Single people: if you/your girlfriend got pregnant now, what would you do?

[OlderAndWiser]

I never faced this dilemma but I think I would have proposed marriage and I would have wanted us to start our life together before baby arrived. If you have ever faced this decision, what did you do? If you have not ever faced this decision, what do you think you would do?

I would get/want her to get an abortion

I would/I would want her to deliver the baby and then place it for adoption

I would/I would want her to raise the baby as a single mother

I would/I would want her to have the baby and let her parents/older sibling/friend raise the child

I would want us to be married and raise our child together

Something else; please leave a comment and explain

Updates

+1 y

For those of you who do not understand, the word "single" means not married. Really! That is what it means. Look in any dictionary.

[weasley8]

Well if it were to happen now I would be very confused. If it were to happen later, I’d probably keep the pregnancy. I’d tell the guy, unless he was somehow dangerous for me and the future kid. And I’d want him to be involved with the kids life. But I wouldn’t force him to. I certainly wouldn’t get married just because I was pregnant. We could continue dating, assuming that we were dating in the first place, but I wouldn’t rush it because that’s a recipe for disaster.


Also, I would ask that if he didn’t want to be active in the kids life, that he sign away his parental rights. It would be better for me because then I could do things like move to different states, take the kid on vacations, and make decisions regarding the kid without having to jump through a whole bunch of legal hoops. And it would be better for him because he wouldn’t have to pay child support and could go on with his life like nothing happened. And if he changed his mind and wanted to be in the kids life, I would let him. But it would be on a timeline that I believe as the kids mother is healthiest for the kid. Not some timeline picked by a court of people who’ve never met the kid. I wouldn’t send the kid to stay overnight with a guy who is to them a complete stranger, for example. That would have to be worked up to.

[OlderAndWiser]

You have some misunderstandings about how the family court system works.

[weasley8]

I don’t think that that’s what happens normally. But it‘s something that’s technically possible and I was speaking in hyperbole. My point is, if he’s not going to be a part of the kids life, he doesn’t get to tell me how to raise the kid. If he disagrees, he’s going to get hit with child support.

I know that women are more likely to get custody. So I’m assuming that that’s what you think I misunderstand. On the off chance that you’re referring to having him sign away his rights to the kid, I know for a fact that that’s possible. My cousin’s wife did that with the father of her kid. And now my cousin is the legal father. The biological father had no right to the kid, but he also can’t get charged with child support.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. Surrendering parental rights is a process which must be approved by a court and it is typically not done unless there is someone waiting to adopt the child. Let a father surrender his parental rights relieves him of his support obligation and that does not benefit a child unless there is a better father waiting to adopt.

2. In my state, if you have a child out of wedlock, the father has no rights to custody or visitation unless he files a petition and the court determines that he is the father. Then he can establish some visitation rights. Once the father establishes visitation rights, you can still move to another state if you have a valid reason but it does require court approval.

3. You may also take a child on vacation at any time and you don't need anyone's permission. You ay still make decisions for the child without jumping through any hoops whatsoever.

4. Visitation schedules are usually agreed upon by the parents and adopted by the court, unless the parents can't agree. If a father has not been involved in a child's life, the court does not simply order you to send the child to live with the father half of the time. Actually, judges are not stupid people and whatever you have heard about family court sounds like reality has been heavily distorted.

[19magic]

Well I was in this situation, i found out about two-three weeks after that incident I pm you about, I believe I know who the father is but he was so adament that I was lying and trying to mess up his engagement when I never met him before and had no reason for doing so. So I've raised her ever since and although I was going to abort even made an appointment to go and do it and broke down at the train station, and then told my parents the next day. Every decision or most of them at least has been for her. From trying to understand and sort out my emotional mess to making a better life for us and finishing off my degree all that's left is to get a job and my own place and work towards owning my own place which has always been my dream

[renvy23]

abortion is murder thank you for not killing her

[19magic]

@renvy23 it really isn't, at that time its an embryo which is a cluster of cells not even a fetus or a baby to murder you have to act unlawfully to another to result in death. Had the embryo be able to survive in air by itself then yes you can justisfy its murder but at that stage its nothing more than a glorified parasite

[OlderAndWiser]

Glorified parasite? You should be ashamed of yourself for referring to an unborn child in that way!

[19magic]

Each to their own, the only difference between the two is one is choosen and you get a a baby that is cute and wonderful but everything else is the same aka: they both live within you, both take your energy, food, water, both make you weak and tired, both can be hazardrous to your health, both can cause you lifetime problems, both effect yout mood and casues you problems that makes it hard to function daily life.

Don't get me wrong I've always said to myself if I got in this situation I'd always keep it, and in my hearts of hearts I knew I couldn't go through with it. But pregnacy is a bitch, I've never fainted in my life and have always done heavy lifting on a weekly basis and walked miles on a daily basis but while pregnant I couldnt even walk for 15 mins without feeling like i was going to collaspe and seeing black spots on a daily basis, I used to get pains for carrying books in the library to study. Wtihin two weeks of birth I was normal again, I'm sorry if my idea of pregnancy isn't fun but you've gotta admit there is a lot of similarities between the two.

[OlderAndWiser]

I hope you never get pregnant.

[19magic]

I've already been pregnant thats how I know what it's actually like and why i said pregnacy is a bitch, I would like more children but if I could have one in a couple of months instead of 10 it would be so much better and less draining.

[AFellowWeeb]

Women these days are worst than dog shit

[19magic]

Until you've been pregnant, and realise just how taxing it is to be pregnant, then you can't say much. Or even how scared you get when someone barges past you on the bus when your forced to stand 10 months pregnant and your heart clenches cus you fear something may happen. Sure there's a fetus inside of you but you don't see it for months. Pregnancy is a complete pain.

[AFellowWeeb]

Dont let guys finish inside of you

[yofuknutz]

Stop having sex how about them apples because you're not qualify

[WhiteSteve]

I wouldn’t be thrilled, that would kind of jack up my life plan. Early retirement would be out the window, lmao. I don’t know, I mean, obviously I’d step up and try to be a good father, and I think that’s ideally done in a two-parent setting, although that’s almost rendered moot now that we all have to work so hard just to make ends meet, it’s not like my parents’ days. I don’t know what I think of marriage other than it’s kind of a funny formality that doesn’t even guarantee anything and just makes any break-up way more complicated. It’s more just about some kind of social validation, as I see it. So marriage is whatever, but I’d at least feel obligated to try to stick around with her until the kid grew up.

[Dragonpurple]

I'm old school so would propose but I also wouldn't be doing it with someone that I wouldn't want to marry either, that has never made sense to me.

My wife however, was in this situation but had a miscarriage (before we met) now she is unable to have children, as we've tried and tried and tried and with covid it made fertility clinics pretty well impossible to get into, so we gave up.

Some people have to worry about what to do when they can't have children and some worry about not ever being able to have them.

[razelove]

I am married, with kids, and the probability of having more, so... that's not so much of an issue. I'm in an open relationship, so even changing the paradigm to I got another woman pregnant would mean getting a bigger house and integrating her into our existing family, or hiring a couple civil lawyers to feel things out if they aren't progressing in the direction I was used to in our probable relationship from past preferences and experiences.

I guess it just comes down to spending more time with my kids for me, and if not, then... I'm not.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

On one hand, I'd like to have a child, but on the other I'm making sure we have no sexual contact so nothing can happen.
I think that my seed and dynasty is better to go extinct.

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

I understood perfectly.
Married or not, there's no possible way for us to have a child and it's good that way.

[Screenwriter]

F. If it were me and I got pregnant during college or when I had no partner or simply a boyfriend, there is no argument in my mind. I would get an abortion.
Accidents happen because there is no 100% birth control method. I would not want a baby to be an "accident."
Babies have NEVER been a good reason to get married unless you're in love, you want a child together anyway, and you were planning to get married soon.
To marry SIMPLY because of an accidental pregnancy is foolish. Babies are a giant responsibility and if you two aren't in the same mindset about childrearing and your lifestyle together, it would be an equally giant mistake.
To bring an accidental child into an accidental marriage sounds like a disaster to me.

[OlderAndWiser]

I ma not having sex with anyone who I don't view as a prospect for a LTR/marriage.

[Screenwriter]

Ah, but there's that word: PROSPECT. Not SURETY. There is great room for error in that word.
There are many men who find out that the women they thought were prospects for LTR and marriage jump ship or change their minds. There is the option for changing one's mind right up until and even after the marriage ceremony.
How many women who a re pregnant change their minds about having a child early in their pregnancies?
Maybe if you've had these talks before you have sex. But you'll never know HOW you'll actually feel until you're actually in the situation.
I avoided it by using birth control that was reliable. But it might've happened in one instance early on. We all make mistakes and the younger we are, and I was 19, the more common that is.

[OlderAndWiser]

"PROSPECT. Not SURETY." You're right. There are no guarantees, even if you get married. I learned all those lessons decades ago.

[Screenwriter]

My aunt and uncle were married until their children were in their late 20s and THEN they got divorced. I went out with a man after he was divorced after 30 years of marriage also. I've met a co worker who insists he is staying because of his teen age, young adult still at home children.
He doesn't sound happy with his wife. It's VERY sad. People stay when they themselves are not happy.
My opinion and that of therapists I've spoken to is this is NEVER a good reason to stay in a marriage. Children witness your unhappy relationship even if there is never a cross word between you. There is likely very little between you and your children think this is how a marriage should be. This is an awful example to show to your children.
I witnessed a good relationship between my parents. They were a team. They fought and made up. They were a funny pair. They planned their lives and planned how they were going to educate us and vacations and everything. If we asked one and got a no answer and went to the other one, the second parent always asked if we'd asked the first. Couldn't split them up FOR NOTHING. SO ANNOYING.
But so wise and good. that's the example you want to give to your kids. You wanted them, you loved their other parent, you're glad they're here and you love having a family that includes ALL OF YOU. They WEREN't and accident. Unplanned, maybe, but that's not a problem. As soon as they existed, you started the plans and were happy about them.
If you can't say all that. You shouldn't bring them into the world. Be careful with your love.

[luckyinloveandlife]

I’m not single... but I’m telling you now if I was pregnant with the baby from the love of my life, I would be the most proud wife and loving mother for that child. Being pregnant with a baby from the person your soul loves, is an amazingly precious gift, because you have created a life combining yourself and the person you adore everyday. I couldn’t even picture how perfect our lives would be, even with the imperfections we have and life hands us. My heart is so full now, it would be pouring with an abundance of love and happiness. That is the pinnacle. I can’t wait to experience that with my husband. ♥️

[yofuknutz]

Be careful with the Bambi eyes sometimes kids drive you apart remember if it wasn't for the both of you the kids would not exist keep that in mind

[luckyinloveandlife]

Of course! Kids are a handful, but raised right, they are brilliant examples of both parents. My relationship with my husband comes first, even after kids are born because nurturing a relationship is important so the children understand that love between two people doesn’t just die. ♥️ they will see how much daddy and mommy love each other through the act of continuing to nurture our marriage. And in turn both daddy and mommy will always be in the picture together. The way it was designed to be.

[killasbunny]

I want to keep my child, it's our fualt not our child fualt and she/he have the right to see the world. If my boyfriend does not want than i can be a single mother no probs mama will fight for you.

I have raise someone's child a close blood relative my parent brought him to our house, most of the time i was the one who take care the baby cuz i have the most free time i was just like 12 when I have that baby brother lol. So i think i have enough experience, if my parents chase me out from home? okay, I can get a job to support us, I already have jobs and I have a way to get money from my boyfriend anyway hehe.

[offendedsorbet]

This doesn't make sense. "Single people" "you/your girlfriend"

I assume you meant unmarried people. So I'll answer, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years, we have discussed before a couple years ago that if I get pregnant it wouldn't be a big deal and we could probably work with it. Although neither of us want kids now we are financially stable and emotionally ready enough to raise a kid.

[OlderAndWiser]

I am sorry that it doesn't make sense to you.

[offendedsorbet]

How can you be single and have a girlfriend? 🤷🏻‍♀️ that's all I mean

[OlderAndWiser]

Single means not married. Single does not mean that you are without a significant other.

[offendedsorbet]

No single means without s/o.
Single means 1

[offendedsorbet]

"In legal definitions for interpersonal status, a single person refers to a person who is not in serious committed relationships, or not part of a civil union. In common usage, the term 'single' is often used to refer to someone who is not involved in any type of serious romantic relationship, including long-term dating, engagement, marriage, or someone who is 'single by choice'. Single people may participate in dating and other activities to find a long-term partner or spouse."

[OlderAndWiser]

Actually, I have used the word correctly. Perhaps you are wrapped up in a slang meaning and forgetting the dictionary definition of the word:

Definition of single (Entry 1 of 3)
1a: not married
b: of or relating to celibacy
2: unaccompanied by others : LONE, SOLE
3a (1): consisting of or having only one part, feature, or portion
(2): consisting of one as opposed to or in contrast with many : UNIFORM
(3): consisting of only one in number
b: having but one whorl of petals or ray flowers
4a: consisting of a separate unique whole : INDIVIDUAL
b: of, relating to, or involving only one person
5a: FRANK, HONEST
b: exclusively attentive
6: UNBROKEN, UNDIVIDED
7: having no equal or like : SINGULAR
8: designed for the use of one person only

Definition of single (Entry 2 of 3)
1a: a separate individual person or thing
b: an unmarried person and especially one young and socially active —usually used in plural
c (1): a recording having one short tune on each side
(2): a music recording having two or more tracks that is shorter than a full-length album
also : a song that is particularly popular independent of other songs on the same album or by the same artist
2: a base hit that allows the batter to reach first base
3asingles plural : a tennis match or similar game with one player on each side
b: a golf match between two players —usually used in plural
4: a room (as in a hotel) for one guest
— compare DOUBLE sense 7
single verb
singled; singling\ ˈsiŋ-​g (ə-​) liŋ \

Definition of single (Entry 3 of 3)
transitive verb

1: to select or distinguish from a number or group —usually used with out
2a: to advance or score (a base runner) by a single
b: to bring about the scoring of (a run) by a single
intransitive verb
: to make a single in baseball

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/single

[offendedsorbet]

Oxford dictionary states "unmarried or not involved in a stable sexual relationship."

[offendedsorbet]

But legal definition is higher than dictionary definition ☺

[OlderAndWiser]

I don't know what dictionary you are quoting since you did not include the source, but single actually does mean not married.

[offendedsorbet]

I literally said... Oxford dictionary...

[offendedsorbet]

Cambridge dictionary "not married, or not having a romantic relationship with someone"

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/single

"Someone who is single is not married. You can also use single to describe someone who does not have a girlfriend or boyfriend."

www.collinsdictionary.com/amp/english/single

The Merriam Webster dictionary has errors and biases so isn't a reliable source. https://conservapedia.com/Merriam-Webster

[OlderAndWiser]

1. Your reference to the Oxford dictionary was not posted when I prepared my response. When I googled your definition, it appears that you have actually cited Wikipedia.

2. "Legal definitions are higher that dictionary definitions?" Not sure where that rule came from, but. . . okay. In the law, single refers to someone who is not married. I know because I am a lawyer. If you disagree, please cite a legal source and not wikipedia.

3. Dictionaries usually list definitions in the order of most frequent usage. "Not married" is usually the first definition listed with respect to relationships.

4. Do you now understand what I asked?

[OlderAndWiser]

Or maybe the word "single" doesn't mean unmarried in New Zealand, but in the rest of the world, that is what it means.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Cambridge dictionary "not married, or not having a romantic relationship with someone" SO you DO know what I meant. What is the boyfriend deal?

[offendedsorbet]

My boyfriend is actually a lawyer... I never said it didn't mean unmarried it just also means not in a relationship. I've quoted other dictionaries that do not agree with your point. But go off.

[OlderAndWiser]

I understand why your sorbet would be offended.

[Redstang88]

She’s right man. Literally everybody but you interprets single as not in a relationship

[WesBrewer]

I am assuming I am also the one to get her pregnant, it is my responsibility to take care of the baby since it is mine, and it is also my responsibility to marry her, otherwise, her reputation might end up destroyed, this all through a series of unwise decisions so I would say it is completely my fault.

[OlderAndWiser]

It is not a question of fault, as it requires two to dance the horizontal mambo. It is only a question of how you would respond to the situation.

[DizzyDesii]

Are you proposing only because there's a baby? i’d turn his proposal down in that case. “Expecting” is not gonna force me to marry but if im with the person, i prob saw myself marrying them long before we conceived anyways. If i got pregnant, i’m gonna give him the option to stay or go. We don’t have to be together for him to still want to be a dad to the kid

[OlderAndWiser]

I'm not intimate with a lady unless I see her as a long term partner.

[DizzyDesii]

But at the same time i’d feel he’s only proposing because of the baby. People like that usually call off the engagement if there's a miscarriage. So yea just make sure you propose because you love her, regardless of the kid

[OlderAndWiser]

The pregnancy might accelerate the timeline for me proposing but the proposal would be happening sooner or later.

[HikerDude]

It happened to me when I was much younger. I was 18 and seeing this woman who was 30 who I met at the gym. Her relationship was on the rocks, partly because she hadn't had sex in two years, and when she got pregnant, it was over for good. I did not handle it well. Secretly I wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't, because she was thankfully more mature than I was, and I'm grateful that she had the ability to handle it all.

[lovedejj_xo]

Hmmm sounds like my boyfriend most likely will be Ex soon because I don't know how I feel about dealing with his baggage. He met some older girl and in the talking phase managed to get her pregnant while going on dates with me now he has to get a paternity test but has been avoiding the situation 🙃

[OlderAndWiser]

@lovedejj_xo The "talking" phase? You don't get pregnant just by talking!

This guy doesn't sound like a big loss other than the time you can't get back.

[lovedejj_xo]

Yea I’m not too happy after wasting 9 months to find out he’s a father even though he just found out as well it’s just sloppy on his part and yes a definite waste of my time.

[HikerDude]

@lovedejj_xo you should thank him, because he did you a favor. Clearly, your relationship was already done, but neither one of you has had the fortitude to go through with a breakup. Too many people stay in these zombie relationships years past their deaths and blame other things for ending them when something mercifully puts the coupling out of its misery.

[Anonymous]

All of you who say you’d abort a child are the same people who wouldn’t hesitate to help an injured animal or take in a rescue for a pet. You would nurse that back to health and it won’t even have the ability to thank you for all you do. Everyone talks about the baby’s ability to sustain life on its own but yet you yourselves can’t sustain life without food or shelter. Being a parent is one of the most difficult jobs and you will have to sacrifice everything you love in life just to raise the child to adulthood but that child also can’t survive without YOU and YOU ONLY. By aborting that baby, you are taking the only job that you, and only you, can do. There isn’t one person on here that isn’t replaceable in their career. Every job can find a replacement who any employee and manager. You cannot replace the job of a parent. That job was meant for you and that child and you only.

[FictionalCharacter]

I would probably get a anxiety attack. Thinking, "oooooh shiiiiit." My mind racing of me getting a job to support the baby.

I mean, I do want children and a family of my own. But if it happens right now, while I'm barely getting by even for myself. It's scary.

[FictionalCharacter]

Also, i wouldn't force the guy to stay if he doesn't want to. This is my responsibility. As I'm the one carrying the baby. That all i can do as a mother, is put my child first and give it the best life ever.

[AskAsia91]

Some of them aren’t even an option A-D. You can’t force an abortion, you can’t force an adoption, if she does become a single mom
On your watch than you could be on CHILD SUPPORT on her time and D. How can you want someone else to raise a child who didn’t have it? I would go with F. I would have my baby.

[OlderAndWiser]

The options all ask about what you would want and nothing that I have written suggests or even implies forcing someone else to comply with your will, so I have no idea what prompted your comments.

I did not mention CHILD SUPPORT as an option because, if a girl keeps the baby and requests financial assistance from the father, CHILD SUPPORT is not an option but is mandatory.

[stardust2021]

I would have the baby. I’m not against abortion but I’m not too young to be a mom and do have hormonal imbalances that may make conceiving difficult. I’m on birth control. So if it were to happen, I’ll embrace it. I wouldn’t want to rush getting married but moving in together would be a first step.

[Singlechic]

I’m completely against abortion so that not even an option. I’ve had a big scare before and my ex and I decided we were going to raise the baby but keep things the way they were between us. I didn’t want a baby to be the reason we got married. I wanted him to marry me on his on terms and because he loved me. Now we are broken up so I’m glad we didn’t try to get married because it would have been more complicated.

[beebella]

At first, I would probably consider terminating the pregnancy because I'm in no position to be having a baby right now. But then I would think, "I'm 27 years old. I don't know how many more years I'll be healthy and fertile for, so what if this is the only chance I get to have a baby?" And I would probably decide to keep the baby and just do whatever I need to do to provide for my child and myself.

[renvy23]

abortion is murder

[beebella]

And?

[renvy23]

i knew women were evil anyway so why did i disappoint myself again my bad!

[beebella]

Yes, I'm evil, so go away already.

[andreasderjuengere]

What I did back then: we married, raised the kids together for a while, admitted to have made a wrong decision, got divorced, tried to be nice, got fucked over, and moved on to my next life.
What I'd do now: kick my girlfriend out. I had a vasectomy :D

[SunsetRise]

I voted F simply because, as a single woman, I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I'd have to be faced with it directly to have a complete answer. HOWEVER, at this moment in time, I think I'd have the baby and raise it on my own with the support of my family if the father of the child was a fling or didn't want anything to do with the child. If I were in a committed, long-term relationship, I would let the father know and decide together from there. If neither of us was ready to have a kid, I would abort it.

If you can't financially support a baby or just aren't ready, I say abortion is certainly an option.

[Riddler1412]

I would like her to have a baby, but it's her choice. If she wanted to have a baby, I'd be the happiest father alive.
Marriage is, well... We can discuss it later.
If you get married, just because you got her pregnant, it just seems like a forced marriage.

[Riddler1412]

I'm not saying I wouldn't wanna get married.

[Thedivinechic]

I'm single (divorced) I would keep but I don't believe I would want to get married again. I want to have the choice to leave instead of ever saying the word divorce to a child. When a guy falls for another girl, while cheating, not even his kids matter. And that is a risk I don't want you take unless I know for sure he wants to be married. Pressure on a guy just makes him resent a women. Meh. No gracias.

[InferiorElegy]

If I had a girlfriend and she was pregnant, obviously I wouldn't be single.
However if a girl was to come up to me telling me she was pregnant, I'd be confused as hell for her telling me of all people, like I know it's not mine and I know I'm ugly but I'm not going to make a deal with you so you can try and sacrifice your baby to me, I'm ugly not a monster and if she's looking for advice or help, I'm sorry but I can't help and I have no advice to give except ask a doctor.
On another note if a girl told me I got her pregnant and said she was going to sue for child support I'd laugh because as pathetic as it sounds I would easily be able to say to the judge, I haven't had sex and there is no way the kid is mine and on that note I'd like to counter and Sue her for defamation and emotional damages.

None of that'll ever happen so I have nothing to worry about.

[OlderAndWiser]

"Single" means not married. That is not my definition. It is the Merriam-Webster definition of the word.

[InferiorElegy]

Well society's definition is someone who is is solo or alone without a person to love them.

[OlderAndWiser]

That is a very recent change to the definition but the standard dictionary definition is still unmarried.