Question for the girls, how to make my girlfriend more comfortable around me and not pressured to do anything she doesn't want?

[Anonymous]

I've liked my current girlfriend 2 years before she agreed to date me. The thing is she has a phobia of men her date was pretty abusive growing up and his friend lets say death is too good for him. Her mom got her eventually luckily. He hit her a few times when he was mad at her. She got therapy for it growing up and doesn't have panic attacks around the opposite gender as long as they don't touch her. I didn't know this the first time we met and I grabbed her shoulder to talk to her completely freaking her out her best friend almost bit my head. I apologized and explained myself but after that she just ignored me for whatever reason. I started to try to talk to her whenever i got the chance too and she'd avoid me like the plague. The pandemic didn't help anything either but in the second year of uni we became partners in a class we both had to take, it was my silver lining. We talked online for those two years of online and met in person a few times and she wasn't avoiding me anymore and would say hi when she saw me. She explained her phobia to me so i began to watch my words and actions around her a lot more. Her friend became a lot less hostile around. I've even met her brothers who have said she's a lot more calmer nowadays and less terrified of their friends. I asked her out and we've been going out since February this year so 7 months. She's okay around me, we hold hands, i always kiss her cheek or forehead. I don't do anything too intimate unless she initiates it. I'm waiting on her, however she asked why i won't kiss her on the lips a few days ago and i explained she seemed to understand but was she disappointed because I don't do that? I just don't wanna freak her out, I'm doing okay right? Physical Touch is my love language and she knows that, I just don't want her to feel pressured by it, I'm over the moon when she just hugs me or holds my hand, how can i tell if she's forcing herself too or she really wants too. I really love her.

[sunflower00]

You sound like you’re doing amazing. It’s great to hear you’re being so considerate!


I think it really comes down to the individual. You can usually tell by body language or facial expression whether someone is enjoying it or is forcing themselves to do something. I understand her phobia, and it can be difficult to tell what’s ok to say or do and what isn’t, but just because she does have this fear doesn’t mean she doesn’t like affection or physical touch. I think her asking the question is a good indicator that she would like you to kiss her. Maybe just try not to take it too far, keep it at a kiss rather than starting to touch her or anything. Maybe indicate you would like to kiss her or ask if it’s ok if you do before you do it (sounds like it would kill the mood but if you ask in the right way it defo wouldn’t).


I would also advise maybe sitting down and having a convo with her to see where she stands, would she like you to ask before you kiss her etc? What is she ok with and what is she not ok with? It’s good to be clear about these things I suppose and communication always works in my experience.


I think you’re doing great. As long as you keep respecting her, showing her love, kindness and patience she will slowly become more trusting and comfortable :)

[Asker]

Took your advice kept it short and she kissed me back. SO kissing is okay for, I kept my hands on her cheek. I'll bring up what she's okay and not okay with another time. We are hanging out later next week so i'll bring it up then. I don't wanna bombard her with stuff.

[ZOSETTSKY]

I am seriously saying this from the heart as a fellow man with Love , the Fact that u said 2 years before she " agreed " to date u that. Makes wens3 linguistically tho that is a reflection and dimension of what is wrong with every part of this aspect of the relationship don't let the feeling of needing to worry flood ur mind u don't have to babysit a girls emotions , does she do the opposite for you , does she babysit ur emotions instead of caring for them qnd always try to worry if u want sex or not, it doesn't seem so and sorry this with live but that "agreed" part is like the redflag that is posted on the problem and she won't respect a guy that's always worrying about if she's OK DO NOT WORRY IF SHE FEELS LIKE SHE HAS TO PUT OUT UNLESS SHE WORRIES FOR U ABOUT IF U WANT HER TO PUT OUT, that agreed part is like the branch that leads to tree that is the problem in that aspect t and manifests in other ways , be confident don't try to worry if she feels this or that a relationship is 50 50 and it seems like she got u used to pulling more than ur fair share she will, probably feel less obligated and comfortable if u put out the energy of u need eachother both equally and that's how u behave around her that's the path
God bless

[TheFlak38]

I stopped reading after the second line. The usual female bullshit. She portrays herself as the ultimate victim to indirectly tell you how much of an innocent princess she is and if you want to have her you must treat her in a very special way, put up with her bullshit and irrational demands and basically become a circus animal jumping through her hoops. As if all this is not enough you come and ask for female advice. Women will only give you the worst advice possible. Ask any woman what her ideal man is like and she will describe you a slave. Long story short, if a girl asks you to put up with all this bullshit you dump her and move on. The same girl would fuck have fucked you doggystyle without even knowing your name if you happened to be the man of her astronomical standards. The rules are just the man who is jumping through her hoops.

[Asker]

I don't know what crappy experiences you've been through in the past but that's urs to resolve. I like her and I want to make her comfortable around me and if I gotta jump through hoops like a circus animal then so be it, none of her demands are irrational, they're normal I don't mind taking it slow, it's normal to get consent in a relationship. I've been through my fair share of hookups and girls who didn't want a serious relationship or dated me just because. You can dump this girl and move on, but u gotta scratch the lottery ticket first before deciding if it's worth it or not and i think she more than is.

[TheFlak38]

Go on then bro. Turn yourself into her therapist. For her you will always be a loser who must put up with her bullshit. She will never respect you.

[Guy13]

Soft energy, tone, eyes, and fun will do it.

[Asker]

Thanks for the advice. I'll have to look for more indoor fun options she doesn't really leave her house unless it's to water her plants, grocery shopping or her friend drags her out for some well needed sunlight. So crowded places are long off the list, maybe a park she likes plants or one of those plant shops.

[Guy13]

Park, paddle boat, carousel 🎠 🎠🎠🎠🎠 cheap food, bring old bread to illegal feed ducks, bad food or 5-10 minutes to Downtown etc..

[MoniqueTLC]

Sounds like she has haphephobia towards men touching her? That can be really traumatic for the individual and sounds like she's made some really good progress. Just keep doing what you're doing. I think you'd pick up on her demeanour if she was doing something she didn't want to.

She clearly feels comfortable with you, so the next time you want to kiss her, just ask her out of respect if it's okay, and to not give her any frights as that can initiate a panic attack.

[Asker]

Okay thanks will remember that.

[WhitneySnow]

You sound really awesome. Just take it slow don’t pressure her ask permission before you touch her.

[Asker]

Thanks, I have been doing that a lot since we started dating, it helps.

[Asker]

I do wait for her to initiate it most of the time tho.