When I was younger, I used to believe that if your partner truly loved you, they knew your feelings or needs (they were able to read you like a book). Obviously, I knew it was false, but the idea that your partner being able to read your body language and nonverbal cues was desirable. I learned that being direct and upfront about your needs and feelings is SO important in a relationship, because not everyone can understand exactly what you’re feeling or needing.
What's something you used to believe about relationships, but no longer do?
In the past, and I'm talking about (forty years ago) when I was in my twenties, I got married in my late twenties and we both did our rolls. I would get up every morning and go to work so I could pay the bills just like everyone else, the wife was an at home wife for quite a while. This was a routine I found myself in for a number of years but now my oldest son was born, and everything changed. Please take my opinion on this if nothing else, if you are a young couple, please be prepared in both your minds that a child could happen, and I was not I could handle it mentally but financially I was in for the ride of my life. We started noticing that we didn't have any money to do the things we used to do, and I mean we had no money until I got my second job, I wanted my wife to be at home raising the kids. My life was so routine it was terrible, and I took everything for granted (wrong thing to do) I was paying zero attention to the wife, and we ended up divorcing but that's a whole new story. What I am trying to say is please if you indeed in love the woman you're with, please do not take her for granted. There is also an easy fix for this, pay attention to what she is doing show an interest in what she is doing stop somewhere on your way home from work and pick up a simple card saying how much you love her and appreciate what she does at home for you or get her some flowers just for the hell of it. Now I just want to say that I'm no expert on this subject, but I know for a fact that you need to show them that you are not losing interest in them by doing nothing at all for them and all it takes is to do something small for them and if you have a loving relationship your actions will be appreciated... Let me get off my soapbox and just say, what it boils down to is that in my relationship I took everything for granted because I just thought that was the way it was but I will Never Do That Again!!! If you find yourself in a rut, do something about it before you lose something or someone you love...
No one ever gets into a relationship for the sake of the other person. I used to think there were whole swaths of people out there eager to see limits on their free will so they could exclusively focus on the care and comfort of other people - and ultimately their immediate family. This last bit might even be true but it doesn't seem to be the case that anyone mistakes it for love so much as one of many natural reactions to the existential despair that effects us all.
Anyway, when I realized everyone only seemed to be in it for themselves is when I realized that I, too, am only in it for myself so if that is to be a criticism then we need to figure out how the standard makes sense. Why shouldn't we be in it for ourselves when it comes to relationships, at least initially? Perhaps it is wisdom more so than something to criticize, as ensuring both have have something each other wants helps keep them together long enough to figure out they like each other being around enough to make some concessions to keep them - which is still only doing it for themselves but such is how cooperation works. And thus a relationship blooms.
This is probably obvious to everyone else from the age of 8 but was a stunning revelation to me at like 20.
When I first met my husband, I assumed that our entire lives would be just as they were when we first started dating: lots of laughing lots of time with friends, generally no arguing whatsoever. Since being married, we have moved a couple of times, we have changed jobs a couple of times and we have kids. All of that is wonderful and has been for the better of our relationship and home life, but when you add more factors into a relationship, I now know that you may find conflict on how to handle the facets of your life together.
That it would be easy, especially if you truly loved each other.
Yeah, that's far from the truth. Even with love, it's still hard. I love my partner with all my heart and they are the one I want to marry someday, but it is still hard sometimes.
As a child I thought the purpose of a relationship was physical beauty and that if a guy was attracted to you, you would not have to work hard to make things work, as an adult I know love must be worked out and earned because how many people would marry someone who does not do house chores or work or care for kids and family members or keep a healthy and fertile body if they want kids?
@Blubbyrain it’s just when your a kid, you don’t have responsibilities and you don’t have to work to attract guys cause you can stay slim without exercise or diet, you don’t need a job to have money, you don’t need self control to be a decent person, and you don’t have to do chores and I’m closer to God now so I stopped caring about looks for the most part.
Maybe something like love was enough, could conquer all problems and differences. I don't know if I actually did believe that, because I was always a realist and tended to see the dark even more than the light. But I probably had more faith in this idea before than I do now.
I used to believe that there was someone for everyone. But that would assume that most women (99%) actually want relationships and that most men (99%) are actually deserving of relationships. I've long since learned that no, there is not only not "someone for everyone," but that a LARGE percentage of men (maybe 25-33%) will NEVER find someone to love them or appreciate them. And yes, I am in that 25-33%, due to things entirely out of my control, like my looks being undateable.
I also used to believe that most women were straight (heterosexual) and would make decent enough potential dating partners. And *technically* that is true; most women are straight, technically. But as it turns out, almost 20% of women are queer/"bisexual," which means they're just lesbians and completely undateable to any self-respecting man and non-cuckold.
So at best (not counting all the other stuff on 'The Spectrum'), only 80% of women are actually attracted to men. And a good 50% of THOSE women are probably already dating or married. Meaning, at best, 40% of women are single and straight nowadays, and I'm also pretty sure that more than 40% of modern women are awful, highly incompatible with most men, and very much unsuitable for dating or relationships (maybe 50%).
Which means, 1 out of 5 women are lezzies, 1 out of 2 women are taken and off the market, and probably more like 1 out of 2 modern women under 35 are undateable for any decent man out there (feminists, woke, slutty, disrespectful, immature, selfish, etc).
Which explains why dating sucks so much nowadays (not even getting into how much some of the men suck or end up being male feminists and/or abusive).
I learned that having feelings for someone, should not immediately correlate to dating that person (if in any case the feeling was mutual). *The LDR I had started online and ended online. Of course I should have known better, but I never felt that attraction before.
I also learned that romantic relationships only reach to a functional sexual activity, if there is trust (trust in yourself, trust in your partner). *Our sexual life was a mess. I didn't understand why, because it was only online. It wasn't the real deal. I later on I understood that she had deep rooted fears I didn't help to vanish. I screwed it up badly in the sexual sphere, due to my own fears.
I learned to let go and to accept that everyone move on, differently. *All what we build, turned into ruins. Then from her I knew that she met another guy online, few months after we definitely breakup. She kept it as a secret to me, for an entire year (1 year later after they started dating). She get to know the guy in person, but it lasted 2-3 years as well. Anyway, I wish her the best. Is not like I could be with her, ever. Without knowing, things were only gonna get worst for me. Despite the breakup and the one year secret, I forgive her and move on, but I never saw her the same way again.
my first relationship came "out of nowhere" and before it, I wasn't interested on relationships, I didn't think of them... so I never really built any misconceptions or ideals in my head
then, the second relationship kind of happened the same way, I was not planning for it not expecting or looking for it, and since the two happened at very different points of my life and they went a bit differently I just realized that there's no clear "guidelines" or ways a relationship should be
instead of believing, or expecting or trying to predict people or relationships, I rather focus on them at the moment and see how they actually they go as they go
Before I answer, it isn't love that causes you to know what your partner is thinking, feeling or in need of. it's taking the time to really get to know them properly. For example, when you know your partner so well that you can complete each other's sentences! I use to believe there was just one person in the world who you were suited to be with. After I had my heart ripped out, I learned there are literally thousands, possibly even millions of potentially suitable options. It's nowhere near as difficult as some would have you believe to find someone great you can spend your life with.
I used to believe patience was key, then realized, after giving up my smartphone, by choice, and largely only using my phone for calls, audio, GPS, etc., that nearly any man or woman's "relationship" will always be competing with a computer (often 2, as a pocket isn't convenient enough & many now need one on their wrist as well) for attention nearly every moment of the relationship, with few real, true moments alone with each other, or even just our local surroundings & I'd rather be single forever with a devoted focus to my passions than have a relationship where my attention is fractionally shared nearly the entire relationship against a computer aka digital drug.
That a woman who needs me to be happy loves me. I no longer think that's really love so much as addiction. So I came to value women who don't need me to be happy but choose to be with me anyway. They seem to have the ability to make a more conscious choice.
Hmm. That's an interesting one I not sure I understand. Should the woman you are with be happy? And do you mean you are unhappy with all women or you just hate life or something? Lol... What about balance? Normal humans have a range of emotions. Understandable if you are never happy, she might be affected. Unless you are both psychopaths 🤭.
Or is it in a romantic sense where her happiness is enough for you? Lol
@LovingLoverReturned With my wife as a prime example who doesn't need me to be happy, she has her own world: her large share of friends of her own, her own career, her own passions and pursuits. She has her own world and doesn't revolve her life around me. She shares her world with me, as I share mine with hers, but we both met each other in stages of life where we were completely happy on our own (and were actually close friends for a year before we started dating).
That feels more genuine to me in terms of love over some of my needier exes. I had one ex for example who had no friends of her own except her sister, and no real ambitions, and she made me feel loved by constantly saying I'm the only person in the world who makes her really happy. But she'd also become extremely unhappy if I was spent a weekend with my friends, even though I invited her along. At some point, it felt too much like she needed me too much in order to be happy. And it no longer felt so much like a conscious type of love as just a need, and one I couldn't satisfy 24/7.
@LovingLoverReturned As an analogy, I have become somewhat addicted to alcohol during the COVID lockdown. I made the mistake of drinking at home one weekend when I was formerly a social drinker. Now I no longer love alcohol. I actually hate it. But I "need" it to avoid suffering withdrawal. That's not a healthy relationship and one based on a healthy and conscious desire. It's an addiction, and one I need to overcome since I shouldn't need alcohol to be happy.
@LovingLoverReturned I often wish this site had an editing function! I think I could clarify things a lot better as well as correct some mistakes I only notice in hindsight. Example:
* But she'd also become extremely unhappy if I [/just] spent a weekend with my friends [...]
I always want to correct things after I write them but can't. :-(
The pimp game IS no different than relationships except its the honest not PC offensive truth.
For example a man with a girl on the corner or a girl in an office is the exact same thing. Using a woman for financial gain is always pimping if you control the money or cuckoldry if she does.
Get over the nonsense love stuff. You will learn to love anyone who is good for you. You will fall out of love with anyone bad for you eventually (assuming you aren't on the beta simp spectrum).
The more feminine she is the more she will inspire you to be masculine and vice versa. Ultra important to keep and maintain long term sexual and romantic interest as well as personal self esteem and outward "value" in society.
I used to think it was a good thing to share a lot of common activities with my partner. Now I know it's not necessary. It's perfectly ok if she likes to run and I hate it, or I like golf and she hates it, etc. We don't need to do everything together. In fact, it's better that we don't.
I actually get really happy reading posts like this. You're an intelligent girl to learn that as young as are.
For me, something I used to believe about relationships was that you could always find out if someone would stick with you through thick and thin if you filtered well enough in the dating phase. Boy was I delusional lol.
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I grew up in a pretty normal family, relatively normal anyway. My parents never divorced and were both good parents, so I grew up with a positive view of marriage and believing divorce and infidelity were uncommon. Since then I have seen friend after friend get married and then have their wives cheat on them and/or divorce them and watched those guys be dragged through horrible stuff, most being treated unfairly in divorce and not having regular access to their own children. Their lives were just turned upside down. So I guess what I've learned is that women cheat a lot and marriage is not a wise choice for men today.
I used to never understand the concept of love not being enough. I used to think that if two people loved each other, they can make it work and be together. No problems made. You make yourself compatible for each other.
When I got older I realised that love from both sides is the bare minimum. You need soooo much more for a relationship to work, including respect and loyalty and patience... the list goes on. Love isn’t enough on it’s own. No sir.
That when you'll meet your special someone, it will be easy and obvious like in movies. I think I met mine but it was a huge mess so now I'm heartbroken...
I used to believe in the deep, passionate love that is shown in movies and TV shows. I now believe that those are just feelings of lust and such feelings often lead to bad decisions, in real life.
Settling some things, based upon physical attractiveness, will “cure or fix” that item or items. If it ain’t important to him/her to begin with THEN it won’t be later…”You knew to begin with.. I let you walk around my house to see how I live.” —If you give something “in love” it will be appreciated and respected.-Move on then if pressure to do so originates from fear of loss…As that ends in loss of respect and desperate unhappiness. 🤷🏻♂️
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Anonymous
(45 Plus)
+1 y
That women are not worth the effort. That's not slight against women. But she either likes you or she doesn't and if you're unattractive you're already a couple laps behind the avg. guy. So don't waste your time. If she's truly interested she'll make an effort for you. And never put any more energy than she's willing to put into you. The simple truth is even if she is interested. She's probably going to become bored at some point. So lose any notion of "forever". It's just not realistic today. Just enjoy the ride while it lasts.
Lol a 19 year old posting about when they were young... must be a repost.
When I was young I thought marriage was about love. And over time with love, honesty and loyalty everything works out.
FLASE, marriage is a buiness deal, even starts out all about love if divorce comes its a buiness deal.. and its actually probably one if the worst fianical investments you could ever make.
That great communication will fix everything. I'm an amazing communicator so good I'm apparently irritating. The other person wasn't so happy with my ability to convey my thoughts and feelings. But it's OK some people prefer to lay down the law rather than compromise! If they find someone who is happy with that great but unfortunately it didn't work for me!
I used to believe that with the right person love was easy and it just came naturally and everything would just fall into place but that is totally not true. Relationships take effort and work from both parties. Nothing ever just happens you have to make it happen.
I used to believe that "love at first sight" was a real thing because of all the movies and things that adults around me would say. I no longer believe this because I didn't feel attracted to my boyfriend at first and actually thought he was really weird and not cute at all. But over time, I grew feelings for him and began to think that he was really cute.
0
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Anonymous
(30-35)
+1 y
I am guilty that I believed that you could get someone to change and want to grow and make each other better people. That they would realise that they could be really happy with your support and love. You can't change someone who has issues and doesn't want to change. And you can't make someone want something you want.
Relationships is not about happiness, pleasure, and love with a happy face (Although they're important in a relationship and I am not excluding those things), I learned it's a big responsibility to survive the world with your spouse. Preparation for finances, Time, Respectful communication, faithfulness, and using wisdom are keys to success.
I used to believe that when someone made a promise the must keep it and if they have beliefs than they will stick by it forever but turned out to be wrong, i learned that people are liars and they can change all the time and never feel guitly to ruin you're life and gives you a simple explanation about breaking their promises such as "i simple have changed with time"... etc
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
that it was something that would come natural, you meet someone, like each other, get to know each other better and it involves into a relationship. That is still pretty normal, but as romance turned out to be something very unnatural to myself and I see how some friends also struggle making it work, I know it is not always simple.
1
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Anonymous
(25-29)
+1 y
The idea people only cheat because their needs aren’t being met in the relationship. One of my friends ex just wanted to sleep with other women with her because he can get away with it and it’s scandalous, along with another girl I know who was a dancer and she would tell me how many married men young and old would just be taking off rings etc, you will find a lot of people just do whatever if they believe they can get away with it, it’s very sad
That you had to be outgoing to find and get into one.
I also use to believe that if someone got into a good, healthy, and loving relationship after leaving a bad and abusive one would make everything better.
I used to think love exists even if very rare but it does Now I know it's fake it don't exist and it's over rated Plus it's also a chemical mix in your brain the chemical stops mixing you dont feel love it's that simple
I used to believe people, in general, cared about more than just themselves. That seems to be very hard to find nowadays. Even those who claim to be caring, giving people are often conditional... doing only to get something in return.
What I used to believe is that if someone says they love you then they wouldn't hurt you. Thankfully there are exceptions. Abusers take advantage constantly. Gracias a Dios my wife is an exception.
I used to think that romantic relationships were worth having. That they were important and necessary. I no longer believe this. Too many disappointments
After you get connected better to a person I feel like they do notice your nonverbal cues better in my experience but you shouldn't expect that from someone before developing that.
We have learned that even if you both are trying to approach a challenge in the relationship, that we have two different views on how to tackle it. That was very hard for us both to realize.
Very true, I pick up on body language and just assumed my partner would to. Everyone is different and you definitely have to express you feeling and need to your partner.
I thought that love wasn’t a choice and it never died. I think I watched too many movies as a kid. Now I know that love has an ebb and flow, it’s also something you cultivate.
that you should and can do everything in your power to make it work. sometimes it's actually better to call it off. everyone's different for no good reasons. part of relationship is about luck and finding what's best, doesn't always work out the first time or everyt time.
As a kid I used to believe most people were loyal or that most relationships were healthy. The older I got the more I realized we just didn’t see as much because we were kids.
That if certain authority figures in your life refer you to someone for dating purposes, they know what they're talking about. That has almost never been true.
I used to believe that adults want to be in a relationship because they love you, also that when adults have problems they are able to resolve them in a mature way.
I used tp believe that having a loving honest relationship with a woman was possible. I no longer believe that thanks to feminism, metoo, and hypergamy.
I'm terribly sorry that you had to experience toxic feminity. Because it exists but it's never talked about... I'm sure you'll find a great woman that isn't problematic
That they are the source of happiness in life. That you need the validation of another person to make you feel whole. I stopped putting women on a pedestal... expecting them to respond in kind. If they don't like me as I am, I leave immediately (friendship not required).
0
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Anonymous
(36-45)
+1 y
That women are in it for love. The reality is they are in it for security in the forms of physical protection, labor, money, etc.
What ever you do to girl, you will gain her trust? Your still suspicious and she can call the police for smallest reason or 1 second loud talk. I still other reason too. But still believe in them these things were true.
I used to believe I could lie in a relationship as long as I wasn't cheating it was alright. I know now that honesty is crucial in any relationship, especially with yourself.
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