Is keeping secrets ever justifiable in a relationship?

[Anonymous]

[RebelinSteel]

For things that impact your relationship, then both should be open. For things that do not, such as say one of you is a lawyer, then obviously you keep stuff secret as you do not tell your partner. Same if it is something prior to your relationship, your partner does not need to know everything, caveat being it has an impact on the relationship, the caveat to that being if it’s say they had 6 previous partners not the 3 they said and you find out 20 years later. Everyone is allowed secrecy over their life prior to a relationship.

[JacobJordan]

If you don't trust them sure. Course with trust being a requirement for a good relationship you will never have one if you don't trust your girlfriend/boyfriend

[Summeroflove]

It depends on what it is and how far into the relationship. You don’t need to tel someone your whole life’s story on the first date.


There are things. Maybe embarrassing moments you don’t want to talk about. As long as it isn’t major stuff.

[Asker]

I'm more referring to a relationship. I wouldn't expect anyone on the first dates to be a completely open book.

[Summeroflove]

I get what you mean. It just depends on what the secret is

[jennifer_bloom]

If you have secrets that don’t involve treachery or abuse, and revealing it would cause you pain, you should be allowed to hide it. I have no secrets.

[Asker]

Yeah, I don't think all secrets are bad. Like let's say he had a storage unit where he kept his all time favorite collection of baseball cards. What would I care? Maybe we don't have space for how insanely large his collection is so he has a storage unit and never tells me about it...you know, shrugs....

[RavenDarkheart]

I’d need a little more context. If we are talking secrets like, “I bought him x y z for his birthday / Christmas,” that is ok. If you’re talking something like “I just slept with his friend in our bed,” that is bad and should be allowed at all, much less as a secret that is being hidden.

No matter how much you try everything eventually will come out. Just think about what it is, if it will hurt them now, it will hurt even more if they find out about it another way and that you were hiding it from them the whole time.

[Asker]

Some people think that there should be NO secrets, none. I just don't believe that or people who say they keep no secrets. I think what "they" mean, is no secrets meaning the major things, like he finds out he has cancer and doesn't tell you, type of secrets, not like he went and saw a movie instead of mow the lawn type stuff.

[RavenDarkheart]

Major things there should be no secrets. In your example, yes they should tell a partner if they have (any terminal illness) so they can mentally prepare if nothing else. Also they can better comfort and care for them if they know. Any major issues should be open.

[imtiaz45]

In certain circumstances, keeping secrets in a relationship may be justifiable if it protects the well-being of the partner or the relationship itself. For example, withholding a surprise or delaying disclosure to find an appropriate time may enhance positive experiences. However, honesty and communication are crucial for trust and intimacy. Justification may be context-dependent, such as sparing unnecessary hurt or allowing individuals to process personal issues independently before sharing. Ultimately, open communication is vital, and partners should strive to create an environment where honesty prevails, fostering a deeper understanding and connection within the relationship.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/T-WaV3e75IA

[Anonymous]

Depends what kind of harm your partner can encounter if they found out about the secret vs. hearing about it from you first.

I usually ask myself “what’s the benefit of her knowing this?” A perfect example would be one girl I dated years ago who tried to press me hard about “my number”. All that should matter to her is:

• I’m loyal (and I was to her)
• I don’t have any kids (and I don’t)
• I didn’t have any STDs (and I don’t).

So exactly what benefit would it be to her otherwise if she knew my “number” (it is very high) other than getting paranoid? What value is there for her to know that?

[BoopBoopBeep]

I have tons of secrets. Some I keep because my job requires me to, some I keep for her safety, some have just never come up before. I don't seek to CREATE more secrets, but even if I could and even if she wanted me to, there's no matrix style download of my life to give her where she'd suddenly know everything.

[Asker]

Yeah, my aunt once dated an undercover agent. He literally had his real life car, and this other beat up car he used for work. I always wanted to know more about what he did, but he was very strict about leaving the work life outside the door. I'm not sure how I would personally feel about someone who had to literally lead a double life or how dangerous that might actually be if they were found out.

[BoopBoopBeep]

It cost a lot of my relationships over the years, at least in part.

[RammyM]

I think some secrets are a normal a part of every relationship, whether that be a life partner or friendship. I think it's okay to have some level of it, in the same sense that I think having and giving some privacy is healthy as well. But both parties gotta give and take here, and work towards cohesion in my opinion.

It also super-depends on what is going on, though.
There's a huge range of variability using just the word secret.

Big difference between "don't tell my wife but I don't love her cooking" and "don't tell my wife but I have a mistress"

[sawno]

if its someone elses secret and you promised to keep it a secret while its not at the expense of your partner its totally justifiable. I expect my partner to be trustworthy which means she also needs to keep secrets on behalf of her friends. However, if it is a secret at my expense she should refuse to keep it a secret and tell me.

[IslaTheWitch]

Of course. We are people, and we are not always ready to share everything. As long as those secrets don't damage the relationship, having your own space is fine.

[dreamstar72]

Basically there are two types of secrets the good and bad. The good is like a special surprise secret of course you keep that from them, then yes. The bad is a hurtful or disrespectful or disappointment secret that that you keep for them, then no.

[ChicoFromThe305]

I think that depends if it effects their partner in any way or Not, for example, if I'm scared of watermelons, I'm not really doing anything wrong in a relationship by hiding a fear of watermelons cause it only effects me lol.

[Nikki1989]

Calling it secrets makes it sound bad, but the reality is even your partner doesn't need to know every little minor detail of your past. Live for today, not what happened 10 years ago.

[MemeSupreme]

yeah bc some secrets are selfish to share if it's like just to make yourself feel better. some things you better off not knowin about lol

[bobalife]

I don’t think so. I tell them everything because I value honesty and transparency. exceptions are surprises.

[NormalBoringGuy]

Sure, if you're planning a surprise birthday party or work for the CIA, then, it's probably best not to tell them about it.

[Kelley1]

Of course because we all keep secrets including you.

[LaurenM1997]

I would never ever keep a secret in a relationship that’s how you lose trust

[HighValue]

Only when necessary to surprise them with a gift or something positive like that.

[Jessikaah91]

Definitely don't believe in secrets from your partner.. I usually tell mine everything.

[billmunch]

If my SO just something mundane like a ONS, just go ahead and keep the secret.