How do you avoid men thinking they can just wait to be asked to do things for you once you're married together, and being slow to take action on them?

Question

And on top of all that, they expect you to clap and praise them for stuff they should be doing without being asked, let alone without praise. How to make husband's more modest in this regard?

DaveJord · Accepted Answer

LMAO... HAHAHA... not seriously if only when had the answer to this question, everything would be so easy right.

So, I was married to this woman for like 24 years and this was a never ending problem, and total pain in my ass. But I do not know the dynamics of your relationship, and so few people, maybe even myself, can be objective about themselves...

So here was my situation, and maybe yours is nothing like this, but I was the man in your example. My ex-wife was a bit of a control freak, and for the most part I overcompensated for it on so many levels. But of course, she did not see herself as a control freak, she just saw herself as right all the time. So, when came to cleaning, laundry or anything house related... she would act like she was doing it all for everyone else.. when nobody ever asked to do all those things. But she always lived in nice new homes, she always drove nice new cars, she only worked half the time in 24 years, she always had nice new clothes, nice jewelry, nice shoes, like over a dozen sets of prescription glasses of all types of styles and colors. We traveled all the time, she lived in Europe for 12 years... but the women as a nagging, ass nag.

I am by no means a slob, but I am not an anal-retentive person suffering from ODC over cleaning and housework. This woman had so much anxiety over housework and was extremely picky over everything about it. If I cleaned, she would not say thank you, and then would reclean what I just cleaned. If I ate something and set the plate on the coffee table... after about 10 minutes she would storm across the room and pick up the plate and put in the dish washer and then bitch about how easy it is and it's the simplest thing, and that I am so lazy because it would take like 2 minutes to just get up and do it myself. The women had no appreciation for all the things I did do and provided. But them she would pull all the plates of the dishwash get after the kids and me for not properly cleaning the plates before putting them in the dish washer.

So yeah, I literally quit trying with her and the housework. One day I vacuumed and mopped then I woke up at 2 am and she was re-mopping the floor, because she could not sleep knowing I missed spots. So yeah, I started making a bigger deal about the contributions I did make, and that only made her resent me more because she didn't view all my success in life as something she could not have done on her own for herself. Like me paying for her bachelor's and master's degree even though she didn't use them or work half the time. I would remind here often, you know if you didn't cook, I would not starve, if you didn't clean, I would not live in pig sty, if you did not do my laundry, I would still wear clean cloths.

It got to the point that every house we bought (4) had to have Jack and Jill closets, we never shared the same bathroom, and she had her own toilet that none of the kids or myself ever used. I started doing my own laundry and she would bitch about the money I was wasting by only doing half loads, I hire a guy to mow the grass and do the landscaping and he would harass me about being lazy... I told it does not make me lazy it makes me successful. I hired 6 different maids for her, she fired all of them because there were not work the money and their work was not good enough.

In divorce she came after me for everything, and in the end, she got 50%, no alimony and now she lives with her dad.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

I don't understand your question fully, as worded. It's fair to want men to initiate and do without asking. It's not realistic that he will read your mind. Short answer is good communication.

This is all training and personality. If you pick the right guy, it will be much easier. The training was in early life by mom and dad.

Some guys will be so hard to train, you might as well leave them to a therapist. So step 1, is observe him, see how flexible he is during dating.

step 2, is to continually work on communication so that part of the relationship doesn't fade out, and work together to keep it fun, balanced. I feel like we are doing this effectively in my relationship.

Here's some contrast: I like to work, I enjoy cleaning and yard work... to a point... to my level of cleaning. I don't want someone continually emotionally abusing me if my standards aren't good enough. I had that in the past, that was misery. Some appreciation goes a long way as my wife does, she as well shares in housework when she has time. The rest we hire out. I do what I enjoy.

My friend doesn't like to do work, never did. his mom did everything for him.. and thus his expectation! Very nice guy, just not self motivated. His wife was a perfectionist and highly detailed with anxiety to boot, and she pulled his and her hair out for 20 years. Opposites attract, so be conscious of that.

Praise: Men like to be respected... and valued for what they do. A little goes a long way, subtract out nagging and bitching into communication and support, and you have a good chance.

LazerBean · Accepted Answer

You can start by looking at how well he takes care of his home throughout the dating stage. If he already does everything well that he needs to without having to wait until it's urgent, or without having to be told by whoever he's living with, take that as a good sign. You can also look at how his father is, and how much his mother has to push his father to get stuff done. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Take into account if he has a reputation for getting things done, of being lazy or a procrastinator, or if he has no reputation at all. As someone else commented, people are usually either proactive or reactive. Proactive needs to be the standard. Get him to verbalize exactly how he expects house chores to be split as well. Pay attention to any red flags. If he brushes off your suggestions and opinions before marriage, he will certainly continue to do so after. Don't progress into a serious relationship and certainly don't marry him until you are sure he meets all those requirements with flying colors. And of course make sure you are not holding a man to a higher standard than you hold for yourself.

I will also add that there is nothing wrong with praising your spouse for doing what they are supposed to. I do that for him, and as someone who is mostly a housewife I certainly appreciate it when he does that for me. Letting your spouse know that you see what they do and are not taking them for granted can only have positive effects on a relationship.

jennifer_bloom · Accepted Answer

Find a guy that works because he enjoys working and not because he has no other option. Guys like this can be identified by their volunteer work, their sacrificial and unnecessary social altruism, their commitment to religious societies, their athletic behaviour, and their friendliness towards weak people and animals.

AviatorTom · Answer

My SO doesn't like me to do things unless she asks me, so I generally don't do things until she does. To answer your question, the woman can (and should) be very specific in what she expects from her man. We guys are generally willing to do things... just let us know... we're poor at understanding hints and reading minds.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Do a better job of picking them as your partner!

NathanDavis · Answer

instead...

just do not marry a man without initiative, and do not marry a man that is not proactive

if you marry a man that lacks this kind of character, then realize that you picked him the way he was, a marriage is more of a promise to accept and stay with the people as they are, and not exactly a contract in which the other person has to change to be what you want them to be

avoid making the wrong choices, be way more selective and give yourself and them, the chance and the time to know each other way better, before you even marry in the first place

JDAC092299 · Answer

Tbh good old fashioned communication is the best. My ex fiancée told me I got like that once and explained to me how it was impacting her, how it annoyed/upset her. Hearing that at first ngl felt like she was overreacting because I did that stuff anyway but occasionally I wouldn’t/I’d let it slip a bit but when I realised to the depth it was effecting her when she brought it up a second time I felt bad so I cleaned up my act and she really appreciated it. I may have plenty of bad things to say about her but I still believe the communication we shared was the right way to go about things, in fact I believe it was a lack of that communication which ultimately set the dominoes in motion to cause bigger problems tbh.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Do it yourself. Then you don’t have to wait and he can’t take credit for something he didn’t do. “Problem” solved! Ell oh ell!

Consider for a moment how important it is to you that your fella notice and praise your new hairdo, cut & color and whatnot. More often than not, you didn’t even do it yourself. You PAID someone to do it for you. Most likely because you couldn’t do it yourself. But it’s somehow problematic for you when a guy wants praise for something he actually did? He almost certainly did it for YOU and also very likely because you couldn’t do that either. But you shouldn’t have to acknowledge it, let alone praise him?
Ell oh ell! Geezus…. the hypocrisy.

Anonymous · Answer

You don't know how to treat someone like an equal? Or are you expecting him to CARRY you? Because it isn't that hard. You demand equal effort from day 1 or you don't get involved. Where most women make thier mistake is they "catch feelings" and think that he'll just CHANGE. That everything will just fall into place. This is life not a rom-com. And even the BEST relationships still take work, ON BOTH SIDES. And if you're not with that. It's best you save both of you the trouble and don't get involved.

melanieeeB · Answer

Uhm I'm not sure if I can really answer this, but I learned with the last two men I went on a date with, too choose guys who already has his won household that he does take care off and like already has this routine for himself to do chores. Plus I guess not allowing them to become lazy in marriage later on but like I have no clue about marriage lol

TrueConfection · Answer

🤔 Bring a deck of cards with you on your date and ask him to tell you which card you're holding without letting him see it first. If he doesn't know the answer, don't marry him.

Anonymous · Answer

The same way you avoid women thinking they can just skip out on cutting grass, trimming hedges, home repair, vehicle maintenance, etc without being asked...

Don't get married. Handle it all yourself. You won't get stuck doing someone else's dirty work, only for them to bitch about you not doing enough.

aaron210419 · Answer

Easy, communication. Before you even get married these are the things that should be discussed between both of you and not just for your needs but for his also. What may seem like common sense things to you may not to other girls he's dated in the past. You have to talk about these things otherwise you start to resent him and he has no idea why even though it may seem completely obvious to you.

Anonymous · Answer

Most women don't like guys who are good with housework or cooking in the dating stages. Learning those can take time a much time spend at home, and they consider those guys as boring. They wanna date party guys and change them to a helpful husband which can be hard or impossible.

I am saying this from several personal experiences with women, they find men good with housework or cooking... womanly.

Guys who don't do any of that at all generally are most popular among women.

fonduegirl · Answer

I think partner appreciation should go both ways. If he doesn't praise you for setting the table, he shouldn't expect to be praised either.

Anonymous · Answer

Ah, the typical woman.

”How can I make him not only do things, but WANT to do them—without me asking.”

Even Pavlov conditioned his dogs.

Would you rather nag someone or praise them to influence their behavior?

”I’d rather not have to...”

Then live alone. People are gonna be people.

Anonymous · Answer

Just ask them when you want something, don't play these stupid games of wanting them to know what you want.

Andres77 · Answer

be clear about ur expectations from BEFORE the wedding

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Either ask him before you marry him or take notice of how often he does it before you get married. If he didn't do it BEFORE you got married, there's no reason to expect him to do it after you get married!

TheNameIsRob · Answer

If you give a man good sex and good food he will move mountains for you.

RealMarek · Answer

Either find a guy who already takes care of his own place, or discuss it and see if you and a man can come to an agreement about how to handle chores.

Phoenix98 · Answer

I can’t speak for other guys but I at least got a valid reason for why I’m slower to get to things when I get home.

Sixgunsound · Answer

Do you hold yourself to the same standard you hold him?

Jdjfjcjj · Answer

By finding a real man. The problem is that men who do this are commonly labeled boring.

exitseven · Answer

It might be your fault if you find fault in everything he does.

GoodGuyBreakingBad · Answer

I agree with you on this one.

FilmGuy93 · Answer

Select for men who show initiative to do little things from the beginning.

AndrésC64 · Answer

I tried doing things for a short time when I was married. But she didn't like the way I did it and went back and redid it. So I just stopped doing it.

TroyDT2 · Answer

Couples should really talk about these issues and other expectations before marriage.

XLBBC4White · Answer

You could start with a very helpful, very well endowed Black friend? I do not expect any clapping, your slight limp and glow is enough for me :P

Anonymous · Answer

Don't get attached to lazy, unmotivated men.

pizzalovershouse · Answer

Never get with a guy who doesn't pull half his chores

KrakenAttackin · Answer

How to get married women to give head again and have sex when he wants...

Sixgun77 · Answer

Try actually communicating with the man you married.

krin_m · Answer

Not sure TBH! :-) Clap more? (j/k) Just talk openly about it!

Anonymous · Answer

Remember we are born to be oblivious. Until it gets to the point to just nagging.

boggboss · Answer

Can I give a example I'm kinda lost

Jennz6 · Answer

I don’t expect men to do anything

Anonymous · Answer

Just get yourself a load of cats I suppose.

Jamie05rhs · Answer

You're going to be a real Treat to live with.

Debbie14217 · Answer

reverse psychology lol

Anonymous · Answer

Try a cattle prod, it might work

Anonymous · Answer

So like the way women treat sex

Anonymous · Answer

Is he staying home or is he working?

How do you avoid men thinking they can just wait to be asked to do things for you once you're married together, and being slow to take action on them?

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Are there guys willing to wait until marriage?

How do you avoid men thinking they can just wait to be asked to do things for you once you're married together, and being slow to take action on them?

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Are there guys willing to wait until marriage?

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