Should I stay in my relationship?

Question

Our relationship is comfortable and I love him but it's missing passion. It's been a year and a half and it's sad to say but I think depression is the biggest issue here. He doesn't have deep conversations with me, he doesn't have sex with me, he has never gotten me birthday or Christmas gifts with out me asking. I feel like I constantly lead and he follows. To be fair he has progressively gotten better throughout the relationship but I don't know if I should keep waiting for him to grow into the partner I need. He's social, funny, so so kind, and i know he loves me very much. there isn't a bad bone in his body, he just isn't a great boyfriend. He wants to get married and have babies within the next few years but he has no ambition to pursue a career. We don't fight, but when I bring up issues (and I'm the only one who brings up issues) he shuts down and doesn't talk with me. I feel very naggy most of the time. Im the only one with a job atm and in a way its proven to me that i can handle life on my own financially. I know it is probably in my best interest to part ways but we live together and I really don't want to hurt him. I feel as though i love him more as friend then a boyfriend/partner/lover. I feel very responsible for him and I don't know how to navigate breaking up at all. I also want to know if anyone here with more life experience can tell me there is a chance he will get his life together an learn to be a great partner to me. If that can happen I do want it.

Finchie40 · Accepted Answer

The problem is that your expectations are to high and you feel like you are missing out on something , the passion isn’t there because of your expectations , He isn’t filling the void that you crave , please don’t get offended but Sadly to say most girls are this way to their men because most girls are selfish people , Most girls think her man is supposed to be able to read her mind and be her knight in shining armor because of the stupid
Lifetime movies she watches that are scripted , Most girls live with the grass is greener syndrome in them thinking they deserve better than what they already have , most girls can not be content Why most men today don’t want to get into relationships and marriages because Girls tend to get bored because their emotional needs aren’t met , so the passion is gone she thinks she can change him and mold him into the man that she craves but when push comes to shove you can’t change anyone. someone has to want to change for themselves, you have to look back at what made you date him in the first place , what was it about him that you loved? That is the man you need to hold on to not the imaginary one you made up in your head , My ex wife that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with completely did a 360 on me , she was my best friend , I thought I finally met a girl that knew what it meant to be in a relationship, She made me feel valued and wanted , we had amazing chemistry and connection and the sex was amazing , she was my best friend , my lover I would protect her at all cost , We ended up getting married and having 3 children together , I worked my ass off to provide and loved her with all my heart , things weren’t always perfect but we stuck together and got through whatever obstacles came our way as a team , Her dream was to be married and have babies have a house and family etc. I did what I had to do to get that for her , busted my ass working 2 jobs , tended to her needs Cooked bud cleaned but eventually nothing I did was good enough All I asked for was her love and affection and intimacy , But as time went on after she got what she wanted she started getting bored and all of a sudden I was a piece of shit to her , She started criticizing me , belittling me and comparing me to other guys and making me feel like I wasn’t a good man , I know I am not perfect but I know I am not a horrible person and I removed my selfishness for her I loved her with all my heart but that wasn’t good enough for her , She started saying the passion is gone started avoiding intimacy and affection with me and treating me like a room mate , anytime I tried to initiate a hug or a kiss I was denied , For me to get intimacy from her I had to do something for her , when before it was never an issue , she started making ultimatums , if I forgot to do something she asked me to do I was a piece of shit , she never took in to perspective of my feelings , if I had a bad day at work or I am stressed about something , it was only about her , She orried about everyone else and prioritizes everyone else but didn’t prioritize me anymore , I believed in love and marriage and I stood by praying she would come to her senses and realize she is the one being the piece of shit , to come to find out she was screwing a co worker behind my back , So again most girls are selfish people bottom line , if you can’t remove selfishness for your partner you are best not to marry this guy , because it will be a waste of time considering he isn’t filling your voids already , So my advice to you is don’t waste his time either because you are eventually going to do what my ex did to me , You eventually won’t avoid temptation because he isn’t filling your expectations, You will see another guy that you feel is better than your boyfriend and let this other guy fuck your brains out because in your mind this other guy is filling the void you are missing not realizing this other guy is just using
You for sex , The grass isn’t greener on the other side

Makeushiver · Accepted Answer

Inevitable. The 16 times a day sex starts to disappear. Also sex is often use it or lose it issue. I'm always hornier if I have had the good fortune too give dates a pearl necklace. The description sounds like it could be pretty depressing. You can't act like a Mom to him forever. The economy can make th99ings difficult. Some men need to be the primary breadwinner for their egos, Depression and the drugs most often prescribed for short term depression cn wreak hell on sex. All the SSRIs prescribed i. e. Prozac, Paxil, Cymbalta et al have as their contraindications like lowering lbido, as well as weight gin. There are a couple id antti depressants There is an SSNI ( sorry to waste space if you already know this but SSRI = selective serotonin inhibitor and the only SNRI ( selective norepinephrine inhibitor. Opiates, alcohol and a few other drugs can ruin a libido. Alcohol is the worst offender as it bot only deadens sensation but often causes neuropathy. If it occurred on his glorious manhood. If you'd like to include your phone # therwe a5re other alternative to address the sexual issue. I'm a specialist in this field. OfteN a few years of treatment clears it up. I am an "orgasm whisperer"

CA4444 · Accepted Answer

If he doesn’t have a job I don’t see how he can be not depressed and a good partner it’s a very bad situation for him and for the relationship, so he would need to change but that has nothing to do with you, maybe suggest therapy, or make your own choice and leave if you can’t handle it anymore… people can change drastically if he’s depressed he’s only the shadow of himself… chances are you will leave, this will give him a kick and he will hopefully change his life around. ultimately you never know if or when a person is gonna change

DaisyM23 · Accepted Answer

you're 18-24 and it feels like you're putting in more than you're getting out, sometimes love just isn't enough to stay with someone, feeling like this will cause resentment to build over time, you don't want to marry and have kids and have this same unreliability - i'm saying this as a person with 0 experience by the way

Summeroflove · Answer

Maybe you could take a break. Not having sex isn’t bad. You’re not married and shouldn’t be expecting it. It’s also good he does not use you.

Do you do him favors like get him stuff for his birthday or Christmas? And he doesn’t return the favor? Seems one sided.

Have you told him what your wants and needs are? I guess you said you try.

This is really your choice. What you want to do. If you want to stay with him, take a break, or break up. Because if you don’t think it’s meant to be. Then you both need to find the right person.

Both for yourself and for his sake as well.

If you really love him though. You could stick by him.

DaveJord · Answer

If you got to ask, it's because you know the answer already.

You sound like the man in that relationship. I have dated women like him, never saying a negative thing, seemingly going along with everything you say without complaint, never offering an opinion on things... like your picking every hotel, restaurant, car to buy, you name it they act whatever you want is fine with them. Then when you pressed for an opinion they act like they don't really have one, that it doesn't matter to them... they don't care honesty.

Over time it blows up at some point, they start to resent you for all choices they never made. Like it was you that kept pushing them, when all you wanted to do was progress in life in general, when they seeming care, and didn't really contribute much and now want you to be their scape goal.

Just saying I lived with someone like this... maybe this ain't nothing like your situation.

Guy13 · Answer

It sounds like a secondary friendship..”we have no deep conversation”. My friends and I have deep 💩 and deep philosophical conversations. Your call but doesn’t sound like an emotional connection. And for a woman that is usually a recipe for cheating…

Anonymous · Answer

It can happen. Your boyfriend can become great. Every relationship gets boring with lot of routine stuff within time. But that doesn't mean that you need to end it. Just because he is lacking passion doesn't mean he's a great boyfriend. Some boys save passion, etc for after their marriage. Maybe he's that kind of person. Give him time to grow into a person he wants to be giving him his own time to understand and improve the relationship. You can't just ask him for passion. You need to look interesting to him so that passion flows automatically to him. He can then feel naturally more passionate towards you. If you always keep nagging, bragging, gossiping, he will feel like withdrawing because it will look like a stressful work for him to do it as a forced way instead of a natural flow. Everyone likes to have a natural flow when it comes to their passion. Create a passionate environment for him first. Engage yourself in his interests. Show him your charming and beautiful side instead of routine side. Let him get excited. Give surprises to him. Plan surprises. Enjoy a candlelight dinner with him. Show him how interesting person you are. Maybe he's more a family type so he's looking forward to raise children instead of focusing on career. Although career is important it can't and shouldn't come in between the people who are truly loving each other. If you're that much concerned about his financial settlement, then motivate in developing his academic or professional interests and let him enhance his skills and try to make him understand how beautiful a professional and financially improved lifestyle can be. When you are already financially independent but he isn't doesn't mean that you should treat him less or value him less. Just encourage him to do his best in a more passionate and polite manner instead of looking like you're criticizing him. People don't take critisism well. Explain him in a polite and nurturing way. You can bear some of his finances as well. That is what true lovers do. They don't feel ego to put their love with finances that their love might need. It's not that a guy is the only person who need to struggle, put finances for the whole family including you. You can put him as well. But if you're concerned about his financial settlement too, then encourage him politely to take step towards his financial settlement instead of being too harsh. Then your relationship can improve with him in a way that you expect it to be or even more beautiful. I hope this helps

tenor55 · Answer

First of all, I do not feel like you are being selfish. I also don’t think sex has to dry up in a long term relationship. Ours has not after 50 years! Sure, it’s not like it was when she was 15 and I was 16…after all, I am 67.

I strongly suggest that you get couples therapy. This is so good for many reasons. He or she can cut through the crap and also help you to see if you are being unrealistic (I don’t think you are). You say you love him, so give this a try. Ultimately, the only person we can change is the one we see in the mirror. But I am confident that without counseling we would not have made it to 50 years!

DubiousIntentions · Answer

You can't have a lasting relationship with someone who is not into it, as he sounds like he isn't. Love is not the only thing you need to keep together, no matter what Tennile said in her song, "Love will keep us together". Sadly, you will not find the person you need until you part ways. Have you tried any type of counseling? If nothing has happened in a year and a half, odds are they never will. However, you seem to be going with your heart instead of your head. Not to say that is bad, but sometimes that doesn't work. What does your intuition tell you?

lightbulb27 · Answer

I've seen guys change who are like that, once he got a girlfriend he started working, took responsbility. However, he has to want to. Why would he change if he is satisfied or worse, he's down in the dumps and lost.

I've also seen guys stay like that all their lives. If he lacks motivation, what is going to motivate him. answer is you... constantly managing him because it isn't inside his broken heart. He's functioning out of some low energy from his broken childhood. Til that is fixed by resolving the hurts and setting some goals, you are fighting an up hill battle.

best thing for him may be you leaving... in that it pushes him. You could try laying down the law, and maybe he changes. But reality, this is whom he is right now, you have to expect it's who he is.

Caveat, there's other guys out there that are good, but some are not and 10yrs down the line, you might just like him more.

I would not like being with someone like that... for what it's worth.

es20490446e · Answer

This is what I have learned, the hard way: what people are doing, not saying, in the present is what you can expect in the future.

If I have a problem with someone, I will tell them once, but if they continue I will assume that to be their standard.

Why? Because otherwise it's a gamble. It can very well change, or not.

Also I look into if their problems are temporal, due to a punctual short lived situations, or that's how they usually behave.

Finally some people have kind of toxic quirks, but it's very different a quirk than a standard. It's not the same that someone is more inclined to be depressed in certain situations, that being depressed almost always.

Personally what I look into in a partner the most is if it's easy to talk to them about issues, in an adult relaxed manner. Second if they expect their lives to be kind of something better, done with grace, and keep improving.

Straight2thepoint · Answer

Well my friend... You started telling us why you do not want to continue this relationship. You should go with that. And explain that is very important for you.

Finish with, "I'm sorry I don't want you to change your ways because of me"
Even if you don't mean it, say. "You're perfect in many ways, it is I that needs more. I don't want to hurt you by cheating on you,
and if i stay. We will have arguments that will ruin us."

Karma is a bitch. Don't leave a heart broken because one day life will shatter yours.

sixsixsix · Answer

So what you need to do is just be honest with him and tell him how you feel and if he seems interested in the relationship then he will change or at least try to.
When I started to realize I was losing my wife of 14 years I would have done anything to keep her, I remember she said your on your Playstation to much and I went and pawned it, then I was on my phone to much and it went right out the window as we were going down the road... so she didn't stay but ended up coming back and 8 years later we are about to start marriage counseling because we can not figure out how to get along.

Man-O-Metal · Answer

You have to break it off. He won't become the partner you are looking for. It just doesn't happen if you guys have already been together this long and only made this much progress. He needs to go through this break up in order to realize that he needs to get on with his life. If you stay together, that just gives him more assurance that the way he's going about life is good enough. But we all know it's not. It'll be difficult, but this is the push he needs. Good luck to ya.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

As a general rule; never hold your breath waiting for someone who doesn’t naturally have their shit together to get their shit together. You’re a special lady, but you’ve already proven that you aren’t the lady that will inspire him to change because you’re already with him.

Anonymous · Answer

“He doesn't have deep conversations with me, he doesn't have sex with me, he has never gotten me birthday or Christmas gifts with out me asking. I feel like I constantly lead and he follows. We don't fight, but when I bring up issues (and I'm the only one who brings up issues) he shuts down and doesn't talk with me. he has no ambition to pursue a career.“ — LEAVE HIM NOW. People don’t change. I care about your best interests.

Anonymous · Answer

Seems like he is complacent. Usually happens when boyfriend and girlfriend move in together. You should agree to moving in with him after he proposes or something. Otherwise you find yourself in the position you’re in now: being the man of the house AND relationship. You should start your apartment hunt not now but YESTERDAY.

Faith18letsgo · Answer

Sounds like a sweet guy but I don’t think he’d be a good father either. A kind one, but not a successful one. I think y’all should break up. But I get it if you decide to stay. Or go to couples counseling.

fantasticass · Answer

His insecurities are NOT your problem. I suggest you leave him and find someone who will appreciate ýou. He is using you, not loving you. Good luck 🤞

Anonymous · Answer

The perfect couple. Except they've switched roles and neither are happy. It seems to me this is the reality for new age couples versus a billion years of evolution. Maybe he just needs a baby...

PinkRose24 · Answer

It sounds like he really isn't into you. It almost sounds like he's using you so you could maintain him financially.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

Omg. 🤦 Let me break it down for you, sister: 1. He doesn't have a job. 2. You're still letting him live with you. Honey, he's a Mooch. He gots to GO!

BarryLiverstone · Answer

He’s a good friend, not a boyfriend. Have you discussed goals and put deadlines in to meet those goals with him?

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