I've made a mistake that changed my life, how can I conquer this?

[Anonymous]

I've been married for three years. My wife is beautiful, smart and she has a strong personality. She is very intimidating and is a hothead. After my wife had our child, we became distant. We weren't arguing or anything we just became distant. The air was depressing and my wife stop being around me. I questioned why, but at that time I thought she didn't know my secret. During those times we argued a lot (A couple of months after having our son) I made a terrible mistake. My work had hired some temporary workers to help around the place and set them permanently if they had done a good job. This girl was hired permanently and she shared an office with me. For the first two weeks, we kept it professional, but she started getting very flirtatious with me. I would dead her attempts and remind her that I was married. She would suck her teeth and laugh. However, I lost my composure. We went on a business trip together for my companies product presentation she had to go along with some other persons. During the trip, I would have to go to her or she will come to mine to go over our speech. This one night, She wanted me to meet her in her room I went, she opened the door and I sat on the couch by the window. When she got out she had on a red lingerie rob. It was sexy and she looked beautiful in it. I felt dirty. I felt wrong. I was there just gazing and she reminded me of the presentations. As she got closer I got hot. She whispered in my ears "What's the matter big boy, can't control yourself?" She kissed me and I kissed her back. I don't know what got into me. We had sex and fell asleep in the same bed. I woke up that next morning feeling terrible. "What did I just do, I broke my wife's trust, I broke our vows". I got dressed left the hotel room and went to mines. I tried calling my wife to talk to her and tell her that I love her because I do and we didn't say that to each other for a while, but she didn't answer. (Look at updates because I'm running out of words)

Updates

+1 y

Fast forward, the girl told my wife before she left and I came clean and told her that I did. She looked hurt, but she didn't cry. What surprised me was that she was calm. In an argument, she would be the heated one. She took off her rings and started packing her clothes and our sons. While she was packing, I tried telling her that I didn't mean to and that was an accident. She wouldn't let me touch and I told her to stay, but she didn't she drove off and she filed divorce papers.

Updates

+1 y

I can't believe I'm getting a divorce. I tried talking to her, contacting her but she doesn't want to. Now that we are divorced, I go to pick up my son, she doesn't speak to me only when it pertains to my son well being. I try to make small talk, but she doesn't budge. She seems so much happier. I still love and care for her. How can I forgive myself?

[Fayeleo]

I know you must feel it is not worth losing a family for that night. But it was not an accident. It was your choice. A wrong one, but you chose doing it and you did it and now you had to face the consequences.

If you still love your wife, then keep doing what would help her and the kids without thinking being repaid in any kinds of ways. Do some deep self-reflection how that happened. Was there a marriage issue that you were trying to look away from? Was that due to your level of self-control? Was it mid-age crisis? Talk to a therapist if you can. Do not rush to beg your wife to come back. This is a huge thing and it would leave a scar forever in your relationship with your ex- wife. You both need time and reflections to digest what has happened. Before you figuring all that out, rushing to be back to her can be a sign of "dependency" "guilt" "fear of loss" but not necessarily love.

Be there for her and kids but keep a distance so you can think, she can think.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response. But I don't think she is ever going to take me back. Earlier this morning, I went to go drop our son off at hers because he had to get ready for school and I had to be at work earlier than usual. My wife is a teacher so he attends the preschool at the school she teaches so she was already up. Before I went over to her house, I stopped and got her favorite flavor of donuts and her favorite flowers. Prior to this, at midnight I asked this question and some suggestions, and one girl in the comments gave me a brilliant idea to write her a letter. I wrote her a handwritten letter right after. When I went to her apartment I rang her doorbell. She came out I said "Good morning" as our son ecstatically ran to her, she didn't say anything. I just wanted to make small talk. She just greeted my son. She didn't even question the flowers or the donuts. Again she didn't even acknowledge my presence. My wife likes to wear silk robes. For our 1 year anniversary, I got her a custom-made robe, embroidered with her name on it. She wore that every morning when we were married. Even when we argued and were distant she always wore it. She didn't always wear it because that was her only one. Oh no she had a variety. When I went to her this morning, she didn't have it on. Knowing her, I knew she discarded it. Just like everything else that reminded her of me.

[Asker]

She grabbed his clothing bag out of my hands again not saying a word. Before I could've mentioned that I brought the things for her she quickly closed the door. I stood there drowning in guilt and depression. I went to my car and I cried. I cried because of one stupid choice I made and like you said I had to deal with the consequences. I had lost the woman who loved me, supported me, and was loyal to me. But nevertheless, I'm not going to give up. I was thinking of maybe asking her out sometime. I had in mind that we would both go together with our son to the beach or park so our son could spend some time with both of his parents and maybe I could talk to her one on one. Sure it's going to be hard to a). Talk to her or ask her and b). Accept her no because she will say no if she talks to me.. Do you think that's a good idea?

[Fayeleo]

Good to hear that you seem to take up your father's duty. That's positive. I am sure after what happened you definitely do not want to fall on the fatherhood side for your kid.

Her reaction is kind of expected and justified, isn't it? I do not know how much time has passed from the infidelity to now, but the fact that she chose divorce immediately somehow tells she has zero tolerance for that. The journey to get her back will not be easy, it at all possible.

You can choose to try the best you can, but she has all the rights not to give you a second chance, ever. The whole "flower" "donuts" or "asking her out" might be seen from her angel as some clear moves to get her back and most likely she will refuse when the agony is still there.

I would advise to go "low key" in approaching her - you two do have a kid so some interactions will need to happen. Tell her simply that you will be there for the kid, you are very sorry for what you did but you are doing your best to be there for both of them. Right now, avoid talking about you and her, dont buy her stuff. If it is her bday just a message would do but dont overdo it. Just show her that you are a responsible dad and can be a counted-on person for her.

Only when her anger subsides, you can get to talk to her and resume what had to lead to all of these things. Letter is a good thing, but it might also remind her of what has happened and the pain associated to it which she might desperately wants to leave it behind.

[Fayeleo]

[continued]

On a side note, unless you are a very casual man who easily strays, you also need to think why you cheated at first place. 3-year marriage is not enough long to get the cheating in. You two are fairly new couple. The newborn might be a reason, and you mentioned that she was intimidating and is a hothead. If that is your true feeling - you sure she was the woman you really see as a long-term partner? Was there a reason for you to cheat? Would getting-back together be a good idea after all or history might repeat itself?

In all cases, I would say prioritize the kid for now and demonstrate to her that you are trust-worthy at least for the part of being there for them. With time when you come to speaking terms, ask her if she wants to hear your version of what happened between you two and whether any form of couple counselling is an option for her.

[Asker]

Yes, she does absolutely have all rights to not give me a second chance or take me back. I knew my wife way before we got married or met. She was always known as the intimidating, tough girl who was very smart and the no bullsh*it tell you how it is type of person. I met her in college and we actually weren't even friends for the four years we were in college. I'd say we hated each other. Or at least she hated me. I actually liked her aggressive strong personality and I liked her. We would be put up against each other in everything, and she always won. She always was competitive. Now reflecting I guess I can say I only liked her because she was challenging. She challenged me and I liked it. No doubt about I did fall in love with and I still do love her. The girls I've dated in the past after college was very easy. They weren't difficult or anything. They just were basically a "yes man". They didn't share the same interest that I had like my wife back in college. Everything I was interested in she was too. like debates, and speeches. and I kind of liked that about her. We had everything in common. I can fairly say that the reason I may have cheated was that I was being selfish.

[Asker]

I didn't plan my whole cheated scandal. If I knew when I went into that girl's room and ended up coming out there like a dirty, cheating bastard I would've never gone. I guess before being married, I didn't realize that this type of commitment was serious. I was dumb enough to realize that one mistake could end up losing the only girl I love. But I do agree that it is right to prioritize our child. Despite what happened between his mother and I, I won't stop being there for them. We do talk, but it's just strictly about our kid. nothing more or nothing less. She doesn't speak to me about her personal life. When she texts me about our son I always ask "So how was your day?" or "How's it going?" to general make small talk, and most importantly, because I genuinely want to know. What I'm most afraid of is when she moves on. When she finds someone better than me. Seeing them treat and take good care of my wife will hurt me. Especially seeing him love and take of my son like he is his own child. If this does happen how should I deal with it?

[Fayeleo]

The fact that you two are divorced now. You need to know that sooner or later she might date someone, or someones. If you truly love that person and want her happiness after all what happened to her, I think you should be happy for her. I know it is hard, but be happy for her. As for you, I would also think you can start seeing some people whenever you are ready. Your persistence in getting her back might just be the deep regret you are having right now after the mistake and you might overlook what led to the affair in the first place - the issues in the marriage that you two did not deal with. As for your boy, as long as you are present in his life, he will always be your son and it does not hurt having one more person loving him and that person will not replace you as a father.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Conquer it? You can't undo what you did. Where you should have conquered it was when you got invited to that girls room and by "it" I mean your libido.

You had a family and you tossed that away on one night of sex. One night. Think of those nights you could have been spending with your sons in the future are now most likely gone for one single night.

I won't beat you up anymore on this. The next steps are up to your wife. You can apologize until you are blue in the face but in the end it is ultimately up to her what she chooses to do. For your sake, maybe you can convince her to try therapy with you.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Last update additions: you are going to have to find a way to move on yourself. Still seek therapy even if it is without her.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response. No doubt about it I am beating myself up. So that's okay. This incident happened a week ago. Where I'm from when someone files for divorce the couple must meet and have a session with a therapist to get everything out and to see if they will make up. I got there first and then she came. The therapist asked us if we needed to say anything to each other. I apologized and I told her that I didn't mean to hurt her and that I hope she can forgive me. She didn't reply to me, hell she didn't even acknowledge my presence and the therapist asked if she had anything she would like to say to me and she replied with "no". After the meeting, I tried talking to her but again not a word. She treats me like a stranger. And tbh, it hurts me. It hurts to see my son having to be living in to separate housing sometimes. Sometimes he spends time with me and sometimes he spends time with her. I'm not going to lie, I love my wife so much and I want to make this right again. Even though it may be impossible, do you have anyways I can still talk to her about this before it's finalized?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Just remember that all that hurt you are experiencing, she is too. She had someone she thought she could trust but ended up not being that. It hurts her just as much to be out of her home and comfort as well as seeing your son forced into it as well. On top of that, she has also have to deal with the hurt and humility of being betrayed like that.

I honestly don't know if there is anything you can do or say. My only suggestion is to keep apologizing every chance you get. Not through your son, but from your own mouth. I'd say even write everything down in a letter. Explain how sorry you are and what your mind set was. Don't make it accusatory with things like "you were becoming distant". Use terms like we and us. The more you write in terms of life as a couple the more you get her in the mindset of thinking like one. When you talk about how "I did this" and "you did that" it becomes a reminder of the distance between your relationship.

Then again, she could completely rip it up without reading it and she would be completely within her right to do so. At least you can say you tried.

[Asker]

I know and I hate that I'm doing this and putting her and my son through this and thank you for the suggestions. Knowing her she wouldn't even read the letter and she would rip it up exactly and I don't blame her. I won't blame her if she got another man that will treat her better than me. I don't blame her for any of this. This was all my fault. I'm going to drop my son over at hers today, I will write her a letter and bring her some flowers, I know she would not accept them, but I can try. But thanks again for your honesty and your response. God bless you!

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Take care and best of luck

[Anonymous]

That was not an accident. You didn't crash any cars or equipment.
You cheated on her and then you want her back. That's not how it works.
You deserve all of the consequences.
Now deal with it and leave her be.

[Anonymous]

Live, learn and move on. And I agree, therapy will help you move on from this.