I ask my boyfriend hypothetical questions, he is getting really frustrated. Any tips on how I can calm my insecurities and overthinking?

[Anonymous]

So we’ve been dating for about 2 years, and have lived together for about 8 months. I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. I have a lot of parental trauma and abandonment issues that I am working out with my therapist. Sometimes I feel this inclination to feed into my overthinking and ruin something good and positive that is actually happening in my life, which is self-sabotaging. It usually happens at night, but I just get overly emotional over the small things, which results in me arguing with my boyfriend. I’ve asked “worm questions”/hypothetical questions about his exes, about our relationship, what his friends/family thinks of me, and if he loves me, or if he is getting tired of me and wants to break up. He gets frustrated when I ask these questions because he feels like they are trapping him if he gives the answer that I don’t like. And, honestly, I do get a bit upset when he gives a crappy answer because I feel like we aren’t on the same wavelength. But he also doesn’t take those questions I ask him seriously and purposely gives me the wrong answer sometimes. They are nitty-gritty questions that remain in the back of my head that spiral and cause me anxiety. Some of the questions I have asked in the past are like:

”Would you ever cheat on me?”
”How long did it take you to get over your exes? Do you miss them? Ever look at them on social media?”

“Am I crazy? How crazy am I?”
“Will you get tired of me”

“Why don’t you do romantic things for me?”

Questions like that. I am just trying to learn. I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. I’m 20, he’s 22. I want to marry this man, but I need to grow emotionally before that happens. Thoughts? Suggestions?

[quaranta]

I'm going to be honest, if my partner asked me often questions like that, I would get really mad way earlier than 2 years, lose my shit, and quit the relationship. And, likely, you would feel the same if you were in the same situation (with an insecure partner, constantly worried and looking for your reassurement), it's something very annoying for everybody on this planet I guess.
The reason is that any time you ask him these things, you are basically putting your mutual trust under challenge: first, he has to take the challenge regardless, he can't ignore that, "or else" stuff (you get offended or argue etc), and second, he has to give the right answer to avoid the threat you are posing out of the blue. This behaviour is aggressive (passive aggressive), your boyfriend did nothing wrong to be constantly bombarded with challenges to prove his good wills readily under threat.
The amount of these questions probably set him in a constant alert mode made of anxiety where he knows he has to walk on eggshells all the day otherwise the first mistake would trigger your apocalypse of worries. I wouldn't accept to endure something like this, and this reasonably kills any romance because a tense situation can't give any space for spontaneous love, as it undermines trust.
By asking these questions, it's like telling him:"Look, I don't trust you, at all. And given how unpredictable I can be with these challenges, you should learn to not trust me either".
But isn't this the whole problem? You are the one with trust issues, traumas etc, yet you try to impose trust issues with these harassments where there are potentially no reasons to not trust him.
He isn't taking your questions seriously because he has enough of being part of this game and wants to make the atmosphere less serious, trying to escape that. Probably the fact he isn't taking your questions seriously and replies in wrong ways are the proof he is doing all he can to tolerate the mistreatment in order to keep staying with you, like, trying to accept this is going to be a routine and softening it with jokes.
But, if you continue, those fears *will* become true at some point, because you will take your boyfriend to be so annoyed, desperate and fearful of being continuously challenged that he will for sure lose any interest in you and he would only desire to get rid of you. Something that without these harassments he wouldn't probably even think about!
Right now you are "self-fulfilling the prophecy", so you should invert this trend with all your strengths. This could be already a good reason to try ignoring those fears or at least to not express them, while to not having them randomly triggered in your mind, that is something you do with your therapist (which is not your boyfriend) because it has to do with your childhood and early teenage, it's something rooted.
For all you can see, so far, there were no really concrete reasons to be worried about your partner's intentions (you didn't list any valid one), except the treatment he is receiving that can very likely give you a concrete reason to think he might depart, yes.

[jeffiner]

First and foremost it is very important for you to understand this... It is absolutely none of your business what anybody thinks of you.
I come from an abusive childhood as well with abandonment issues that cause me to push people away rather than waiting for them to walk away. I end up causing what I feel is the inevitable not realizing that it wasn't necessarily where things were heading until I curved things in that direction.
When I read the quote about it being none of my business would anybody thinks of me... It honestly created a lot of self-confidence.
For just 3 days if you were to consciously remind yourself to walk with perfect posture back straight shoulder straight chest out a little bit head up and tell yourself that would anybody thinks of you is none of your business... I guarantee you you will start to feel a lot better about yourself and you'll start having a lot more clarity when it comes to your relationship.
Another thing to do during that 3 days is to put a smile on your face and hold it for 30 seconds. Doing so will trick your brain into thinking that you are happy and it will cause your brain to release the chemicals that are needed to actually make you feel happy so in other words smiling for 30 seconds will trick yourself into thinking that you are happy and you will start to feel happy. The first couple of seconds the smile will feel awkward because you're forcing it but rest assured it will put you in a good mood and at the end of that 30 seconds it will be a genuine smile.
So again for 3 days walk around with perfect posture head up shoulders back chest out just a little bit remind yourself that anybody's thoughts and opinions about you or none of your business and smile for 30 seconds as needed...
You'll feel a huge difference within yourself I promise

[BlueScorpio]

You are overthinking and it's causes you to have tons of doubts and insecurities. It's going to cause issues in your relationship and can lead to a breakup. I think you're at moment in your life where you need to focus more on yourself and be alone for a while. Your trauma is too great right now and it's poking it's head into your relationship. You have to deal with those demons first, focus on therapy and getting better. You are young, there's plenty of time to date in the future.

[Pyrofox]

Just accept the fact he hasn't left yet.

[Anonymous]

Ugh!