Just have to learn self control and to keep in mind other people's feelings. You can't have what's always greener on the other side. Relationships take work so you must put effort into them not run off to someone else when shit hits the wall. I used to cheat I used to feel like you and it's fun and all that to but I had sex with them. Anyways shit gets old and you have to make a choice. Ultimately my choice was I wanted to settle down and create a family. At one point the player life gets old and kinda pathetic. around 30 people need to be settled down in my opinion if they haven't already
There could be so many reasons why you are doing this. You could be having an unconscious fear of commitment that is manifesting as this behavior. Or else, you could just not have met the right man. what makes each of them attractive to you? Do they both share the same qualities? Is one man considered the main love interest and the second “the other man?” Do they do different things with you? Are you sexually attracted to both to the same degree?
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+1 y
The first guy I liked because he seemed ambitious and he was very sweet/romantic. He is also pretty similar to me. At the time I considered it rare to find a guy like this who truly loved me and quickly got together with him. The second guy I liked because of his smile and he was also very romantic. He was very funny and really handsome. If I'd have to pick one has the main and one as the other man I would say the first guy was the main and the second was the other man. However, me and the second man have done far more than me and the first guy. The first guy I've never met in person and there's a 12-hour difference in our times. All the cuddling, kissing, etc has happened with the second guy and that's where more sexual attraction would lie. The difference between the two guys is the first guy actually asked me out, the second guy didn't. With the second guy we basically just started introducing ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It's really hard to detect the ambition of both guys but both of them aren't as ambitious as I had hoped... I think the second guy is less ambitious than the first guy. The first guy is a lot more boring than the second guy. I don't know I guess no man can be perfect though.
First, I don’t think you have a character flaw. You just done have enough information based on which to make a decision. If there is one thing you did wrong, it is that you have led them to believe that you are in an exclusive relationship with each. But that’s not a very big deal. I think you need to do some soul searching to see what qualities you can’t live without. Make your short term actions consistent with your long term plans.
Well, no. There is no such thing. But examine what qualities you can’t live without and what flaws are deal breakers. For example, I can’t be with a drug addict. Then look to find a person whose imperfections you can live with who also has the qualities you must have. But before you do any of that, you must do some soul searching.
Ah I see. Okay wait I have an update I’m going to tell you and a few others on here. Long story short, both of them were upset of course, but the second guy left the first one wants me to stay. Should I still try to be single or stay with him?
You seem aware that cheating is wrong and you feel badly about it. That is the first step. You’ll need to strengthen your capacity for self-control. You should find someone you trust and explain the problem to that person, and ask your confidante to hold you accountable. Also, try to make yourself accountable to your boyfriend. Share your phone location with him. It might make it more difficult to cheat if you know your boyfriend can see your location at random at any time.
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+1 y
"Share your phone location with him." You're so smart that is such a good idea! Okay. I'll definitely be using this before any relationship in the future. The accountability thing is a good idea too, hm one thing do you have any ideas as to who a good confidante would be? A friend?
A good confidante would be someone who is either duty bound to keep your secrets (like a priest) or someone who you trust absolutely, who cares about you, and who will provide honest feedback if you are doing something wrong. It could be a family member or a close friend.
Honestly I’d seek therapy and if stop dating people in the meanwhile. You’re going to end up damaging someone a lot. Cheating can ruin someone’s happiness and ability to ever formulate a relationship in the future. Stop being selfish by dating people when you’re in this mental place. You most likely have a lot of self esteem issues and you selfishly act on it. I can’t tell for certain, but do yourself and everyone a favor and take care of this until you start dating.
The odds of you working it out and sustaining a healthy relationship with any of these two after cheating is slim to none. Don’t go down this toxic path.
Okay, well thanks for your honesty and advice. I think this is the last reply I'm going to make for tonight so I can go ahead and continue planning/ working on these things. Thanks for your advice.
Tell your partners, those two gentlemen you're dating. Tell them in person that you've been cheating. So you can see his reaction, hear his voice tremble, so you can see the hurt in his eyes as guilt and shame overwhelms you.
Maybe like this! By experiencing the hurt you put them through, you might think twice next time.
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+1 y
Yeah I’m already crying but I know the truth is what they deserve. I’d understand if they hated me for the rest of their life. I just want to stop so I can never put anyone through this again. Thank you so much for the advice.
I cheated on all my gfs. I’d regularly run 6 women at a time. I was a super slut. What I did is 11 years ago I became honest with myself and when women would ask me out, I tell them I’m not a good person to date. Read the Bible. Get close with God and over time you might be able to forgive yourself.
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+1 y
Thank you so much for this. I have a question, did you eventually stop the cheating? Like you're in a committed relationship now?
I feel bad for those guys. If I was one of them I'd never talk to you again ignoring you forever. But those guys failed detecting the loyalty department from you. I have simple tests towards women being loyal to me.
Anywho, to stop cheating I'd recommend a psychiatrist. They're very good at diving deep into people's problems psychologically.
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+1 y
I guess that’s pretty smart. Also I think you’re one of the first ones to say psychiatrist instead of therapist or counselor. Is there a reason you recommend a psychiatrist instead (or are they the same thing)?
Honestly Anonymous, this is an area you really need to seek therapy or counseling for. This is something that usually happens as a result of a past experience or trauma, and over the heads of those on GAG.
My suggestion is to be brutally honest and let the pieces fall where they may. Maybe a truly horrible fallout will wake you up to not want to cheat anymore. If you are lucky maybe one of them will forgive you and want to stay.
I have been living in the same hell for decades. It honestly feels like I know it’s disgusting and against my own morals, but I can’t control it.
After reading random pages on Google, I realize that it’s not ME. My actions could be a symptom of OCD or similar. (I’m also hyper sexual).
I have a meeting with a Counsellor to investigate, as I have other symptoms. Otherwise, I honestly feel I’m cursed. I totally need help.
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+1 y
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one. It seriously just becomes stressful cause you see everyone else able to do it- able to stay loyal and just be happy with just one person and you start to wonder what's wrong with yourself. I looked up hypersexuality by the way. I didn't realize it could be an actual condition. One thing I know for sure is that I have an anxious attachment style.
I thought it was me just being a disgusting, terrible person…. until I read some articles. I wondered what the hell is wrong with me, look at everyone else…they can control themselves! Why can’t I?
I have anxiety and possibly OCD…I also realize these issues probably just magnify the “no dad in my life” issue, so always trying to attain a male’s attention. DM me if you want to, maybe we can walk through this together.
The only person who can stop your cheating is YOU, find yourself a good counsellor/therapist to get to the bottom of why you keep cheating, and be completely honest when you are asked questions by that counsellor/therapist, if you don't you will be wasting yours and the counsellor/therapist time.
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+1 y
Okay, yeah I have a tendency to struggle being honest when I get to help as well. I'll work on that.
The best way to stop cheating is keep your panties on and your legs closed, remember why you’re with your boyfriend, and recognize that if you don’t respect him enough to stop cheating you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.
Can people like you not just be in open relationships or try polyamorous relationships? I dont think its that hard to not fuck other people but if it really is a challenge then do everyone else a favour and find partners that vibe with what you want.
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That's not what I want though. I don't want to be in a polygamous relationship. I want one person in the future, it's just I need to work towards it. Was that not clear?
Then seek some sort of therapy and think about why you need constant attention. I wish you thr best of luck but I honestly don't understand why its so hard to stick to one person
Simple answer is to tell them both and live with the consequences. Doesn't matter what consequences you'll get. Stop making excuses. You know it's wrong but it's like you're saying it's ok to do wrong. If thats what you're thinking, you need a therapy. You dont deserve any boyfriend.
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I don't disagree with anything you've said, and I bet that'll come as a shock to you.
Seek therapy and attend regulary for at least 2 years.
Plus buy some good selection of different toys, big, odd shapes, glowing, sex machines etc. to satisfy your sexual needs while you are at it.
Would be best to stay single for a while.
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+1 y
Thank you. One thing, I never find sexual needs to be the problem. I have a low sex drive. Is there anything that could help satisfy my need to be loved? Like maybe religion or self-love or something... an emotional vibrator 😂
Need to do some therapeutic work with yourself. Basically it stems from something you encountered as child, whether indirect or direct. Its doesn't necessarily even reflect from how your situation,(man&woman, romance, attention). It could have a friendship you saw where one person have more commitment than the other gets left hanging. Sub conscious controls all our conscious decisions, find a way that suites best and reprogram the sub to change the conscious choices. Best wishes to improving.
'both partners now are very loving and have put so much effort into me '
You will perhaps be their big lesson that will teach them something no one else could. However, how you correct your behavior is simple. Follow a higher purpose... a higher 'being'. In short, find God. When you find yourself wanting to do something, ask yourself 'Would Jesus do this?'
Find a reason what makes you cheat. Make an action plan of what will you need and how you will achieve, come up with dead line if any, again plan according to deadline, set mile stones for your self. Celebrate small victories, build up movementum using snow ball technique.
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+1 y
I came up with a plan! Thank you for your answer I'm going to tag some deadlines and milestones onto it. As they say you can't track what you don't measure.
Thank you so much for the encouragement 🥺 Yes I want to set my plan as my wallpaper and put together a poster I can keep in my room regarding it. I actually put my plan in one of the replies here, under Guardian45's reply if you want to see/have any feedback!
I just read what all you wrote. Is sea lioning a known term? And what you have described is a very common behavior. My personal trainer used very good phrase for it which I really liked but can't remember. Increasing endurance?
Ohh that's the update, not the plan! I wish I could link you to the plan but there's no feature to link to other comments on this website I don't think. But yeah sealioning is a term to describe trolling/harassment
We all want easy and fun way out, it should be on our own cost though. I recommend you to break the news to only one as you planned. Break it to the only one who you would decide to let go. And share with other that I am about to do something big to bring two of us more closure to each other I wish and hope for you to be very supportive. I would be very heart broken. And it will be hitting rock bottom for me if my relationship with you do not survive after that for any reason.
Oh, I wanted to use sea lion to describe my combuned solar and lunar Zodiac signs.
You show the qualities of good person in your words and I am equally sure about your actions too, I am sure you're on the right track to over come the challenge / dilemma / a life road fork?
I'll try looking for guardian 45s reply. It's good to put up on wall. See it every morning and evening. Thinking. What I an going to do today to achieve my goal. And what did I do to achieve my goal respectively.
Yes! Thank you so much. Your success leads me to know I can do it. Just an update, my mindset on guys has definitely changed. I'm still friendly but I don't think it's the same. Like I'm not trying to be flirty friendly or anything like that like I used to be before. One thing I've noticed is that I think flirty friendly is the way I've become. Like some guys might see the way I interact with them to be flirty but I'm not trying to be. Perhaps I should try to hide those aspects when interacting with guys.
Cheating is a selfish act , so for you to stop cheating you have to remove selfishness , you are best to wear your partners shoes like they should be wearing yours , Think how would you feel if your partner was cheating on you? So by removing selfish decisions is what makes love grow for each other
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Just have to learn self control and to keep in mind other people's feelings. You can't have what's always greener on the other side. Relationships take work so you must put effort into them not run off to someone else when shit hits the wall. I used to cheat I used to feel like you and it's fun and all that to but I had sex with them. Anyways shit gets old and you have to make a choice. Ultimately my choice was I wanted to settle down and create a family. At one point the player life gets old and kinda pathetic. around 30 people need to be settled down in my opinion if they haven't already
There could be so many reasons why you are doing this. You could be having an unconscious fear of commitment that is manifesting as this behavior. Or else, you could just not have met the right man.
what makes each of them attractive to you? Do they both share the same qualities? Is one man considered the main love interest and the second “the other man?” Do they do different things with you? Are you sexually attracted to both to the same degree?
The first guy I liked because he seemed ambitious and he was very sweet/romantic. He is also pretty similar to me. At the time I considered it rare to find a guy like this who truly loved me and quickly got together with him. The second guy I liked because of his smile and he was also very romantic. He was very funny and really handsome. If I'd have to pick one has the main and one as the other man I would say the first guy was the main and the second was the other man. However, me and the second man have done far more than me and the first guy. The first guy I've never met in person and there's a 12-hour difference in our times. All the cuddling, kissing, etc has happened with the second guy and that's where more sexual attraction would lie. The difference between the two guys is the first guy actually asked me out, the second guy didn't. With the second guy we basically just started introducing ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend. It's really hard to detect the ambition of both guys but both of them aren't as ambitious as I had hoped... I think the second guy is less ambitious than the first guy. The first guy is a lot more boring than the second guy. I don't know I guess no man can be perfect though.
First, I don’t think you have a character flaw. You just done have enough information based on which to make a decision. If there is one thing you did wrong, it is that you have led them to believe that you are in an exclusive relationship with each. But that’s not a very big deal. I think you need to do some soul searching to see what qualities you can’t live without. Make your short term actions consistent with your long term plans.
Oh I see, so kind of like finding my ideal partner?
Well, no. There is no such thing. But examine what qualities you can’t live without and what flaws are deal breakers. For example, I can’t be with a drug addict. Then look to find a person whose imperfections you can live with who also has the qualities you must have. But before you do any of that, you must do some soul searching.
Ah I see. Okay wait I have an update I’m going to tell you and a few others on here. Long story short, both of them were upset of course, but the second guy left the first one wants me to stay. Should I still try to be single or stay with him?
You seem aware that cheating is wrong and you feel badly about it. That is the first step. You’ll need to strengthen your capacity for self-control. You should find someone you trust and explain the problem to that person, and ask your confidante to hold you accountable. Also, try to make yourself accountable to your boyfriend. Share your phone location with him. It might make it more difficult to cheat if you know your boyfriend can see your location at random at any time.
"Share your phone location with him." You're so smart that is such a good idea! Okay. I'll definitely be using this before any relationship in the future. The accountability thing is a good idea too, hm one thing do you have any ideas as to who a good confidante would be? A friend?
A good confidante would be someone who is either duty bound to keep your secrets (like a priest) or someone who you trust absolutely, who cares about you, and who will provide honest feedback if you are doing something wrong. It could be a family member or a close friend.
Okay. Thank you so much.
You’re welcome. I hope it goes well for you.
Honestly I’d seek therapy and if stop dating people in the meanwhile. You’re going to end up damaging someone a lot. Cheating can ruin someone’s happiness and ability to ever formulate a relationship in the future. Stop being selfish by dating people when you’re in this mental place. You most likely have a lot of self esteem issues and you selfishly act on it. I can’t tell for certain, but do yourself and everyone a favor and take care of this until you start dating.
The odds of you working it out and sustaining a healthy relationship with any of these two after cheating is slim to none. Don’t go down this toxic path.
Okay, well thanks for your honesty and advice. I think this is the last reply I'm going to make for tonight so I can go ahead and continue planning/ working on these things. Thanks for your advice.
Tell your partners, those two gentlemen you're dating. Tell them in person that you've been cheating. So you can see his reaction, hear his voice tremble, so you can see the hurt in his eyes as guilt and shame overwhelms you.
Maybe like this! By experiencing the hurt you put them through, you might think twice next time.
Yeah I’m already crying but I know the truth is what they deserve. I’d understand if they hated me for the rest of their life. I just want to stop so I can never put anyone through this again. Thank you so much for the advice.
It has to be in person. It's very important. The only way to start over with a clean slate is to own up to everything you've done. <3
You’re right, thank you so so much.
I cheated on all my gfs. I’d regularly run 6 women at a time. I was a super slut. What I did is 11 years ago I became honest with myself and when women would ask me out, I tell them I’m not a good person to date. Read the Bible. Get close with God and over time you might be able to forgive yourself.
Thank you so much for this. I have a question, did you eventually stop the cheating? Like you're in a committed relationship now?
I have not gotten back in a relationship for a long time. I don’t think I deserve it.
I feel bad for those guys. If I was one of them I'd never talk to you again ignoring you forever. But those guys failed detecting the loyalty department from you. I have simple tests towards women being loyal to me.
Anywho, to stop cheating I'd recommend a psychiatrist. They're very good at diving deep into people's problems psychologically.
I guess that’s pretty smart. Also I think you’re one of the first ones to say psychiatrist instead of therapist or counselor. Is there a reason you recommend a psychiatrist instead (or are they the same thing)?
www.healthyminds.nyc/.../what-is-the-difference-between-a-psychiatrist-and-a-therapist
I didn't know the differences but this is very helpful. One key difference is one can prescribe medication and the other can't.
Oh I see. Thank you so much!
Honestly Anonymous, this is an area you really need to seek therapy or counseling for. This is something that usually happens as a result of a past experience or trauma, and over the heads of those on GAG.
Okay, thank you.
👍👍
My suggestion is to be brutally honest and let the pieces fall where they may. Maybe a truly horrible fallout will wake you up to not want to cheat anymore. If you are lucky maybe one of them will forgive you and want to stay.
Okay, thank you for your advice
Be proud of yourself for wanting to change.
Thank you, I will! This has been so stressful but I'm glad that I'm in a much better state of moralness than I was a few years ago.
I have been living in the same hell for decades. It honestly feels like I know it’s disgusting and against my own morals, but I can’t control it.
After reading random pages on Google, I realize that it’s not ME. My actions could be a symptom of OCD or similar. (I’m also hyper sexual).
I have a meeting with a Counsellor to investigate, as I have other symptoms. Otherwise, I honestly feel I’m cursed. I totally need help.
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one. It seriously just becomes stressful cause you see everyone else able to do it- able to stay loyal and just be happy with just one person and you start to wonder what's wrong with yourself. I looked up hypersexuality by the way. I didn't realize it could be an actual condition. One thing I know for sure is that I have an anxious attachment style.
I thought it was me just being a disgusting, terrible person…. until I read some articles. I wondered what the hell is wrong with me, look at everyone else…they can control themselves! Why can’t I?
I have anxiety and possibly OCD…I also realize these issues probably just magnify the “no dad in my life” issue, so always trying to attain a male’s attention.
DM me if you want to, maybe we can walk through this together.
I will definitely dm at some point!
I can’t pm because your answer is anonymous
The only person who can stop your cheating is YOU,
find yourself a good counsellor/therapist to get to the bottom of why you keep cheating, and be completely honest when you are asked questions by that counsellor/therapist, if you don't you will be wasting yours and the counsellor/therapist time.
Okay, yeah I have a tendency to struggle being honest when I get to help as well. I'll work on that.
The best way to stop cheating is keep your panties on and your legs closed, remember why you’re with your boyfriend, and recognize that if you don’t respect him enough to stop cheating you shouldn’t be in a relationship with him.
💯 thanks!
Can people like you not just be in open relationships or try polyamorous relationships? I dont think its that hard to not fuck other people but if it really is a challenge then do everyone else a favour and find partners that vibe with what you want.
That's not what I want though. I don't want to be in a polygamous relationship. I want one person in the future, it's just I need to work towards it. Was that not clear?
Then seek some sort of therapy and think about why you need constant attention. I wish you thr best of luck but I honestly don't understand why its so hard to stick to one person
Simple answer is to tell them both and live with the consequences. Doesn't matter what consequences you'll get. Stop making excuses. You know it's wrong but it's like you're saying it's ok to do wrong. If thats what you're thinking, you need a therapy. You dont deserve any boyfriend.
I don't disagree with anything you've said, and I bet that'll come as a shock to you.
Not surprising. You just think doing wrong is ok. Anyone can call you a whore, slut, daddy issue, bitch or whatever and you sure would agree.
And that's what I'll let you think.
Seek therapy and attend regulary for at least 2 years.
Plus buy some good selection of different toys, big, odd shapes, glowing, sex machines etc. to satisfy your sexual needs while you are at it.
Would be best to stay single for a while.
Thank you. One thing, I never find sexual needs to be the problem. I have a low sex drive. Is there anything that could help satisfy my need to be loved? Like maybe religion or self-love or something... an emotional vibrator 😂
Need to do some therapeutic work with yourself. Basically it stems from something you encountered as child, whether indirect or direct. Its doesn't necessarily even reflect from how your situation,(man&woman, romance, attention). It could have a friendship you saw where one person have more commitment than the other gets left hanging. Sub conscious controls all our conscious decisions, find a way that suites best and reprogram the sub to change the conscious choices. Best wishes to improving.
'both partners now are very loving and have put so much effort into me '
You will perhaps be their big lesson that will teach them something no one else could. However, how you correct your behavior is simple. Follow a higher purpose... a higher 'being'. In short, find God. When you find yourself wanting to do something, ask yourself 'Would Jesus do this?'
Find a reason what makes you cheat. Make an action plan of what will you need and how you will achieve, come up with dead line if any, again plan according to deadline, set mile stones for your self. Celebrate small victories, build up movementum using snow ball technique.
I came up with a plan! Thank you for your answer I'm going to tag some deadlines and milestones onto it. As they say you can't track what you don't measure.
Thanks for like!
I am sure you can do it. I love you for that. I love people who are smart and determined to rise above.
Hey, you were the one who asked a great question.
Thank you so much for the encouragement 🥺 Yes I want to set my plan as my wallpaper and put together a poster I can keep in my room regarding it. I actually put my plan in one of the replies here, under Guardian45's reply if you want to see/have any feedback!
I just read what all you wrote. Is sea lioning a known term? And what you have described is a very common behavior. My personal trainer used very good phrase for it which I really liked but can't remember. Increasing endurance?
Ohh that's the update, not the plan! I wish I could link you to the plan but there's no feature to link to other comments on this website I don't think. But yeah sealioning is a term to describe trolling/harassment
We all want easy and fun way out, it should be on our own cost though. I recommend you to break the news to only one as you planned. Break it to the only one who you would decide to let go. And share with other that I am about to do something big to bring two of us more closure to each other I wish and hope for you to be very supportive. I would be very heart broken. And it will be hitting rock bottom for me if my relationship with you do not survive after that for any reason.
Oh, I wanted to use sea lion to describe my combuned solar and lunar Zodiac signs.
You show the qualities of good person in your words and I am equally sure about your actions too, I am sure you're on the right track to over come the challenge / dilemma / a life road fork?
I've faced similar challenges in past and have tried doing right things. Fortunate to be here and say I've succeeded in some of my those endeavors.
I'll try looking for guardian 45s reply. It's good to put up on wall. See it every morning and evening. Thinking. What I an going to do today to achieve my goal. And what did I do to achieve my goal respectively.
Yes! Thank you so much. Your success leads me to know I can do it. Just an update, my mindset on guys has definitely changed. I'm still friendly but I don't think it's the same. Like I'm not trying to be flirty friendly or anything like that like I used to be before. One thing I've noticed is that I think flirty friendly is the way I've become. Like some guys might see the way I interact with them to be flirty but I'm not trying to be. Perhaps I should try to hide those aspects when interacting with guys.
You're welcome
I did not found guardian 45s reply
Cheating is a selfish act , so for you to stop cheating you have to remove selfishness , you are best to wear your partners shoes like they should be wearing yours , Think how would you feel if your partner was cheating on you? So by removing selfish decisions is what makes love grow for each other
If you are selfish enough to do this in the first place then you will never have the empathy to not do it again.
Your impulses are stronger than your empathy and I have never seen somebody like you make a turn-around before.
Yep. Some people aren't fit for one partner, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it if she wasn't such a coward who cheats time and time again.
100%
O ye of little faith, Matthew 8:26. God bless.
As an atheist I don't take anything up on faith, at least not knowingly.