If a cheater confesses, is that at least better than those that get caught?

[Anonymous]

I once had a boyfriend that admitted to me the next day. His first words were ''(my name) I really have bad news. I cheated yesterday and feel like a horrible person. You don't deserve this. I'm so sorry''

I thanked him for at least having the guts to come and say it in my face instead of lying and keeping me in the dark. I'm generally harsh on cheater but I actually don't hate him as much as the other cheaters that continue cheating until they get caught.

If they come clean on their own are they at least better than those that get caught?

Updates

1 y

I heard from others he sought counseling and hasn't cheated on another girl ever since. That's the only time I've heard of a cheater coming forward and telling me himself.

[ConspiracyTheorist]

Yes it's better because it shows that he was sincerely sorry for what he had done and not just sorry he got caught, plus I think in that situation if y'all had stayed together you would be able to have trust in him still.

I gave my wife multiple opportunities to tell me the truth and should've just realized that I knew but she deny deny deny until I left her no other option and as much as I wanted to trust her I couldn't at all because even though she said sorry about it and some other shit but how could I believe her if she was still lying... anyway I got it from her eventually and it didn't help because she had no other option but to admit it and actually this was just messages I seen but still she tried saying her friend did it on her messenger haha I'm not stupid woman.

[Asker]

Yes it wasn't easy for him. His tone, his voice was kind of trembling as he was admitting it. He had a sad expression full of guilt. He was sad about the break-up but that's the outcome. It's an immediate break-up but I've kept him as a platonic friend. We're dating other people by now and talk once in a while.
If I had to find out myself or catch him cheating, he would've been forever on my blocked list. I wouldn't even want to listen to the reasons why nor anything coming out of his mouth.

[Asker]

Sorry to hear about your wife and from the looks of it she's only sorry that she got caught and had no other option but to admit it. That's terrible. I wouldn't want that.

[ConspiracyTheorist]

Yeah I'm sure she is a total narcissist because I also got her and this other dude on record on mp3 player talking about a camping trip that our work place was having for us all and she explains to him why she bought this tent and asks if he wants to go and he asked if I was going and she said no and then he says hellyeah I'm going and both of them deny that shit and I have it recorded even... but I left the damn thing sitting out one night and it disappeared.

[MementoMori_]

"I thanked him for at least having the guts to come and say it in my face instead of lying and keeping me in the dark."

Then I dumped his ass!

[Asker]

What's so funny? I still dumped him. Cheating has the same result for me; I break up and we never get back together.
The only difference is the reaction. If I had caught him or found out elsewhere, I would've felt more disgusted and even more furious. They wouldn't even be a platonic friend but forever blocked.

[MementoMori_]

If I wanted to keep a girlfriend, hearing her thank me would hardly be any consolation. Sometimes men cheat even when they love someone. They make mistakes and regret it. Doesn't mean they will be happy with a "I really admire your honesty." Better off saying nothing and just not doing it again.

[Asker]

Better off not cheating to begin with. Not every women takes back a cheater and I'm one of them.

[DaveJord]

I think its some what of a redeeming quality to come clean. It does not excuse the what happened, but it makes it easier for the person the long run to find closure, even if it is more painful in the short term. People make mistakes, and when they own up to them I think it makes it easier for them and the other person to learn from the mistake and do better going forward.

It takes a lot of courage for someone to addmit it, and to come clean without you pinning them down on the facts. That means they really did think a lot of you, or at least enough to want to tell you the true instead of having you find out later after you have continued to invest into a relationship over a period of time not knowing.

I am not saying you should forgive them for having enough integrity for coming forward... but I would say its good of them to have the decency to do it. Its better then just having someone split or ghost on you and leave you wondering what you did wrong.

[OlderAndWiser]

There are always exceptions to the rule, and this guy may be one of those exceptions. However, I think when cheaters confess, it is usually done because they want to be relieved of the guilt that they feel. . . so it is one more thing that they are doing for a selfish reason.

[Asker]

I've noticed on his expression, he was having a hard time telling me that. He had a sad expression and his voice was kind of trembling. He was so full of guilt.

I kept him as a friend but we'll never have a relationship. While cheating is the same outcome on me regardless of how I found out (an immediate break-up), my reaction varies. If I had to find out elsewhere or catch him, I wouldn't even be friends with him. He would be blocked permanently.

[OlderAndWiser]

Good rationale!

[coachTanthony]

--------Actually YES. here's why. When a cheater confesses you at least can go get checked out for health purposes. FUCK them at this point but now look out for yourself.

[Pinay_ako]

I’d rather you be mean than love and lie. Just don’t break my heart slow

[Asker]

yeah honesty in your face is way better than going behind your back for so long

[Finchie40]

The thing about taking a cheater back is the fact that you are taking a 50/50 chance on whether they will cheat on you again , It’s best to move on from them even though he did the right thing by telling you the truth it still shows his true character that he cheated period , I cheated on a girl once when I was younger and I told her the truth and that i understand if she wants to end things with me and that she deserves better , She wanted to stay with me and work it out. I felt like the biggest piece of shit considering I had no right cheating on her and told her that i won’t do it again even though I did not cheat on her again , I became my own worst enemy and felt that she was going to cheat on me for revenge , So I had to end the relationship and realized if I truly valued her I wouldn’t of cheated on her , So again I am not saying it can’t work it’s just going to be a bumpy ride , My advice to you is if you take him back make sure you give him reassurance that you aren’t going to cheat on him and make sure you set boundaries with him , He dug his own grave so if he can’t follow the boundaries then you are best to let him go

[Asker]

Nope, I never take back cheaters. I placed him on the permanent friendzone. He's a platonic friend for his honesty. Getting cheated on (regardless of how I find out) has the same outcome: an immediate break-up.

[Finchie40]

Then in my opinion you are doing the right thing

[lightbulb27]

yes. Unless someone was raised/trained with standards, then they may not think enough to avoid creating problems, falling into traps of life. They may not think how hurtful such an act will be as our society seems to promote filth rather than quality. some guys don't know how manipulative girls are (some guys are baited) nor their own weakness and vulnerability, as well their own motives and emotions may be corrupt... even if they are "Christian" or whatever. Dont' believe BS labels... it's a human. People don't know their reactions until they are tested. Without training in values... they can be in trouble fast.

what matters is how that event changed that person. If a person found root causes, developed new value, made legitimate change, then ok... that was life changing. doesn't mean you have to stay with them, that's your choice since trust was broken. Some people do, some don't and it is hurtful.

[Asker]

The only thing that changes when someone confesses to cheating is my reaction isn't as harsh as if I were to find out elsewhere or catch them. I still end the relationship though.

[Chris_Morgan]

It's definitely better than the cheaters who continue to cheat for years and waste their partner's time, put them at risk for STDs, and leave them hurt and feeling betrayed and worthless. However, the person who cheats and then admits it the next day is still pretty inconsiderate, because 1). If they really cared about you they wouldn't have done it, and 2). they're basically just trying to unload their guilt and put everything on to their partner. They feel like a weight has been lifted off of them after they confess and shift the pain to you.

It's admirable that he got counselling and never cheated again though. That's rare and it shows that he must have a conscience.

[Asker]

Yes it wasn't easy for him. His tone, his voice was kind of trembling as he was admitting it. He had a sad expression full of guilt. He was sad about the break-up but that's the outcome. It's an immediate break-up but I've kept him as a platonic friend. We're dating other people by now and talk once in a while.
If I had to find out myself or catch him cheating, he would've been forever on my blocked list. I wouldn't even want to listen to the reasons why nor anything coming out of his mouth.

[TallAnon]

Let's think this through then.
The reason he confessed is because he had guilt.
That means two things, the first is that he has enough humanity to place himself in your shoes and consider how you would feel; Empathy. The second is that he selfishly decided to hurt you in order to relieve his guilt; Egoism.
So in one way he's shown empathy, in another way he has shown egoism.
Life is never black and white, but those roughly equal out in my book. So in my opinion, he's neither better or worse, the fact that he cheated remains.

[2Wheels]

I would say definitely yes. It would take massive guts to confess something like that.
It would come as a lighter blow than finding it out yourself I would think.
I'm not so sure on the forgivable end of things though. That would definitely depend on a lot of things. How long you've been together, are you married, have kids, etc.

[Telekinetic-Potato]

If she did it once a long time ago and told me, I can probably look past it. If she did it recently and told me, it makes me feel like she's going to do it again and I can't trust her.

For something like that, context is big for me because there's really not a lot of situations where I see it playing out where we're still in a relationship once it's all over.

[Aerissa_Jade]

Yes, those that confess are better than those that get caught.

I've often said... if caught there is a 100% chance of things ending, but if they confess they might have a 30% chance of counseling and working things out. Still not good odds but definitely better than 0%

[BlueScorpio]

I think it's better to tell the truth then them finding out about later, cause eventually it's going to come out. Plus what's the point in staying in a relationship that doesn't make you happy? Instead ofbcheating, just break up and be single. Better to be alone then cheat.

[FreyaRed]

It doesn't matter, if they confessed they did it for themselves and not for you. There is no other option than to dump them and to destroy their existence if you have the power to do that.
It's nothing personal after the point they cheated.

[VanguardTitan]

Well it definitely better than ones who try to hide it. But of course that doesn't make the actual thing any better, it's still a deal breaker and violation of trust.
I'd hate them for what they did but respect them for giving me the dignity of telling me honestly. I'd still breakup tho.

[MountAverage]

Of course it's better. Whether it's enough to make the relationship work after it happened, is another question.

[Asker]

I still dumped him though. I can't continue having a relationship with someone that cheats. It's an immediate deal-breaker for me.
However, my reaction differs in comparing to how it would be if I found out elsewhere or if I had caught him. Since he confessed himself and really had a terrible look on his face (even his voice kind of trembling when he said it), I hold him at a different degree than cheaters that only apologize when they get caught.

[MountAverage]

Sounds good.

[AviatorTom]

Everyone makes mistakes, and it's always good to admit the mistake and learn from it. Cheating is not good, but sometimes it happens, and confessing is the better thing to do.

[Tekkasonic]

I've never understood why people think there is love if people cheat. If you respect and care for someone it shouldn't be hard. I think if you cheat there is no love there and the relationship should end and move on...

[Asker]

Yes he know that cheating was a break-up but still told me. He was sad about it. It's the same outcome for me if someone cheats but depending on how I find out, this is how my reaction varies:
- I don't find out, they confess like he did: I thanked them and let them talk but it's still over. I can keep them as a platonic friend but there will never be a relationship.
- I find out elsewhere or someone else tells me: I don't even want to know the reason. They can get the hell out of my life and I tell others about it, exposing him. I blocked him on all my pages.
- I catch them with the person or in the act: I tell him all the bad words in the dictionary, to get the hell out of my life, refuse to listen to anything he has to say and expose him publically on FB. I block him on all my pages.

[Tekkasonic]

Yep agree. There is some honor or respect in owning what you do. sorry you had to go through that, I can believe it sucked eitherway.

[Rockstarrrrr]

Yeah I think it's much better... They still have respect for you

[Asker]

Yes and that's the only reason I've kept him as a friend. He knows we'll never get back but he talk once in a while as friends.
If I had found out elsewhere or catch him cheating, he would be on my forever blocked list.

[Rockstarrrrr]

Yeah... He didn't just walk over you and fool you completely... He messed it up but he still respect you so he realized he shouldn't take advantage of you like that and that he should come clean instead of hiding it even though it means you'll instantly leave him... it's over... But at least he didn't use you and owned up to his mistakes... That means it won't hurt deep at all

[tzdc21]

They are still POS, but at least they told me as opposed to keeping it a secret and me finding out on my own.

[shanshu]

Depends really, is it really because of his guilt or possibly you would of found out sooner anyway, maybe from the person who he cheated on you with or the person who caught him cheating.

If there was no trail leading from the person he cheated on you with then would he still have told you?

In the end of it yes it was better coming from him