How do you and your SO resolve conflicts?

[SecretsofKB]

Do you talk through it? Do you end up in a fight?

[DonkeyDan]

Depends which SO we're talking about.
My ex wife and I argued a lot despite having good communication, if she didn't like something she'd start yelling which set me off. I'm pretty laid back and I'd prefer to just talk it out, but she really knew which buttons to push to wind me up for an argument.
Sometimes she would do it deliberately just to get me angry, she had this thing where she really liked angry sex. We'd calm down and resolve whatever the problem was but she knew I was still annoyed at her for starting it, then she'd initiate sex and id always give in but would take it out on her with rough sex. It was really unhealthy, which is what ultimately led to the end of the marriage, we just couldn't tollerate eachother anymore.

My current partner, if you can call her that, is much calmer and level-headed so we just have a conversation and come to a resolution calmly and peacefully. We've always sworn to be totally honest with eachother and say what is on our minds, rather than bottling anything up. Life is much more peaceful now 😊

[Ronni69]

Well…. Every argument in a relationship ALWAYS starts with anger, frustration, and raised voices. Even though they say not to do it that way it is unavoidable. Neither side can control it. But….. the time to resolve comes after a cool down period. And just because you have calmed down doesn’t mean the other has. So if your ok, wait for him or her to come to you or speak first. That is when you can talk it out without the yelling and screaming. But you have to listen to each other’s side. Let him or her talk first, then you. Discuss your feelings on the issue, and what you would like to change or how. Being married for almost 10 years I have some experience with this. He always calms down first but it takes me longer, I think things over in my head before I speak because I don’t want to say anything that I will regret. One thing he does is he will come try to kiss me or keep saying I love you and expects me to reciprocate. Of course I love him but I’m still mad at whatever situation it was and I don’t want to be forced to get over it. Say your sorry and then wait for the other person to be ok first and vice versa. Getting through it involves listening , discussion and compromise. I always feel better when I get things off my chest that have been bothering me. It’s not good to keep things bottled up for long. Imagine your issues being a like a cup of water. The more you add to it the fuller it gets, and when it gets too the top it overflows.

[WhatTheHeckkkk]

We talk through it.
It’s very rare that we have conflicts, but if one of us have something that we disagree upon on might start a fight… We say, “Okay, we need to talk about this. It isn’t the end of the world but we need to figure out how we can compromise, or fix it.” And we end the conversation with “I love you.”
We don’t let things escalate, ever. We both have been in relationships and families who escalated conflict and we don’t want to repeat that.

[Jamie05rhs]

💚💛💜

[HighlyVolatile]

My wife and I share a communication style that's very conflict-averse. We've never fought as a result. We have our share of disagreements but we talk in a way where we're not trying to win or prove each other wrong.

It's all about sharing our opinions in a way that doesn't make things so much about right vs. wrong. We also both have a big sense of humor so there tend to be lots of laughing, teasing, and hugging when we disagree. Both of us also have zero interest in debating.

That's the case for me even though I excelled in debates during university. In fact, that might be why I'm especially disinterested in debating with my loved ones because I found through defeating my opponents in debate during uni that -- while I won over the audience and I won over the judges and often unanimously -- I didn't win over the favor of my opponents who lost to me. It's the worst approach to communication if we're trying to become closer to each other. So I never debate with my loved ones.

[Jamie05rhs]

I think there's a difference, though, between debating to win and debating to inform each other.

[HighlyVolatile]

@Jamie05rhs I find a different communication style can even do that more effectively with our loved ones. We can share our data, so to speak. Debating fundamentally relies on voting on a winner.

[Jamie05rhs]

@HighlyVolatile What would you suggest as an alternative to debating, then?

[HighlyVolatile]

@Jamie05rhs Sharing! Like one of the closest times I ever got into a fight with my wife involved me being late to a party. She came home all frantic and I wasn't ready but I didn't even remember we had a party that day. Then she said she told me that like a week ago and you know, if she did, I probably just wasn't listening to her. Sometimes she has a habit of talking to me when I'm doing other things so I go, "Uh-huh, yep!" but the words she says aren't actually registering in my brain at all.

So I shared with her that and then she said I should listen more, and I told her I can't multitask that well. Then she said it's rude in Japan to show up late to a party and I told her I'm Americanized from living in the US for so long and she can blame me for being late.

Then she said some things I can't remember but we hugged and kissed and laughed and actually I was like, "Okay, let's go to the party! We're already running late!" Then she was like, "Who cares!" Then I swapped and I was like, "I care, I wanna see my friends!"

[HighlyVolatile]

@Jamie05rhs After that she developed a habit of putting things on our calendar like that so that I never forget and she knows to remind me like 2 days in advance, not whole week, and also remind me just 1 day in advance, and remind in the morning again on that day.

[HighlyVolatile]

And you know, what does it matter if we don't agree on everything? My wife is sort of bad at math from my biased standpoint as a STEM type. But I am bad at history and especially Japanese history. So I say like, ninjas are cool! I am ninja! Wayah! Then my wife tells me ninjas were bad people and I'm like, "This isn't about right and wrong and I probably already know that! I like ninjas! Wayaaahh!" Then she's okay with that. Nothing to debate here.

[Jamie05rhs]

Thanks for sharing!

I'm glad you guys figured out the calendar thing. That's something I would just do automatically, because I am a strong believer in planning and organization.

[D_Bone_Steak]

Usually, it goes like this... I try to talk it out logically, she either sees my point and concedes or... she'll get defensive, denies anything, starts trying to gaslight me, makes emotional appeals that don't really make sense, tries to outright ignore me, and that's when I just let her calm her tits and then I try it again... just keep it to the facts. The secret I've learned over the years is don't respond emotionally myself, even if it pisses me off.

If I'm in the wrong, I fix it or start the negotiating process.

I'm usually not in the wrong though... or when I am (say for drinking too much [insomnia]), I start working on fixing it... if she's right, I usually don't fight her on it. In the past though, she has made me emotional by hitting me with something and not giving me any time to think about it by myself... basically pressures for an answer out of me when I don't know or I'm not sure about it yet... Like give me an answer right now type stuff. I'm more of the thinker type, she's more impulsive... so those arguments are like her making plans I didn't plan on doing, but she's included me in them all by herself anyways. Like a child that wants something they don't need and refusing to understand basically.

[lightbulb27]

talk and listen. Listening... did I say the word listening yet... and seeing her perspective is a big component, I've learned to let go of my fears and trust her judgement on many issues as so often she is right. She avoids creating conflicts in the first place by only focusing on the important things to values and quality of life... on those, she will hold her position firmly til I get it. Avoidance of creating conflicts is #1, listening #2. Gee... maybe our government leaders could learn from that...

I think the words "yes dear" work wonders... I agree, you are right about this, I trust your judgement..., etc..

Find common ground, find what you agree on. if you disagree, try to understand what you are disagreeing about. Most issues aren't worth stress.

[Ronni69]

I personally don’t like the “yes dear” it’s sarcastic. Lol

[SecretsofKB]

@Ronni69 same! I will say "yes dear" not out of endearment.

[CrazyGirl2]

Whenever an argument was clearly starting, we would just stop, take a minute, then I would allow him to talk uninterrupted until he had verbalized his what his dispute with me was, then I would explain my position, and how or why I thought/said/believed the thing that bothered him. When I was finished, I’d let him know, and he would counter my arguments with his own. Sometimes I would see that he was right, sometimes he would see that I was right, and often we would both see that we basically agreed w/ eachother but were talking cross purposes. In the rare instances where we simply disagreed, and knew that neither of us was going to change our minds, we just agreed to disagree, and moved on with our lives. Very rarely would it ever devolve into a yelling match… b/c then we just both lost!

[ChrisMaster69]

Invariably I go and hide lol.

I’ve always talked it through whenever possible,

very rarely fight as it usually ends up in verbal bollox from both of us.

i hate arguing as it’s an historical trigger from growing up and really fucks me over.

that pretty much means avoidance and or talking it through.

[SecretsofKB]

I truly hate arguing. No one wins and everyone loses.

[ChrisMaster69]

@SecretsofKB yep exactly.

[honeynut-scenarios]

Depends on how effected I am by the conflict. I’d like to ask myself first, if it’s even something worth getting upset over. When it is, I like to shut down, and distance myself to let things marinate for a while. After thinking things through, I’m able to have an effective conversation. Communication, honesty, and compromise are key.

[NathanDavis]

we just talk things through... we share our points of view, try to see both of them and find a middle point

and then, personally... I'll use any trick I've learned to defuse the situation rather than blow it up and end up in arguments that will lead us nowhere, if we cannot reach an understanding at the moment, at least we won't end up at a worse point with the whole situation... lol

[EmmaMary]

We have a hard fast golden rule that we will never go to bed on an argument, even if it meant staying up all night to resolve it.

Very, very fortunately indeed, we have not experienced having to do this in the eight years we have lived together.

[musicbrain5]

We will have our disagreement, usually spend some time apart, and talk things over later on after we’ve had time to think. I think knowing when to remove ourselves from a situation and then knowing when the other is ready to talk again - calmly - helps us tremendously.

[Shy80sgirl]

We’ve been together a long time, so often times we have an idea of the root of each other’s anger. However, we often have to take a moment and leave the room to calm ourselves prior to addressing the other’s who view we don’t share at the moment. I’m sure there are problems that cannot be resolved, but most can.
Remember to have your points in a row, what is upsetting you, what do you think needs to be done, and how they can assist in the process.

[ohshee]

You know what this is a really good question but the only way you're going to get a really good answer or to resolve anything is you have to be honest if one of you are not honest then that's going to piss off the other one and you just keep going around and around and around but if you're both straight-up honest you can resolve it's very quickly

[Agape93]

Admittedly in the beginning, it was largely arguments. She kept pushing my tolerances and limits, lying and other shit, and i kept pushing back. Eventually we came to an understanding and so now we usually talk it out or walk off and do something separate for a while.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

It really depends on that the conflict is about. A lot of it can be done non verbally. Sometimes a look is enough to just let the other know we disagree.

[SecretsofKB]

Oh yes! We don't hesitate give each other "the look" when the other needs to zip it lol. Usually very effective.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Lol I think I'm better at the non verbal and she is way better at the "yell so loud I wake the dead" method

[SecretsofKB]

Haha I would say I'm a bit better at it too. But we're both getting better at it together. But if it comes to that yelling contest, I lose decisively.

[SaoirseS]

Conflict is rare, but when it happens we talk it through and work it out.

[SecretsofKB]

I can say the same thing, honestly. We don't have issues often, and they are almost always resolved quickly they taking through them if we do... usually lol

[SaoirseS]

We're both of the mindset that we pick and choose our battles wisely lol

[SecretsofKB]

Exactly! The older I get, the more I realize most things aren't worth an argument. Not even close

[SaoirseS]

My fiance and I are enough alike we're compatible, but different enough to make it interesting :-) We communicate, which is key

[SecretsofKB]

That's the absolute best way to be.

[SaoirseS]

The last point of "conflict" was our wedding venue. We settled it like two mature adults by playing rock, paper, scissors. He won fair and square lol.

[SecretsofKB]

I love that! Honestly, that's a better way to figure it out than most ways lol. I think it's a great sign that you two can decide something like that!

[SaoirseS]

Yes, that or cutting cards. Something like that. That way it's a 50-50 chance and the win isn't due to a battle of wills.

[JustiReno]

Negotiate, compromise, make trades or deals, I think our communication has come SO far in a year, we been through a lot as a couple, but I LOVE YOU @Darine123 !!!

[KatieB713]

Usually we will have a shout for 5 minutes, walk away to cool off for 5/10 and then we will discuss it

[FriendlyDrugDealer]

Through genuine conversation. If you’re trying to “win” than cooperate then you’re not helping in a productive way

[Northernlights25]

Hopefully talk through it maturally and allow both points of view to be heard before trying to reach a consensus. The goal should always be to figure it out together rather than just winning an argument.

[CallmeTheKnight]

You're supposed to realize what the problem is and talk it over with action to resolve.
Anyone trying to win or prove a point is just as mature as a child.

[RebeccaBI2000]

In my last relationship, we always agreed to talk about things and never go to sleep angry at each other

[Puppystarfish23]

We argue and then we don't talk for a while, I cry then we talk it out and then we're friends again.