Should I be paying my boyfriend for driving to see me?

[Lanadelrey26]

About every other weekend he drives 4 hours to see me for a couple days. I don't have my license. Just my permit because I recently turned 18. He knows I'm not comfortable with driving yet. He has lots of driving experience.
I told him my mom would drive me halfway to meet him this next time and he was so excited but I knew we should do something for my mom. I asked if he would chip in maybe 25 and I would give her 25 for gas and just for the fact that she did this.
He said he would do it but he wasn't very happy and he wondered why my mom got money for this trip but he never gets anything for all the times he comes down.
He's my boyfriend, I shouldn't have to pay him just for coming down to see me. I buy him gifts plenty and make food for him. I have even suggested in the past paying him gas money but he said that I didn't have to do that. When I told him to just forget about paying my mom and that I was a little upset that he said that, he didn't want to talk about it and started acting really defensive and rude. He said there is no point in talking about it because I wouldn't understand so I asked why would you even bring it up in the first place and he couldn't even give me a direct answer he just got pissy.

Yes you should pay your boyfriend

No, and he's rude to assume that

Other

[MrOracle]

First, that's a long and fairly expensive drive, especially for a young person who probably isn't making a huge income. He's sacrificing an awful lot to come and see you. Also, I'm not sure how your mom driving you halfway would help - would you stay the weekend at this mid-point? Anyway, the point of you going halfway is for YOU to cover those costs, just as he covers his. Asking him to cover his costs AND your costs is pretty rude, in my opinion.

You've asked "should I be paying my boyfriend for driving to see me?" without a lot of appreciation for the fact that he is ALREADY paying for the privilege of driving for hours to see you, while you sit comfortably at home paying nothing. You say you appreciate him, but your attitude doesn't seem to reflect that.

But all of this stuff is, in my opinion, just symptoms of the fact that you're in a LDR (long-distance relationship), and nearly all LDRs fail due to the distance. Yes, he is seeing you face-to-face on a regular basis, which helps make the distance "livable", but there's a very real cost to this that he is bearing on his own, in fuel costs, in wear-and-tear on his car (which will eventually result in a repair bill or other expense that will come MUCH sooner than if he wasn't doing all that driving), and in the hours of time he's putting in driving. You're asking an awful lot of him, and it sounds to me like all he wants is some GENUINE appreciation of his sacrifices, which your own descriptions make pretty clear he's not getting.

If the separation continues for much longer, in my opinion, this relationship is probably doomed. It's going to continue to create tension between you, and one of you is going to say something unkind and it's going to blow up and crater the relationship. It happens all the time, and in fact, it's the norm, by a considerable margin, for LDRs.

Thus, I tell people again and again, ONLY DATE LOCALLY and only people you've met IN PERSON. Delete your dating apps and go outside and meet people in person who live in the same town you do, who can see you 3-4 days a week without significant hassle. Anything less and you're always going to have tension and difficulties that will usually bring the relationship to an end. Everyone wants to believe that they're the exception to this rule, but they almost never are.

[Lanadelrey26]

Well first of all, he's a doctor and he's not Young. He has all the money in the world to drive 4 hours every other weekend. Second of all, he didn't suggest my mother meet him halfway, I suggested it because he hates driving. He has said many times that he would rather do anything but the drive, so paying $25 doesn't seem like that big of an issue. I appreciate him coming this way very much which is why I have offered to pay gas money in the past but he refused, so that leaves me feeling confused now.

[MrOracle]

Again, it's much less about the money and much more about the lack of appreciation for his sacrifice. If you're going to put your portion of the burden on your mother, YOU should be the one paying her if she needs to be paid. That shows that you APPRECIATE him and understand his sacrifice -which it seems clear that you don't. To ask him to pay her is exactly the rude thing you are accusing him of being in your original question.

Whether or not he can afford it is irrelevant. What's relevant is that you need to be responsible for your own expenses. If you can't afford to pay your mother to drive you half way, then don't offer (and thus, don't volunteer her). Volunteering someone else to do your share is also rude, by the way.

He's not complaining about the gas money, and he's not expecting you to pay that, but you can't seem to grasp that he's making a very big sacrifice - his TIME doing all that driving - to spend time with you. You don't seem to really, truly appreciate that, so you aren't showing him that you do. That's all he really wants: to be appreciated. And if you can't do that, then he's going to see red flags waving, and he'll be reconsidering his relationship with you, because maybe the single most important thing that men want from a woman they're in a romantic relationship with is genuine appreciation for the things that he does for you.

[Lanadelrey26]

And I guess this is where the problem lies. I appreciate him very much and if just by this one act he thinks I don't appreciate him, he's rude. I have done so much for him over the months that we've been together. I made him all his meals when he had his mouth surgery, and we don't even live together. I offered to split the bills when we go out to eat, I offered to pay the gas money which he refuses, I buy him gifts, I make him gifts, I do a lot. So if he thinks because I asked him to chip in $25 that all of a sudden don't appreciate him, he's got some other issues going on and I really don't think it has to do with me.
One other thing, I'm not rude for volunteering my mom. Whether or not he chipped in that money I was going to pay her and I asked her if she was okay with it. So asking my own mother to drive me 2 hours is not rude when I would compensate her

[MrOracle]

You aren't hearing me (or your boyfriend). It's NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. It's about your lack of gratitude. I appreciate that you make him food - that matters to him. But I would guess that the gifts don't matter to him nearly as much as you looking him in the eyes, and saying "I really appreciate the fact that you spend hours driving to see me all the time. I know it's hard on you, and that makes our time together really special, and I want you to know it means something to me." That, and a hug, would mean more to him than $1000, and would make the time and gas money seem like no big deal. That's all he wants. It would take 30 seconds of your time, and a tiny bit of effort, and would mean more to him than anything you could buy him. IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. It's about your attitude, which is, frankly, pretty selfish and self-centered.

I'm not trying to drag you here - I'm trying to get you to understand the reality of the situation, so that you can make changes and hopefully save your relationship, and so that you UNDERSTAND. Men need so little, but what we need from women, we REALLY, REALLY need, and it can't really be substituted.

[Lanadelrey26]

But why do you assume I don't tell him that verbally? I tell him countless times that I appreciate him driving here and that as much as I want to see him every weekend it doesn't have to be every weekend because he's the one doing all the driving. I hug him and hold his hand almost the whole time he's here visiting me, he has no room to even doubt that I don't appreciate him being here and all the driving he does.

[Kkaos]

I don't think he ever wanted you to pay him, but he was just annoyed that you asked him to pay 25 if your mom takes you. As he would have seen that as something between you and her, not him.

Tbf unless he was complaining about having to drive so far, there was no need to consider getting your mom to take you half way. Every second week isn't too often so it's not a big deal going for a longer drive, would think he'd enjoy it. If he's too busy to drive one week, then he could just cancel and you guys could just call each other or something.

[Lanadelrey26]

He complains about the drive every time, that's why I was going to get my mom to take me halfway. He always says he wouldn't mind paying
money he would just do anything but the drive.

[Kkaos]

If driving is the only way he can see you and he complains about it, then it seems like he's gotten complacent and is taking you for granted. Love shouldn't feel like a chore. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you or is not serious about you, but he's simply gotten lazy. It happens in many relationships. I bet he was damn excited the first time he drove to see you.

[Jake99999]

Just admit that its too far for the relationship to sustain. You are an 18 year old who has hooked up with an older rich doctor. Its fun for him and you feel special that you are with a doctor. I don't think its going to last. Relationships are hard enough without having to see each other only every 2 weeks and its a crazy amount of driving that he is already complaining about. The amount of driving is over the top. It is going to get old, its going to be something that ends the relationship. Just face facts.

[Dinklex3]

I mean... You don't pay for his transportation when he drives a whole 4 hours to see you. He pays for it himself. Yet you are basically asking him to pay FOR YOU to meet him halfway because you can't/ won't drive. You're asking him to pay for your transportation when all this time he has paid for his own.
Why should he have to pay your mother a thank you gift for driving you? That's YOUR transportation that YOU arranged.
Your asking him to pay for the 2 hours of gas money he spends a day and to give your mom money. You do understand that, right?

[Lanadelrey26]

I literally have offered multiple times to pay his gas money for driving to see me. He refuses and says it's not the money that bothers him, it's the drive. That's why I'm working on getting my license and asked my mother if she would meet half way, which he was very excited about. I figured he would rather pay 25 bucks than drive four hours.

[Dinklex3]

Okay. But he already communicated that he DOES have an issue with paying your mother.
& It sounds like a valid concern to me.

[menina]

No you shouldn't pay him. If he likes you, he can pay gas to see you. I'm surprised to see he's offended.

[hahahmm]

It's easier to just dump him and get a local boyfriend than it is to explain to him that your mom has proven she has your back 1,000 times... has spent tons of money on you your entire life and driven you countless miles for free so if she asks for $1 you can't say no. Somebody too thick to think of that on his own probably has some kind of mental retardation.

If you keep dating this guy he's going to get pissy about gas money all the time from now on. Why is it that he's more worried about that than seeing you? He's too broke to be dating you or not as interested in you as he used to be.

[hahahmm]

Next he will be asking you to pay his cell phone bill and to pay for the cost of the sandwich he ate on the trip to meet you.

[Citizenkirk]

What the... Is he an Uber driver or something? If you pay him to do this, he's your chauffeur or gigolo, or easy Rider if he stays the night (Easy Rider means live in boy toy) and he better earn that if you do pay him cash🤑💔💸.
Frankly, I can think 🤔 of a couple million better investment options for guaranteed, worthwhile returns (boyfriend you have now fits "NIETHER" set of criteria) right off the top of my head.
Your Uber Gigalo fits the criteria of JUNK BONDS
💩💱=💸 The exchange rate isn't in favor of you making any profit on that return 💋💩=🤮

[Anonymous]

You are framing this in a deliberately provocative and unhealthy way.

Fuel isn't free and time has value, the food in his belly etc while he is with you also has value.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me that you each contribute towards the costs associated with the logistics of the time you spend together.

Who is exactly contributes what is for you to decide between you, you may have very different levels of free time and or money etc which could mean that what is 'fair' is not strictly speaking equal.

But lets clear at least one thing up here:

You are not being asked to pay to see your boyfriend, that is toxic af.

[madgoat]

You should be sharing the cost to see one another, and it's unfair that he had to cover his own costs and then pay in part for your mother. I'm surprised you cannot see that.
And driving 4 hours is also a significant investment. He must be exhausted. And committed.

[Lanadelrey26]

It's not really unfair, he chose to date an 18-year-old. He's a doctor and he's not young, he knows my financial situation. I don't make him buy my things, he hates driving and has said many times that he would rather pay money than drive. So $25 just this once didn't seem like a big deal

[madgoat]

Oh I see, it's not a balanced relationship. Well, fair enough

[Tunasub]

No... just let him know that you appreciate that he makes the effort to come see you even though sometimes you can be a Fifi 😁.

When you can do something really nice for him, do it and not because he's driving to see you but because you want to treat him to something very special and it will make the drive for him that much more rewarding.

It doesn't have to be right away... but do be sure to let him know how much you appreciate that he does what he does to see you. 👍🏾

[Lanadelrey26]

You're taking this the complete wrong way. I let him know all the time and I appreciate ate it, I offered to pay gas money and buy him things, I make him food, and above all I make sure he knows I love him very much. He's making me feel very unloved right now

[Lanadelrey26]

That I appreciate it**

[Tunasub]

No you are taking it the wrong way I was just stating that you should be doing it often, just as you are. Not that I knew that. Geez. not that you don't. Because it does go along way.

I wasn't saying that you don't do this so I'll tell you what to do...

Cool your damn Fifi jets. WTF. Ready to rumble and I'm just talking...

[Tunasub]

I don't know what's going on with you to do I'm talking what I know. What I would like...

[Tunasub]

I by no means was saying that you didn't do those things...

[Lanadelrey26]

I'm not trying to say that you were, me and him had a huge argument about a lot more than that. I'm under a lot of emotional stress right now and I think I'm having an anxiety attack. I'm not in my best state of mind I'm trying not to do what I normally do when I get stressed

[Tunasub]

Oh ok well I'm sorry. The last thing I want to do is add to that stress and I don't want you to do that either.

[Tunasub]

I have an ear to bend if you need it.

[TonyV]

8 hours of driving everytime he comes to see you is a lot of gas money, you should give him some gas money.

[Lanadelrey26]

Do you people not read? I literally said I have offered to pay his gas money countless time and he refuses. It's not the money that bothers him it's the drive, that's why I was going to get my mother to take me halfway but give her a little bit of money because she's my f****** mother and she doesn't have the money for gas.

[Jake99999]

Well your question in bold says: "should I be paying for my boyfriend to come see me" maybe it leads people to answer that question? TonyV answered that question. Is that not your question? Maybe you should think about posing your question a bit better? So based on what you just wrote here... then what is your question?

[TonyV]

I read your question, he may have changed his mind, also you asked him to pay your mom? Not cool, that may have upset him cause he's already paying half to go half way then he's also paying you and your mom half of your expense, so he's paying for 3/4 the gas still which isn't much of a change.

I can yell you tried to make it easier on him but this just sounds like a headache.

Like really all the times he came all the way on his dime and the one time you try to come half way you want him to pay you? Its sounds frustrating and I'm not surprised he's upset.

And you not willing to spend the 50 bucks sounds like you dont really want to see him, well 25, like your gonna put the meetup in jeopardy over 25 bucks? Probably aly makes him feel like he's worth less than 25 bucks too you.

[TonyV]

Also insisting that your mom gets spayed, by him no less may have made him less charitable, he may want gas money now.

Just ask him why he's upset, if y'all can't communicate it isn't going to last long.

[Uptowngirl88]

@lanadelrey26 can you read? You asked us of you should be paying your boyfriend for driving to see you. He answered your question 🎈 head. You shouldn't even be doing you don't have your life together. Your moms not your slave and this guy is not your personal uber. Get a freaking job, a car, and a licensed.

[Jake99999]

I agree with you Uptown girl. But I also am starting to feel a little sorry for her. She is a young kid, trying to make something impossible work. She does not have a lot of life experience. She just turned 18. She feels like she has something good here and is trying to make it work. But I don’t think it’s going to work. This doctor guy likely has a lot of options and is in a different place in his life. He is going to get tired of the hassle. Get someone a lot closer.

Anyway…to the poster, sorry it’s hard for you. Maybe you should focus on getting your life more in order and just give up on this, you have a whole life ahead of you. I don’t think this is going to work out and it’s going to mess with your head. At some point this doctor is going to give you bad news because it’s just way too far to do a relationship.

[Uptowngirl88]

@jake99999 she's very self absorbed and thinks the world should cater to her. She needs to learn some responsibility. I dont think she should be dating at all until she has her life together. I was driving and had a job at 16. I dont think they're going to work either. She's too much of a burden a liability. She's not worth the drive in my opinion

[Jake99999]

That’s a long distance to travel regularly to make something work. It better be one hell of an amazing relationship for you to deal with that.

[Uptowngirl88]

You need to pay, grow up, get your license which you should've been had , get a job and buy a car. No one's your freaking slave. I don't get why you're so lazy. I was driving at 16.

[Relux47]

Do you think you should pay him for driving to see you? Do you feel like it’s mandatory and you really have to pay him? Do you think you should pay him even though he doesn’t want you to pay him?

[Browneye57]

Wow... a match made in heaven. Dear lord...
You must be some piece of ass honey.

[Nik1hil]

Pay him.. With nice food and a sloppy blowjob.. 🍲😂

[najekim]

Boo hoo. I had to drive 8 hours to see my wife when we were dating. Never asked her for a dime.

[Wise4myage]

Yes, offer to pay for gas.

[Lanadelrey26]

I have offered. He refuses, it's not the money that bothers him it's the f****** drive. That's why I'm so f****** confused

[Wise4myage]

I see, well, what can you do to make things more worthwhile and memorable when he comes over?

[IncognitoBandito]

Depends, how close are you two