For those of you living with your SO, do you ever go to bed angry?

Question

I've always heard a tip to a good marriage is to never go to bed angry. Have you ever been seething mad and just hit the sack?

talover · Accepted Answer

I used to. It doesn't go well for the relationship. After two failed cohabitating relationships, I realized, I needed to deal with problems in a different way. With my now third cohabitation (also, my only wife), we've made a decision early in our marriage that we would never go to bed angry or with unsolved issues between us. We also added that we would never sleep away from each other, as in, we're so mad or unresolved that I sleep on the couch or vise versa. This further forced us to deal with our issues even if it became pillow talk.

This promise to each other has been a huge benefit to our marriage and family. Because of this promise, we now make sure to work out our differences that same day. We make sure to do it sooner in the day rather than later, since we both found out staying up till 3 or 4 a. m. working out issues isn't effective. I think there is a Bible verse somewhere that says, don't go to bed with your wife angry (paraphrasing here). Something like that, my wife knows it better than I do. But that nugget of wisdom is what helped us form our marriage rule.

smokeyshaman · Accepted Answer

I know this opinion probably differs a lot from what others may think... but sometimes I think sleep can be extremely helpful to clear the mind.

When we are angry we are controlled by our emotions, our endocratic has almost full reign making it impossible to access our logical brain.

It is of course vital to let our emotions out when we need to, but sometimes it can be very hard to solve a problem when we are flooded by emotions.

Peraonally, in certain situations i feel it can be extremely helpful to sleep on it after an argument. While we aleep our brain has a chance to organise the events of the day so we can, hopefuly, wake up refreshed.

The important thing though is that the issue is talked about the next day once our heads have had the chance to cool down and chill out. That way we can really speak in a reasonable manner without saying things we don't means because we are overflowing emotionally.

I guess this is different for a lot of people but I personally like to talk about issues with a cool head.

AmandaYVR · Accepted Answer

I think it's impossible to live a life with someone and not sometimes go to bed angry. I think it's a fairytale.
Often it is better to go separate ways, stop talking, think about it later, let the heat die down, and maybe it won't even need to be discussed further later. Some issues are so big, or so chronic, they cannot be resolved, so agreeing to disagree, and giving some space, is the only way through.

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

Honestly depends what time the fight starts. If you have a squabble before work at like 8am, it's probably resolved before lunch, unless it's a biggie, when you pick up the damn phone and call over lunch.

If someone's picking fights at 11pm, sometimes it's just better to sleep it out even if nothing is fully 'resolved.' There's nothing 'better' that can be said at 1am than 8am the next day.

Apple1996 · Answer

Never done that. I can't go to bed if I'm angry ill bug my husband until the problem is properly discussed cause there is no way I'm dragging that mess into the next day.

lightbulb27 · Answer

yes, not that I'm angry, but I tend to get hurt and retract and get tired out. Emotionally drained. That's what I did as a young kid. I'm still learning to listen and hold my ground.

Coming back to it next day or so be a good idea, except I tend to avoid the issues and not come back to them because I don't like conflict to begin with. If it feels good the next day, I just want to keep that going rather than open up the issue again. It generally takes me quite a bit of time to see the others viewpoint if it is about some deep issue in myself. I see better general ideas and issues. Most arguments, are about me, my perspective on my past, that requires a lot of work to see myself.

I don't have good skills here to handle emotional stress, stress response, conflict resolution. If it's indirect, it's ok. When it's about me, it's very hard.

I like the idea of calling a timeout and providing mutual support, per @Lliam below.

Lliam · Answer

There were a few times early in our marriage when I got mad and sulked. But I learned better communication skills. I also learned that it's really destructive and stupid to carry grudges and go to bed angry. My wife and I haven't had a fight for years. We have an occasional argument but know how to deal with that.

If an argument get heated, one or the other of us can request a time out. Then we agree on a time to return to it. Before we temporarily end the dispute, we smile, hug, and say "I love you."
I find that after I have had time to process the dispute, I've calmed down, regret the argument, can see where I may have gone off the rails, and better understand my wife's point of view. It's not that we always arrive at agreement, but we want what's best for each other can find ways to resolve problems to each other's satisfaction.

My advice is to never, ever go to bed angry. It can cause resentment and harm a relationship.

Kaneki05 · Answer

When one does that's when she normally becomes an Ex. Going to bed angry may help some just destress but for me it builds a resentment that will stick with me. Slowly building to whenever another night like that happens we are done.

People should always work stuff out and then make up by cuddling each other to sleep.
Also why i disagree with making the other sleep on the couch or something else.

Because that bad memory will stick. And will come back up next time it leads to an argument. No one wants to be left alone all night when there supposed to have a partner. And sleeping angry is the same thing due to the lack of connection.
That connection needs to respected and kept.

I am sure there will be someone with a opposite opinion that they feel it does good and they don't have tie to it.
But for me very personally that's about the worst thing that could happen. And i feel like i won't be the only one like this.

Greg1987 · Answer

well the thing is , I never go to bed angry , but my SO does...

when she's mad at me for something totally stupid, I'm mad at her for being mad at me over such a stupid thing.

When I'm mad , I tend to shut myself off, I block all forms of communication , to come to a sort of ZEN inner feeling , where I can reflect on what happened and calm down...

my SO is more of a firecracker, she's mad , and will pull up every argument she can remember just to make a point , I rather not talk to people like then when they're angry or when I'm angry.. .

so yeah , she goes to bed angry , and then I just wait till she's asleep.

strange thing is , it's always her being angry at me , never the other way around.

DaveToo · Answer

As with any marriage, sometimes we have differences. The key to staying with your S/O is to talk things through and, if you can't agree on the subject, agree to disagree, because you are two individuals and will have your own thoughts about any subject. Besides, there are very few things that are so important in your married life, that you need to argue about.

loves2learn · Answer

I am not proud to say we have. Some of our arguments were just too deep seeded to resolve in one evening unfortunately. Good news is the light of day often brings new perspective.

livin_hi_808 · Answer

That is a great question, a great perspective to live by to keep your marriage healthy. The reason its said is so that couples for one, agree together on something and hold each other accountable to uphold their agreed rule. Also good because an agreement is basically a union between two so to hold one another accountable but in a loving way

ArrowheadSW · Answer

The girlfriend who I had when I was around 30, I'd often go to bed angry. There was no reconciliation with any issue with her and if I tried to discuss anything before bedtime it would have been counterproductive and she would have just started yelling or whatever. I was SO glad when that ended and we split up.

Ninani · Answer

I never did when I was married because my narcissistic ex wouldn't let me sleep if he was upset about something. He would actively give me "the silent treatment" until I apologised for something he thought I'd done wrong just so he would let me sleep.

AHary · Answer

I don't care if we have been arguing; you will get a hug and a nice soft kiss before sleepy time.
I refuse to argue in bed, EVER. We will get out of bed and go argue in the living room.

I refuse to ever associate being in bed together with anger. It works. overtime the thought of going to bed has a loving calming effect.

Shortstuff1980 · Answer

Sometimes going to bed angry is better than saying something you'll regret. Best to be clear headed before tackling/resolving an issue.

Aroon5201 · Answer

I wouldn’t do that to the woman I’ll love, I would rather work things out with her and give her the win because they are always right.
Plus going to bed angry isn’t really healthy for any kind of relationships, that’s where the cracks normally starts from before the crumble, so it’s better we work things out at that point before the crumble

PinkMichae · Answer

I'll go to the guest bedroom and sleep if we are arguing too bad. But next morning we always work it out. Sometimes getting away from each other and cooling down is best.

worldscolide · Answer

Never. Its one of our rules. We work out what ever is wrong before we go to sleep.

meetkitty123 · Answer

Sometimes you have too. Sometimes a good night's rest can set you both straight and what you were bad about the day before may not seem as bad to face

Blackcupcake · Answer

I don’t live with a SO but I generally don’t stay mad for more than 1h or so… and then I’m ready to move on but first I need to talk about things lol

exitseven · Answer

I have been married for25 years. I probably did this a dozen times. Not in a while though.

TheSpaceGnome · Answer

I don't think I could go to bed mad, daily annoyances would be a lot less stressful if every night i could use boobs as stress toys.

Shihab91 · Answer

I have never been married or lived with girlfriend, but i heard if the problem lasted more than 1month this might be a sign that it won't workout. 🤷🏻‍♂️

dreamstar72 · Answer

No because going to bed angry causes worst problems.

ThatNoUVAtYourEyes · Answer

I only ever went to bed once denying the affection/the safety of a hug - it was fabricated and I still regret it.

scott04sa22 · Answer

If I was in a relationship if my woman is mad at me for a while if she still mad at me at bedtime. I get the couch.

Ironic_Method · Answer

We've never gone to bed angry. We haven't fought yet either.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Some women are always angry. Sleep is the only time they shut up about being angry.

OddBeMe · Answer

I do a lot, but I figure it’s mostly my bipolar getting me angry about bullshit. Which I imagine most fights with SOs are.

younggunsss · Answer

Yes but I can't sleep when I'm angry so it makes. me. worse cause he can. He's all happily asleep and I'm just living there stewing in my own anger. It never ends well.

IncognitoBandito · Answer

If you can't snuggle against your partners butt thats trouble

Twalli · Answer

When my girlfriend stays here, we never go to bed angry.

Charliefretz329 · Answer

Both partners have to want to talk shit out. It doesn’t always happen.

sattii2607 · Answer

Happens many a time and sometimes such incidents strengthen the bond as we step back and think what made us angry.

m33lad · Answer

No man pure peace! I love it. I don’t have a job I work for myself I sleep alone. I buy my own shit. Best feeling in the world. No nagging bitch bothering me.

Anonymous · Answer

I tried that in the end I left the relationship anyway

Brown-Kitty · Answer

Used to happen sometimes. lol

Kate_Utt · Answer

Going To Bed Angry Shows You Value Winning And Argument Over Your Partner.

Agape93 · Answer

Sure sometimes. You deal with it.

humpbackjack · Answer

Yes quite a bit these last few years

Nightroads · Answer

With my current wife, no.

safespace · Answer

When I lived with my ex, we did a couple times

Anonymous · Answer

Last night. Alone.

krin_m · Answer

When I was married, yeah, a few times.

alleon · Answer

A narcissist has. Lol

whatsthereinname · Answer

Sadly yes..

SmokinAces2000 · Answer

Nope

Sketti2021 · Answer

No... we talk it out

zimo4321 · Answer

Yeah, a few times

For those of you living with your SO, do you ever go to bed angry?

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