How would you feel if your fiancé spends a night at her ex’s house?

[Anonymous]

Me and my fiancé are in our early 30’s. I’ve never been married and she had in past right after high-school. we’ve been together about 5 years and have had a great relationship besides some minor issues just like all couples.

Yesterday afternoon she tells me that she needs some documents signed by her ex. I knew about the docs and i was totally fine with it. I didn’t think of it much because I trust her and she’s always hated the guy.

She went to see him yesterday around 3-4pm and returned this morning around 10am. She said she got very sleepy and just decided to sleep over at his house. I found it very weird and annoying since she usually gets very jealous if i even talk to a random woman and she does this. I was cleared frustrated and annoyed at her and she kept telling me that I’m blowing it out of proportion. She said she slept in different bed and was just very tired to drive back.

I’ve come out to a library to relax and also because I don’t wanna be home with her.

I believe that she didn’t cheat on me or anything but just can't let it go. I don't know what to do or how to let it go? Any ideas?

Tldr: my fiancé slept at her ex’s house and I don't know how to feel about it or get past it.

[Miristheiss]

I wouldn't like it. It could actually lead to a break up if she pushed it too far and acted like she was entitled to do stuff like that and tried to do it often.

The bottom line. It is a relationship boundary. "I was just tired", "I'm not sleeping with him", "don't you trust me"... blah, blah, blah, the bottom line is you don't sleep overnight at another man's place. End of story. You don't do that. I'm NEVER going to be ok with it.

You know her better than us. If you trust her and she truly seems to "hate" this guy you may let it go with the understanding that she doesn't pull this BS again. If you aren't sure you trust her or something seems off... seems shady or she tries to pull it again just dump her.

Why did she think this was ok? Maybe you two should go over relationship boundaries to clear this "gray" area up.

How far away was this? I mean... give us more details? Was this an hour away in another town to where driving home at 11pm or whatever is a big deal or is this just 15 minutes from where she lives?

It is up to you. If she was indignant, she was pushy and acts like you have a problem that you didn't like it and acts like she should be able to stay over night at any guys place she feels like and how dare you give her any push back about this then maybe you should just dump her.
If she is apologetic and her story actually makes sense about why she decided to stay so late at a former lover's home and sleep over at a guy's home that she has had sex with and says she can understand why this isn't something she should do and she'll not do it again... if you trust her you can just move past it.

Don't take shit though. This is BAD girlfriend behavior, visiting a former lover alone... staying late at his place... alone and then sleeping overnight at a former lover's place. That is BIG TIME bad girlfriend behavior..."am I with the right person" re-evalution.

[Miristheiss]

OP, what happened when you finally talked with her?

[Celtero]

Pretty weird that it takes almost 20 hours to "sign papers."

Let's do the math... If she left at 4 and got there at 6:30 and left at 7:30, that means there were 13 hours of other stuff. If 9 of those hours were sleeping, that's still 4 hours. Maybe one or two hours was spent eating out somewhere or something... and even then, 2 hours to "sign papers?" How many papers were there to sign and did they read every last line or something? She couldn't have emailed him the papers beforehand to read?

I dunno man, sounds pretty bullshit, and I'd be shocked if she didn't cheat.

And I suppose it'd make sense if that used to be her home too and she had a place she was used to sleeping in... And 2.5 hour drive does sound tough to go through if you're super sleepy...

But in the end it seems really bad. I think it'd be smart to ask her to make a timeline or something for you, because if she truly is innocent then there was just hours where she was goofing off on her phone or something, just chilling at her "hated" exes place.

[Asker]

Her story is full of bullshit and holes in it. She could’ve been back by 9:30 even if it took her 1 hour to get 5 signatures.

I’m just so over it man

[hahahmm]

I dunno.. could be she had a special machine that turns sperm into ink. But it needs like 2 ounces so there's a lot of milking required.

[tatianamay]

The whole thing sounds shady as fuck. She went to his house at 3-4pm and came back at 10am the next morning? What documents was it? Why was it needed to be signed? Signing a document takes like 15 hours? You are right to be mad at her. You girlfriend is hiding something from you. If she's been with you for 5 years, then why does she suddenly need those documents signed? Shouldn't she have got those signed earlier? Why did she go alone? Why didn't you go with her? She should have either gone with you or her attorney.

You have mentioned that she "hates" her ex. Hate is a strong word. Why would she stay at someone's house whom she hates? Doesn't that sound suspicious? I would try to get back as soon as possible. You have to assume the worst in this case. Even IF she did cheat on you, what are you planning to do? Nobody cheats on their fiance with someone they 'hate.' If she cheated on you, then she still has feelings for her ex. Honestly, you need to talk this out with her. You have been with her for 5 years. Remember, every side has two stories. This is your story. You need to hear her out. Always trust your instincts. Do not follow you heart on this one. You love her, so obviously your heart is going to mislead you. If her story doesn't sound convincing, go to her ex's house and ask him what happened. See if their stories match. This is the extreme you could go. Do you trust your fiance?

[btbc92]

She is supposed to be your future wife. I think if it was that important, I wouldn't even be at an ex's house or even be involved with an ex. why does she need documents signed? She was married to this ex? The question, why a divorced woman who never got the papers signed if you know this was going to happen? So that means she is still legally married to him and you helped her adulterated on her husband? Cheating? This is what I want to know. IS she still legally married to her husband? And your dating a woman still married to her husband? Bad move. No, you are not blowing this out of proportion this is a scandal, and this is not good. You at this point don't know what happened. Why didn't she call you to let you know that she would be staying or if it was alright because of whatever reason? If she hated the guy, she wouldn't be near him and would have hired a mediator to do the paper delivery for her. There was no need for what she did. And the fact you got involved with that woman and you never married before is just a means to trouble. If you cannot get past it, then that cannot move forward. You never date a person who is still legally married.

[Asker]

No those weren’t divorce papers. They divorced before we started dating. These were some other legal documents that she needed signed and yes i know what the docs were any they were absolutely necessary.

Drive to his place is about 2.5 hours so she must’ve gotten there by 6pm. I fell asleep early around 9pm thinking she’ll just be home in a bit. I woke up at 6am this morning and she still wasn’t here. No calls or texts. I freaked out. I called her and she said she just slept at his house.

Now I’m just all over the place because I thought this was a perfect relationship but if spending a night at ex’s house is her normal, I don't know what else would be too.

[btbc92]

Well, you have been with her for 5 years, this is why you figure this out before all of that. Those documents should have been taken cared f long ago, and it should have been in the daytime much earlier and if you needed to be there, you should have been there. Or she should have gone with her attorney or somebody else. Not alone, and not by 6 pm. That is too suspicious, and no, it doesn't matter if he had work that day. If you needed business handled, you do that in the daytime. not for her to sleep over, I mean REALLY?

[btbc92]

You plan that in advance and you should have been there with her even if you only had to be in the care until that was signed and done with? WHY stay over at the house over night? You know if I had to go through that situation, I would be so nervous I would just rather be on the phone with my fiance, not be so comfortable at his house. If she hated him so much, she wouldn't want to stay over. Not at that late. I will rather be having that done in the morning and be back by early afternoon if possible. Not at a person's house that I now end up disliking. So I don't know. If she acts weird between now and your wedding day, you best to really figure out if you want to marry into this situation. It sounds way too suspicious.

[Asker]

Thank you for putting all my thoughts into words. I guess if I admit it, it just gets too real. It’s just a shame that she threw away 5 years of relationship just like that. Even if she didn’t physically cheat, she disrespected our relationship to a point of no return.

[btbc92]

I find that strange coming from experienced people. I never dated. I never had a boyfriend, I am still a virgin, no dating experienced or married or divorce. Even I know that is not what you do. Funny, yet I get told no guy would want me. Yeah, because I wouldn't have settled for BS. And I am sorry, it is no disrespect to you or her. But she has until he wedding day to really prove herself. So if anything really didn't happen, for her sake, she better be telling the truth. Or she will have to be the one to live with that.

[DarkWinterNights]

@btbc92, It makes sense because you’re thinking critically and are completely disconnected from an emotional connection. Everything you said is 100%.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

That whole story sounds suspect.. First of all, there were so many other options for her to get those documents signed out she could of had you go with for the drive.
The too tired, just stayed there sounds fishy as hell.
You have every right to be bothered by this. I would be in that situation

[OlderAndWiser]

Q. Why didn't she call you last night?
A. Because you would have offered to come pick her up and that is not what she wanted.

[jennifer_bloom]

I would consider ending the engagement

[jmocha]

All I can say from personal experience is a gut feeling is generally not unfounded, and shouldn't be ignored.

Every time I've ignored or pushed aside a gut feeling in my relationships it's either haunted me for months or blew up into something way bigger than it would've been if I had of just addressed it then and there.

My suggestion would be to sit down and talk about it. You could start off with something like "Hey, I want you to know that I trust you and love you, I understand that you said that nothing happened on X night when you stayed at... house. I understand feeling tired after that drive, a 5 hour round trip is a lot, but I really would've appreciated a text or a call so that I could've known you were safe and wasn't as blind sided by this." And take the conversation from there.

If she gets overly defensive and her story isn't lining up then I definitely think it's worth discussing further.

If she's just dismissive ("Sorry you feel that way, I'll keep it in mind for next time" type of thing) then that would raise even more red flags, especially if something along the lines of "I don't get why this is such a big deal" comes up.

In my opinion, part of being a wife is acting like one and treating your partner accordingly not just when you're married but also before that.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, but reading the other replies and your responses, I think you've realized she most likely cheated. I just don't see any other logical explanation for her staying the night, not letting you know, etc. If my boyfriend did this, it would be 100% over for me.

Also, most people who say they "hate" their ex are usually harboring some feelings for them. Hate is not the opposite of love... indifference is. Meaning, people who are over their ex don't give a rat's @$$ about them. They don't waste energy being mad or angry or hating them. They simply don't care.

[humpbackjack]

Yeah this is a deal breaker first off she gets jealous over random chicks but thinks it’s ok to spend the night at her ex’s house. Huge red flag number one more than enough to end things. She doesn’t call you so you don’t worry because she knew it wasn’t ok and didn’t want you to guilt her out of making relationship ending mistake. She doesn’t respect you or give a shit if she marries you or not. I mean do you really think she didn’t know this would be a deal breaker. Everything points to she fucked him trust me she’s never going to tell you the truth but the ex might if you come at him right. Regardless if she slept with him or not she didn’t care enough about what could be the consequence of her actions and this isn’t something you’ll be able to let go of this is going to eat at you even if you think you can let it go it’s going to haunt you later

[Oigit]

Looking at this from a logical point a view what she said and did makes no scenes. It leads me to think that there is more to it. Also you having issues sorting out your feelings about is a red flag in itself. Emotions can cloud our judgement. So we can give people a free pass for their negative actions towards us because emotions can cloud our judgement. Or we are willing to accept things we shouldn't for the sake of keeping a emotional to a person.

So his place is two hours and thirty min from your place. Is there no place an hour and fifteen min from your place that these two could have exchanged/signed said documents? Did you two talk about what she wanted to do and agree to it before hand. Has she been around this ex before and how much is he still in the picture?

[Imcmullan]

Did she call to let u know she was staying the night? Also, im pretty sure they slept together. Don't be naive... either way it goes, she was disrespectful for even thinking this would be okmmshe could have stayed at a hotel mandatory if she left at 3 or 4 o'clock, why was she there long enough to get tired just to get documents signed?

[Asker]

Nope. I had to call her this morning to ask where she was because i woke up worried not finding her at home.

[redcheeks]

Needs some documents signed, how long will it take? Say 30 mins max plus all the small talks.

If she at his house at 4pm, 30 min is 4.30. She slept? Avg (we wish) human sleep 8 hours. Its 1030pm.

And she came back 10am?

Plus even if she decided to sleepover. Diff beds. She can't tell you? No respect for you?

Bruh

[Asker]

Yeah I’ve realised how disgusting and disrespectful that was. Even if they didn’t do anything. She went as far as to gaslight me and try to act normal. Leaving her asap

[Anonymous]

It seems odd that she needed to stay that long just to have some papers signed. I'd be very suspicious if I were you. How far away does the ex live that she couldn't return the same day? Did she call/text you to let you know she would be spending the night away?

[Asker]

Yes it was odd. The drive to his house is about 2.5 hours so I thought she’d be back by 10pm or something even if it took her 1 hour there.
I woke up to her not home. No calls or texts until i called her.

[Opinion Owner]

If she acts strangely again including being away from you for long periods of time, I think you should confront her.

[Imcmullan]

Confront her? No he needs to dump her.. she most DEFINITELY cheated..

[Asker]

Yeah after a lot of thinking. I’ve decided to end it once I’ve settled some financial matters

[Imcmullan]

So awful.. im sorry you're dealing with this... im sure your heart hurts... but its better to know and leave than to deal with being lied and cheated on.

[humpbackjack]

Yeah this is a deal breaker first off she gets jealous over random chicks but thinks it’s ok to spend the night at her ex’s house. Huge red flag number one more than enough to end things. She doesn’t call you so you don’t worry because she knew it wasn’t ok and didn’t want you to guilt her out of making relationship ending mistake. She doesn’t respect you or give a shit if she marries you or not. I mean do you really think she didn’t know this would be a deal breaker. Everything points to she fucked him trust me she’s never going to tell you the truth but the ex might if you come at him right. Regardless if she slept with him or not she didn’t care enough about what could be the consequence of her actions and this isn’t something you’ll be able to let go of this is going to eat at you even if you think you can let it go it’s going to haunt you later

[humpbackjack]

Yeah this is a deal breaker first off she gets jealous over random chicks but thinks it’s ok to spend the night at her ex’s house. Huge red flag number one more than enough to end things. She doesn’t call you so you don’t worry because she knew it wasn’t ok and didn’t want you to guilt her out of making relationship ending mistake. She doesn’t respect you or give a shit if she marries you or not. I mean do you really think she didn’t know this would be a deal breaker. Everything points to she fucked him trust me she’s never going to tell you the truth but the ex might if you come at him right. Regardless if she slept with him or not she didn’t care enough about what could be the consequence of her actions and this isn’t something you’ll be able to let go of this is going to eat at you even if you think you can let it go it’s going to haunt you later

[DWornock]

Silly man, whether or not you want to call it cheating, she slept with him and they fucked. Short of someone sending you a video of them fucking, I can't imagine any clearer evidence that she visited him to fuck. Of course, she is going to lie and make some excuse that she knows you are gullible enough to believe.

The fact is, she doesn't even need to meet him to sign papers in a lawyer's office. Or if they meet, they can meet in the lawyers' office or some public place and it only takes a few minutes. However, after they fuck for months, maybe you will figure it out.

[avengers197197]

Seriously, it's totally ur decision to trust anyone and she is supposed to be ur future wife and u came here seeking advice?
Now I don't think u have trust in her at all bcz if u did u wouldn't have come here for advice.

Just give her a soft warning and let it go, don't make it big issue, and if her intentions were wrong and u don't make a big issue then she will be off-guard and would try to visit him again and if it happens then just say we are done here
But if u choose to make a big issue out of this then the bond between u and her will become weak and u will eventually separate with her bcz suspection can only lead to form multiple variables in ur mind and u will suspect her more from now on.

So u have two options either forgot what happened and move forward or just leave her right now

And don't seek other options like let's wait and watch bcz that ain't gonna help u.

[jillybeanns]

I….. I hate to say it, but she 99.9 times out of 10 cheated on you. Imagine sleeping over an ex’s house that you hate. Literally makes no logical sense. None.

[jillybeanns]

If I were ever in that situation, at an ex’s house that I hate and I’m too “tired” to make a drive. I’m 10000% calling an Uber or Lyft. This isn’t the 1930’s there’s serval ways to get out of that type of situation.

[yofuknutz]

Thank you that's what I'm talkin about if she were standing in front of the eyes tell her what you didn't pay the motherfuking cell phone bill or some shit you could have used his cell phone oh wait a minute did he also forget pay his bill right I mean you can even use this computer to send an email so if that girl was a front of me right now verbally I would have her tears and stumbling out the door

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Id honestly watch how much she is talking to him and about him. Its not good she stayed the night your not blowing anything out of proportion I would be down right pissed! She could have called abd said honey I am too tired to drive home can you come pick me up? We can get my car tomorrow.. that doesn't sit right with me.. why does it take so long to sign documents? there's more to the story

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Hugs best wishes to you! You didn't throw away 5 years its a learning experience better now than after the wedding

[PeacefulRainDrop]

Id thank the guy for helping you see her true colors

[AimeeKyle]

Read your own paragraph objectively…. as if your best guy friend was telling you the same story (and you have no investment of time with the girl). If you can separate yourself and look at her actions for what they are…. You already know what you should do.

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Great advice here!!

[spartan55]

So no call to let you know what was up, no nothing? The signing papers thing is bullshit. That can all be done by a notary courier... so that seems sketchy. The fact that she didn't call to informcl you is the most alarming to me.

[Avicenna]

That’s simply not a believable explanation. She could have had these documents brought and returned by a courier, or better yet, signed electronically. Even that part of the story stinks, though (that she needed documents signed).

[KrakenAttackin]

She wanted one last fuck-and-suck session with the ex, that's all.

Dude, do not marry this chick. The jealous ones have the most to hide.

Look her straight in the eye and ask if she had sex with him. If she deflects in the slightest, you will have you answer.

[hahahmm]

Either she's done it more times before or she'll do it more times after. Either way is bad news.

[KrakenAttackin]

@hahahmm Truth.