Why am I self-sabotaging my relationship?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together 2.5+ years now. Things have always been so great between us. The one challenge I have is that he's not an emotionally expressive person. He doesn't tell me he loves me, he's not physically affectionate, etc. But he's always there for me when I need him, he spends a lot of time with me, he makes plans with me for years in advance, he remembers tiny little things that I once mentioned in passing. The logical side of me knows he cares, but I think NEVER hearing it is starting to catch up to me. I sit here and try to analyze the things he does that SHOW how much he cares, but it's just at a point where it's mentally exhausting to try to figure it out on my own without hearing it from him.

I've started picking at little things trying to get him to open up. It doesn't work. Instead, I just end up making things awkward between us. I feel dumb because I really do know he cares, so I don't understand why I'm doing this. But it's almost like I can't help it. I told my boyfriend I need verbal reassurance but he still doesn't say anything. He grew up in a very non-emotional family, so it's just not something he is used to doing (I'm not even sure he knows how to).

Still... I know he cares. So how do I stop self-sabotaging my relationship?

[Anonymous]

“Tell her you love her by everything you do except by saying it”.

- Doc Love.

“Men fall in love by what they see and women fall in love by what they hear. That’s why women wear make up and men lie.”

- Jordan Peterson

I guess in the early stages of the relationship this guy did everything right because talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. Seriously would you rather have a guy saying “I love you” all the time but he doesn’t show it in his actions or vice versa?

Guys have a harder time saying “I love you” because when we say it we aren’t just expressing an emotion we are feeling vs how most women say it.

Two of my ex gfs both said “I love you” just to badly burn me a few months later. One completely ghosted me after a minor argument (she was much younger but it still hurt a lot). The other cheated on me a week before she dumped me (I didn’t know about it at the time). She then gave me one of the worst insults I’ve taken from a woman in my life.

Anyway saying “I love you” is something much deeper. It’s a pledge of loyalty. Most guys will never quickly abandon, abuse or worst of all ghost someone after saying that just as long the other person doesn’t do something extremely crazy. So we have a lot further to fall when things go south.

With all that said you have been dating this guy for 2.5 years so you do have some grounds to hear that (different story if it was less than 5 years.).

I would sit down and talk to him about it. Don’t push him. Also make sure you understand his position. Tell him you understand his upbringing. Also tell him that you realize it’s tougher for men. Let him know if things ever get difficult between you two that you won’t forget his vulnerability nor abuse it.

Men stay closed off because unlike women we don’t get shoulders to cry on when things go wrong. We see other men who act emotionally expressive getting less respect.

I know this because I used to be a very sensitive guy. Despite what anyone says it most people don’t respect that. Women say they like but most of them don’t. In fact from my experiences women have less respect for sensitive men than other men do. They feel those guys are relatable and just feel relieved men have feelings. But that’s not the same as being respected as a real man. That’s why guys are usually more closed off.

[Adam1978]

How much do you express your love to him? Personally I think you should just let it go, you have a good relationship. You will regret destroying it.

[Asker]

You're 1000% right. Thank you

[stellamint]

You and your boyfriend seem to have completely different love languages, yours might be words of affirmation and physical touch. While, his, seem to be, quality time and acts of service. The key here is that you are aware that he does love you, even though he doesn't express it in your love language. You're not self-sabotaging by expressing your needs. And expressing them to your boyfriend, is the healthy way to go about it.

However, what might be a self-sabotaging behaviour is the spiralling that you're experiencing when your needs are not meant. Whenever you find yourself in that situation, try to give yourself what you need. Hug yourself, say kind words to yourself. It will stop the negative cycle.

I understand where your boyfriend comes from, since I come from a very non-emotional family where we never showed affection, or never even said I love you to each other. But this is not an excuse to not make an effort in a romantic relationship. It is very hard to open up, but not impossible. Take it slow and be patient, as long as he's showing that he's willing to make an effort.

My advice would be to sit down with him, and have an honest conversation. Tell him that you understand that he loves you, but you do have some needs. Ask him what his needs are, as well, so he feels that it's not a one sided issue, and that you genuinely care about meeting his needs and make him feel loved the way he wants.

[foxyfan]

Ah girl, don't beat yourself about it. We (women) usually desire emotionally expressive men. And men are usually very closed off about their emotions. The five languages of love include Words of affirmation and physical touch - among the other three. Most men weren't raised in families or societies that allowed them to be emotional beings so your boyfriend's behavior is ( I don't wanna say acceptable but I can't find a better word). For a relationship to work, you obviously need to have good communication. So instead of picking on small things to get to him, just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Be gentle with him and I'm sure he'll work on it. He's not gonna change overnight but he'll eventually get there.

[Asker]

You're right, thank you!

[Bethany22]

Find other hobbies to take your mind off of caring about that so much. However, it actually sounds like both of you are self-sabotaging the relationship, if he refuses to start telling you he loves you.

[Shayyyy1]

Had the same issue with a guy I was eating this year. I broke up with cause I talked about it a few times before felt like I was the only on vocal about my feelings. But I guess touch was more of his thing. Not even sure if we were saying since he never really asked me to be his girlfriend. There was never really a label on it. Do I regret it? Yes. Try getting him use to it maybe get him out of his shell it'll take time of course but don't give up. He sounds like a nice guys , they r hard to find.

[BlueScorpio]

It sounds like you want a partner that expresses love and he just doesn't fill that part for you. You can try to sit down and talk about with him and how the lack of affection is bothering you to see how he responds. But if he's just not the type to show his love and that's something you need in a relationship, then maybe the both of you aren't compatible. I too also like hearing I love you from my husband, getting kisses, holding etc. I'm sure there people out there for the both of you that will fit each other better.

[glennos89]

Communication is key to every succesfull relationship. The whole story you just wrote to us... is what you need to tell him

Be open and honest to eachother about everything that's on your mind. Talk to eachother about these insecurity's and let your partner know what he can do to make those feelings go away. Just tell him that you would appreciate it if he can tell you that he loves you more often! If he knows what to do to make you feel better it helps tremendously to keep the relationship healthy and avoid unnescecary arguments or fights!

In a good relationship there are no taboo's. Just communicate more about how you feel and you will see that your relationship grows to a higher level 😉

[JustinTheGreat]

I agree with the other user. Everyone has a different love language. Words of affirmation seem to be one of yours. Even though he’s not naturally an emotional person, he should take into consideration that it’s important to you.
If he still doesn’t put in that effort, then it’s time to acknowledge that you guys are clearly on a different page when it comes to how you express love and maybe you need to find someone who expresses it the way you want.

[TrueConfection]

This is well said! 👍

[CA4444]

Deep down I’m very shy I would not say these words easily… maybe he’s the same, it’s sounds silly/simple but it’s down to personality and how you grow up traumas trust issues etc that makes it very difficult to open up or just plain impossible and you can’t force these things, only time and deep trust can help and if he reflects on his own and is comfortable with you

[midnightmoon05]

How does he respond when you being cute and says…honey I love you!! Hugs and kisses?
how does he respond when his gave him a massage and being playful and hunts to have him gave you massages?

some guys may need some training to feel comfortable.

[Lynx122]

Telling someone your needs is not self sabotaging. You can make sacrifices to be with someone you almost have to it seems but you shouldn't tell yourself there's something wrong with you for having the needs in the first place.

[Anonymous]

im in a worse spot then you. she would tell guys she's known for 4 to 6 months she loves them but me the guy she's known for 5 years she won't say she loves me. how do you think that makes me feel. she would rather tell complete strangers she loves them but not me the guy who's been there for her through her lowest of lows and highest of highs she can't utter those three words to me but has no problem telling guys who she barely knows for 4 and 6 months she loves them. how do you think that makes me feel. like complete shit that's how like i'm taken for granted

[Voldra]

Express how you feel & be honest, communication is one of the pillars that supports a good relationship, see how he responds, particularly action/s. Most men are not mind readers, best to be very blunt; as far as sabotaging goes I used to do this all the time & took me AGES to find the answers. In my case I had to deal with undealt with past trauma to stop that from happening.

[Anonymous]

He's going to have you throw you a bone here and there. It seems that words of affection or physical touch is your love language so he is going to have to do this for you little by little. I bet that he is willing to express affection this way but you are going to have to be direct because he's a guy and he's not a mind-reader. He won't know unless you tell him how and why this is important to you.

[rienna888]

Ooo that’s kinda tough, it does sound like he cares. Every time you doubt him try to think about the times he’s been there for you. Don’t let him go

[slatyb]

Because you are unhappy but are afraid to initiate a break-up. So instead you passive-aggressively hope to drive him to break up with you.

[dustybiker]

Stop thinking. Go with your gut. Thinking often makes things too complicated.

[TrueConfection]

What is his reaction when you tell him you love him?

[PetiteBabe64]

So you don't even know why your doing it figure out then why then You can stop obsessing.

[sheenagwapa]

you are not self-sabotaging yoy are just beinh true to yourself

[Twalli]

My girlfriend actually mentioned that to me once. Now we make a joke about it. I made a deal that every day I don't say it when we're together, I have to do 20 pushups.

[Fromdusktilldawn]

You know its often when men actuslly express thrir feelings society mocks them and displays them as less masculine and as weak.

[maximumpower]

You subliminally don't value the relationship or your SO.