Can you ever forgive your rapist if he didn't mean to?

[Mreowcat321]

2021: Me (31) has romantic interest in somebody I work with (21). She also had romantic interest in me. We started flirting and hanging out. One night she comes over and we have a couple of drink (measured 3oz of liqour in mixed drink with ice). I get up courage to ask to kiss her and she says yes. Night progresses and we end up in bed together and she spends the night with me. In the morning I intimate intimacy again, shortly after she leaves. I messaged her about how special I thought the night was and how happy I was to spend the night holding her (I was head over heels for her for MONTHS before but she had a boyfriend), she tells me that I raped her. I tell her to tell the cops and get a rape kit done, that I'd plead guilty in a second if she pressed charges (as a guy it's not my place to define rape). She says no, we end up dating for about 9 months. During that time she makes a few subtle comments about me what happened, and after talking to her for a bit and realizing she's been unhappy for a while and reccomend therapy. She's goes to therapy and a few months ago left for finishing up school overseas and broke up with me. At this point I had already told her I loved her (felt like I had for a very very long time, since before she even messaged me I couldn't stop thinking about her). While she's been gone I have sent her a message here and there, ar first she responded normally seemingly wanting to have a conversation and even wished me a happy birthday unprovoked. I sent her a video about a month ago that was funny, no message, just trying to give her some laughs; she told me "please stop messaging me". So I have since then until yesterday, which I only said congratulations for graduating college, no response though I'm sure she has me blocked. Anyways to the point. I am still head over heels in love with her. She's been gone for months but is always prevalent on my mind and I know starts working again in a few weeks. . . Can she ever forgive me?

No. A rapist is a rapist, it doesn't mean if you meant to you're a disgusting vile human being.

Yes. Rape is about hurting somebody, if you didn't know you were hurting somebody it wasn't meant to be rape.

[LilyoftheLake]

As someone who has personally been in a drunken rape situation that probably wasn't intentional, I can say that it can be hard to forgive. But I fully believe that his intention, while selfish, wasn't evil! I've learned to forgive him.

[Mreowcat321]

Hope she can do the same because it's been over a year and I sure as hell haven't forgiven myself for hurting her

[Anonymous]

I would never forgive my rapist no matter what. But my question is, are you sure that the sex were consensual? Did she at some point told you to stop?

[Mreowcat321]

She never said stop or no. The night was 100% consensual as far as I remember. She took my pants off and was on top for half of it. The morning she was much more passive it wasn't until after I learned her fear response was freezing like a deer. I still want her to press charges if she feel I raped her. I never wanted to. I never meant to hurt her. I loved her. And I've been fighting suicidal thoughts since because I hate myself so much for what happened. She never said yes in the morning. She never got on top. I just feel like a maggot but can't stop myself from wanting to be with her. . .

[Opinion Owner]

Oh I see, I think she might have felt violated when it happened again in the morning bc like you said she just froze without properly giving out consent. I think the best thing that you can do is try to genuinely apologize to her and tell her that you understand that what happened was not right - but then you’ll need to move on a leave her alone if that’s what she asked for…

[Mreowcat321]

I've been trying to but literally every day she's all I think about. I wake up hoping she snuck in. When I forget to turn my lights off before I leave and see them on I rush in hoping she's here. I just want to make thing easier for her but I want to be in her life. I really did love her. I spent 11.5 years of my life with someone before her and NEVER felt the way I do now. It just sucks because I know she doesn't want me in her life because I raped her. I just want her to forgive me, she knows I'd never hurt her on purpose. I don't know she came back after for nearly 9 months I just. . . Nevermind your right. I know I need to leave her alone. I'm a rapist. I'm her rapist, even if I didn't know I was. Thank you for your help though. I guess just one more question for women. Could you ever fall in love with a rapist or should I just give up like I think?

[Opinion Owner]

I think you might also need to go to therapy, especially to help you cope with your guilt. You seem to be needing some form of closure from her to be able to move on.

You guys did end up dating tho, do you think it could’ve been something else during that time (not the rape) that caused her to leave?

I personally wouldn’t be able to fall in love with a rapist, I wouldn’t even want to associate myself with someone who is/was one. But then again, the label “rapist” itself is now thrown around so easily (take Johnny Depp for example, he was accused of raping his ex wife with no proof).

[Mreowcat321]

I've tried multiple therapists with no success. Some I just don't feel comfortable with, or have been asked to leave when I tell them why I'm there, therapist for sexual assault victims are everywhere. . . Therapist for rapists are not.

And no, while we dated we were both really happy. Even when she was breaking up she said how she hated not being able to spend every moment with someone who made her so happy. . . I think it was her therapy I reccomended that brought her to her choice.

Regardless I really just wanted to know if I should leave her alone and just kinda give up on even dating since I figure once I tell any girl about this she's gonna bounce faster than a rabbit on crack. You may be the only one to respond so far but I feel I've got my answer. Thank you.

[Opinion Owner]

I’m proud of you for realizing your mistakes and trying to find help to better yourself. You’re right though, I never realized just how little support you get when you’re the “offender”. I hope you won’t give up on finding the right therapist for you. As a child sexual abuse victim, it also took me a while to finally find the right therapist that I feel comfortable with so don’t give up!

I think you definitely need to try to move on from this. You can just try coming up with your own closure in your head to help you move on. Best of luck to you!

[Mreowcat321]

My father was arrested for child pornography when I was younger. I never had any abuse done to me or my siblings and as far as I'm aware it was only images but ever since then I have had a deep disgust and hate for sex offenders. While she didn't report me I feel like I am. I don't know I know this is me asking for help where I should simply because I haven't found any irl. Even tried NSAH was disconnected and had to try again before they even offered help.

Pretty much as this point all I do is is think about her and what I did and yah spirals from there but whatever. I'm a rapist I need to stop asking for help.

[Opinion Owner]

Everyone deserves help, especially if you’re already fully aware of your mistakes. Like you, I also despise sex offenders but at the same time I can also understand how some of them truly want to do better. I hope you’ll be able to find the support that you need!

[LazerBean]

If it's not intentional I don't even consider it rape. So by my views, no because there is no such thing as accidental rape.

[Mreowcat321]

Then what was it?

[LazerBean]

Hoes being hoes.