What would it take for you to forgive a cheating spouse?
- 565 opinions shared on Relationships topic.
A lot of time, and a lot of reassurance that what we could have is ever stronger than what they could have with someone else.
It also depends on the type of cheating. Are we going through a rough patch, kids, no sex, fighting for months and a hot young Thang makes him stumble one night? Much easier to get over than a 2 year coworker affair where I find out that woman thinks she's gonna replace me one day.
No partner is going to be your everything and as we go through life sometimes what we prioritize is different. People don't change over night, but you need figure out how to grow with your partner, else you risk growing apart.
Cheating in any form destroys trust, and then the question is does the cheater have the skills and patience to build it back without the traditional 'incentives' (sex whenever, adoring looks, partner initiating physical touch etc.) If you break it, you have to fix it before it works, then you have to maintain it so you can finally enjoy the relationship again.
I think usually most dont change, but that some people are capable of change. Maybe you'd get lucky and the person 'cheated' but it was a horrible experience and they genuinely never want to do it again.
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I’ve been emotionally cheated on three times. Two of them were from my ex and the last one was from my current boyfriend. My advice is to move on bc continuing the relationship is like being in a constant battle with urself. You will see them in a whole new light (a terrible one) bc now u know they are capable of hurting u in the way they did. No matter what they say, you’ve heard it before and doubt everything nice or sweet they say about you for a very long time. It has been two years since he cheated on me emotionally and I still have so many trust issues with him. Sometimes when everything is quiet, I wonder how he could’ve be so selfish and stupid and if it will happen again eventually.
It’s easy to say you would leave if someone cheated on u but u really never know until it happens. I think that you probably should given that it’ll take a really long time to build back up ur trust. For me, I think what made me stay is that I know he was just being stupid. I know he would never purposely hurt me ever and would do anything to keep me from getting hurt again like last time.
I'll tell story of someone I know in a high position at church whom cheated and what I know of how she forgave. I found it inspiring.
He, 50+ white male, cheated with multiple women at church... he was a bit of a "wolf". Some people have that "sales pitch" I guess. Point being... noplace is safe from corrupt humans and vulnerable women can fall prey.
He was fired immediately when was found out and encouraged into treatment. The family including children suffered as well.
He spent time working on himself and reflecting why and how and all that. He ended up writing about his ordeal, dealing with addictions/porn, the causes of those addictions, and leading a group to help other men in healing their "brokenness". Far too many fall prey.
Through time and understanding, they understood what lead to his behavior and she chose to forgive him because there was genuine remorse and change and chose to keep the family unit. They worked on their marriage and are still together. How good is it really, I don't know. How she found the strength to do that and get through it, I don't know. Maybe it helped they were at a mature stage in life.
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For sure if my wife cheated on me with someone else, I would not be happy with that, but who are we to judge? What is hurt is mainly pride, and the real problems would only be practical. Was it only casual, for the fun, because of an urge or crush? That would not bother me too much, hygiene set aside... But is she planning to leave? In that case what about the children and the possibly shared ownership of the house?
Now, let me state honestly that as far as I know it did not happen to me during the 38 years of marriage, and that in some particular cases it may even be some fun if she had a little crush for another lady, and talked about it, because of the slight possibility of occasional threesome fun. This is still only my fantasm of course ;0)
Oddly enough I met some men who actually were eager to watch their wife having fun with another man or woman... Yes, that seems to happen sometimes, although most men cheated upon would be very upset because of their pride being spoiled, and possibly because of their religious beliefs and engagements...
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- 1.2K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
It's not so much if you can forgive that person... It's what would it take to be able to trust that person again? Is it even possible to 100% trust someone after they've broken your trust?
People cheat, confess, and expect your instant forgiveness and trust. . It don't work that way..
Forgiveness means you'll try to move past the hurt and anger.. Doesn't mean you agree to set yourself up to be hurt again.
Those who decide to stay and try to work through it, both parties need to realize, it don't come automatically, it would take time, patience, better communication, understanding the trust if possible to be rebuilt will take effort and time...
Me personally, I'd forgive but don't think I could forget enough to be able to stay in that relationship..
I'll give you my trust, but once you break that trust, it's hard for me to be able to trust again. And no trust=no relationship.. No relationship can survive without trust.. - 503 opinions shared on Relationships topic.
If we're going based on the specific definition, then it would take time. Time for me would help remove or dampen the upset feelings towards them. As I would be really trying to cope with my pain.
But I would never treat them as if I fully trust them afterward. People who betray me lose certain privileges for life. Ones that are mostly never reinstated. - 8.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic. u
If she was close to certain death, I might consider it as a humanitarian gesture and not because she deserved it.
- 1.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
Forgive but Not Forget. xx
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I’m currently in the same situation. I took her back but I have no plans on forgiving or forgetting. The reason being she had no remorse, tried saying she was the victim and it was rape. Women never want to take accountability. She refuses to say she cheated. She hates the word. She only admitted it through text and just says sorry. It’s basically impossible to forget cheating. Everytime you have sex with them, you will be reminded that she did it with that other person. Most of the time they do sexual things they never would have with you. Those things that were “off limits” for you, she did it with them. Every sexual act, everything was intense and intimate. She currently believes that I will forgive her if she cooks/cleans/does all the sex acts I want. I won’t. I will eventually leave her for another woman. I’m just enjoying sex. It was really hard for the first few months to get over it, but it’s so much better knowing that she’s wasting her time with me in a relationship that has no future. That’s the sweetest revenge. I don’t feel bad at all. She had a month long relationship with another person and lied about it, made me feel guilty for questioning her loyalty, and when caught, showed zero remorse. I tried leaving her after a month. She realized that she had nothing to go back to and would rather be with me. You can never forgive cheating. You will always remember. You will suffer so much by staying with a cheater. You will always be looking behind your back, scared they are texting another person and cheat again. You will literally get PTSD. Is it worth it?
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When you cheat (man or woman) you are entitled to absolutely nothing. You committed a violation and literally a crime against marriage. You are not entitled to forgiveness. You are not entitled respect. And you sure as hell are not entitled to sympathy.
There is only one thing you can do: own up to it, make zero excuses and accept the consequences. Accept that your spouse might justifiably leave you. That actually shows some respect to your spouse which you blew up from your shitty decision. If I knew beyond a 100% doubt that was my wife’s position I might have pause about my decision.
Some people act all surface remorseful because they expect the other person to have leniency. It’s called crocodile tears and it comes from a place of conceit. That’s wrong. - 2.2K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
For Them to be out of my life , eventually I would forgive them but I will never forget , I would never take a cheater back into my life , if they cheat on me and I don’t find out about it and they still want to be with me , they better keep that shit buried and to take it to the grave and make sure I don’t find out , Why a cheater would want a partner back is beyond me , the cheater should already realize to themselves that they don’t love and value their partner if they can cheat on them , so why waste their time being with someone they truly don’t love and value , People that can cheat and go back to their partners are the biggest pieces of shit on the planet to me
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Once a cheater always a cheater.
Her and the marriage would loose all meaning to me immediately, if the relationship continued in anyway it would just be toxic so what's the point. No matter what I'd get a divorce.
Maybe treat her to a version of the old " you want to smoke huh? Here smoke a whole carton!" Punishment.
But the truth is no matter how many women I fucked in front of her or how many degrading sexual acts I made her do, I would never really forgive her, so there would be no point, she'd just have to pack her shit and get the fuck out of my live. - 772 opinions shared on Relationships topic.
I can't forgive someone for who they are. They have to stop being that person, at which point there would be nothing that apparently needs forgiveness. However, as they'd have violated my trust there's nothing they could do to convince me that they have changed as much of the positive things I assume about other people's characters depends on me giving them the benefit of the doubt, which I would no longer give them. So, nothing they can do would be construed as anything other than something they could just as easily fake doing. Maybe after 10 years of them living a solitary life of atonement, while indie whatever I wanted woth my own life, I might think they are serious. Short if that, I can't think of anything and even then I'd be 50 and the whole concept of sex in relationships would take on new meaning.
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Forgiveness is not the primary problem. I stay shocked that people still fall into this mindset that is a trap. The problem is trusting them again. I sound so cynical when I say this, and I hate to come across as a cynical person. This trust issue is why I don't encourage reconciliations. They rarely work. A betrayed person has 2 basic options going forward. Become more like a prison warden or accept the fact you can't trust that person and move on. I have NOT seen any couple reconcile and have it last much over 30 months. The pressure that's on both people is intense. Then the relationship implodes. When this happens the relationship either ends or the couple become essentially roommates and eventually become madhatters, (both cheat). Best to try to stay as close as possible to be friends, but move on.
- 1.3K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
It would depend on why and what are her further intentions.
I've forgiven in one relationship and it bit me again.
I forgave in another and it strengthened into the best relationship of our lives.
A little mercy goes a long way.
Some are just serial cheaters and it will never improve. Some are poor judgement and can be salvaged.
A lot of self righteousness in this thread. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe not cheating but everyone fucks up. I'm sure a lot of self righteous firebrands in this thread will be begging for mercy not so far from now.
Thinking your better than others is a sure way to finding out the truth. -
Cheating means crossing a boundary. People’s boundaries vary so therefore what they classify as cheating would vary too. But I digress. If you knowingly cross a boundary of mine, that shows you don’t respect me, which essentially means you SHOULD be kicked to the curb as I won’t disrespect myself my dishonoring my boundaries. I won’t hate you but I’ll want nothing to do with you.
- 498 opinions shared on Relationships topic.
Strong self worth that isn’t dependent on possessing another person 100% 109% of the time. mid also like to make sure they’re genuinely happy in our relationship too though. Don’t want them feeling trapped and needed to cheat to feel alive. That is sad.
- 4.5K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
Not Married: Later
Married: She says Affair is over and I’m sorry. What are you going to do? Frailties are and Error is.
-Either one in their Individually is committed or one is not. Be the one that is committed. Do you really think it will be better when you are Single❓
-I can still love her when she fails or makes poor choices.
🤷🏻♂️ - 865 opinions shared on Relationships topic.
Absolutely nothing but if he insisted, then he would have to invent a time machine (so I can go back to 2006 and never meet my ex boyfriend) and find a potion that can make me stay the same age for eternity.
Until he doesn't do those two things, forget it then it's never. -
Usually there’s a breakdown in communication beforehand unless it’s just a drunken one night stand. If it’s a long standing issue, we would have to have a serious talk about making changes together and agreeing to those changes. A lot of times the person who cheated will just blame their spouse or circumstances on their cheating. There’s no way you can work with that. Some people do cheat once, and only once, and are so full of remorse that they’ll do anything to get their partner back in their good graces. Those usually work out.
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I find it extremely hard to trust people in general (including partners), so it takes looong time to start trusting them with no reason not to.. now imagine if they did something like cheating 🤪 bye bye trust forever, and I'd like to see relationship which can work with no trust 🙃 so yeah.. if she cheats, that's it 😢
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I tried to forgive an ex before for cheating. I couldn’t. Mentally I wanted to but emotionally I couldn’t.
- 2.4K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
This is a really hard one. I have this thing in me that when I found out someone's true colors is like my feelings for them are immediately erased in that moment. If he truly wants me he has to deserve me he would have to fight for it and show his regret and make sure this will never ever happen again otherwise I would leave him for good and vanish and he wouldn't be allowed any access to me in his life.
- 1.7K opinions shared on Relationships topic.
Forgive vs. stay with the spouse and keep her as a married partner are different things.
Cheating would be a 100% deal breaker. There is nothing that could ever be done for me to stay with her. Divorce... would be non-negotiable.
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