You are a flawless woman, and I don't think you deserve to be treated badly at all... But sometimes it takes a bunch of selflove in order to find the correct guy... this means not sacrificing yourself for him, because it's not fair... it takes two to tango, you can't just do everything while he just does nothing because mostly that is the case.
There is something called the pareto principle in sexual attraction and mating. That, 90 % of women are attracted to the same top 10 % of men who have the most genetic (looks), and socio-economical status. Those men have all the leverage and choice. It's a simple question of supply and demand, the more options he has, the more you are replaceable.
Yes thats it. And then they cry about being hurt because they were told THEY were the choosers. Nope. They are the choosers when it comes to the bottom 80%.
The other part of that is as a man gets older he naturally rises in socio-economic status in most cases. He could've started out dirt poor but he's doing well later in life. He's also more experienced and confident. He has a better idea of what he wants and what's not worth his time. His choices increase with age while hers decrease.
There's probably some truth in this. What I don't understand though, is why those bottom 80% don't make more effort? Many of them could become desirable if they actually bothered.
@NicoletteXO - The top 10 % is relativistic, regardless of how much effort men make or dont make, there always will be a top 10 %. Regarding the biological clock for men, it's not as pronounced as women, sperm motility is different from menapause.
Yes, but men still do have a biological clock. It will take a 45 year old man five times longer to get a women pregnant, than a 25 year old with the same woman.
@NicoletteXO - I dont know where you got the figure of five times, but if you mean ejaculations than that can be done in five days or less. Whereas a woman biologically cannot get pregnant after menapause.
And ejaculation doesn't equate to fertility. I'm surprised since you seem to firm in your perspectives here that you seem completely unaware of the rapidly decreasing fertility of men with age. Ie. Men have a biological clock, deal with it.
@NicoletteXO You keep side stepping his point. It's over. Women aren't fertile for as long as men are. Period. You're trying to split hairs that don't even matter.
@NicoletteXO Ok. The guy in the 50th percentile makes a little effort to make it into the 80th percentile. Now the other guy is less desired. That's how hypergamy works.
@NicoletteXO Womens standard is relativistic. If they lived in a culture where 90% of the men were kinder, richer, and more handsome than the rest of the world, the women would still have their standard set to be the top 10-20% of men. By the way, I just described much of Europe and the USA.
@NicoletteXO Men's biological clock ticks slower. you want to beat men down in their youth when no one cares about them and all the attention goes to you, then say by the time they're 35 like you that they have to settle for you since they're near being infertile too. ... they just have to build themselves up and put in effort to get you, what they dont want... Men in the future will just ignore yur shaming and go for younger women
The same can be the opposite. My ex started to demand that everything be under her control. Bills, bank accounts, all monies and all property. She had to even control me being able to drive my own cars. Her children had to have complete control of both my vehicles. I was not allowed to drive except on the weekends, not to have any money. She cheated, and divorced me, refused me the things that I had years before I even met her. She and her family tried to lie to court that I was abusive, but the judge did not find her to be honest and truthful.. She could not lie God enough. So it is not all about men being bad, it goes both ways.
Men hurt women, women hurt men, that's just how it is, you can't easily just trust anyone, no matter who they are. Love is not easy if it was easy then everyone would be in love right now. I won't say "stop trusting" because life is about people the more you realize it, and if you go into every relationship thinking the worst outcome that's what you are gonna get. Just be more careful with who you let in and make sure they are worth it.
Usually indicates someone with past relationship issues and YOU wind up 'paying' for their past partner's abusive behavior since the gone partner no longer there to put up with their 'payback'.
Place self limits on 'how long' you're willing to try rehabilitating them. There IS a difference between 'rehabilitation' and complicit 'enabling'. NOT your turn, to "eat shit"~
People are selfish. If you have to sacrifice anything for someone else to be happy then you basically cut your foot off for no reason. You do the necessary work for the relationship but you are NOT supposed to change who you are for someone else to be happy. They may ask you to do questionable things
I think its men realizing the girls games and taking the role of game master away from the ladies. Its no longer the girlfriend's role to decide what happens its the guys as they realize now that ladies don't really like to lead so men are more and more taking the lead. And unfortunately that also means being the one to choose when to just leave.
Well it does work both ways, I admit probably more so from men than women, but women can hurt men too. I don't know why they do it though. I certainly think that generally you can still trust people, but I also understand that after being hurt you are very guarded with your feelings.
I think it's the same for women that hurt men. People aren't perfect and make mistakes. And I believe most that have hurt, did it by making wrong choices. I think it's only a few who hurt people intentionally. If you really think about it, everyone has unintentionally hurt someone.
The few who intentionally hurt people do it because they lack the ability to trust. Therefore they will hurt you before you have a chance to hurt them. They aren't emotionally healthy.
Just depends on the man. Unfortunately for every good one out there that will treat you right, there are just as many that will hurt you. It's unfortunate because all men should treat a woman right, but at the end of the day a man will treat a woman with love and respect, and a boy will treat her like garbage.
It's unfortunately the generations of men coming up. Many don't have well placed parental figures that teach young boys how to be men, so they turn into scumbags that don't know how to treat a lady right.
Hopefully you can find a man you can trust and who will treat you right, if you decide to continue searching. I'm sorry you've been hurt many times, it's unfortunate and shouldn't happen.
Men and women will always have issues. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look for the man/ woman that right for you. Just cause you been hurt a lot doesn’t mean you should give up. Their are people out their and they are different. As for why players love hurting people is either because their sadist, stupid or and they have a void that needs filled
I have learned that you can’t treat every situation the same as the pasted. But it helps because you’re more wiser to situations. Sometimes were blindsided because we wanted to work so bad and ignore some of those red flags but you just have to be careful
I'm confused with what the photo has to do with the question? The answer is that "some" men are never content and always think they can find something better, so they are constantly hunting, if not overtly than covertly. Some men are just so narcissistic they don't give a shit about anything or anyone else, even when they pretend to.
Appreciate this response, your not targeting her or going outside the question by placing personal projection. Your actually giving a response that gives detail. Just wanted to give my acknowledgments. ❤️
I don't really know, my guess would be it's hard to spot it in a women, but i think there are always some signs. While for men, it's the default mode i think to find someone new (if we believe what biology says), even if the current partner is "perfect" for them.
In general it's probably party because some people don't want to be alone at all and so they hastily go into a relationship with almost anyone they find acceptable. And then they might feel like they are not the one for them, or they find out too many bad things about them which they can't live with. Or they were just not in it for the long term at all, but one side didn't know this..
@ElvenMr I think you're spot on that a lot of men, or women, just don't want to be alone so something is better than nothing. Then when that "something" wears thin, it's time for a new one.
Not all men can be trusted, it's up to women to spot the red flags of bad men before they give their trust to anyone. Goes both ways, not all women are worthy of a man's trust either. Good people are out there.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
You have all the power to choose what men you associate with. Where is your discernment? Do you have bad judgment of character in the men you hang around with? What can YOU do to make your situation better? You can’t control what men do. Bad men will be bad men. Know when you have a good one you can trust.
In game theory the dodgiest players who don't trust you. Because if you don't trust them you'll treat them as they were already untrustworthy so what's the point of doing the extra miles of being reliable if you're treated untrustworthy anyways. People don't really understand what their trust issues can attract.
The problem would be the men to whom you are attracted. If there were women of the type who you described, I did not meet them. I was one of many men who went out with an honest heart, which was broken by women who rejected us in favour of players, fuckboys and scumbags. Most young men set out looking for one special girl. Female behaviour kicks that naive idea out of them. My first two relationships left me psychologically incapable of feeling love for a woman.
@NicoletteXO She broke my heart 42 years ago. The pain was so great that it changed me. The next woman also tore my heart out, just as I was beginning to open to her. Since that time, to the best of my knowledge, I have been incapable of loving a woman. Other experiences with females have not provided me with an incentive to try. Women complain about men being cold and emotionally unavailable. Few think to ask how a man became that way.
I'm sorry to hear this. It is also the human experience. Almost all of us will have our hearts crushed cruelly at one point or another. I hope you have the courage to heal, in whatever shape that takes for you :)
If this is a consistent problem, the problem may be in the mirror. Meaning if the common denominator of all your relationships ending the same way, is you then maybe you need to be fixed and not men. And this may be due to choice. Being young and perky, are you choosing men who are good for a roll in the hay, but not good for the long term, but your special and you can tame them? Try the men you find boring and see if you don't get better results.
Why would a woman spend her life with a man she finds boring? She'd be better off single. Otherwise she would be miserable in the relationship, and eventually he would too.
@NicoletteXO It's not that men are boring. It's that the definition of what 'boring' has become. No drama, no excitement, stability, peace... You know the relationships women in their 40's who are still alone lament they had kept, before they became spinsters.
You literally advised women to "try the men you find boring". If she finds him boring it's not going to work, no matter what you think she "should" like. And she would be better off being single, in that case. The man also deserves to be with someone who actually enjoys his company.
I think ideally a relationship should have elements of both excitement and stability, passion and peace. These are the hallmarks of a healthy life in general. If a man is genuinely boring, it's because he is not growing in his life, and has no drive or purpose. That's not a good partner to have.
I don't think any woman in her 40s who was true to herself throughout her life regrets anything. If the relationships she left when she was younger were so wonderful, she wouldn't have left them.
What Girls & Guys Said
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136Opinion
You are a flawless woman, and I don't think you deserve to be treated badly at all... But sometimes it takes a bunch of selflove in order to find the correct guy... this means not sacrificing yourself for him, because it's not fair... it takes two to tango, you can't just do everything while he just does nothing because mostly that is the case.
Oh thanks honey have really learnt a lot from this guys so I think am wise now lol
I'm glad you learned, be carefoul and never underestimate anything... But choose yourself first ALWAYS
There is something called the pareto principle in sexual attraction and mating. That, 90 % of women are attracted to the same top 10 % of men who have the most genetic (looks), and socio-economical status. Those men have all the leverage and choice. It's a simple question of supply and demand, the more options he has, the more you are replaceable.
Yes thats it. And then they cry about being hurt because they were told THEY were the choosers. Nope. They are the choosers when it comes to the bottom 80%.
The other part of that is as a man gets older he naturally rises in socio-economic status in most cases. He could've started out dirt poor but he's doing well later in life. He's also more experienced and confident. He has a better idea of what he wants and what's not worth his time. His choices increase with age while hers decrease.
@hahahmm - Yes that's right, which is why men dont have a biological clock, men can produce sperm literally until few hours after they die.
There's probably some truth in this. What I don't understand though, is why those bottom 80% don't make more effort? Many of them could become desirable if they actually bothered.
Actually men do have a biological clock. Sperm count decreases enormously with age.
@NicoletteXO - The top 10 % is relativistic, regardless of how much effort men make or dont make, there always will be a top 10 %. Regarding the biological clock for men, it's not as pronounced as women, sperm motility is different from menapause.
Yes, but men still do have a biological clock. It will take a 45 year old man five times longer to get a women pregnant, than a 25 year old with the same woman.
@NicoletteXO - I dont know where you got the figure of five times, but if you mean ejaculations than that can be done in five days or less. Whereas a woman biologically cannot get pregnant after menapause.
www.activespectrum.com/mens-biological-clock/
And ejaculation doesn't equate to fertility. I'm surprised since you seem to firm in your perspectives here that you seem completely unaware of the rapidly decreasing fertility of men with age. Ie. Men have a biological clock, deal with it.
@NicoletteXO You keep side stepping his point. It's over. Women aren't fertile for as long as men are. Period. You're trying to split hairs that don't even matter.
@NicoletteXO Ok. The guy in the 50th percentile makes a little effort to make it into the 80th percentile. Now the other guy is less desired. That's how hypergamy works.
@NicoletteXO Womens standard is relativistic. If they lived in a culture where 90% of the men were kinder, richer, and more handsome than the rest of the world, the women would still have their standard set to be the top 10-20% of men. By the way, I just described much of Europe and the USA.
@NicoletteXO Men's biological clock ticks slower. you want to beat men down in their youth when no one cares about them and all the attention goes to you, then say by the time they're 35 like you that they have to settle for you since they're near being infertile too. ... they just have to build themselves up and put in effort to get you, what they dont want... Men in the future will just ignore yur shaming and go for younger women
The same can be the opposite. My ex started to demand that everything be under her control. Bills, bank accounts, all monies and all property. She had to even control me being able to drive my own cars. Her children had to have complete control of both my vehicles. I was not allowed to drive except on the weekends, not to have any money. She cheated, and divorced me, refused me the things that I had years before I even met her. She and her family tried to lie to court that I was abusive, but the judge did not find her to be honest and truthful.. She could not lie God enough. So it is not all about men being bad, it goes both ways.
Men hurt women, women hurt men, that's just how it is, you can't easily just trust anyone, no matter who they are. Love is not easy if it was easy then everyone would be in love right now. I won't say "stop trusting" because life is about people the more you realize it, and if you go into every relationship thinking the worst outcome that's what you are gonna get. Just be more careful with who you let in and make sure they are worth it.
Usually indicates someone with past relationship issues and YOU wind up 'paying' for their past partner's abusive behavior since the gone partner no longer there to put up with their 'payback'.
Place self limits on 'how long' you're willing to try rehabilitating them.
There IS a difference between 'rehabilitation' and complicit 'enabling'.
NOT your turn, to "eat shit"~
People are selfish. If you have to sacrifice anything for someone else to be happy then you basically cut your foot off for no reason. You do the necessary work for the relationship but you are NOT supposed to change who you are for someone else to be happy. They may ask you to do questionable things
Can we ladies still trust men?
Still? when could you do so in the past? factually trusting men in the past was much worse than today.
Question should be can we finally trust men. And welp not really but there will be some who are somewhere.
I think its men realizing the girls games and taking the role of game master away from the ladies. Its no longer the girlfriend's role to decide what happens its the guys as they realize now that ladies don't really like to lead so men are more and more taking the lead. And unfortunately that also means being the one to choose when to just leave.
Well it does work both ways, I admit probably more so from men than women, but women can hurt men too. I don't know why they do it though. I certainly think that generally you can still trust people, but I also understand that after being hurt you are very guarded with your feelings.
I think it's the same for women that hurt men. People aren't perfect and make mistakes. And I believe most that have hurt, did it by making wrong choices. I think it's only a few who hurt people intentionally. If you really think about it, everyone has unintentionally hurt someone.
The few who intentionally hurt people do it because they lack the ability to trust. Therefore they will hurt you before you have a chance to hurt them. They aren't emotionally healthy.
Just depends on the man. Unfortunately for every good one out there that will treat you right, there are just as many that will hurt you. It's unfortunate because all men should treat a woman right, but at the end of the day a man will treat a woman with love and respect, and a boy will treat her like garbage.
88% of men do hurt we ladies and it gat me so crazy when it coming to the man you love so much
It's unfortunately the generations of men coming up. Many don't have well placed parental figures that teach young boys how to be men, so they turn into scumbags that don't know how to treat a lady right.
Maybe I guess and it makes it hard to get a real man out there
They are out there, they're just becoming increasingly rare it seems.
Yeah
Hopefully you can find a man you can trust and who will treat you right, if you decide to continue searching. I'm sorry you've been hurt many times, it's unfortunate and shouldn't happen.
Oh thanks you sound so cool
You're welcome, I simply try to live an honest life and treat others how I want too. I only wish more did the same
😘😘
😁😉
I think ladies should know the quality of the man before going any further in the relationship, same for men regarding woman.
- How does he treat family, friends, others.
- Does he keep his word
- Does he have good work ethic
- Does he have self control
Men and women will always have issues. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look for the man/ woman that right for you. Just cause you been hurt a lot doesn’t mean you should give up. Their are people out their and they are different. As for why players love hurting people is either because their sadist, stupid or and they have a void that needs filled
Well said
I have learned that you can’t treat every situation the same as the pasted. But it helps because you’re more wiser to situations. Sometimes were blindsided because we wanted to work so bad and ignore some of those red flags but you just have to be careful
I'm confused with what the photo has to do with the question?
The answer is that "some" men are never content and always think they can find something better, so they are constantly hunting, if not overtly than covertly. Some men are just so narcissistic they don't give a shit about anything or anyone else, even when they pretend to.
Same with some women.
@ElvenMr True enough. Personally, I think it's easier to spot in a woman. What do you think?
Appreciate this response, your not targeting her or going outside the question by placing personal projection. Your actually giving a response that gives detail. Just wanted to give my acknowledgments. ❤️
I don't really know, my guess would be it's hard to spot it in a women, but i think there are always some signs.
While for men, it's the default mode i think to find someone new (if we believe what biology says), even if the current partner is "perfect" for them.
In general it's probably party because some people don't want to be alone at all and so they hastily go into a relationship with almost anyone they find acceptable.
And then they might feel like they are not the one for them, or they find out too many bad things about them which they can't live with.
Or they were just not in it for the long term at all, but one side didn't know this..
@JustAnj Thank you
@ElvenMr I think you're spot on that a lot of men, or women, just don't want to be alone so something is better than nothing. Then when that "something" wears thin, it's time for a new one.
Not all men can be trusted, it's up to women to spot the red flags of bad men before they give their trust to anyone. Goes both ways, not all women are worthy of a man's trust either. Good people are out there.
You have all the power to choose what men you associate with. Where is your discernment? Do you have bad judgment of character in the men you hang around with? What can YOU do to make your situation better? You can’t control what men do. Bad men will be bad men. Know when you have a good one you can trust.
In game theory the dodgiest players who don't trust you. Because if you don't trust them you'll treat them as they were already untrustworthy so what's the point of doing the extra miles of being reliable if you're treated untrustworthy anyways. People don't really understand what their trust issues can attract.
The problem would be the men to whom you are attracted.
If there were women of the type who you described, I did not meet them.
I was one of many men who went out with an honest heart, which was broken by women who rejected us in favour of players, fuckboys and scumbags.
Most young men set out looking for one special girl.
Female behaviour kicks that naive idea out of them.
My first two relationships left me psychologically incapable of feeling love for a woman.
That's extreme!
@NicoletteXO
Which part was extreme to you?
That you feel you are now psychologically incapable of feeling love for a woman.
@NicoletteXO
She broke my heart 42 years ago. The pain was so great that it changed me.
The next woman also tore my heart out, just as I was beginning to open to her.
Since that time, to the best of my knowledge, I have been incapable of loving a woman.
Other experiences with females have not provided me with an incentive to try.
Women complain about men being cold and emotionally unavailable. Few think to ask how a man became that way.
I'm sorry to hear this. It is also the human experience. Almost all of us will have our hearts crushed cruelly at one point or another. I hope you have the courage to heal, in whatever shape that takes for you :)
If this is a consistent problem, the problem may be in the mirror. Meaning if the common denominator of all your relationships ending the same way, is you then maybe you need to be fixed and not men.
And this may be due to choice. Being young and perky, are you choosing men who are good for a roll in the hay, but not good for the long term, but your special and you can tame them? Try the men you find boring and see if you don't get better results.
Why would a woman spend her life with a man she finds boring? She'd be better off single. Otherwise she would be miserable in the relationship, and eventually he would too.
@NicoletteXO It's not that men are boring. It's that the definition of what 'boring' has become. No drama, no excitement, stability, peace... You know the relationships women in their 40's who are still alone lament they had kept, before they became spinsters.
You literally advised women to "try the men you find boring". If she finds him boring it's not going to work, no matter what you think she "should" like. And she would be better off being single, in that case. The man also deserves to be with someone who actually enjoys his company.
I think ideally a relationship should have elements of both excitement and stability, passion and peace. These are the hallmarks of a healthy life in general. If a man is genuinely boring, it's because he is not growing in his life, and has no drive or purpose. That's not a good partner to have.
I don't think any woman in her 40s who was true to herself throughout her life regrets anything. If the relationships she left when she was younger were so wonderful, she wouldn't have left them.
@NicoletteXO You're right.