What should I do about my cheating father?

Question

So I've caught my father cheating on my mother a while ago.. I told my aunt and she immediately made my father end things
I was extremely angry at him although he is a good father but he neglects my mother a lot and I recently found out he has been spending time with the other woman although my mother is very good and affectionate with him
I still can't move on after months.. I'm still always suspicious of what he's doing.. it's also making me sad because I bumped into his mistress a while ago and I have a feeling that he didn't end things like he said he did
It's affecting my relationship with my boyfriend too..

BigPunny · Accepted Answer

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm sorry you've been put in this position. I can honestly say I've never had to deal with 'catching' a parent cheating and being in a position of asking myself what to do about it.

That said, please understand that we often see our parents differently than we do others. They aren't seen as these individuals with their own troubles, concerns, wants, dreams, mistakes, etc. -- they're just Mom & Dad. At least, that was my experience growing up.

The reality, however, is that your Mom and your Dad are just people. They deal with issues that you deal with, share similar insecurities (though in a different context) and are still living life as it comes and do not have the answers for everything. We're really just people (I'm a Dad).

There is a scenario in which your mother and father have an agreement that your Dad is allowed to do those things. I'm not saying this is likely, but it isn't an impossibility. And that situation would be between your Mom and your Dad, as a couple.

Given the likelihood of him not having permission, we'll just assume this is true - for argument's sake. Now, what should be done to rectify this situation?

The first thing to do is to understand that you cannot truly know the nuances of the relationship between your Mom & your Dad. As a parent myself, I guarantee you that you don't know the half of things both your parents have done, or are currently doing. This goes back to my original point - they are both people. People can be very strange in private while seeming normal in public. The point being: you just cannot know the full story, nor would your Aunt truly know.

Because their relationship is a private affair (one they keep the crazy things from you), you should find a way to remove yourself emotionally from their relationship drama. It is affecting you because you are placing yourself in between them. If they both are parents to you, then love that part of them but their relationship has nothing to do with you, though certain things can reflect on you unintentionally, which is where you find yourself now - but at the end of the day, you are putting yourself in their relationship and you should try not to do that.

Once you've been able to remove yourself emotionally from their relationship troubles, you should approach your Dad, without hostility or emotion, to let him know that what he did hurt you and you've been struggling with what to do.

As a Dad, I would feel so horrible to know that part of my relationship spilled into my parenting and if that doesn't fix it, then there may be deeper issues than you realize, which, again, are things only they can fix.

It is a strange thing to realize that your parents are just like everyone else, have their own demons, are fallible, and often act irrationally or uncivilized, but it's true - we're all plodding through life, each day a new lesson and a new experience for us. But, it is the reality of it.

But, your parents love you and that will not change. But they struggle too. Try not to place yourself in their relationship but you have a right to express to him that it is hurting you and you feel forced to make choices you shouldn't have to make.

Once you are able to remove yourself from their issues, then the scenario becomes less of a mess for you.

I do hope you find a way to not stress about it, and I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I hope something I've said helps and I wish you the very best of luck.

Dragonpurple · Accepted Answer

I have always said honest is the best, if you tell your mother... yes she will be hurt, but your not the one hurting her.

I think of it like this, she is already hurt by your father, she just doesn't know it yet. Honestly just brings it out so she can move on.

Its entirely possible once things come out, they could work things out. There was a teacher here several years back that cheated on his wife (who he had six or so kids with) with a student, and a couple of years later they had worked things out and had another baby.

Now that is one possibility but its also possible your mother may want to leave him.

Either way it needs to be her choice and just because your the bearer of bad news doesn't make it wrong. If you think of any other scenario where when someone finds something out it hurts them (besides cheating) would you hesitate? say telling her that someone died, that she cared about... would hurt her or would you just do it to move past it?

Just an FYI, my ex cheated on me and while it hurt like hell and I'm likely scarred for life, I have moved beyond it and Happily married to someone else that I never would of met had I not known my ex was cheating on me.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

I think it would be best to see a professional like a counselor to process your emotions and reactions around this. At the end of the day, he is still your dad and is human and made a big mistake. And yes that mistake impacts you and your family, so it is complicated. It definitely has effected your perspective of him, and rightfully so.

He may be a bad husband or bad at relationships, but if he was a loving, committed father, then the relationship between him and you might be worth preserving. It will likely be hard to mentally separate what he did to your family from who he is to you as a father. It will take time, healing, and forgiveness. It is only up to you though how close you want to be with him, and what part you want him to play in your life.

As kids, we see our dads as perfect and as role models, but naturally as we grow older, we realize the flaws big or small. A sudden change in that view causes discomfort and sometimes distrust especially if it is a flaw this large. Humans are complex, so it is not as black and white as good and evil. For example, some people who cheat have had unstable parents themselves and growing up in that environment effects them one day as an adult partner. There is no excuse for cheating, but humanizing and understanding someone can sometimes help open up for forgiveness, and helps to shed the image of perfection that we often see our parents as. It can help to reframe the situation so it isn’t as black and white. It’s clear that you don’t trust him right now and that’s okay. But maybe you can start to think about what qualities and areas in him you can trust. It could be his handiness/helpfulness, his expertise in any areas, a shared activity/interest, being there for you when you’re sad, being there for you at events. Not every dad is perfect, but there can be qualities that make him worth being in your life.

If you’re an adult, it might help to move out of home and work on yourself for healing. Staying in the same environment might not be healthy for the healing process.

Definitely give it time, surround yourself with supportive people, take alone time as needed. As hard as it is, you will make it through this and so will your mom. You have full control as to what next steps you want to take.

Breanna_nonbinary · Accepted Answer

As a general rule guys cheat because sex is a biological need. To men sex is just sex. If he isn’t having sex with your mom then it’s could be a reason he is cheating. Women generally cheat because they aren’t feeling the love the need from the man in their life. In both of these scenarios each is seeking something they aren’t getting. People’s expectations of marriage is that the other person will fulfill ALL the other’s needs. But this is unrealistic and puts a lot of pressure on not only the relationship but the other person. We should be able to find the things we need in other without it involving love and relationships. For example some of your friends are crazy fun and some are great listeners. But you don’t expect you crazy fun friend to be a great listener and vice versa. You get what you need from the friends you have to fulfill the needs you have.
My advice is it isn’t your relationship. Although you disagree with what he’s doing it’s not your place to say something. One day you’ll understand the stress and maintenance of a relationship and empathize.

Brainsbeforebeauty · Answer

I know it might be hard... But your mom needs to know... Finding out your dad is cheating will be hard. But if she ever finds out asthen finds out you knew and your aunt knew yet kept it secret, she'll most likely feel betrayed by more than just your father...

jennifer_bloom · Answer

Tell your father you will tell the mom he cheated if he doesn’t stop seeing her or just go directly to your mom and let her know he cheated.

Qdbrown · Answer

One thing I have learned is to stay out of people's business. I know you women want to destroy your father over this, so your poor mother can know.

Just ask yourself this? Are you really ready for the drama and fights. Are you ready for all the strange and hard days to come? Are you ready for a divorce? Are you ready to see two very destroyed people?

I know you women want your revenge. Ask most of these women who want your mother to know, and I bet they have their own bias about cheating.

Honestly, you made the first mistake telling your aunt. It's just a matter of time. Really you should have confronted your dad and have him fix all of this. Let him manage it. He would know you would know and he would have a reason to change things.

Now, you will get to spend a year helping your mother over this. There might be a divorce. But you would be shocked how many couples don't breakup over cheating. You will get to. rixe this thing out now that there will be a domino of bad decisions made from your dad down.

key_statistics · Answer

From a point of view that was just like yours. As a kid growing up when my dad was cheating on my mom. I found it best to turn my relationship with them as a friend not as a son and some one that was affected. This helped me cope with what was going on. Because looking at both as good friends I was able to see the choices that they both make and not be affected by them. Looking at your point. I will ask your mom questions to find out her side and point of view. Like, "mom what does marriage mean?", " mom what if one person loses interest in the other one?" Then after you get to know her views then you make the decision. Not to mention do the same with your dad. Now to them, you will be their child so you can let each one know the other point of view and not spill the beans. Like "mom dad thinks we all have needs and it is up to each one whether to fill his or her own needs, what do you think?" Now depending on your mom, she might be able to put the pieces together. But it will not be your fault or problem as they both are just good friends that have a relationship with each other.

HawkPerception · Answer

You're handling things the best you can. Not cool that your dad cheated on your mom. I'm sorry to say, but your mom definitely deserves better than that, regardless of whether he's a good dad or not. It's just tough to lose a partner, especially when you're older. I would not try to keep their relationship together and I would just focus on supporting your mom.

On another note with your boyfriend... there's no reason to let your family issues affect your relationship. Everyone deserves to be treated as their own person and given their own chances. Don't build up an emotional wall based on your experiences in life. It will make it hard to ever fully commit in any relationship.

Finchie40 · Answer

I think your Mom needs to know the truth , I know you don’t want to see your parent’s separate or divorce but the fact that your Dad is cheating on her shows he doesn’t really love and value your Mom , he is just with her Cuz of what they have invested together , and if he is sleeping with this mistress and then sleeping with your Mom who’s to say if your Mom contracts some sort of STD from your Dad being a cheating asshole , bottomline what your Dad is doing is wrong period , And it’s wrong For you to keep it a secret that is eating You alive , Your Dad is wasting his time and your Mom’s time living a lie , time to point an end to it and let your Mom move on , and make her decision on what happens instead of being
Lied to ,

HaleyArnold · Answer

It’s a tough situation.

here’s what I would do :

-either talk to my dad directly : he’s putting an enormous burden on you and that is not fair

- talk to your aunt again she is your best ally.

- about your mom : I don't know if I would tell her cause I don’t want to cause pain (even though it’s not the messenger’s fault at all). I would try all other solutions before.
- I agree with another comment : go see a therapist if you’ve been affected deeply by that to the point of letting it affect your relationships.

- if you know the mistress, even maybe talk to her?

hhadeshatesme · Answer

not the men in these comments defending your dad😬 if your mom doesn’t know and it’s not an arrangement between the two of them she has the right to know and a chance for them to properly deal with it. *if* your dad knows that you know about the affair it’s selfish of him to ask you not to tell. And to the men telling her their marriage ain’t her business if you were in the same situation it would break you’re heart to see your mom treated like that.

CookiesAndCream2 · Answer

It's very simple. Cheating is disrespect. Some people say it is because the relationship is flawed. Well why is the rapport "flawed". Because of disrespect. Disrespect is why issues are not brought to light before the cheater takes to seeing other people.

So ultimately your father doesn't respect your mother or his family. That is why most self-respecting husbands and wives (boyfriends/girlfriends) kick their cheating spouse/partner to the curb and tell them to fuck off/never come back. They understand that the cheater is disrespectful & selfish. Thinks only of themselves.

So if you suspect your father is doing it again it's very simple. Go to your aunt, have a serious talk with her as she already knows, and then decide what to do. Don't be surprised if your aunt says your mother should know.

Anonymous · Answer

Before that man was your father and your mother's husband, he was still a man. Now as far as you intervening, I really think you went too far. What your father did was wrong there's no doubt about it, but what he's doing to your mother has absolutely nothing to do with you. You seem to come off as some sort of brat because things didn't happen how you wish for them to happen between those two since your father cheated. You don't know your father like how your mother does and I'm certain that he has his reasons. If he didn't end things with his mistress, oh well, what exactly are you able to do about that? You going to tell your aunt again or are you going to let your father live his life? Just stop trying to fix things, because it'll.

Like any sibling, your aunt acted on what she believed in on her sister's best interest.

Now as far as the relationship with your boyfriend, the situation pertaining to your father has an absolutely nothing to do with that. It's you that's causing a strain on your own relationship with your boyfriend. You really need to get it together and understand s*** happens. Just grow up for once and realize life is unfair to everyone, but everyone makes a choice of their own, just like you.

hahahmm · Answer

Why did you think it was a good idea to tell your aunt instead of your mom? Some aunts are actively trying to make bad things happen to their sister or laugh when bad things happened. You got lucky that your aunt isn't like that. One day your mom will find out you told others but not her... that might not go over well.

I'd either tell mom or just ignore and pretend not to see anything.

Leavesbound · Answer

A person can be a good parent but a lousy spouse. I would say this is between your Mom and your Dad and try not to let it affect your relationship with your Dad and certainly don't let it affect your relationships with men in general. We don't all cheat. I certainly never have.

Anonymous · Answer

These comments are very embarrassing. They certainly never dealt with a situation of either parent being a cheater (whilst also living under their roof) and they think it's as simple as "threaten to tell on them" 🤦

they literally don't understand a hostage situation, that you may end up evicted and starving.

of course the noble thing would be letting your mother know and let your mother divorce your father but make sure it doesn't bite you in your ass as a result.

"I bumped into his mistress a while ago and I have a feeling that he didn't end things like he said he did"

you expect cheaters to be honest people? 😂😂😂 oh you.

crazy8000 · Answer

Look into it first instead of creating a huge mess.

You don't know what kind of relationship or arrangement your parents have in the first place.
There are other thing's you most likely can't know or are aware of that you can't see.

She might already know about it.
It might be her blessing that he should.
They might have a open relationship that they hide.
She might be cheating to or have been.
She might be A-sexual.
They might stay together to give the children the opportunity of a family there both are involved.
It could have been that he messed up to keep it unknown to you with some arrangement.
It can be they both wanted kids and had a arrangement.
He might be sheating and your mother doesn't care.
Swingers...

We don't know and parents rarely shows to their children for concern that exposure might harm the children in some way.

Sarahr123 · Answer

You would want to know so you can stop being backstabbed right? So let her know. It is better to know and get rid of a cheater than be backstabbed. If you remain silent you are covering up for his backstabbing and at some point become a part of it. She might get upset with you that you kept her in the darkness despite knowing. Seriously, tell her. She’s a good woman who deserves the truth. Show her the light.

molonski2 · Answer

Firstly , its no big deal , so very few are actually faithful in reality its about 20 % only , of those 20 % they are either impaired in some way , or utterly sht scared of the financial outcome , a lifetime is a long time , its easy to say you'll be faithful if you are in your 30s , guys will stray , takes two to tango.
Dont blame yourself , dont get involved , and certainly DO NOT tell your mother , if anyone asks if you knew " total and utter denial " . As this stuff happens constantly just stay out of it , follow your pursuits , enjoy your life.
Your father is STILL perfect , never stress over something you have no control over , he obviously needed extra and unbridled sexual activity , this is very exciting if you've been with just one for a long time , but who knows he's probably had other lovers also.
As they say " These things happen always " and never believe those with
holier than thou responses , it happens everywhere.

PinkMichae · Answer

Sorry you are in this position. I think you should tell your dad either fess up or you will tell mom. It's not fair to your mom or you. Once you get this off your shoulders I'm willing to bet things will get better with your boyfriend.

Remember, communication is key. Good luck.

Alwayreckles93 · Answer

That's horrible and sad that whore is ruining a happy home for a reason they are called home wreckers the bitch deserves a punch in her nose and mouth to the point to nocked her teeth out and live her toothless and see if your dad still wants a toothless whore. Your mother has cook , clean wash his clothes and he gives your poor mother this crap! I'm sorry your dad should sleep in the dog house and that mistress bitch deserves to get punch in her face until it bleeds.

Anonymous · Answer

Disgusting how some people defend your dad. I am curious how they would react if the genders were reversed and their mum cheated on their dad since they say men can cheat. You should tell that to your dad. I have an uncle whose wife become very sick/disabled. She even can't eat on her own, can't talk and can't move but my uncle still love her and did not cheat on her. There is no excuse for cheating.

Bean2thousand · Answer

The rhetoric of infidelity is indeed political. When something as seemingly innocuous as disrobing and copulating happens to someone with whom we are rubbing our genitalia together, the result can be heated. Divorce and even murder has occurred during such heightened states. Evolution has played a significant role in this all too human reaction to infidelity. Hormones surge through the body of the victim, signaling that his future offspring has been threatened, leading to a condition which those of us at the top of the animal kingdom have dubbed anger. But, it is at best, a biological response to unrealized procreation.

collin12 · Answer

I went through this exact same thing a few years ago. The only bit of advice I can give you unfortunately is, and this is going to suck to hear, is that your parents relationship isn’t your business. My parents tried for years to “work it out” by going to therapy and doing all sorts of things to save their marriage. I ended up being a therapist to my mom everytime I talked to her and she would rave about my father. At the end of the day my dad just didn’t want to and he wanted to be with the other woman. I’m not saying your situation is going to end up similar, and I know it’s hard, but brace for that possibly

Alyssa11 · Answer

It’s a relationship between him and your mother. I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t get involved. This is your father so maintain your relationship with him in that way only. If he’s a good father to you that is all that should concern you. The way he behaves as a husband is none of your concern, it is your mother’s concern only.

DaveToo · Answer

This is a difficult pathway you are trying delicately to tread. Your Aunt, as good as she is to approach him about it, she's really not the one that needs to have that conversation with him. As difficult as it is, your Mom needs that information. You might consider having your Aunt with you to help break it to her.

CentralPerk77 · Answer

I think this is something you need to let go of and above everything don’t get involved. Your dad is your dad and try to avoid your position as the daughter of both of them. For all you know your mom knows by now. I wouldn’t want my kid to get involved in that way... parents are still regular people who, believe it or not, having their own relationship. They should let that play out however two adults should be able to.

Barry88 · Answer

It may sound harsh, but it's none of your business. He is cheating on your mom, not on you. And in my opinion, you shouldn't be the one telling it to your mom. Maybe she already knows, or maybe it will turn into a divorce. Sometimes it's better not to know everything.

But it's clear this bothers you. Can you talk again with your aunt? You've told her about it, maybe she can talk with you. Maybe that would make you feel better? Maybe she can talk with your father again?

BakedBeanieBabie · Answer

You are his child and it is not your job to force your parents to be better people.

You need to focus on yourself and allow your father to be a fuck up if he chooses to be and let the other adults manage him. Again, you are his child, not his mother.

melanieeeB · Answer

Oh yeah I caught my stepfather... anyways sit down and talk with your dad about your feelings towards him and his actions BUT like your dad and mom have to deal with that on their own, it's not your problem and the two of them have to find a solution for this.. not you

karaspara · Answer

Iv'e been in this situation but reversed damned if you do damned if you don't follow your heart sweetheart and i'm so sorry for your situation xx

Jackblue · Answer

Your aunt tried to handle things in the civilized way, but it didn't work it seems, time to tell your mother.

jshm2 · Answer

You do nothing. He's the adult, not you and you're just fucking things up all round with your drama.

Granted it's not a good thing. But exactly what are you going to do that will improve the situation? Nothing, you're just going to make things worse.

Back off and let your parents sort it out between them.

Alpha09 · Answer

Ooof, I don't know but personally if my dad cheated on my mom or vice versa I'd have tell them, if the person who did it wouldn't. I can't imagine wasting my life with someone who doesn't respect me or the relationship. I'd want someone to tell me.

Nadim171 · Answer

It's a messed up situation for sure, but you didn't handle it very well, things must be said. You should have sat down with him, talked to him personally, told him you caught him and won't tell your mother but he must stop. He would have appreciated it much more and he wouldn't feel betrayed. But you told your aunt.

RingOfFire · Answer

Above all else don't let it ruin your life. You are an adult now and have to make your own way.

In my opinion you should not get involved. This is a matter between your parents, and their relationship to work out. It's hard to grow up, but sometimes you have to do the hard things in life.

Try to maintain a good relationship with both your father and mother without getting involved between them. It's their thing to work out. They are only human and have faults like everyone else.

TheBigGuy9 · Answer

I’m truly saddened to read your post. My condolences. You need to tell your mother. Preferably with as many people there. I know you don’t want to hurt her, but what will hurt most is if she hears it from someone else or she runs into his mistress?

Miristheiss · Answer

Your mom needs to know.  This affects her more directly than you.  She is the one who needs to know the most and who needs the most support.

Interstate · Answer

I would tell him not to come around you until he gets his act together. But I agree with everybody that your Mom should know about it so she can take corrective action. What he does affects her, as well.

Adam1978 · Answer

I say switch shoes with your mother, what would you want a daughter to do if she found out that your husband cheated on you, And do that. Your father should keep getting in trouble with his cheating as long as the relationship exists in my opinion.

anghellic6942 · Answer

If your mom don't already really know approach the situation From her point of view n add your feelings just keep it real with her every woman is in tune with her man n can feel it but every woman deserves the truth

Wise4myage · Answer

You've let this affect you in a very negative way, I think you should consider seeing a therapist.

Pyrofox · Answer

Get your mom to act on it. >.> its not like he can keep running about if she got his receipts.

Newhead · Answer

Get your mother another man, and make sure he's hotter, always go lower.

kkirk4442 · Answer

I'm not sure what you should do about your father, but I do know, that you need to back off enough so that it doesn't effect your relationship with your boyfriend.

NorthAfrican · Answer

You should tell your mom.  She deserves to know.

Anonymous · Answer

you got two options. you can either talk to him about it and about how you feel or you can leave things bottled up since it's your dad and your mom's relationship to sort and work out and not yours and let your feelings and emotions out over the situation in other various ways and outlets

Honesttguy · Answer

Qell once you reach legal age its time to move out and live on your own, getting into parent dramas is not helping you to become better human and build new future

lovedejj_xo · Answer

My father cheated on my mom I have a half brother 1 year younger than me that I don’t really talk to. Try counseling!

Anonymous · Answer

Pro tip: Good fathers dont treat good mothers like crap.

Dazed0N0Confused · Answer

Your mother has every right to know & to make any & all decisions on her own. It is wrong of you to keep it from her.

Luckycharms12 · Answer

Think one those times you say nothing even tho it's hard

Xoirwinkan · Answer

You just throw in the last line there without explaining anything. Sounds like an important detail! Why did you tell an aunt instead of your mom? Did you talk to your dad about it?

HighHeelssss · Answer

I think that you sohuldn't think anything about it. Just stay away from this relationship. Because one day you'll be guilty and you cannot understand why did it happen.

Asianguy123 · Answer

you can't change him. however you shouldn't be afraid of having relationship because of your father. his business is his not yours.

4dmins-4-13itches · Answer

Sounds tough maybe there’s something legal you can do

Jxrdyn_13 · Answer

Blackmail TFFFF outta him, then tell your mum and let karma get him

Mangospacho · Answer

Honestly, just let your aunt handle it and let her beat his cheating ass for you.

Iraqlobsterr · Answer

Turn a blind eye and let men do what they do best. If you tell your mother, things would be much bad. You don't want to be the reason they got divorced!

HelenJacob · Answer

Free your father. See who you're happy with. Maybe he just satisfies his need for sex.

Anonymous · Answer

he probably has a reason for cheating. nmaybe it is more complicated than you know about

JustMe62 · Answer

Put tabasco sauce on his Weiner while he sleeps and tell him his behavior brought that on. ;)

loves2learn · Answer

You’re welcome, hun. I wish you well. :)

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