After failed relationships and staying single for a couple of years I always feel surprised while watching movies and reading stories about loving men. To me, it seems quite unreal and fake.
So, tell me please, how do you see the concept of love (loving a woman).
How do men love?
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I've only been in two relationships and neither one lasted very long unfortunately. Love for me is when I care about a woman and want to spend everyday of my life with her, of course she can go and do her own things such as spending time with friends and I'll do the same, but she will always be my priority and my world. I would drop anything at anytime to help her and care for her. Being in love makes me want to be romantic and give gifts and just do nice things for her like dinner dates or writing poetry for her and flowers. Spending time with a woman that I love is one of my favorite things ever. I love very deeply and passionately so I need to feel a very strong connection and have her be someone I can trust and talk to about anything. Someone that I can comfort when she sad and someone that will hold me when I cry. Love is all about feeling wanted, connected and being supportive and affectionate. I can't wait to meet the right woman for me so I can share that with her.
Let me sum up what I once read (can't remember the book / author) that I applied to my most recent and satisfying relationship.
Modern media teaches us that "being in love" is an emotional state to strive for, that once we reach a certain pinnacle, we will forever be shrouded in this feeling. What we are neglecting, however, is *doing* love: listening, empathizing, serving, sacrificing, understanding, being there, encouraging, respecting. When you *do* these things, then you are truly loving your partner.
Loving is as unique to guys as to girls. No two are alike. To watch a movie and expect all guys or all girls to be that way is just deceiving yourself. Movies focus on what people want to see, not what actually exists, as they're created to make money, not to display reality. Rather than view what you want to see, see what actually exists. By not seeing reality, we just set ourselves up to be frustrated and disappointed. There is a wide range of differences between how people love. The key is to find the one that matches the person you are, not just pick someone and expect that person to turn out a specific way.
Identify the key areas in your life that are most meaningful to you. Research and find situations where these types of people associate. Get involved with those groups. It can be volunteer work, service clubs, interest clubs, associations that promote certain beliefs or anything else that works for you. Take on a position of responsibility and let people see you in action. Someone will rise out of the crowd, and you'll find a special connection. Understand it's about the individual, not the masses.
I understand what you mean and completely agree with it. After all, that is what I suggest when single people complain saying there's no one around. But that's not the point, is it? Of course, you might meet someone at one of the places you've mentioned, you two might share the same interests, mentality, etc., but it won't be a guarantee of love, will it? I will add something to my point. What I've noticed is that men don't get emotionally attached. It's more or less on a physical level. They don't feel your pain and refuse to show their own either. It's like they build an invisible wall between you too. You're together but you're also alien to each other.
There are many types of love. It is possible to love someone as a friend but not feel a physical connection. There are a lot of factors that go into determining compatibility. Just be sure to see what exists rather than what you believe could or should exist.
As far as the lack of emotional attachment, that is common. Unfortunately, that pattern will continue as long as mothers continue to fear their son's will become sissies, so constantly tell them that big boys don't cry, big boys don't share their emotions, and big boys can fix anything. My mother even took it to the point of calling me Butch, yet I've never been anything close to a Butch. Being taught to hold in our feelings during our formative years, followed by women expecting us to just eliminate that indoctrination, will not have a positive outcome. If women want men to be vulnerable and share feelings, then make sure you prioritize your partner's safety at all times. Unfortunately, too many women feel entitled to say whatever they want, without considering how their words might impact others. If you listen to women, I'm sure you frequently hear assumptions, accusations, blame, criticism and a lot of shoulds and shouldn'ts. How are men to lay down their defenses when women feel entitled to constantly attack when things don't go their way? You may say you don't do these things, but even women who do these things deny they are inconsiderate and insensitive, so how are guys to know who to trust? Guys have been sensitized to being attacked whenever they don't measure up, so they'll continue to hold things in and protect themselves until the woman consistently shows (not just says) he will be safe under all conditions.
In that case, what is the connection they are looking for? Let's say marriage is the highest point of showing someone your devotedness and readiness of spending your entire life with them, your trust and connection. If there is no such connection then the rest is insincere. I know different people have different reasons for getting married, but in general what is the idea driving men to it. Please, don't say the society puts them do it.
It is true that people seek out different types of connection for various reasons. You may view marriage as the highest form of connection, yet marriage or having kids won't fix a dysfunctional relationship. There are advantages of marriage when kids are involved, but older women generally view marriage as a guaranty of their financial well-being. They assume they will gain financially, even if the marriage ends in divorce. I value a special connection over a legal obligation. I would much prefer someone is with me out of choice, not out of obligation. Too many people feel they no longer need to work on the relationship once they have that legal document. You're correct is saying without the connection the rest is insincere, but connection has nothing to do with legal obligation. I've seen too many dysfunctional marriages to believe the institution adds any significant positive to the connection. I personally choose to create and nurture a healthy connection with a partner. I want to love, honor and respect out of desire, not out of obligation. As long as people prioritize marriage over enduring love, people will continue to be frustrated and disappointed by the institution of marriage.
As far as men's reasons for choosing marriage, they are as varied as women's. Some guys seek someone to take on the role of the mother he once had (taking care of his every need). Others believe they need that legal paper to keep their partner from straying (as they question their ability to hold their partner's interest over time), though most marriages do not survive. Others just want a convenient receptacle to use as a stress reducer whenever they wish. As long as men make more money than women, marriage is unlikely to motivate guys whose primary goal is to acquire wealth.
As far as society putting men up to marriage, people generally aren't forced to become or do anything in particular. The life we choose is the life we live. Yes, there are societies where people are told who and when to marry, yet most people have choice, even if they don't want to take responsibility for those choices. For the most part, we aren't slaves, unless we choose to be slaves.
So that is to say, women, themselves made the men we have nowadays. Where I come from divorce is not too common, meaning women don't lean on it. If they got married then they should stick with their husbands, otherwise they will bring shame to their family and or stay single for the rest of their lives. But it's true that most of the couples stop working on their relationships after the marriage. Issues born from that pile up on already existing ones and all that leads to a divorce. Only, my question is not about the divorce, or the "profit" a woman gets out of it, it's not even about the marriage. My question is about the lack of affection from the men's side. It's like you live in a world where the woman is a small part of it, an accessory. You don't share your world with her, she just becomes a small part of it. It's like we're not significant enough.
Affection declines for various reasons. It's a toss-up as to whether the man or woman loses interest first. Sometimes, women become mommies and then minimize being wives. When guys feel pushed to the back burner, they eventually lose all interest. Sometimes intimacy becomes too much of a routine, with no variety or creativity. When that happens, only the release is seen as having any value (not the connection), and even that becomes less important over time.
The key to keeping the spark in affection is to be creative. I'm not saying it is necessary to go to extremes, but variety is important. If you look at men's magazines, you won't see just one picture, but a layout of pictures. No matter how much you airbrush a photo, no woman is ideal for all men. Rather than judge them by how ideal they are, what holds interest is wondering what is coming next. You want the overall pattern to be familiar, as we must feel safe to enter any opportunity, but mix up the order, so it doesn't become totally predictable. Also, occasionally add something new to the mix. Show an interest in how your choices impact your partner (rather than just focus on your own pleasure). Be an active equal participant in all aspects of the encounter. Be openly responsive. Don't just passively lay on the bed with your legs spread and tell him to let you know when it is over.
A woman is like a grand piano... beautiful piece of furniture, but pretty useless if you can't make beautiful music. Help your partner discover all the unique and wonderful tones, melodies and harmonies, and then enjoy the symphony you create together.
"men don't get emotionally attached" here, you're making a generalization, you did not use "most men" or "many men" you were not specific to " the men I have known/been with" This kind of stuff, they way you say it and seem to feel it, this is one reason why some men have their "walls up", there's other reasons yes, but this is one. You also seem to get ideas from movies, which is fiction and idealization, this could also be another reason why many men won't feel like getting emotionally open around you. We cannot "compete" nor "compare" with Ryan Gosling on whatever movie or some other scripted guy. (most of us don't want to either, lol). I do not go into relationships looking for physicalities, it is definitely an important factor but never my priority, so it is about two people at the end, so even if you and I were looking for the same thing, I would still be wondering this about you... why generalize so simply and why give it importance to the "movies", it would be reducing something that is very complicated (human nature) to a simplistic way to see things (generalizations and idealizations). So I would be wondering about that, with you.
The reason why I brought up movies, is that it's the only place I see men showing any sort of affection š or should say 'affection of that extent' nothing more. And yes, I might indeed be generalizing, but that is also why I asked the question here. I need real answers from real men and not just conclusions made in my head.
Loving a woman. One my favorite things to do. There is a scene in the movie 40 days and 40 nights where the guy using a flower and his breath to get a girl to orgasm. It is the most erotic scene in the movie. I know how to connect to a girl spiritually and i use that energy to turn hers and play with it. I can make her feel things she never knew she could ever feel. There is more to life than what you can see. 😎
I don't know about other men (can you believe it, that some men actually love women by spending their own money on them girls like they're a sugar daddy/gold digger?).
But I love women. I love women with my heart and bond with them fast. Hugs, kisses and everything nice. Women are lovable. That's how I love women.
It is hard to describe. At first it is really scary. You are giving somebody else the ability to rip out your still beating heart and stomp the life out of it. When it is going good it is exciting and relaxing at the same time. I love to be able to make somebody happy. It is awesome to just talk on the phone late at night, maybe with the lights out. I love making somebody's life better and have my life be better as well.
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Anonymous
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There's some truth in movies. One time I met a girl, fell in love, had a conflict and argument, then realized that I did love her so I reconciled with a happy ending, all within 2 hours. It was the best massage I ever got, too.
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