Should I leave my girlfriend and move on?

[Anonymous]

So my girlfriend of 4 years has fallen back in love with her ex who popped up out of nowhere. I have been very understanding and supportive so far since I looked at things from her perspective. However, if I look at my situation, it's really tough to be in. In this love triangle, there is a story from everyone's perspective. As far as I am concerned, I am unable to let her go. I am still talking and waiting patiently and making constant efforts that sometimes go futile. Future is uncertain. Someone give me the strength.

Should I move on?

Should I stay?

[AmandaYVR]

Dear Anon,

I'm pretty sure I'm goona write too much here, so now's the time when most people will check out and walk away, but for you, I know you want some heartfelt help. I'll try to be concise though.

I want you to follow me, and I want you to start writing comments on my questions. I am always looking for insightful, kind people like you who have a deeper grasp of the important things in life. When I see several good comments from you, I'll probably just naturally follow you too. You don't even have to tell me who you are if you don't want.

This is your first question out of the gate. This is the type of life event and problem that brings people here. I've seen it many times. And I want to say some things to you before, months down the line, the angry, bitter [mostly guys] have got to you, and started to tarnish your kind spirit, harden you, tried to get you to 'man up'. Even here, below... I had to stop reading.

You are not weak in any way. You love this woman, and you've spent 4 years of your life with her. She loves you too. But she also loves another, one who came before you. She does not need to be shamed for this. It is incredibly ignorant and naive for some people to believe that once they are the person, the chosen one, all other feelings will be shut down, permanently, for the rest of their life. That's not how life works, all wrapped up and tidy in a bow. Loyalty is important, yes, but she was a human being before she met you. She had a past. Everyone does. Some is more complicated, more full, more rich, or more unfinished, than others. You don't condemn her because she has always had the capacity to love. That capability in her is why she also fell in love with you. We need to have compassion for one another, more than there is in the world today. People have become very, very intolerant. Did you know that in the 1950s their attitudes about relationships and marriage was actually more tolerant than it is today? It's true. (Too long and complicated to go into why.)

Whether you stay or go right now is a very tough decision. But it is yours to make. I will tell you that the culture has changed, we reached a tipping point, and now people like you will be shamed for staying, rather than in the past where the person who stayed would keep these things quiet, and make the decision on their own, privately, and the person who left was shamed for going. Not everyone wants to leave. Just because this other man also loves her, doesn't take away from your love of her. They are separate.

But yes, unfortunately it is a triange and she is in the middle, divided between you both. Do you live together? This makes a huge difference. I'm not going to tell you to wait, or to leave. And don't allow the others to make this crucial decision for you. This is complicated and many important conversations will need to be had between you and she. Maybe it is still salvageable. I hope for your sake it is. You might have to give her just a little bit of space to sort this out, and once she spends some time with him she may decide she loves you more, and she will choose you under no duress. You will have been a very strong man to have done this, and she will undoubtedly respect you for it.

But whatever happens, please continue to be the kind person that you are. I believe you are a more evolved person, not less, not lesser. Ok?

[Asker]

You just got a new follower!

[Screenwriter]

Four years is a long time to be involved with someone and experience this kind of betrayal. What is making you stay? Guy shows up and she falls in love with him? Seems like she might not've been that tied to you in the first place. How long has she been reinvolved with this guy? I wouldn't sit around waiting or catering to her to keep her. If she keeps with this guy, after a few months, I'd call it quits. She doesn't seem to care how much this hurts you and is focused on her feelings. I don't think this is about you letting HER go. She's let YOU go. I'm sad for you, but she's abandoned you.

[hellionthesagereborn]

You should confront her. The fact is this isn't fair to you. She is inlove with a guy who isn't you, the one who is there for her the one who is supporting her emotionally etc. That isn't fair and if she thinks that this guy is better then she doesn't deserve to be with you. Yeah, I get it, relationships are tough, they take effort, this new guy is new and that is more appealing (and he is new, she is thinking about, more then likely, all the things he did in the beginning of the relationship and none of the things that came after that cause the break up) so now she is thinking about him so she can get the thrill of new relationship.

That's bullshit however and so you need to tell her she has a choice to make, either she wants to keep this relationship or she doesn't and she has to choose or you will choose for her. If she doesn't choose, dump her, if she chooses you but still pines for this other guy, dump her, if she says she doesn't know what she wants, dump her. At the end of the day she is disrespecting you and your relationship by not rejecting this other guy and by entertaining these feelings.

So yeah, you need to confront her and let her know this is not acceptable because she is going to screw you over if you keep being in limbo like this. The issue isn't even that she still has some feelings for him, like I said I can understand that to an extent. If your in a relationship for a long time a new person can seem really attractive, an ex may seem more attractive because you have forgotten all the many reasons why your relationship failed with them and you crave something new. The issue is that she is not trying to look at it objectively, she is not respecting your relationship and she is definitely not respecting you. If you found some one really attractive and they wanted you, you wouldn't go out of your way to interact with them, you wouldn't put yourself in a position where you could lose your relationship that you have, she on the other hand is doing just that.

[rjroy3]

One of the best bits of advice my Dad ever gave me when I was 15.

"Never pursue a girl whose heart is with another man. Because no matter how much you grow to love her and how much she grows to care for you. He still has her heart. And at any point in time if he decides to come for her. She will leave you for him. Because he has her heart".

Just the way it is and it fuuucking sucks. But it's the truth. I don't know if you knew another man had her heart or not. But obviously he did. She didn't fall back in love with him again. She already loved him and he turned up. 4 years in a relationship doesn't change that. I'm not going to say what you "should" choose. Because fuck what I think and "should" means nothing other than what's "right" in the subjective eyes of whoever is looking. It doesn't matter and doesn't help you.

There's what "could" happen if you choose this or that. And there's what "will" happen because it's what you ultimately decide to do. Think about the outcome you want. Take into account what would need to happen for that outcome to come true. If you're willing to accept whatever those consequences are for that decision. Then make your decision. End of story.

[Asker]

Well, this really helps dude. Thanks much!

[sejla]

I think you have to move on. You have to be good to yourself. Whatever the pull the ex has for your girlfriend you might not be able to fight against it. Just release and let it go and let things fall into place naturally. Sorry that happened to you because 4 years is a long time to be with someone.

[lightbulb27]

I guess I question how controlling this other guy is. e. g. he re-entered the scene, or she pulled him in?

If you really care, I'd try to sit down with 3rd party counselor and just see what turns up. Sometimes... ok I'm gonna get in trouble here... these knuckle head females don't know what they are thinking:) There... that was nice. They are emotional idiots and when they sleep around and "Fall in love" and get beatup like daddy beat her up, then they feel love. But it's sick love, and they don't know it. So... maybe there is some junk that can turnup if there is a decent therapist and she opens up.

Otherwise, 4 years... you are such a nice decent guy obviously. That is probably why she doesn't love you... she wants someone more awful and controlling which maps to her childhood.

My guess is... you move on, but love can work. This could take decades to sort out. Not sure you have that much patience.

Check out this story...https://www.missamericabyday.com/
e. g. she ran from thsi guy from shame right to someone who was bad for her. the sub conscious mind can be a mess from childhood mistreatment. You never know what you are dealing with between those seemingly pretty eyes... is a very wounded soul?

[kim45456]

Why are you insulting women now?

[lightbulb27]

@kim45456 it's the challenge of explaining things to one person without offending others, and putting enough edge on it to have some meaning. I could have been nice, I wasn't feeling nice at the time. People make terrible decisions in relationships (in finance, etc..), including females at diff stages. it includes men, including me. I wish someone would have insulted me a long time ago before I made my stupid mistakes... so I could have wised up and learned sooner. That be preferred to allowing me to suffer. It may be easier to accept for some if someone is really nice, and thoughtful of ones feelings, and I usually am, but sometimes I'm not. Mens perogative! I give a reference to prove my point of how people make decisions. The decisions are emotional and often flawed and self screwing. They may be hormonal... and flawed. And they pay the price, sometimes by death! What should a person do... or to what extent should a person go to prevent someone from making mistakes vs allowing them to suffer. That is a worthy debate.
I convey some truth, albeit, not very nicely. sorry that I'm not nice today and if it hurts your feelings. but is it possible, that it strikes a chord in you that you know to be true?

I'm not sahing women are stupid, I'm saying... often... they are hurt and functioning out of that hurt. That caueses mis guided decisions. It's not necessarily their fault, but is their responsibility. In this case, the girl probably has a real nice guy who cares for her... and she's running into the arms of someone who... may... not be so good for her. We don't know... but happens too often.

[akihon]

Should you move on yes and make sure that while you're doing it you aren't supporting her but yourself, why, well because as long as your supporting her then you aren't looking after yourself and she's free to enjoy her ex being her shiny new toy and also enjoy whatever you're doing hanging on.

She gets a new toy and also gets to play with the old one, so when the shiny new one wears down a bit she can come back to you, have a backbone and ghost her because you can trust me in this he ex did not just pop up out of nowhere, he didn't just get back to earth after a few years wandering in space. She's been in contact with him for a while and lying to you about it, now get a fucking grip.

As long as you're there for her she has your permission to abuse you all she wants which means that you won't have any respect from her and you'll also start giving up having any self respect too.

Don't allow that to happen to you, get rid of anything you have that reminds you of her and do whatever you have to in order to get her out of your system and move the hell on

Trust me on this he ex is an ex for a reason and will be again and when that happens she will start to wonder what happened to you and if she was wrong to give you up etc, it's bullshit and if you let her back into your life she'll do it again and again because your showing her you aren't enough of a man to stand up for yourself so if you stand for nothing you'll fall for everything

[tibit]

That's a rough situation, and I am sorry you are going through that. Honestly I would just cut my losses. I know it sucks because you spent 4 years together, but the reality is the fact this guy can just appear and she dropped everything immediately after 4 years goes to show she doesn't love you as much as she should. You deserve to be loved by someone who will put your relationship above all else. Even if she decides to stuck it out with you there is no guarantee this won't happen again with the next guy who just shows up. You will need to learn to love yourself enough to walk away from this. All things will pass, it may pass like a kidney stone, but you will get through this. If you need to talk you can always message me. Also take the time you need to grieve properly over the situation. There is nothing wrong with letting it your emotions. It will not make you less of a man to cry. Keep your head up though, it's better you learned this now than later with kids in the mix and you are still young enough to find someone new fairly easily. But first go through what you need to go through first, I'll be here every step of the way if you want me to be there for you. Just send me a dm.

[greyghostlady]

That’s tough! I am myself in fucked up situation and I hear your pain and maturity and compassion for the situation. I heard no contact is good to take some time appart and that would make the person reflect and see it from another perspective. Than have mature conversation and timeline if I wanna make her your life long partner. And perhaps write her a heartfelt letter how I really feel, what u appreciate about her, what made u fall in love woth her and be expressive and detailed, woman like that when a men is not scared from vulnerability and tell her how special she is, what makes you and her a great fit to build and create something amazing. Or offer her open relationship and see how she likes that.

[Anonymous]

It’s great you were so understanding, but now you need to think about how that makes you feel and tell her. I know it can be tough, since it’s been a while that y’all have been together, but y’all need to have a talk (if y’all haven’t already), and if things are feeling the same, then you should leave for yourself. You shouldn’t have to feel like you are in a love triangle with your partner and someone else. I’ve been in the same position with my friend and my boyfriend of 3 years. I had to leave him for my own health and well-being.

Hope all goes well for you dude.

[Truthatanycost]

''I have been very understanding and supportive so far since I looked at things from her perspective. ''

She will never respect a man that does this. In fact, the irony is that you immediately walking away would have given you 100% more chance of making things work. As it stands, you demonstrate to her that she has all of the power, that you do not view yourself as the prize, that you see her as above you, and have no other options. All of this will kill attraction even further.

''ex who popped up out of nowhere. ''

No one just pops out of nowhere. He was always there in some way, in the background, and maybe even more.

'' I am still talking and waiting patiently''

See above... killing attraction.

[notatrap]

Prepare the bombshell you get to drop on her 👏 then leave with class. Sorry man, I've been in a somewhat similar spot, a past girlfriend that was too difficult to hold down and she just wasn't committed. Gotta read the signs and hit the road before they hurt you, cause I was committed and she wasn't, but she hardly cared and I hardly noticed. wasn't quite 4 years but if she is dropping 4 years like nothin, could be a similar situation. Sorry man, women don't know what they want till they get it.

[NineBreaker]

Present an ultimatum: It's either him or me.
Oh! It's not me? Good bye.
Then leave.

After that, end it there, completely and decisively. No being friends, no chit-chat. Just move on and find someone else who is invested in you, and you're invested in her.

One time, I was dating a girl, and I really liked her. Out of nowhere, she disappeared. 3-4 months later, she contacts me again. I didn't respond, and I blocked her. I was informed that during these few months she met another guy, got engaged, then they broke up, and apparently, it wasn't amicable. What did I do? I completely blocked her! I'm nobody's plan B.

You got to put your foot down. No BS. No drama.

This is advice that I give everyone, man, or woman: If you don't respect yourself, don't expect others to respect you.

[Anonymous]

That's so awful and heartbreaking for you. I know it's easier said than done, but find the courage to let her go. There's so much truth in this saying,
" sometimes it's more painful holding on , than it is letting go"

It'll take time to fully heal and move on from her, but you will , given time. If you stay, she'll break your heart over and over again.

Plus, if she leaves you for him, it'll be more difficult to move on than if you walked away first. Walk away with dignity and self-respect. You'll find inner strength and peace if you let her go

You're holding onto someone who has already let you go.

[Browneye57]

You're 'plan b'. If you want to be 'plan a', find a girl willing to put you there.
You're wasting your time and emotion here. She's NEVER coming back, and even if she does she'll do this again, so you don't want her anyway.
She's an idiot for going back in the first place, she's weak-minded. And you're just as bad for standing by for it. GTFO now.

[Unit1]

You know she's a hoe. if you don't break up with her, that's your problem. Just being brutally honest and to the point.

my advice? Toss her into her own misery towards her secret lover. They broke up before and I'm certain they will do so again. And if she comes crawling back to you, you'll just tell her, that they both deserve each other. Don't let yourself be disrespected like that.

if you can, you can try and get one more last time sex with her before tossing her away. 😁

[PurpleStorm]

Bruh... if you really someone you can't fall back inlove or just fall inlove with any other person. How did this even happen, are they spending a lot of time together? Just the fact that she allowed this to happen shows she does not respect the relationship with you. Noone can be inlove with two people at the same time, they can have affection and strong feelings, but real love is one at a time. Please move on you deserve so much better

[nelly83]

I think the girlfriend was never truly serious about the relationship from the beginning. She always had strong lingering feelings with her ex.

[PurpleStorm]

@nelly83 she mightve had serious intentions just never fully got over him

[PurpleA]

She’s trash. She should be loyal to you, and love you. Her ex is an ex for a reason. Unless it was the love of her life, I think that would make it a diff story. As for what you should do, I know it’s hard to hear, especially after a 4 year relationship and investing in her for so long. I suggest you leave and find a girl that will devote her loyalty to you, there’s many of us out there. Once again, so sorry you have to be in this situation. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone

[kim45456]

She does not cheat on him.

[Guanfei]

Leave.
It's almost certain they were already talking way before she told you. And as much chances that she already cheated on you with him. She only told you when she was ready to leave you for him, which will happen soon.
Don't let her get the pleasure of throwing you away. Take the matter in your own hands and do it. You already lost her long ago and anything you're doing or planning to do it useless.
Once you've left her, then it will be time to get better. As long as you're with her, all you'll get is more pain and sorrow. She's not worth it. And you don't deserve that.

[nelly83]

Your girlfriend has been really unfair to you. I'll just be honest. You must like someone a lot in order to date someone for 4 years. there's a good chance that she always had strong feelings left for her ex. He just popped up again in her life right now.

[foxrider77]

Sounds like your not happy. Step 1, don’t let a girl put you down, like ever. If I was in your shoes I’d tell her how you feel. If she doesn’t make the effort then drop her. Meet a real women who can appreciate and take care of you. Meet an outgoing girl (s). Being single can be a fun time if you get a few FWBs.

[Flower7]

You HAVE to move on because your girlfriend already has. She took that choice away from you. I think trying to stay with her at this point would make her even less interested in you and even make her lose respect for you. You say you are unable to let her go, but she's already gone. There's nothing you can do about that.

You're still young and should spend this time trying to find someone new instead... someone who wants you to be her one and only instead of just a 3rd wheel.

[TremorJay]

My gut tells me that, eventually you will wake up and realize that all the reasons you are staying with her and putting in effort are BS and you wasted time. Just don't waste too much time. Rip the band-aid off and move on, knowing that it won't be easy, but you'll find a better place for yourself.

[Papajohns]

Why would you stay? It was her choice to develop feelings for another guy and you are no longer her priority. Find someone who wants to be with you

[Asker]

Maybe because I am thinking too much about her situation. Maybe even more than mine. There's no wrong or right in this, correct? I mean, practically j should move on immediately. But let's say emotions have gotten the best of me.