Should I forgive my fiancé for cheating if he did it while he was away from me in a long distance relationship?

[Charmingflower]

[Brainsbeforebeauty]

Only you can make that decision as you're going to be the one to live with the consequences of that decision... But by your own words, this wasn't a one night thing.. This went on for six months, which means he was lying to/deceiving you, keeping secrets for 6 months... That alone should show you this is someone you can't trust.. And trust is a key component in any relationship... As is respect.. He doesn't respect you if he could lie and deceive you for 6 months...

You can't force anyone to respect or love you the way you deserve, but you can choose not to stay and put up with the disrespect..

If you decide to stay/forgive you should get relationship counseling and before going through with getting married.

Good luck to you❤️

[PrettyPriya]

I wouldn’t. For me, cheating is an unforgivable act. It disgusts me, and there is no excuse for it. I would not care if he was in a long distance relationship. Would not matter. It would be over with no second chances.

This should be a huge red flag, but here you are asking if you should accept he cheated. Guess what? Once a cheater always a cheater. Do you honestly think he is going to change?

Furthermore, if you take him back, what is that telling him? What you are saying is that even though he completely betrayed your trust, you’ll take him back. What incentive does he have now to not cheat? He. knows you’ll allow him back.

If you are smart, you’ll walk away. No, run away from this guy. He has completely betrayed you, your relationship and the ever important trust between each other.

Imagine taking your vows and taking his seriously after this. No way.

[Charmingflower]

Do you think he will regret betraying me?
I was always by his side and I trusted him so much
I always waited for him so faithfully that we would be together
I had a negative feeling about myself after he betrayed me, I don't trust myself anymore

[PrettyPriya]

He should feel bad for doing it and betray aunt your trust.

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Baby... you should not trust HIM not yourself, he is no worth you

[hahahmm]

Being engaged isn't a marriage. It's just a trial period leading up to marriage. It's like if you were a great athlete & you got invited to compete in the Olympics. You still gotta win that gold... even tho you won other medals to get to this stage.

He failed massively. He's worse than the guy you never asked cause he knew the stakes and agreed to the situation.

So you don't owe him anything. It's a wrap. No matter how close to the wedding it is or who you already told about the engagement I'd end it. Even if it costs a lot of money... it will cost you more in stress/years if you ignore it.

[hahahmm]

And next time don't even do LD relationships. It just adds another layer of complication. Just because it works out for 10% of people (or whatever) doesn't mean it's a wise use of your time.

[hahahmm]

Better to move to an area that has the types of guys you want than to try LD.

[EmbraceThePain]

Personally, I think you deserve better and should respect yourself enough to move on. Your fiancé may not be a bad or evil person, perhaps just made an honest mistake and is deeply saddened or regretful on it, but that doesn't mean you have to be the one to stay with him.

[Charmingflower]

Yes he is not a bad person but i dont know how he did that.. i can't trust him anymore
You are right.. thank you

[Summeroflove]

Cheating is cheating. You should forgive 💯 but it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him either.


If you think you can both work through this. Then alright. But I think cheating is horrible. I don’t care long distance or not. It’s shitty and wrong

[OlderAndWiser]

Would you allow him to do that after you were married?

[Charmingflower]

Not at all.. no

[OlderAndWiser]

An engagement is like getting a preview of what your marriage would be like. Tolerate that now and he will learn that he can do it without consequences.

Relistically, the only thing you can do is to call off the engagement. Sometimes, people get so wrapped up in the excitement of the dea of getting married that they make getting married the highest priority but you've got to think about what marriage to this guy would be like. Do you want him to be the role model for your future sons?

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

Why you think a stamp "marriage" will change him?
Thats the problem amny women have... you think marrying a cheater you will change him... surprises:YOU won't
I prefer date a guy in status of his girlfriend my whole life and be sure he will never cheat than marry him and see how he cheats

[OlderAndWiser]

@ItsMykolaJenkins You are confused. I never said that marriage would change him.

[ItsMykolaJenkins]

That was for asker girl, sorry mate☺️

[Metal_lover]

@ItsMykolaJenkins REAL

[RangerBlue22]

Most people judge cheating (rightfully) as a black or white issue. That is true 95% of the time. But the details she shared falls more into the 5% “gray area”.

They dated for 7 years. He was away from her a long time. He confessed it to her vs her finding out.

Not telling her to stay with him or not. But if he didn’t respect her at all (or was a sociopath) he would of never confessed this. He clearly knows he done wrong.

Anyway that doesn’t justify what he did. But still this one is much more complicated. It doesn’t fit the mold of the first image of what most people think when it comes to scumbag cheaters.

[Charmingflower]

@RangerBlue22
Yes.. to admit that to me alone made me think whether I should forgive him or not
I wouldn't know if he hadn't confessed to me

[OlderAndWiser]

Quite often, people confess because, afterwards, they feel less guilty.

[RangerBlue22]

I had an extended convo with her in my thread. I can see now how this all happened. He’s not your typical garden variety scumbag. If you read the details he got caught up in the perfect storm.

But he still did very wrong. I don’t think he’s beyond forgiveness but it’s better to call off the marriage.

[OlderAndWiser]

@RangerBlue22 If she is dating to find a partner for a LTR/perhaps marriage/children, then there is no point in continuing the relationship, is there?

[RangerBlue22]

Read my thread and convo with her.

[OlderAndWiser]

@RangerBlue22 "But his betrayal was not for one night, but for 6 months !!" That is the one statement that dictates what she must do.

[RangerBlue22]

@OlderAndWiser never said what this guy did was right. I also told her she’s best calling off the marriage.

But given the circumstances that he was living far away, his father died and he fell into a deep depression I can understand what happened. Doesn’t make it right of course but he’s not the kind of cheater most of people on this thread assumed he is. Still a cheater but I don’t think he did this just this out of pure selfishness. He was emotionally compromised.

She can ultimately forgive him and still love him. But a marriage in the near future is a very bad idea for multiple reasons. You can part ways with someone but still forgive them and love them as a person.

[OlderAndWiser]

@RangerBlue22 Agree that you can part without animosity. And you can forgive what happened. But you can never forget.

[RangerBlue22]

Right. Getting married with this recently happening is not a good idea.

But all considered I don’t think this guy is beyond repentance even possibly reconciliation. But it’s way too early to make a decision to move past that given the severity of the offense.

[OlderAndWiser]

@RangerBlue22 Maybe you could move past one indiscretion but I don't think very many people could move beyond six months of infidelity, unless they stayed in the relationship for the sake of children, or to use the other for financial security or some othter ulterior purpose.

[RangerBlue22]

And that’s her choice. She dated this guy for 7 years and he’s the only man she was involved with. She dreamed of getting married so I can understand the difficulty and agony of just trying to “move on” from this. A part of her wants to forget about it but we both know she never will.

But they break up (amicably) and spend some time apart (I say at least two years) it will add clarity to all of this. She might realize she dodged a bullet if she finds someone else. Or she might go on her own for a while and realize he was (major flaws and all) still the one.

The latter isn’t likely but not impossible. But at least in this scenario he will 100% recognize and have to deal with the real consequences to his actions. Shows that she respects herself. It will also give him time to rectify the mental trauma he has going from the death in his family and heal/grow from that. Also of course he might go down a darker path. I know she doesn’t want that to happen to him. But it will give him clarity and make him think twice about destroying a good thing in the future (even when outside circumstances are pressuring him).

[es20490446e]

You are engaged, and even then he chose to cheat.

This tells me this isn't a one time event, because cheating in that situation really requires low standards.

Don't ever believe that anyone will change, judge them by their present actions.

They can change, but you never know if they will do so. That's the worst situation to start a relationship, not to say a marriage. Not being able to trust your fiancee.

A relationship is based upon trust and respect. If those aren't there, don't play the Russian Roulette. You should not doubt such important decision!

[Shayyyy1]

U don't need to go beyond the if, your just making excuses at this point becsuse u think ur life will be empty without him. Trust him to do it again. I get the whole people and change and you should forgive. But forgetting is the hard part u'll probably be suspisious of him if he goes on a trip faraway without one day. Save urself from the anxiety and dump him. Long distance relationship is no excuse. If she truly loved u and wanted to spend the rest of his life with u he wouldn't do that. it'll suck at first but all u need to do is get tjrough that 1 day without him and u'll be fine. he's doing this now imagine when u get married. Save urself fromthe heartache.

[BlueScorpio]

Um no, you where still together plus he's your fiancée! If he's cheating now. He probably cheat once you get married if you let this slid. He already proven to you that he is not ready for commitment and does not want to be married. This is God's way of sending you giant red flag to not go through this wedding/marriage and cut all ties, otherwise you are asking for a short lived marriage and a future divorce. If he's cheating on you not over long distance, what's going to stop him from doing in in a short distance and after your married? Nothing, cheating is never a mistake it is a choice. Not the choice is yours, walk away or accept a ma who has show he has no loyalty to you.

[BlueScorpio]

Yes you can Forgive him, but don't stay with him and don't marry him either.

[Part2603]

Not right away. Maybe he come come crawling back to you after a few years and he's grown up a bit.

[Charmingflower]

Do you think he will regrets and come back?

[Part2603]

Sorry. No. Probably not. But maybe. I mean, I dunno.

Listen, just because you love him, that doesn't mean you have to compromise your needs for him. He's your fiance and he's already cheating? How was the marriage supposed to go?

Maybe he loves you as much as he's loved anyone. But clearly he's not ready for marriage. And it would be bad if you guys just went ahead and got married anyway.

At least now, you had a dysfunctional boyfriend girlfriend relationship, and it doesn't hurt as bad I guess? But cheating in a marriage I imagine would be devastating, and until you both know that that would never happen you shouldn't do it, right?

In that sense, this might be a "good" thing, if causes you to put your foot down and causes him to figure his shit out, and you can actually be in a marriage and you get your happily ever after.

But it's probably not him. But from his perspective, if it's you, then he needs to figure that out.

[yucychan]

If that is the excuse he gave you for cheating, that it was because he was away from you long distance, then I say cut your losses and just kick him out of your life.

Take in mind that you were also away from him in a long-distance relationship, how come you didn't cheat on him?

[lightbulb27]

Understand… yes try to
Forgive… sure if that heals your soul.
Stay with… only if it’s well understood, he’s remorseful and understands that doesn’t happen again.


I’d probably move on because he’s an idiot that doesn honor his words… but maybe you are willing to train him in time.

[420Rachel]

If he cheats he doesn't truly love you. He may act sorry, he may beg for forgiveness and tell you that he will never do it again. But at the end of the day, he didn't have you in his heart, he wasn't thinking about you. It's a hard truth, but anyone who truly loves their partner would not cheat on them.

[Rania05]

Humans are typically both kind and selfish, give him a chance and he would think it's fine in the future, discuss it with your family and make your choice. Friends, spouse or children aren't as good as parents' pure care and love when one is troubled.

[watercolor_lions]

Forgive him and break it off.

If he can't handle the worst in the beginning, he won't be able to handle it later.

My husband passed that with flying colors. At the beginning of our engagement, I became horribly I'll, to the point I was incapacitated. He stayed faithful and stuck by me until I healed a year later.

You need someone who can show they can be there "for better or worse" from the very beginning. Not grow into it.

[Haha456]

you just want to forgive him because you have low self worth along with low self esteem. if you were a woman with half a brain and decent self worth, you wouldn't ever even consider forgiving a cheater especially if you aren't legally bound to him yet. After you get married, have kids, have a huge mortgage under you and your husband's name, it will be very difficult to leave a cheater. If you want to leave , leave right now before all the responsibilities come in

[red324]

Wonder why I get block on every media device just over a small disagreement and never seen by her again, yet you have people who couldn't care less if someone cheats and just want a logical reason they can wrap their head around so they can go back and forgive them.

[Subarugirl]

Did you find out or did he tell you? If you found out and he only admitted it after you found out, dump him. If he came to you and confessed, go to couples counseling and give him the opportunity to earn you trust back if you really want to try and work things out.

[RangerBlue22]

A few questions: How long was he away? Is he in the military? Did he just confess this to you or did you find out through some other means? Also where you just dating when this happened or already in engaged?

[Charmingflower]

we were together for 5 years then he travel and we started a ldr for 3 years to finish my studies and follow him
it is the final year of the ldr so we were together for like 7 years
he is a doctor and me too
we were engaged when he cheated
and he came and confessed
to me

[RangerBlue22]

This is a tough one. Really tough one.

Normally I would tell a cheater to pound sand. But he confessed it to you. Sounds like he got bored, lonely and something came along to tempt him and he made the wrong decision.

How did he act when he confessed? Did he show strong remorse? Did he blame you for anything?

The million dollar question is this: will it ever happen again? How can he convince you it won’t ever happen.

[Charmingflower]

Yes he was very remorseful
He told me it was the worst period of his life after his father's death
And he feels so guilty that he contemplated suicide for this reason
But his betrayal was not for one night, but for 6 months !!
And i trusted him so much that I didn't even feel it

[RangerBlue22]

6 months? Major detail right there. Game changer.

I first thought he was bored/lonely and some random attractive woman came on to him and he made a one time mistake. But six f*cking months? No way his relationship was purely physical with her if it was that long. It’s like a man who continually sleeps with the same prostitute for 6 months. At that point he wants more than just sex from her.

Anyway I know that’s painful and devastating to read above. I don’t envy your situation. But he is cheating out of feelings of abandonment/loneliness. That’s actually worse than just lust in many ways.

I recommend you get professional advice about this. Also I am sorry this happened to you. Truly you didn’t deserve that.

[Charmingflower]

Yes you are right it is very hard and painfull.. thank you

[Charmingflower]

Do you think he loved her?

[RangerBlue22]

Nobody on GAG is going to give you a perfect answer to this. But I can understand why your shared it.

Men can be impulsive sexually. That doesn’t excuse cheating but in certain scenarios it can make a really bad decision understandable (but not justified).

He was cheating to get an emotional need met that you were unable to provide. I realize you had distance issue but still you can be very supportive to someone over phone calls, texts and even video chat.

There really is a deeper problem with him. While I do think his remorse was genuine I also believe this issue will continue. Only he can resolve it himself. You can help but it’s ultimately up to him.

[Charmingflower]

Yes i share it because its my first love.. first relationship.. Yes, I am very sad. He promised me a lot that he would not let me down, but he did
Inside me I know the truth.. 6 months is not only physical betrayal, I think he has feelings for her that he did not admit
But I need to hear the truth from other people to believe what happened

[RangerBlue22]

Also for what its worth I do not think he’s scumbag/sociopath. I think mental trauma from everything that happened eventually blurred the lines between right and wrong. Again doesn’t justify what he did.

But unless you are ready to truly forgive him and reconcile (and I don’t think you are) this is going to haunt your marriage and likely sabotage it.

Your choice but I would call of the marriage. Tell him you still love him (I think you do) but also tell him what he did is more due to deep underlying trauma that is warping his decision making. No woman not even you can heal what he’s going through with the death in the family. But until he comes to peace with that then it will impact his serious relationships.

This is so tragic. Again I can see how he got broken down but he willfully engaged in a very choice. He could of walked away from that other girl the moment he realized he was relying on her for emotional support and not just sex. But he didn’t.

[Charmingflower]

Thank you very much
Your words were like medicine to me
Thank u..

[RangerBlue22]

Answering your earlier question. He needed companionship and support after his father died. The proximity issue didn’t help either.

I wonder how he met her (I know he won’t give details). Maybe it started out innocent and friendly. He shared what he was going through. She was supportive of him and then things progressed to another level.

Unless he lied to her (and I don’t think he did) about being engaged she is a scumbag in many ways. He’s a doctor which makes him a desirable commodity to a lot of women. Also given he was already taken also unfortunately makes him more attractive to many women. She also gave him “motherly” support which men sometimes need in situations like his. But it’s next to impossible for someone not to have sexual feelings in those scenarios when it’s a straight man and woman in age dating range (it even happens in big age gaps).

Anyway he still made a voluntarily decision to date her for 6 months. Yes his mind was compromised and he was vulnerable but he continually made that decision nonetheless.

I think you should call off the marriage. Again it’s not because of the incident itself or you don’t love him anymore. But I doubt this issue is firmly resolved right now.

If you want to give him a chance to make it up to you then take a break from him. Let some time pass. If 2+ years pass and you both still believe you were meant for each other then maybe consider getting married again. But getting married won’t magically solve this.

[RangerBlue22]

Nothing like giving the right medicine TO the doctor 😉

[Charmingflower]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart🥰

[RangerBlue22]

Feel free to DM whenever.

[MindYourEyes]

I dead ass wouldn’t.
But that’s up to you. Can you forgive him and move on? Or will he do it again?

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

You should always be forgiven but understand if you do take him back doubt will always be in your head about his fidelity and such doubt will ruin trust and intimacy which a relationship definitely needs to be successful.

Obviously you know him more than us, so the decision is yours to make.

[Sixgunsound]

If you are at that level in the relationship and he still looking elsewhere, what makes you think he’s going to stop looking elsewhere the next time it’s away from you after you’re married?

[Anonymous]

Nooooo. If he can't stand a ldr he shouldn't be in one but if he chose to be in a long distance relationship he has to be loyal. if he cheated it means he is till looking for other girls while he knows you exist and it means he can do it again even if you started seeing each others frequently.

[mrmonogamous]

You are in more than just a committed relationship – you are engaged to be married! I would drop him like a bad habit. If he cheats on you while you’re engaged, he will cheat on you while you’re married.