He thinks (?) I cheated so he dumped me. Would you consider this cheating?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have a long history (17 years knowing each other, this is our 3rd time trying a relationship. We both see a forever future together). This time we’ve been struggling at it for a year, and after so many ups and downs our relationship had a lot of stress built up. One night he looked through my phone and found text messages between myself and a male friend- some of the messages are flirty- not anything raunchy just like innocent flirty. ( Why?- my boyfriend had been completely closed off/emotionally detached/ keeping me at arms length for the entire year- I was feeling rejected for awhile and desperately seeking emotional validation.). This friend and I have never done anything beyond friends but I know he likes me a bit. Anyways my boyfriend originally said ‘hey, we need to talk about this guy’, which I agreed to and was more than happy to be fully transparent! Then before we met up he flipped out over text, calling me a cheater and everything else awful to say to someone. Dumped me. A few days later he texted asking if I love him. Honestly don’t understand how he went from wanting to understand the situation to accusing me of cheating. Is this what he really believes or was that an overreaction? Do you think texting is cheating?

[Nawlins34]

Answering your question, directly; Yes, this is cheating.

Let's break this all down.

1.) "One night he looked through my phone" - I've always said and will continue to say, if you have to play detective with the person you love, it's time to end it. The findings don't matter, that you had to actually play detective, says enough. He doesn't trust you, bottom line.

2.) "- and found text messages between myself and a male friend- some of the messages are flirty- not anything raunchy just like innocent flirty." ( Why?- my boyfriend had been completely closed off/emotionally detached/ keeping me at arms length for the entire year- I was feeling rejected for awhile and desperately seeking emotional validation.). This friend and I have never done anything beyond friends but I know he likes me a bit." - This is cheating and grounds for ending the relationship.

a.) At worst? You cheated. At best? you're entertaining a guy that you KNOW wants more than a friendship with you, which is in direct conflict of the relationship you had with your ex. You're cheating by investing time in someone who's not in that relationship. The "innocent" flirts you engaged in, were for your ex, not him. Let single people flirt with other single people. That time flirting with a friend, could've been time spent repairing the relationship. How you spent that time was a choice; he saw that.

b.) Your reasoning doesn't justify your actions. Your ex behavior, while I agree not good, could also be explained if he's with someone he doesn't trust. You're both culpable here as well. He should've ended the relationship as soon as he felt that way and couldn't save it. You, should've ended it when you felt rejected and it was clear this wasn't going to change.

3.) "Anyways my boyfriend originally said ‘hey, we need to talk about this guy’, which I agreed to and was more than happy to be fully transparent!" - If this happened after he went through your phone, being fully transparent at this point is moot.

4.) "Then before we met up he flipped out over text, calling me a cheater and everything else awful to say to someone. Dumped me. A few days later he texted asking if I love him. Honestly don’t understand how he went from wanting to understand the situation to accusing me of cheating. Is this what he really believes or was that an overreaction? Do you think texting is cheating?" -

Yes, this is cheating as I described in detail in 2a above.

Look, based on what you typed in your question presented to us, you two are not meant for each other.

There's no love here. I think you both are in love with the "idea" of being in love with each other, but you're actually in "love" with the sense of normalcy you two bring to each other. At 17yrs in, you know what you're dealing with. Change was so scary to you both the first and second time, hence your "3rd" try.

Just because you CAN be together, doesn't mean you SHOULD be together.

1.) You two never set boundaries and expectations at the beginning of this relationship, we know because you two don't even agree on what constitutes cheating in your relationship.

2.) He asked do you still love him - Honestly, say "no" and end the suffering for both of you. ESPECIALLY if you don't intend on ending your friendship with the other guy. Just end it, because he doesn't trust you and you won't even acknowledge your actions to correct it. He won't change to make you happy b/c you're both 17yrs in, you got this far without having to change, so why would either of you do it?

Walk away and let two hearts heal and live better lives.

Just my opinion, I hope I helped. Good luck and be safe.

[caring__1]

So he has chosen to disconnect from you for a year, yet he feels entitled to judge your actions as being inappropriate? Ask yourself your reasons for wanting to hold onto this guy. He obviously doesn't take your feelings into consideration... just expecting to be the puppeteer while you remain his puppet. It doesn't appear there was a relationship to cheat on. If he wanted a relationship, he would have paid attention to you. We'll never legitimize our dysfunctional patterns by pointing out dysfunctional patterns in others. Find someone to have a real relationship with.

[Asker]

Thank you so much 💛 I appreciate you

[caring__1]

You're welcome.

[Anonomo]

Yes, you were flirting even if you didn't do anything you were still flirting with another guy who isn't your boyfriend. How would you react and how would you feel if you found text messages with him "innocent flirting" with another girl?

[OlderAndWiser]

If you were willing to be so transparent, why did he learn about this only when he went through the messages on your phone?

[FilmGuy93]

I think that what you did was cheating, yes. You and your boyfriend are clearly not a stable, healthy fit, otherwise you wouldn't be trying to date so many times.

Move on for your own sanity. Nothing good will come from this situation for you.

[Adam1978]

Texting is not cheating, however they can certainly contain enough info to break up anyways. If you reveal way, you think or act that doesn't align well with girlfriend material.

[boggboss]

Yes its cheating the way u needed to defend it shows it was cheating u looked for emotinal validation outside the relationship that is cheating u can blame him but what u did those cross the line

[Sam_The_Savage]

"forever" always come with the expiry date..
What kind of flirt you do with your guy friend? And when you have boyfriend what's make you to flirt with other guy?

[Asker]

Just innocent flirting, we are already friends of 5 years so saying things like I miss you isn’t rare. So we’d say things like, I miss your laugh, or we need to visit someday!

[Sam_The_Savage]

It's innocent n cool
Or maybe your boyfriend just wanting reason to dump you. No?

[Unit1]

No. He screwed up big time. First he emotionally neglects you and your needs and then he gets upset when you get it from someone else. It was bound to fail by his errors.

[Wise4myage]

Please, just move on and start dating other guys. I don’t ever see this working out.

[Asker]

Thanks for your honest opinion :)

[Wise4myage]

You’re welcome.😊

[Anonymous]

So you were doing "innocent flirting" with another guy because you weren't getting enough attention from your boyfriend?

Your boyfriend was right to dump you.

[Anonymous]

it's fucking cheating for christ sakes wtf.. cheating is cheating don't try to justify it or play it down ffs

[Avicenna]

It’s emotional cheating

[Asker]

You know I actually do agree with you- but if we are talking emotionally- is it cheating if the person was emotionally detached for the entirety of the relationship? Constantly leaving, not in contact, not considering emotions; not willing to open up or take any requests from their partner? If one is emotionally abandoned, then is one emotionally cheating in texting?

[Avicenna]

It still is. Why did you break up with before doing that, since you were so unhappy.

[Asker]

Good Q. We had been back and forth breaking up tbh. When the texting with this friend became flirty, boyfriend and I weren’t together- he had dropped me like a hot potato not explaining why saying he wanted to be alone. I continued to text the friend after boyfriend had texted “I miss you”, without any follow up for days.

[Avicenna]

Ouch. Well, if you weren’t together at the time, you can flirt with whomever you want

[In_Trance]

You lost me at 3rd time trying

[Asker]

Haha thank you this is s a good point

[Anonymous]

cheating