Do you think past relationship secrets should always be kept secret?

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

Even from your current partner?

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

I think it depends on the secret and the why kept it secret. Because some secrets have a way of coming out, being exposed, especially if you're not the only one that knows that secret... And is it something that would damage the relationship beyond repair if you keep it secret and it comes out later...

[Jean-Marie_Céline]

That's a very mature and complete answer, I wholeheartedly agree with it!

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thanks

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Thanks for mh

[Gwenhwyfar]

Define exactly what you mean by secrets. If my boyfriend has a secret kid with his ex, I definitely need to know that. If my boyfriend’s ex likes to have her feet tickled while she masturbates... maybe I didn’t need to know that.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Thank you 😊

[razelove]

If they don't impact other relationships, yes. Typically if someone says they want to tell me a secret or something like that though I ask them to really think about that. Some things you say affect how people look at you going forwards, and not in the happy sun shiny ways. Others might have consequences, like no longer being ignorant about being complicit in a crime or something.

Anyway, I don't share "secrets" that is things which I've been specifically asked not to share with anyone. If a woman I'm with can't respect that though I don't love, I still respect another woman, that's her problem to get over. Like I don't ask about other relationships, most people just can't help but share that information. If they start telling me secrets about a guy, or guys they were with, I don't want to be with them. That's me existing as a story the same way in the future.

[jennifer_bloom]

With the guy I used to flirt with from work - I was sweet as honey and as kind as a dove - would not want him to know I used to be a controlling and jealous jerk before I gained self actualization.

[richie213]

Somehow this is true for most women 😅, how controlling were you before?

[InventorofWarp]

As a guy I'd want to know this.
I have a massive crush on a lovely woman who's so confident, kind, sweet, beautiful and just all around an angel.
She revealed to me that she spent most of her 20s as an alcoholic in abusive relationships and did a lot of bad stuff.
I dont think of her any less. If anything it's so hard to imagine her like that, that it just makes me respect her more for turning things around to become who she is now.

I spent four years as a drug addict and I was one when I met her.
Turned my life around to become the kid I used to be before all that.
Just because we used to be something doesn't mean someone won't see who we are now or who we can be. If they don't, they're not worth our time.

[Ace_Chidorigafuchi]

They can't be kept secret. I think secrets are conditional on the current structural integrity of the given relationship. So here, let's use an example of a house. We need supplies, a foundation etc.

Let's say you and I dated long-term. Just like in real life for most people, we cohabitate the same place. Just like me, you live in the plot of land you own, and I partly own, in which we either bought or built our current home on. For our metaphorical house together, just like our real-life home, our embodied relationship lived whatever it's destined time was, out on our invisible house on a plot of land called "Intimate Relationship", sorry for the tacky name. But that's the name that our mental land deed lists as it's name, so whatever.. O. K?

So let's set down one constraint, that this plot of land, and the metaphorical house we built was not just yours, it's of course dually owned. Not precisely even, it rarely is, but at least, we each have a living-and-breathing psychological & emotional asset valuation in our land together, and in our house we built upon it. It may not be equal, because when we started dating I decided that my emotional downpayment would be less than yours. You didn't really bargain, heck, you didn't even know we were bargaining at all. It was too easy. (I'm a real greedy SOB).
Those resources cannot become liquid, while it stands.

Not only is our emotional downpayment locked up, because at this point surprise we are on a break, we also have an individual *effort payment* commitment that is a largely fixed rate, and cannot be changed, again something I sort of didn't inform you about when we started dating, you got cheated and the short deal. All good so far? Not really for you, but I've got this smoking hot (and cute<3) girlfriend who does whatever she can to make me happy, so I'm largely happy. Real nice guy I am eh? I'm more like an ogre.

Now I want to set down one more simple constraint. You have only one plot of land to build your forever home on. You cannot simply buy another, as you cannot afford to, and even if you could, say lease a metaphorical apartment, you still have to pay your fixed effort rate to your main home to keep it lit, and u have only the ability to live in one place at one time anyway, so one you would have to leave it running with the lights on, which would cost you. (emotional/psychological/mental/physical effort fixed rate- and the resulting drain would suck)

Therefore it makes no sense to not deconstruct the prior abandoned home, which still has the emotion you in part own, to free up the emotional supply to next construct your new home *which you are currently planning to inhabit*.

The foundations you built, or the land deed you bought was done together out of respect, & compassion for one another. If our house say was torn down - with disdain & egotism - willfully or not, or it's otherwise non-inhabitable due to me leaving, and abandoning it - you are now fucked because you :
1. Cannot get the downpayment back. (This is a piece of yourself / time embodied emotional energy).
2. Are paying the*effort rate* to keep the lights on alone.
I think you owe it yourself if you are going to call it a "partner" and not merely a fling; This should be done for you, so that you: 1, aren't wasting your time with him, 2, that you are honest so you can be more present.

It is known that lying bifurcates you - the bubble of reality where you and every relationship you have exists inside is forked when you lie. You need to remember the separate decision tree branch of reality you just created with the lie, on-top of the story you tell yourself as to why it was uniquely justified in that instance to do so. And of course, not to mention the real truth you hold.. and it's associated instance attributes.
You can see how this can fracture a person. A partner which is someone whom you hold in trust enough to give them private access to you in the first place. Respect your own time.

[NathanDavis]

If mine, then I do not have secrets at all, I can be open... but there are things that are not just about me, they involve others so those require some consideration, if they don't have an effect on future relationships then there's not even a thought to divulge anything, but if there's something that has to be known for whatever reason then I will be pertinent about it.

Then, there's also a differentiation I make between personal information and experiences, for which I can be more open (and discreet about details) and then there's actual secrets which are things that I've been asked to keep between us, so those would never make it out of me for no reason.

[flamiE]

No I think talking about past experiences should be normalised. Learn how your partner was hurt in the past, understand them better, love them how they want to be loved. As of secrets, I can’t think of anything I wouldn’t share with a partner. Even if it’s some dark secret he better accept it because it’s a part of me. I mean it’s in the past after all.

[zed-789]

Yes. Sometimes u think ur doing the best thing by volunteering information about ur life to a partner but sometimes what happens is u end up opening up urself to scrutiny and judgment on a past version of urself that no longer exist. I feel even the greatest people could have once been a monster in someone else’s eyes. Would u really want to know that?

[TheorionMage]

Being a Divorcee' having elected to marry another Divorcee' our elective union began a 'fresh' relationship, 'clean slate'. Neither of us were 'who' we ONCE were.

So... with the exception of any previous issues continuing to 'carry forward' ... by mutual agreement we agreed to extend one another 'blanket amnesty'.

NO ONE can come to EITHER of us, seeking to sow discord or distrust with the insidious "Did you KNOW?" or "Were you AWARE that?"

Such people are dis-satisfied in their own circumstances and can't STAND that others might grow beyond their possibly 'checkered' pasts. ~

[daisySykoSykes]

I think it all depends. If the other person would benefit from knowing/would be affected by that secret then by all means they should tell the other person. Like if theyre crazy, its better to know that early on lol but if its something that isn't important then i would say its up to that person to tell or not.

[The_Maphio]

Depends if such secrets are going to be a problem in the present and future relationships.
You're still going to be on your guard all the time so it really isn't worth it. And as soon as the guy finds out the other has a secret that will never tell you about, that's a red flag. Serious red flag. Potentially deal breaking red flag.

[Daniela1982]

If you can't be open and truthful with someone you love, or if they can't love you because you are not perfect, do you really want to be with that person? If you think that if they know they will drop you like a hot branding iron, then maybe that person is not right for you. There is one thing about telling the truth, you never have to remember what you told someone.

[DollAlone]

Depends on the type of secret. If its something your current partner should know, like having Herpes or something, then yes tell. But if its like certain sex positions you and your ex used to do then no, some things need to be kept personal and have no relevance to your current relationship

[slizzle01]

If you screw me over, every single one of my friends will hear every juicy detail of everything you ever wanted to keep private. We will laugh and joke aabout it, we will share pictures, we will say mean things about you to each other. But that's only if you're disrespectful. If you are kind, your secrets will stay with me to the grave.

[Djaay]

So u believe in holding secrets and threats to those who expose?

[CallmeTheKnight]

There's a big difference between keeping something to yourself and keeping a secret. Keeping a secret does fall in line with keeping something to yourself, but when it's discovered it can greatly hark the relationship or whomever you held it from.
I always keep stuff to myself, whether it's rumors, someone else's problems, how much I get paid, or how I spend my days alone.

[Dchrls78104]

No. Trifles done between you and your ex might be kept secret, since in fact you may even forget them; but if there's a secret from your past relationship that is likely to affect your present one, that secret is not yours to keep. In that case you can, and should, unburden yourself, and as soon as possible, before the situation becomes critical.

[DragonWhisper]

Depends on the secret, if it won't help in anyway then let the past be the past.

I have forgotten more secrets from past partners than I care to count simply because it no longer matters to me. The secrets that matter to me usually only matter to me and can do nothing good to share.

[loveslongnails]

I believe most secrets are secrets for a good reason. Past relationships are in the past, so let sleeping dogs lie. Personally, I feel zero need to bare my soul about shit in the past as long as I know that I won't repeat any bad behaviors. "Total disclosure" never works because people are nowhere NEAR as open minded as they claim to be. So keep it to yourself and remember - "loose lips sink ships".

[Pogi-Paddy-2]

My thoughts are that anything that I keep secret from one relationship to the next isn't productive with a new partner. If I have secrets with my ex, they were shared with the utmost of confidence, therefore I don't find it necessary to even broach this topic.

[DaisyM23]

I mean as in your previous partner told you a secret? I mean sure if you want, it shouldn’t really impact anyone but it’s your decision to know what’s right and wrong

[ZackBan]

There are level. I think if secrets are relevant to the new relationship they can be shared but irrelevant things do well to stay in the past.

[ClemFandango]

Absolutely... that person has been put in a position of trust and should keep it regardless of relationship status.