Should I wait or should I leave?

[Anonymous]

It started with mutual attraction. The question came of if he's in a relationship he admitted upfront that he's in a fucked up situation of being legally married but due to immigration he can't leave until his citizenship is granted. It's already in the process. The person he is married to is on the same wavelength, they want to get divorced but they will wait until his process is over.

There is no issue in our relationship except this HUGE one. The reason I constantly feel torn on walking away is because he's the most amazing man ever, flaws and all. And I believe that what we have is irreplaceable. I walk around happy as fuck because of him but with a weight on my shoulder.

In honesty, the government system where I live is very fucked up and they literally treat immigrants like shit unless you are filthy rich. So for no logical reason other than being cruel even when you have all requirements met, they give appointments then keep rescheduling and putting it off. Realistically in my country the process of getting citizenship then residency takes 10+ years.

He doesn't want to start the process over in divorcing her and marrying me because it's been about 4/5yrs already and he finds it stressful to start over. I am telling him that makes no sense since he will therefore be chained to her for an indefinite number of years, unhappy and preventing us from having a free relationship.

It's a tough decision but when I talk about it he seems defeated. I say if he doesn't know what to do then that in itself is a choice. He says I don't understand because it's his whole life he's built here that he could lose by choosing to get a divorce before having his citizenship at least. I am concerned that we won't be able to raise a family because my biological clock is ticking. I also hate having to be okay with him living there with her and her family. We can't live together. We can't be seen. My family wants to meet him. Tell me your thoughts. It's almost been 3years.

Stay for as long as it takes if it's real love.

Give him 1 more year to decide.

Leave no matter how hard it is.

[roxbby]

The first thing I want to say is that true love does not equate to a super happy and fulfilling relationship. I had a boyfriend that I loved, and I can tell he reciprocally loved me back, but we had so many key differences that it couldn't work out. Never believe those people who say that it's worth doing anything for true love. You have to do things that align with your goals, and you have to realize that your story isn't going to always be the happily-ever-after story of how a woman waited on her true love and then their relationship worked out for years after that. You have to be aware that there is some fallibility.

You're going to be in an uncomfortable position inevitably. Don't break up with him? You have to hide your relationship for the next seven years (or more). Break up with him? You have to start all over again with someone new and deal with some heartache.

It's really up to you to weigh the pain and see which one is better to avoid. You have to also think about if your relationship messes up, you've wasted a lot of time. Is this partner serious about having children and developing a family with you? Or is he unsure and wants to avoid the topic? You need to be 99% sure that he's going to be loyal. Another thing is that it's going to be really unpleasant for you... seven more years (The time you've been in a relationship with him DOUBLED) is difficult and frustrating to hide your relationship. As much as you love this person, is it worth spending all of the most advantageous years of your dating life (Younger = more availability for partners closer to your age) on a relationship that is completely hidden from the public? Plus, if he's so smart to hide a relationship from his "wife," don't you think it's entirely possible that he could find another partner and hide her from you just as well? So, summary of things to caution because LOVE IS NOT EVERYTHING:

[roxbby]

- Is he THE ONE? Does he support ALL of your values? Do his goals align with your goals (Are both of your goals possible to do while in a relationship?)? Have you ever suspected him of cheating? Is he interested in having children? When you bring up the topic of having children, does he sound uneasy or try to change the subject (Which means he doesn't want kids)?

- Is it worth spending all of your most advantageous dating years on one person while the relationship is completely in hiding?

- A red flag I'm seeing is the fact he can be secretive about a relationship for three years. This shows how easy it can be for your partner to be dishonest in a sense. I'm not really aware of the details of your relationship (I'm assuming that the wife wouldn't want him to be finding another partner), and your partner actually could have really good intentions for the relationship. Just be wary that if he can hide a relationship for three years, it could be entirely possible that there could be a relationship behind YOUR back.

- Another thing is your biological clock... In seven years, you'll be at least 32. It might last a little longer than that. If you don't have actual fertility issues, I'd say it's fine to delay pregnancy until 35. Later becomes riskier. If you'd want to wait longer than 35, you'd want to be at least in the middle-class or high-class to afford fertility treatment if you start having issues.

[roxbby]

- Another thing is that sometimes it's the right person at the wrong time. If you feel like you've never found someone that has been so understanding and supportive in your life and this man isn't mediocre, I'd say stay. If you think that he's great but is possibly replaceable, that's a sign that you might be better off cutting the relationship...

- However, if this is the man who you really see your future with and he is extremely serious and has shown this THROUGH HIS ACTIONS (Actions are 10x stronger and more evident than someone's words), I'd say to keep him. If this is the man and you can't find someone else better logically, then keep him. But still check the cautions.

Ultimately, there is no wrong decision. You're actually in such a tough situation that it could be possible to regret either decision, and it's probably going to be based on luck and your instincts and judgment of good character. The only thing I want to say is that if there is a possibility of having to wait 15+ years, it might be really difficult to handle. Sometimes there is a right person at the wrong time. You'll be compatible with a lot of people, so don't think that this is the only person unless you actually think this person is irreplaceable.

Anyway, that's my take. Ask questions about my opinion if you want to know more about why I think a certain way if you need to.

[Asker]

My goodness. Thank you for such a thorough reply. It is really a seriously challenging situation. I'm 30 so in seven years I'd be 37 and tbh I never intended to have children that old. He is in his 40's so the ideal time to have children is within the next two years while we have the energy and zeal for baby years lol. Yes he is honest and yes it's a serious connection. A twin flame connection. Divine union. To be honest there are good men in my life that I could have been with but I just was in a mindspace of being alone for the rest of my life until the crazy unexplained connection him and I had. I already know that should this not work out I reassume my stance of being happily alone the rst of my life. So there's no issue of whether or not I'd find someone else. He's the only person I want.

With him and hiding other women I knew that too, but really he has been honest so far, his background and upbringing was one where ultimately every single man he knew was with multiple women at a time. So he has spent his life that way. But coincidentally enough lol before I even understood his past, my personality is such that I told him I am fine if he would like to sleep with other women, he just isn't allowed to have relationships with anyone except me. So we have common ground. I trust him to respect my wishes.

I believe he is worth the wait but even now it bothers me so to imagine how much mental turmoil I have to face for the next few years is making me question my own sanity. Sigh. He's an amazing human.

I have two children already which I didn't mention. From a previous 10 yr relationship. So with time passing it also means my children are growing without him being the role model I would like him to be in their lives since they don't have many men around that I trust to help them balance and understand themselves. But I also want us to have a child.

[Asker]

In terms of the way he treats me, we get along so freaking well it's unbelievable. We have the same level of consciousness, ambition, and are generally like a mirror immage of each other. So he treats me with full respect, love, everything. The issue is that regardless of how close we are, obviously his allegiance would have to be to his wife. If she needs something he must go. So I feel like I'm hurting myself by allowing myself to be not his priority. I'm hurting myself by allowing myself to be here when he wants and needs me but knowing he won't be there whenever I want or need him.

And no, my beliefs on love are nothing close to the brainwashed disney version. Lol. So there's none of that dynamic occurring. Whether him and I are together or not I know it's going to hurt either way. Since the beginning we both acknowledge that whether things work out or not romantically (due to the situation) we will stay in each other's lives and support each other.

[Asker]

The choice on pain is an accurate statement. I habe said to myself it's either the consistent pajn of living without him as mine and I as his, or the undulating, tumultuous pain of staying and waiting. Of course as the woman is willing to wait for him to get his papers, she would expect him to do thjngs for her, pay bills, sex, etc etc. And he is not ungrateful either, he loves her in that sense of being willing to stand up for him, which is why he is mindful of not letting her know about me. I am not mad about it, I hope we manage to make it without her feeling hurt at all. She's a good person, though she has her ways. However this all puts stress on our relationship. I am not sure how much pain I can tolerate with him having to do so much on that end. It's very hurtful still even though I understand.

[brownna529]

Talk to his wife about it and see if she's okay with you guys being together.

[Asker]

Thank you, will do

[Guy13]

This is common when in this kind of situation. Some will pay citizens to marry so they can eventually get citizenship. AS far as leaving, you know that end better than I. You know the vibe. I hope it goes the way you wish.

[Asker]

Well no, in this country nobody pays anyone for that kind of thing lol. The payments here are where government officials and workers drag the process for 10+years for immigrants but if they are willing to pay exorbitant bribes, they will speed it up to the time it is actually supposed to take. I have told him we could do that if he leaves her and remarries but he is hesitant that something goes wtond since after all, his life here hangs in the balance.

[Guy13]

You are not usa?

[Asker]

Nope

[Guy13]

Okay... I know about what you are talking about from Business dealings in Thailand.-Lots of that for USD...

[Asker]

Yeah there are corrupt governments all around the world. Mine is not an Asian country but I'm telling you, over here if your pockets are deep enough you can have any government process sped up. Or if you are well connected. It's sad and also frustrating but true.

[Guy13]

Yep. definitely not fair BUT an incorporated Business expense...

[Jamie05rhs]

So you know that the guy entered into a fake marriage, and yet you're seriously considering dating him?

I can't anymore with people these days. I swear. I just can't...

[Asker]

No I never said he entered into a fake marriage. You assumed that. I said it's been 4 or 5 years, I never said whether things were hunky dory with them at the beginning or middle. I only spoke of the situation as it was from when I met him. Consider it as you having met someone, you love them, you decide to get married, and then you both realize it's not what you want.

Maybe the reason "you just can't anymore with people these days" is because you are taking huge leaps jumping to conclusions and then thinking your prejudice is justified.

[Asker]

Here I was thinking the notification alert would be someone coming to offer me a sensical perspective on a complex issue. But instead this. If you didn't like or read or process what I explained in detail and even in more detail on replies to other responses, you could've just passed this question by.

You passed on a good opportunity to offer actual help. But thanks anyway for still passing to try to make yourself seem like you're the most perfect person in the world who has never found yourself in a tough situation. Go forth and conquer.

[Jamie05rhs]

Sorry; I call bullshit. If someone comes over on a marriage visa, 9 times out of 10, it's a scam. Those are just the facts.
Sorry to burst your bubble.

[Asker]

Lmao. Are you from the USA? I've noticed that people from there tend to think that the way their country is, is thebway all counties are. Lmao. Which is not true. Our country is not like that. There is NO SUCH THING as coming here with a marriage visa. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂😂 The person was already here for years prior to marriage. Sigh. I do not have time to explain to you especially when you are so blinded by your own perspective. Good luck in life man.

[Jamie05rhs]

Okay. 🙂👍

[Anonymous]

I say leave.

[Asker]

Thank you