move on to another guy woman are not here for woman in any way other than friendship and moral support any things more is just some horny chick that wants someone to be in the sinking boat with her.

slatyb · Answer

You don't owe your ex anything. Don't worry about his feelings. As far as coming out that's a difficult question. Only you can estimate the consequences in your community and whether they are bearable, or whether it's better to wait and come out after you are an adult and perhaps are living somewhere more tolerant. Maybe there is someone in your community who could advise you? Good luck.

Espresso-Grande · Answer

It's obvious you aren't ready to come out yet. There's too many issues surrounding your situation. Don't feel pressured to come out when you clearly aren't ready to. You're indecisive right now. Never make a decision when you feel unsure and indecisive.

Godofmyownwurld · Answer

The most important thing is to make sure your safe and that you're as true to yourselves as you can be. If people ask questions just be honest. If they hate, again be honest... about how much they need to go fuck themselves😁

You might lose some friends, but you'll find better ones who like the real you.

Tedee18 · Answer

Jesus loves you. Repent. He made woman for man.

Surely people wouldn't exist and history either if there were a lot of same-sex relationship.

1 Corinthians 7: 2 says clearly:

Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.

That shows that GOD doesn't like LGBTQA+ relationships.

I guess you feel the way you feel because you are a sinner. I am NOT judging. I am telling the truth.

Should me and my girlfriend come out?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

Should me and my girlfriend come out?

Most Helpful Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

We're glad to see you liked this post.