Absolutely not. The past is the best predictor of the future. Too many people turn on a blind eye to the red flags of the past, only to be flabbergasted when these same red flags reoccur in their relationship. Because they have been fed the misinformation that "It's none of their business". And I honestly do not feel bad for them since they allowed someone else to manipulate their own healthy thinking.
It is my business to know whom I am committing my time, love and resources to. Just as I try to find out what the history is of a car and who has been driving it before I choose to buy it. And neither will anyone be in their right mind to buy a car full price with a high milage on it (and no, this isn't me objectifying people, it's merely an ANALOGY).
In the end, no self-respecting person wants to get with a partner who had a ratched past. I made the following Take that goes into detail about why the past matters. Why The Number of Sexual Partners Matters
That depends on the couple. Personally I always wanted to know every single juicy raunchy detail of anything a girlfriend ever did in her life. But... she's got to know I won't judge her. When she realized that I enjoyed hearing all of her adventures sometimes she'd be proud of all the crazy stuff she did... and I loved it. I know that doesn't work for everyone. It's worked for me and especially with my wife. We love all the details. The raunchier the better.
It depends on the person you're with. There are certain types of people (let's be real, more often traditional men) that will turn an honest truth/statistic about your sexual past into a 'reason' to treat or view you a lesser.
I personally have many diagreeable opinions about that, but the fact is that those people don't magically change overnight. They don't want to, and that's okay. Let them preach as much as they want as long as they also live their truth for themselves.
I can also say, there are plenty of people out there (men and women) who view your sexual past as gainful experience. If you're not into the holding out until marriage camp, getting some typically indicates some status or desirability, willingness to try new things, and demonstration of enjoying what modern life has to offer (not over analyzing every little thing).
It depends who you are telling? And what the secret is? Like if you were raped, it should be no secret from the police. If you had an abortion no one but god needs to know that. If you have genital herpes all your sexual partners need to know and it needs to be documented that they know or you can be sued and even end up in jail. If it’s just stupid stuff like his friends think I’m a bitch no one needs to know.
Not necessarily. Although I don't care about my wife's past relationships and she isn't interested in mine. Why reminisce about past partners? We both obviously know that we had lives before we got married. There's no reason for a person to spill their guts as if they are making confessions or something. That would be kind of sick if you ask me.
I had quite a few relationships and not once did my partners or I ask about each other's previous relationships. I knew that they had had previous boyfriends. Two of my girlfriends later in life had been divorced. I never gave one fuck about body counts.
There's no need to be secretive about having been in previous relationships. Once you get to know and trust someone, and especially when you are married, it's natural to share anecdotes about parts of your life. But I can't imagine anyone wanting to know details about deep infatuation or sexual intimacy.
My wife knows I had my first girlfriend when I was 16 and that I had quite a few others in my life. I've told her lots of stories about things I've done like partying, camping, backpacking and vacationing with girlfriends. But the stories were about interesting experiences, not about the girlfriends. The girlfriends just happened to be there.
My wife has told me similar stories, too.
So there is no need to be secretive and pretend that you've never been with anyone else. At the same time I would never go into detail about past girlfriends with my partner. I know that I don't care to hear details about her past boyfriends. The past is in the past. We all have our own memories.
No they should not, my past is what made me the person I am today. To hide that from a potential spouse is just asking for trouble in the future after we are married. Plus it is who I am, she can either accept that or we aren't a good match.
If we are right for each other we need to be 100% honest with our past.
What will hurt more? Finding out about it before we get married and potentially not getting married, or finding out about it years down the road and then ending in divorce, if it comes out?
I know someone who slept around a lot, like 75+ partners and never told her husband, in fact it wasn't until one of her ex sexual partners tracked her down and wanted to hook up again that he found out. That was the end of their marriage, had she told him upfront, maybe he would have accepted and it would not have been a surprise later.
Taking a chance that it will never be found out, just means what else is being hidden to.
It is all about trust, you don't have to go into details and specifics though, be general and move on.
If he/she has issues with the past, its best to move onto someone else.
Me personally I'm not gonna force anybody to share something they dont feel comfortable with sharing and here's why. People change in life and understandably it will be hard to share some secrets especially the heavy ones like "I cheated on my ex" or "I have naked pictures of myself online." It wouldn't be nice to try and get someone to admit their past mistakes but honestly me personally I like having an open conversation so if someone's not going to be open with me for whatever reason then I'm not going to force them to open up to me it would be a good idea to look elsewhere for people who are open
No I mean if you r to date another person then I think u should let your partner know about it. If they r not interested then fine but if not then I think it is better to be transparent. 1) It will make u feel better once u say them and they might understand what is going on if there will be any hiccups in your relationship 2) There won't be any misunderstandings related to that topic if the situation arises. 3) U won't feel like your hiding anything or feel insecure (sometimes), that is u ever feel so..
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
You're not going to like hearing this and probably most women won't either but I'll just be honest with you and th rest of the ladies here. Your past does matter to most men weather you like it or not. Men get really upset if they are with a girl who had had a lot of sex partners. I know a ton of women start saying this is out of insecurity or jealousy, I can assure you it is not. It's all about perspective but to men it's like they got sucked in and clowned by a woman who has done all kinds of things with more sex partners than they can ever come close to. Most men want women with low body counts. It's just a he way it is. I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't bother me either. I've ended relationships over it as have many men. Basically it's sort of like marrying a prostitute. It just feels cheap and dirty. Especially when the reality bis most guys don't have a number above the single digits. To us it reflects poor self control and self respect as well.
It depends. May thing I would consider is if this secret is negatively impacting someone else. If someone is hurting someone else and you know this secret and telling the secret would stop that person from getting hurt, you should probably say something. However, if you are wanting to expose a confidence to hurt someone or get them back, don't do it. Then you're a bad person and you don't want to be a bad person, right? Everybody gets screwed over or humiliated in their lives. You eat the shit-sandwich and move on.
Anyone who hides 'anything significant' from their long term partner (especially if their partner wants to know) don't deserve to find love. They deserve to be alone. Stop putting a fake mask and hide your dirt from your precious partner. It's selfish, disrespectful and a betrayal.
When somebody trust you with something they're trusting you because they believe in you and they believe that you will not let them down so just because it's a past relationship even if it ended ugly it doesn't matter there's no reason to tell anybody with that secret is even if you were hurt very badly during The Break-Up it doesn't matter your word is your word if you can't honor your word you can't honor any thing
It really depends on the situation, I don't think you need to keep it a secret but also you don't need to go into details. If my SO told me a secret about a past relationship then I would appreciate her for telling me but I will not ask further questions, only going off on what she told me. The reason is that as your SO you shouldn't hide secrets but the "not going into detail" is still respecting the other person's personal life.
It depends if how far in to the relationship you are and if they ask.
Blurting this stuff out on the first date would come across as a bit weird, but later in the relationship if it comes up in conversation there is no reason to deliberately avoid it.
I would say though, at no point in a relationship is it a good idea to sit and pour your heart out about past heart breaks and how much you miss your ex.
Secrets are secrets and when you give an oath to keep them the oath is usually unconditional. It's not like people promise that I won't tell it to anyone... For now. They just say "you can trust me I won't tell it to anyone", period no if this or that and bullshit small font conditions."
I don't ask. I honestly don't care what their past relationships secrets are, chances are, we will have MANY of our own little secrets. It's not a competition. I don't give a damn what you have done, don't want to know, won't ask. What I do care about are the naughty things we will do with each other. ;)
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
If you promised to keep something a secret it is forever, or until you agree that it is not going to be a secret anymore. But as long as it is not potentially harmful or hurtful, like many years after and you tell it to someone who does not even know your ex, then whatever.
@Djaay ok.. then I am lost as to why you defined what a relationship is xD I appreciate that I can share personal affairs as confidential and not having the potential of everyone knowing about it :D call it lying if you want. I don't care :)
A relationship is involvement not just with another but everything they've been , everything they are , everything they mean to others as well. Personal affairs are really never personal nor personable. What would happen if everyone publically knew about your every means?
@Djaay mostly just embarrassment, like sexual interests.. but there is also making one look weak when being vulnerable, which is for example not good in many work situations. Sounds like you would be into a big brother system with complete surveillance xD I would go fucking nuts if that was the case :D stressed just thinking about it. I like having my own time, not thinking about how others perceive me.
@Djaay ok, nice it works for you. But I am sure I will not function well in such a culture. I need my personal space to feel comfy and free to be myself, alone and in my close relations. Happy that is possible <3
I want to know everything about my husband and he shall probably (want? To) know about me, afterall we are life partners. But if there is something he is very uncomfortable with and doesn't want to talk about it, I will respect it. I can get what he is, deeper person I see in other things. Afterall past is past.
Anyone who keeps secrets ; are busy being what they're not and strive to take an advantage of the other in some point in time. Secrets are buried by lies. Confessions of yourself demands improvement and shows willingness to advance with strength to overcome , which in turn , enables u to succeed where u failed with confidence to perch forward openly with solid good reason.
Depends on the secrets. If it's abuse, it shouldn't be kept secret. If it's something that matters in your future relationships you need to share at least how you feel about certain aspects, but still protect sensitive personal information.
I think they should be kept secret. Regardless of how a relationship ends keeping a promise is very important. You don't want to be the "one who can't be trusted."
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
Depends on the severity. Like catching STDs, cheating, having abortions or kids that they do not see/take care of, then no that should not be kept a secret.
My point is this: if your partner asks you a specific question about your past relationship, it's worth telling (if you're willing and ready). If your partner doesn't ask, you should NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR PAST RELATIONSHIP!
Yes and no, I don't think it should be hidden, but I also don't think it needs to be discussed unless deliberately brought up (such as being asked). We all have our past and history, so there's no reason to be secretive of it
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