What’s your greatest fear in a relationship?

[Devlaw5]

What’s the worst thing your partner could do to break you heart?

[crazyish]

To not have my best interest in mind. To not genuinely care about me. To not be able to understand and accept me at my worst. To not trust or believe in me. To not be able to see the real me and assume I'm like everyone else. And lastly but certainly not the least, lying or trying to manipulate/control me because of all of the above.

[Cathy7734]

If you want those qualities, get a dog or cat. I don't think those qualities exist in people.

[Devlaw5]

Lol they do exist in people.. it’s also what I desire and give in relationships. Plus I’m surrounded by people like this. So we exist. Unfortunately not many of us do.

[Orangeandturquoise]

Ok so I know @crazyish, you and I have talked about this before. Some time has come and gone and I'd say that it shouldn't be a fear. I mean, that's the whole point with falling in love right? You FALL in love because you let a wall down for a person. So basically, what I have said in the past: being in love with someone is to be comfortable being vulnerable around that person. So feel free to have the fear you mentioned, but always be aware that if you at some point have a partner, that you tell him about this fear. Never hide it, cause if you do, the trust you supposedly said you had to him (hypothetically), will be fake and phony. It would be hurtful for you both if you both kept it in the dark. (Haha Jungian shadow ftw!)

And this brings me to an interesting point. So Jung said, quite correctly, that when it comes to considering and contemplating the identity of a partner and your own identity, that there's something not as typically attractive (aka the Shadow). So my question to you is: how is the real you someone is supposed to see, when it comes to this aspect, different from what everyone else is? Everyone has a shadow, oppressed trauma (granted, some darker than others, and maybe that's what you're trying to get at?)

[Orangeandturquoise]

Actually wait. I take some of it back. Wanting to be with someone with your best interest in mind is always a good thing.

[crazyish]

@Cathy7734 I seriously died laughing.. thank you I needed that🤣

@Devlaw5 where do you live exactly? And how do you go about finding these people to surround yourself in real life? I've found some on GaG but none irl.. lol

@Orangeandturquoise it's probably a fear still because I haven't taken the chance yet. I know I'm not really ready just because if it happens again, I'm unsure if I could handle it. Like I get that with no risk means no reward and that if I took a chance then it could be the real deal so I'm just waiting until I know I can do it. I could unintentionally hurt a really good person by not being ready also. And I'm upfront about my feelings and doubts, a warning so they know what they are getting into. But I understand what you mean.

And that is interesting to think about.. it makes sense about the shadow. But that's not entirely what I meant but pretty close. It's a bit hard to explain is all. But thank you for getting me to think a little broader.

[Orangeandturquoise]

If you ever feel like stop running and talking again, I'm here. I hope you're doing well. I've been thinking about you lately. Nothing I want to say publicly but just so you know

[Cathy7734]

@Orangeandturquoise
@crazyish
So there is a "romance" between you two? That's great!

[Orangeandturquoise]

@Cathy7734 haha she wishes 😜 but no, we're just.. I don't know, friends that are too afraid to speak to each other anymore? 😅

[Devlaw5]

@crazyish I’m from Jamaica.. I guess you could say I’ve developed an eye for it. All the people in my life who have the qualities you’ve mentioned are also creatives. Not saying that all creatives have these qualities. But to be a creative, you must at the very least recognize humanity. And if you’re a really great creative, you should care about and understand humanity.
When I was younger I was really shy and my father guarded me. I couldn’t have friends he didn’t approve of. I guess from their it just took me a while to trust people.
So now I live by rules. If I meet you, at best you’re an associate. It takes almost times at least a year for us to become friends and 2 to become SO’s. We don’t become SO’s unless we were friends first.
That gives me time to recognize what I like to call ‘beauty’. That’s just whether or not you’re able to recognize and care for humanity. Not humans but humanity. And if you can, ik you have what it takes to be a friend. Whatever other qualities I wanna see, that time should prove them to me.

[Devlaw5]

I answered that publicly in case anyone else wanted to know.. but pm me if you wanna talk more

[Devlaw5]

A few grammatical errors but I hope you understand regardless 😂

[crazyish]

@Cathy7734 and @Orangeandturquoise 😆 yes friends and that sounds utterly ridiculous when you put it like that🤣

@Devlaw5 That honestly makes a lot of sense. Can I ask you how you are able to not trust people right away or is that solelybecause of how your father was when you were younger? Especially caring about humanity.. which makes me always see the good in people. I tend to believe and trust too soon and I've been struggling and learning lesson after lesson on this front. You're personal way is very intriguing to me. It's smart.

[Devlaw5]

@crazyish, follow so I can pm.

[rjroy3]

That I'll get comfortable potentially change for the worse for myself as a man if I'm not careful. Like guys who are in shape until they get into a relationship and get fat.

It's more common for two people to let themselves go in a relationship, basically pricing eachother out of the market, than for two people to help eachother truly improve.

Half the reason relationships commonly lose passion in my opinion is they both stop trying. They get a little pudgy. The do desexualizing things like being in the bathroom while one is on the toilet. Both fart when the other is around.

Little things that stack up over time to being less attracted to someone you love. It's too common for people to slack and do worse, because in their mind the other person can't leave/won't leave/"they love me" or some variation of taking advantage in a way.

[lucas262]

My biggest fear? I guess my fear is I know what I am, try as I would I have some baggage I'll never be what I could have been. My fear is like other times in my life I believed I was just a normal guy but I was just trying so hard to act and live normal I'd fooled myself. Om afraid that old trauma would come back up and end things and id realize id been kidding myself the entire time thinking I could have something that seems meant for people who seemed whole.

Broken and trying to cover it up and waking up to reality one day.

I was gonna say being cheated on but I'd get over it this I wouldn't I'd probably lock part of me away and never dare try that whole bonding love thing again I know myself.

[tatianamay]

My dad cheated on my mother when I was 5, and even after my mom confronted him and him promising not to do it again, he cheated again twice. I don’t trust guys easily. I emotionally distance myself from them. I don’t want to end up with a guy like my dad. And a guy lying, telling me that he loves me when he clearly doesn’t. Cheating on me. Not genuinely caring about me. Things like that.


by the way I’m 16, and I’m not able to change the age on here

[tatianamay]

Tbh, my fear is guys, but I’m only attracted to them. I can’t really trust guys easily. Guess having a not-so-good father figure would do that to you.

[Devlaw5]

I’m sorry you and your mom had to go through that. I for one hate cheating.. always have.. shared an opinion on how strongly I’m against it. We’re not all like that. And it sucks that because of him and his example you’re forced to be super cautious with men. But there are good guys out there, and I hope you find one.

[tatianamay]

People tell me that I’m too mature and opinionated. I don’t think guys like girls like that, but I do hope I find a good guy when I grow up. Thank you for taking your time out to reply to my comment, I did not want to rant, but oh well. Thanks though :D

[Devlaw5]

Lol you’re welcome.. and I promise you, guys do like girls like that.. unfortunately we’re hard to find.

[tatianamay]

Thank you, that was kind of reassuring. I really appreciate it. And yes, good guys are hard to find as much as good girls are, I just hope I find a person who’s right for me. Thanks :D

[Devlaw5]

You’re welcome

[RingOfFire]

I second what Devlaw5 said. A lot of guys like that kind of girl.

[White_Boy_506]

@tatianamay Just enjoy life while you still can. I’ve always been single too but don’t let everyone else get you down

[tatianamay]

@White_Boy_506 lol, thanks!

[Kyesa]

Lying is a big one, specifically about things that I would prefer honesty about such as losing interest, cheating, committing crimes- especially drug addictions for me personally because he has a history with the heavier stuff and I have grown up with parents with drug problems and wouldn't want to see him end up like them later in life. Especially if we ever had kids, I only want them to be able to have both parents present in their lives and have a better childhood than I did.
Even if it initially hurts either party to be honest, it saves me a lot of stress, heartbreak and trouble from if the problem has persisted without being addressed before getting worse.

[JSmuve]

My biggest fear is that she'd get comfortable because she'd have her sought after commitment and stop putting in effort. Then after enough time, she'd begin seeing someone behind my back that she thinks is "better" in some way and cheat on me until she can secure something with him and leave me in the lurch.

[Nikola321]

Well, since I get bored off stuff easily, I'm scared what if I get bored or smth like that. I really like that girl and I don't wanna hurt her because of smth stupid like that.

[Devlaw5]

Interesting…you’re concerned about what you would do to her and not what she would do to you.. that’s a refreshing side of humanity..👏🏾👏🏾

[OutWestBandit]

Leading you on.

Broken trust is easy - you break up and leave. Cheating is the same thing, you show them the door and they hopefully go away.

However there are some sadistic people out there. Someone that does some next-level mind games are the worst.
Get pregnant by someone else and lie to you.
Fuck other guys and say it never happened.
etc.

meanwhile you are so convinced they are yours - and getting unstuck from them becomes a problem.

[MissGeorgia]

Probably lie to me. Even over the littlest things... or especially over the littlest things. It casts doubt over the whole relationship forever more.
You never know if you can believe a word your partner is saying after that.

[AlphaRosie69]

Lying, not being loved, him losing interest in me. Honestly, that's something I feel like he's doing now. Although he'll deny this but lacks the effort to show that I'm wrong. Or refuses to show the effort. The first thing I say when I meet someone is "don't lie to me" because the minute you lie to me, you lose all credibility. I will doubt you and suspect things. It will ruin the relationship. It's usually the first rule they break. Sigh.

[Novacane]

Getting cheated on, not just that but me catching them cheating on me, I don't know what I would do. I am sure at the moment I would maybe just walk away and never talk to them again but the amount of pain this is going to cause is beyond me, that is now a way to kill a man's ego. That is something I would never forget or forgive because that's like degrading your significant other.

[VanillaSalt]

I greatest fear is marriage so I won’t get married. Women aren’t worth more than the good fuck I’ll give em anyways. There’sa free rate specimens that could be something special… but in the end the rate is divorce… the costs of divorce… the risks of divorce… coupled with the meaning of marriage today… I won’t even consider it.

[JustinTimberlegs]

That one day she will really get to know me and decide she doesn't like it. Like the real me isn't good enough. Or that she never really thought much of me, just didn't have a better option.

[Inexpensivefurniture]

My greatest fear is that I will end up in an abusive relationship. I'm a pretty small guy and I have a real problem standing up for myself or disagreeing with someone. It would be extremely easy for a guy to groom me as a victim

[grega239]

Being cheated on, used , abused , lied to , manipulated and then blamed for it and dropped like shit... oh wait all of that already happened

[Devlaw5]

Damn

[grega239]

Indeed

[Question_091]

A woman that rushes too quickly through the relationship (e. g. only being together in two days, and already planning marriage and kids - clingy)

Also, if she is paranoid about me leaving her. Which I may do, because she's paranoid about me leaving her.

But no matter the fears, I have to express my concerns with her and work them out. And if anything goes wrong, I'll have police on speed dial. This all hypothetical by the way.

[DaisyAimi]

To start a life with me (settling down and getting me pregnant) and to leave right after i got a child or get pregnant. I really want to raise my children with the dad.

[Jamie05rhs]

My greatest fear is that she will turn into a monster.

[Devlaw5]

What defines a monster

[Jamie05rhs]

Hateful, angry, narcissistic, no compassion

[VanillaSalt]

It’s a high possibility…

[Jamie05rhs]

@VanillaSalt Then how do you avoid that?

[VanillaSalt]

Man if there was a way divorce wouldn’t be 53%of marriages and marriage wouldn’t be at 6.1 per 1000 population… looks the best thing a man can do is hide. Build yourself and women will line up for a shot at you. They don’t respect you but what you have accomplished. You mean nothing. I wish I could post something a woman just got angry and said to me as a pic… women are hella privileged and will win if you involve marriage. I will not marry until the laws change and I will not cohabitate without a contract. That’s how you change it. You hold women accountable. Make them all pay for the actions of the fringe. Men pay overall for the rapes committed by the few and it’s not an issue so why is it so bad with women. Their going to do whatever they can to marry you but you can do everything right and they fall out of marriage. They don’t know how to take responsibility for choosing to marry. For better or worse in sickness and in health until death do us part means nothing anymore.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. I understand all of that. But how do you practically take steps to avoid trouble, assuming you haven't lost all hope completely?

[VanillaSalt]

You can’t man. You have to understand what your risking and compare it to what you stand to gain. The fact is… most women don’t want to be traditional women. They think you should accept them flawed and all including being fat because body positivity am I right? Women are just too little gain for the effort. And the risk? 53% of marriage ends in divorce. 80% are filed by women. That’s not all men that aren’t doing their part that’s cheating women too. And who does divorce target? You need to understand the odds of you having a successful marriage not ending in divorce goes up as you get older but you miss out on the good times because these women use themselves up early and settle late. You only get what she has left to offer and the later you wait the less it is.

I have lost hope. Women aren’t worth the risk and effort for what they offer me anymore.

[Jamie05rhs]

Well, shit.

[menina]

Finding out that I'm dating a racist. I guess that's the risk I take because I'm into white guys and I'm black.

[White_Boy_506]

I don’t think a racist white guy would date a black woman……

[menina]

@White_Boy_506 You're right, an openly racist wouldn't. But a covert one would.

[White_Boy_506]

Nah but why would anybody date someone they perceive as being beneath them?

[menina]

@White_Boy_506 They could have a fetish.

[White_Boy_506]

Is possible but I don’t think is all that common lol

[menina]

@White_Boy_506 I think it might be more common than you think.

[SomeGuyCalledTom]

Lying, cheating, betrayal of any kind, using my own vulnerability to undermine me or humiliate me, falling for a narcissist without realising.

You know, the usual.

[RingOfFire]

Greatest fear?

When she says "We have to talk."

Nothing strikes fear in me like that line! Turns my knees to jelly! It's never good!

[misslalindy]

To be cheated on. Just thinking about it hurts me to the core.

[Luvme66]

Same same... I was reading this thread on Infidelity... And it makes me scared...

[DaisyM23]

Cheating probably? Or them being some kind of psycho serial killer/rapist and forever being known as the person who didn’t know [] was crazy 😂

[Anonymous]

Mine is falling hard for someone and being my “nice guy” self to her. Going through all the effort, time, money and heart thinking she’s different. All while this is going on she gives me some initial positive feedback. Then one day she turns into a piece of sh*t and leaves (or worse cheats and tries to justify it) because she finds me boring.

That happened more than once in the past (I haven’t been knowingly cheated on though I was suspicious). I will never let it happen again.