Boyfriend earns WAY more than I thought, should I confront him, and how?

Question

So, when we moved in together we both laid out how much money we have available for bills after savings, and his was a little more than mine, so we were able to get a nice place and live a fairly comfortable life as long as we don't go silly, and we split all household bills 50/50.

Recently I found one of his bank statements and couldn't help myself, and I realised his income was over double the amount he said he had available, he literally puts half his pay in savings account, and there was LOT of money in this account.

I feel so mad about this, a lie of omission, we could be living a better lifestyle, or he could be picking up a bigger share of the bills.

I feel this is a betrayal of my trust that he kept this from me, how do I approach him about this?

Xoxocutekitty · Accepted Answer

I see 3 separate topics:

1) withholding of information - it's weird that he lied about his income, or perhaps you never directly asked but he lead you on to believe he was only capable of contributing so much, rather than being upfront with his own financial boundaries and savings goals. In a way you're lucky he's a saver and not a spender, but someone can save and have no intention of using that money with you so it can hurt just as much unless you talk about your combined future. He needs to own that he could have been more honest.

2) invasion of privacy - snooping around someone's financial statements is playing dirty. There's no way someone can react well to a legitimate invasion of privacy so you have to acknowledge that you're in the wrong here if you confront him. Don't "if or but", your way around it. If he accuses you, own it because this just looks bad anyway you spin it.

3) what do both of you actually plan on doing with the money. This is the only constructive conversation you need to have after hashing out #1 and #2. Start off the conversation asking him what he's saving for. Shut up, listen, it might be for you, it might be for an Xbox, it might be for his future family buying a house. Listen to him and don't try to change it. When he's done, you can tell him your own feelings about money (being opportunity) and tell him how you would spend money differently. Note the difference between his money and abstract money). its not about you paying less rent now, it's what you would want money for, maybe he's failing to consider a down-payment, a wedding, or an annual vacation. At the end of the day, you want the reassurance that you're living equal lifestyles and that you're both saving money towards a shared greater lifestyle.

He wants to know that you're not using him for his money, which in some ways is valid, but it's not particularly constructive unless he has a set idea of how long he needs to determine someones worth. At 1 year, Sure totally valid, at 5 years it starts looking like an unhealthy and imbalanced relationship.

Probably what he wants to see from you is the ability to save. Tell him that if you had more flexibility in your bills (maybe he helped out an extra $100) then you could put that money towards saving in a small joint checking account. Figure out ways for him to build trust in you and then let him reciprocate 2 fold.

If he can't handle these long term conversations, or you don't understand the gravity of why he's saving, then sometimes you'll realize you're in different life stages or that this relationship isn't as serious as you thought.

Kkstarzz96 · Accepted Answer

I guess if you are helping pay bills then I can see how that's frustrating regardless if it was a boyfriend or not it's just a matter of okay why do you even need me to help if you can help yourself just so you can grow a bigger savings account while I stay very little.

But he's your boyfriend so he doesn't have to be that level of transparent with you about how he handles his finances and you're living with him and this fight could easily be the ultimatum cause I know my mom was contributing more for me than my dad even though he made significantly more, and she felt like he wasn't an active dad, he only worried about himself, and thats a little weird cause okay maybe not my mom but I'm always going to be his kid so, if it's not even his kid he would just loosen his grip on his earnings, what will?

But if you guys are renting and don't own or he's renting whatever, then I would think saving half is good but I would bring up if you do talk about it, what he considers an emergency to tip into his savings, for example a car problem, or is it that he doesn't think this will work out long term, and either he wants to move out and pay his own bills, or he is planning to purchase a home, and he might ask you then if you want to get married. He is actively putting money down for something he wants and you should know what that is, so you don't feel screwed over. It's one thing he makes more than he said, but he's doing a calculated strategy to it, and thats going to reveal his intentions.

Obviously this won't be kept inside you for too long, and he put the papers out there to find any way, which men are so good at doing is leaving trails. So yes talk to him about it, and just listen, and if he doesn't have much to say on it, which is crap, then ask him directly why he lied, cause it was a lie. It would've been just as bad of a lie if he made less, it's the principal. People lie cause they think the people around them can't Handle the truth, what is the thing he doesn't want to share that is apparently so out of this world, that he can't tell someone whose helping to pay the bills that he is saving for X. And also may want to mention why you looked, did you already suspect something didn't make sense? You also have to say what your thoughts are when it comes to trusting him and respecting his personal things, is it that you want to believe you are already married? I might understand checking his phone if it was left open, girlfriends do that, but bank statements tells me you feel cheated as a room mate, or you want to be his wife and be entitled to all his stuff.

Lliam · Accepted Answer

A couple problems here.

You said that when you moved in together you both laid out how much money you had available for bills *"after savings"*.

Did you ask him what his salary was or how much of it he put into savings? My wife never asked me those questions before we got married. But then again, we didn't move in together before we were married. I didn't ask about her earnings or savings, either. It didn't even occur to either of us to ask those questions. A person doesn't want someone marrying them for their money. So I don't think it was a lie of omission for your boyfriend to not volunteer that information. Why would he?

Aren't you just happy to be living with him? Do you think you are entitled to more of his salary just because you are living together? What if you were boyfriend-girlfriend and NOT living together?

It's kind of scary when you say that you could be "living a better lifestyle, or he could be picking up a bigger share of the bills." Why are you entitled to a better lifestyle right now just because you are in a relationship?

He doesn't owe you. It would be different if you were married. And if you get married, he'll have all that savings with which to buy a house or whatever. He's saving for the future. And if you're his girlfriend, he has you in mind for the future.

It's a sign of financial responsibility that he saves half of his salary and doesn't piss it away on stuff. You should consider that a plus in his favor. And what about you? Would you like to spend beyond your means, run up debt, or spend someone else's money?

I think it would be a big mistake to confront him, admit that you looked at his bank statement, and now feel that you are entitled to more of his money. You weren't even thinking about it until you saw the bank statement, so why should your new knowledge make a difference?

If you are struggling to pay your bills based on you salary, you might mention that fact to him without bringing up your knowledge of his income. See if he will volunteer to help. But I wouldn't mention the fact that you looked at his bank statement. And I wouldn't act like he owes you something. You should just be thrilled to be living with the man you love and that he loves you enough to see a future with you as demonstrated by his moving in with you.

I'm just trying to help you think this through. Don't blow this relationship.

D_Bone_Steak · Accepted Answer

The classic woman... wants more and more. You said it yourself A) "better lifestyle," but is there really a need for that bullshit? What? More cars, a bigger house, stupid vacations like social media basic bitches do all the time just for pictures? Buy more superfluous bullshit maybe? Or, B) "he could be picking up a bigger share of the bills" ... yet earlier you said that's split 50/50 so what's the problem? You just want to keep more of what you make for yourself just because he could pay more than half? What kind of selfish logic is that?

Ask yourself exactly why a man would hide the true amount of money he's making from a modern woman and you'll find out it's because he'd be dealing with a woman being as you've become in this question for the guys. It's why I have philosophies like attract women with what you do at the gym, and not with your stuff or money... because you'll attract particular types of women with what you have to show. I'm not going to diss other men that just do it with money, but those fuckers are fools. They get divorced raped, trapped with child support and alimony, and talked into doing a bunch of fancy shit like vacations which is kind of gay. A chick that hooks up with you just because your a decent guy... probably not as much of that bullshit. The same goes for if she hooks up with you because you have muscles and like to shit talk. But if she gets with you for what you provide...

The classic woman... wants more and more. And she might break you in half and take half because the pool boy is cute and can provide all the basic living stuff. Never ever attract a woman with her greed for money. Otherwise, if she finds out you have some money taped under the toilet seat... she'll want to take at least some of it.

Now, this is girls ask guys so don't get all pissy when I gave you a guy's perspective. I understand why being a little upset about an omission is a thing... but look... now you know the money is there and you want it. Better lifestyle and him to pay more... you really going to be that selfish? He's happy with the lifestyle... but all of a sudden you want a better one? Why is that... if you know what I'm saying.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Did you ever ask him what his salary was, or did you just ask how much he had available to pay bills?

Anonymous · Answer

Okay, let's assume the rent is $1200/month. Are you paying $600 and he's paying $600? If so, why would he need to pay more? Is he some how living so much harder than you in your apartment/house? If you'd like to live a better lifestyle, why don't you find a job that pays more and you then can get after that because clearly he is comfortable living as you are now. If you are paying equal share, then all is well. He is not obligated to pay more just because he makes more because he isn't actually using up more of the resources than you are that would justify an increase in payment on his side.

---->TRUST ME<---- when I say this...don't blow up your life over this because he hasn't actually done anything wrong. Admitting to checking his bank statement without his permission and wanting him to pay more for no reason is only going to piss him off and feel like you're potentially gold digging. If you can't handle the relationship going forward, find ways to make more money to obtain the lifestyle you desire, move out, and do your own thing.

Screenwriter · Answer

WEll, you violated his privacy by looking at his bank statement. That's a betrayal too. He's saving his money and he told you what he had available AFTER his saving. He hasn't betrayed you. He was honest about what he could afford due to his financial goals.

Why do you think HE should be supporting a "better lifestyle" that YOU can't afford? Sounds like a double standard to me. He is SAVING more, which will pay off in the long run. Seems like your financial goals aren't similar to his. You want a "better lifestyle." He wants future financial security.

This guy seems to have a head on shoulders. You should appreciate him, or look for someone who'd rather spend now and suffer later.

You need to shut up about looking at his information, and accept what he's doing: saving money. Maybe he's saving it for a good reason: a house, a car, to have a safety net. OR, you should break up about the lifestyle you want now and reveal you've looked at his private information, which was stepping over the line and the REAL betrayal.

Prettygurl12 · Answer

I understand your point, but you're not married. Legally you're single and he's under no obligation to be open about his finances with you.

I know that's cold, but it's the truth. Marriage is not just a piece of paper as far as the law is involved. There are genuine obligations and expectations you are entitled to when you marry someone and you're not entitled to them when you're not.

Legally, you're roommates. Presumably you are currently living somewhere that you can afford given your current arrangement (50/50 bills).

The phrase, "Act your wage" comes to mind. I understand that you're upset, but legally you have no standing. You are living in an environment that you can afford. What he wants to do with his income is his business. He's choosing to - seemingly - live far below his means and that's his decision.

He is under no obligation to improve your quality of life unless or until you get married. You are not entitled to his finances until you get married. That's the long and short of it. I know that's cold, and I'd probably be mad if I were in your position as well, but that doesn't change the fact that you're completely separate entities regardless of how you may feel about it emotionally.

Anonymous · Answer

In my opinion, I think you should talk to him about how that makes you feel that he kept that from you. Finances and lies are difficult on a relationship. I think it would be good to know what he expects from you both financially in the future.

I know you're frustrated that you guys could be living a different lifestyle but 50/50 is the better way to go. You guys sound like you're living comfortably at the moment. What lifestyle change are you looking for? I think you just have to think is the lifestyle change worth the additional costs that your boyfriend will have to cover? At the end of the day you both worked hard for your money and to build your savings. Its only fair to do 50/50.

If you looked at it in his shoes, and if he asked you to pay majority of the bills, how would you feel? Or if you made WAY more then him would you also do what he did?

I can only say in my experience that when my ex was making more and paying majority of the bills, it didn't end well. We were also fighting and he always held that over me.

Learning from that though, my current boyfriend and i haven't moved in yet but we've discussed finances. He makes a lot more also but we decided 50/50. We also decided to each have a separate checking and savings from the one we have with eachother for bills and savings (for a house, trip, or fancy date nghts).

Miristheiss · Answer

You disgust me.
It is HIS money and not yours.
You each pay 50/50? Good. That is fair.
I think it is good to be vague about earnings for this very reason... to avoid the likes of you. Women obsessed with the money a man makes. He wants to save his money. He is wise. Listen to you... you've are mad because you want him to spend more of his money for your "better lifestyle".
You think he should now pay MORE than half of the bills. No he shouldn't.
This man should break up with you. You are bad news and this guy should NEVER... marry you.
Your attitude about HIS money and earnings disgust me. You don't love him... you are some shrew. I hope he sees your disgusting reaction to him making good money as a wake up sign to get the hell out of dodge. He needs a woman who just loves him and doesn't care if he makes 1,000 dollars a week or a hundred thousand a week... only that they are together and face life's issues together as a supportive couple... not you make money... now I get to spend it for you.

Seinna · Answer

What's wrong with the life you currently lead? That's what you're able to afford after all so you don't feel stressed out. Maybe he doesn't want to waste money on luxury that neither of you needs but rather save it and invest it? So in the future he could buy a house of his own?

Having money doesn't mean you have to splurge and live over limit. That doesn't make you a rich person, it makes you a person who never has cash no matter how much they earn... and if you do earn a lot it also makes you a stupid person.

I understand you feeling betrayed though, he should have been transparent with you... I mean if you guys live together then you should be aware of each other's finances. Or rather it should be a side effect of being together and living with each other but maybe he didn't want to make you uncomfortable? But you also shouldn't expect him to pay for an expensive house if you yourself can't afford it and you're quite comfortable as you currently live. It's different if you had to live in poor conditions or in a dangerous neighbourhood, but that's not the case.

Losalt · Answer

While I agree that if he has a higher income he should take a larger share of the costs it also sounds like you two where talking about different things when talking together about this.
You two where talking about what you feel that you can spare for bills rather how much each of you actually *earn* and what's *fair* for each of you to pay.

You don't really have a right to be angry at him given the context you gave.
But I suggest that you go and talk with him and apologize for looking at his bank statements.
Don't accuse him of lying, because it sounds like he wasn't.
But ask to renegotiate each others share of the household costs to something more fair.
If he wants to save up money rather than contribute it to the household that's fine.
But the two of you should compare incomes and he should cover the percentage of the total fixed costs that he makes of the total you both make.

Then for the variable costs like restaurants or movies etc you can continue to pay roughly equal.
That sounds like a fair compromise to me.

crossdressingrihno · Answer

Did you at all at any point question why he's saving so much money?
Also why does it matter that he has so much money that he has not using?
Fact is he's not spending it on other women and he's not spending it on himself he's saving it.

Complain as you wish about it. Fact is this money could save his life or yours. After covid-19 hit people wound up homeless because they didn't have things like savings and it's his savings account that might keep your ass off the street next time something like this happens and believe me there's going to be a next time. Also within the 20 years I've been alive the economy has almost crashed twice not once twice in 20 years that's once every 10 years and this is a trend that's probably going to be going on for quite a while now. And what if you have kids maybe you marry him and have kids don't you think that money will be nice for the kids college fund or for retirement or other things like that?

Also within my 20 years of living I have also gotten to witness three major pandemics in the United States the two that I remember the names of is H1N1 and the coronavirus but I don't remember what the third one was I think it was the zika virus or something like that I can't remember. Bleh

Point is instead of being upset you should be happy that he's thinking ahead and if you can't be happy about that then be happy he's not spending that money on another woman because a man who thinks ahead is a man who can get a woman and probably a decent woman like a really hot woman ya know.

Obviously that's not what he's doing though since you know that money wouldn't be in his bank account if he was so he's not so good for you he's not cheating on you and your future might be secured in case of a disaster you know if you're with him when said disaster hits but being suspicious over money might change things quite a bit

Phoenix98 · Answer

Did you maybe stop and think why he's doing the responsible thing and putting money in his savings account.

If I had a large enough income to where I could do that I would be doing that to and to be frank it's not really your business what he does with his money.

But you should also try and use you head for a moment there's quite a few reasons why he could be doing this.

1# He could be saving up for a down payment on a house.

2# Preparing and having a stockpile of money available if prices skyrocket for gas, food, utilities and the like skyrocket he'll be prepared and be able to ride it out because of that income he's saved.

3# A nest egg to enable him to retire early from his job.

4# It could also be money that he's saving and putting away for when he gets married and starts a family then he'd have a nice amount of money saved up for when he starts his life with someone which would give him a boost after he gets married or for when a baby comes into the picture.

He's doing the smart thing and being fiscally responsible with his income. Like I said above if I was in his position finically I'd be doing the exact same thing.

And also he never lied to you or hid anything from you he gave you the exact amount he had available after savings. And he's splitting everything with you 50/50 so he's not cheating you at all. You have zero reason to be mad especially when it's not your money in the first place.

People like you however are the exact reason why I have all my finical and private information locked behind layers of protection and passcodes. Known to me and only me.

Snooping around in your partners finical information is a big red flag.

its_amelia_c · Answer

I’m sorry but why should he be paying more than his share, or a bigger share than 50/50?

It doesn’t matter if he earns more you are a couple, and are equals. You live together now so life is split down the middle! That means 50/50 no matter what!

If he saves because he has more left over due to earning more than bully him, he can keep that for a deposit for a house, a lovely holiday, Christmas or bday presents for his family and you, or going out for nice dinners, nights out, etc.

He hasn’t done the wrong thing by you, he has held his end of the bargain by paying what he needs to in this relationship. You are living well, and comfortably, you are not missing out on things.

I dont see why you feel you are entitled to “his” extra money! You are not married!

Birdlegs · Answer

That’s exactly why he does it. He’s putting money away for a rainy day but the fact you instantly went to we could be living a better life probably isn’t his top priority. It sounds like y’all are living fine with what he’s doing already. Y’all are splitting the bills and have a roof over your head and have money saved up if anything happens. I understand that he didn’t tell you but it sounds like it was from before y’all got together so that’s entirely his business. There isn’t an issue here except him not being transparent with it even though he didn’t have to be

BossLady16 · Answer

Honestly, I wouldn't say a word. You violated his trust way more by looking at his paperwork. 50/50 is fair. Whatever he does with the rest whether it be to start a fire or store away shouldn't matter at all. It's his money.

My dad is married and he has a joint account for bills they both deposit into and they each have their personal accounts. Keeps things simple and fair.

Also, not to seem harsh but saying that you could live a more grand lifestyle seems shallow and borderline gold digger status. If you'd like better things or lifestyle for yourself you can make that happen. Don't rely on anyone else. Although, many wise people have already mentioned having a rainy day fund is usually a great idea.

melanieeeB · Answer

Well he definitely shouldn't have lied to you in the first place, like that's really not nice.
He could have told you, that he only wants to use a certain amount and save up the rest and like say his Budget that he is willing to put in, cause afterall it is his money and he can do what he wants with it but lying the best thing to do.

Maybe just sit down with him and tell him that you saw the bankstatement and just explain him how you feel and ask him about it.
Just like that, be straightforward and talk to him and see what he tells you

KrisPW · Answer

Wow, I thought you were going to say he's been earning more than you thought and wasting it on online gambling, or drinking with his buddies. But he's saving it for his / your possible future? What a complete ass he is! /sarcasm

Sounds like you found a good guy and are about to ruin it to me...

DizzyDesii · Answer

You sound like my mom when she was making me pay rent but she assumed i only made half of what i made. No matter what i made, she was only getting the same amount of my check. It shouldn't matter what he makes as long as you keep bills 50/50 as it should be

slatyb · Answer

You are right to be angry. This is a major breach of trust. Also it shows a lack of generosity. How do you approach him? You just do it. "I saw your bank statement. You told me you were paid $X but your bank statement shows that it's about twice that. Why did you lie to me?"

My feeling is that this should be a deal breaker. This is not a momentary lack of consideration, which is forgivable. This tells me that he views your relationship as a game where he tries to get as much as he can from you while giving as little as possible.

VanillaSalt · Answer

He’s your bf… your not engaged… your not married… and he’s doing his part… honestly Ide leave your gold digging ass if I found out you were thinking like this period.

Fact is 2 people split the bills evenly for equal usage. Not even equal because if he makes that much more then you then either he works a hell of a lot more so his usage is less OR he makes much more then you in which case he’s got a better future then you… Either way your greed is repulsive and even if he’s lying about his money I’m sure you wore makeup on the first date… I’m sure your given a lie here or there…

Greed and envy are terrible enemies to suffer.

Emiliamazing · Answer

I am in agreement with Subaru girl. A lot of people don’t save anything these days. You should be happy that he is responsible enough to do so. In terms of him not being completely truthful about his income, perhaps that’s something that he sensed about you and was concerned that the money he has worked hard to save would be spent on things he didn’t agree or feel were necessary.
Perhaps that money is for a home down payment or to pay off student loans or any number of things. My suggestion is to earn each other’s trust.

ChrisMaster69 · Answer

Not sure why this is a problem really.

if your bills including rent is say £2k and you agree to split it 50 50, then it does not really matter who earns what.

until a few years back I always lived well within my means and saved nearly everything or put it into property.

I have also at times not said exactly what I make total income, and only said roughly what I get paid.

If you don’t like the lifestyle, then leave and get a guy that will spend cash on you now but not have anything later on.

Boyfriend earns WAY more than I thought, should I confront him, and how?

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