My girlfriend does not take care of herself and always has drama and I am no longer attracted to her, but I’m afraid what might happen if I leave?

[Anonymous]

We started going out over a year ago, initially things were great, we had similar interests, we both wanted to work out and get healthier, and we did a lot together. But as time went on, I realized just how much drama surrounds her. She lives at home, her mom is on disability and refuses to take care of her medical issues, and her grandpa lives with them because he can no longer live on his own and needs near 24/7 attention.

My girlfriend spends so much of her time taking care of them that she just won’t take care of herself. She has been sick/injured since April. And had a bunch of medical issues before that that would ruin the night. She refuses to take medicine unless absolutely necessary. It’s like trying to get a child to take their medicine, and it ends up ruining the night because she inevitably gets sick. She went to the ER 5 times because of kidney stones and had to have 2 surgeries to remove them.

We wanted to be healthy together, and I thought I would be a good influence but she has gotten so much worse in the year I’ve known her. She is in bed by 7pm most days and never exercises. She will try for a few days but the minute any hurdle gets in her way she gives up.

She has had a really bad year and a lot of it was out of her control, and she is constantly saying that 2022 sucks. The problem is, I want to break up with her. I am so stressed all the time because I feel like her caretaker not her boyfriend. But I am terrified what might happen if I do break up with her, she does not handle this kind of stuff well. And I’m afraid she might spiral even worse. She has severe anxiety and depression, and those have only been getting worse lately. I basically yelled at her over text a few weeks ago because she passed out on the floor at her home from low blood sugar and just blew it off like it wasn’t a big deal. I told her that she needs to take care of herself and that she can’t dismiss serious medical issues like this. I just don’t know what to do…

[Smoke-n-Growls]

It's sweet you're worried for her and shows how deeply you care, but ultimately you need to move on to be healthy and happy for yourself.

You aren't supposed to be her caretaker.

If she has other friends, consider talking to them and asking them to just check in with her more frequently. Then, when you break up with her, do so as gently but as honestly and as calmly as you can. Explain your feelings, use a slow and firm but gentle tone, and remind her of her family, her friends, and possibly any other resources you think she might need.

Be prepared to receive a lot of drama in turn, but remember you are not responsible for her. She is an adult, an individual; she's responsible for herself.

I'd suggest cutting all contact after the split, too. Maybe don't block her phone number if you're really worred, but if she calls or texts and in any way insinuates suicide or selfharm, immediately report to the police and call a welfare check.

You are supposed to be a partner and a boyfriend, not a caretaker. You deserve and need more and that's very very okay. Valid and very okay.

You can do this.