Intrusive thoughts about boyfriend cheating on me.. how do I make it stop?

[Anonymous]

I have been cheated on so many times in the past. I have had some anxiety lately about my boyfriend being on his phone a lot. I have never had a reason to think he was cheating. And i would never go through his phone. And he's never showed me it either. We have a fantastic relationship. We bought a house and we're trying to have a baby. But I can't get the thoughts out of my head about what is he doing on his phone? Who is he talking to? Is he cheating? I'm already on medication for anxiety and I have worked with counselors in the past. It's controlling my head Space. I don't want to ask him because he's never gave Me a reason to ever doubt his loyalty.

[CubsterShura]

I can understand the frustration, I've been cheated on as well.

What worked well for me is to build my own self-esteem rather than depending on anyone else for it. It's not like I have no insecurities, but telling myself that I don't deserve to be cheated on no matter what lows I am going through in life or how shitty I feel about myself has really helped. No matter what if he cheats I'm walking out and he is not getting a second chance. If I am being a good loyal partner and he was cheating on me behind my back all along, it's on him and not me. I can't be intrusive and violate his privacy because of my own negative thoughts. I dumped someone as soon as I found out he cheated and never looked back, and I can do it again, I WILL do it again when it happens again.

I know it is easier said than done, especially when it's a man you really love. And in that case, knowing that I am allowed to leave someone I love because self-love comes before anything else helps a lot. Imagine you have a dear friend who is violent when drunk. You may want to be able to take this friend home by yourself, but because you know it won't be safe for you maybe you ask others to help or even call the police, it won't because you don't love your friend but it's because you prioritized looking after yourself. Think of romantic relationships like that too.

[Useridiot355]

So how are you going to find out of he's cheating on you then?

[CubsterShura]

@Useridiot355 In many cases, you don't. Well, a lot of ways to find out involve behavior that is too far if it is just the paranoia in you and not the behavior of your partner. The way I found out about mine was that I thought his ambiguous language about a certain topic seemed very fishy and when I asked for clarification he didn't clarify when usually he does. I could tell he was hiding something from me and I interrogated him about it and then he confessed finally. The previous time, he was texting a friend of my friend and the friend notified me.

[Anonymous]

You’re pretty deep in with this guy to have bought a house, so I can’t really ask if you were ready for a relationship yet and really healed from past trauma. All I can really say is that if you’re committing to a future with him and decided he was worth overcoming your issues, then don’t switch up on him now. Everything in the dark comes to light, so if he’s cheating or doing you wrong, you will find out without having to do any digging on your own. You said you worked with counselors/therapists in the past, maybe it’s time to revisit.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for replying. You are 1000% right. People always show their true colors. I think I have to trust my gut feeling. And try to fight through my intrusive thoughts and stick with the facts.

[Opinion Owner]

No problem, try not to overthink. Good luck with this.

[YourFavoriteFriend]

Don't worry, everything will be alright! To me, it seems that you understand that these thoughts are not right and you also try to treat your anxiety. So in my eyes, you are try very hard. What I suggest is that you don't try to "force" these thoughts out. Let me explain.

I think that you should understand your feelings and how you feel like that and then accept them. Then, you can start slowly to work on fixing them and make them stop. So slowly but surely, these thoughts will get away. Also, talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you need him. He can give you some specially treatment till you get alright. And I don't think that he has a reason to get angry or annoyed if you make him understand what you go through. For example, he may agree to spend less time in his phone and more time with you. And of course, make sure to communicate and tell him your needs.

[lightbulb27]

you need to do something to address the prior trauma you experienced, which is oriented around trust.

That trauma can root back to childhood... see the Erickson Clark chart...0-2 years old. Patterns repeat until they are resolved.

you both also need to develop strategies to provide security for your prior wound. It is reality, he needs to be aware of it, regardless of his honorability. So yes, lots of communication and phones open.

This crap changes as baby and stress shows up. So deal with this now in constructive way. possibly it's coming to roost because of the state of your relationship and your fear of abandonment.

you're a normal human, you are functioning normally.

[Hulk_kitty]

The mobile phone seems to be the trigger to your anxiety, that he is cheating on you. Why would him been on the phone a lot, mean he is cheating?

There so many ways he could cheat on you, without been on his mobile a lot. I spend a lot of time on my mobile texting friends, looking up stuff on the net, watching tik tok, even tho I could use my computer for that stuff lol.

You obviously got this idea in your head, been on the mobile equals cheating. You have a negative thinking pattern about your boyfriend been on his phone.

[Asker]

I think it's just old feelings coming up to when I have been cheated on in the past. Been cheated on more times than I can count on 2 hands. Your right though I think the phone is a trigger. Even though I trust him fully. My anxiety and intrusive thoughts tell me otherwise. Never thought it could be the phone to trigger it

[Hulk_kitty]

If you do want to ask your boyfriend if you can see his phone, the way you go about it is important.

You need to make sure that he doesn’t feel like you’re accusing him of something or that you don’t trust him.

The best way to do this is to explain why you want to see his phone and be open about your reasons.

For example, if you’re worried that he’s been texting another girl, tell him why you’re concerned and ask him to show you his phone so that you can put your mind at ease.

The most important thing is to be respectful of his privacy and not force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

If he does let you take a peek to confirm he’s not texting over girls, don’t go snooping deep into his phone just take a browse over his recent messages.

Then I think he deserves an apology and thanks, so tell him, “Thanks for putting my mind at ease, I appreciate I sound a bit crazy right now, I’m not going to question you again!”

[Hulk_kitty]

If you don’t trust your partner, it can make things very difficult and lead to all sorts of problems.

So if you’re thinking about asking your boyfriend to let you see his phone, ask yourself why first.

Are you feeling insecure or jealous? Is there something specific you’re worried about?

If so, it might be a good idea to talk to your partner about what’s going on and see if you can work through whatever is making you feel this way.

But if you’re just curious or snooping around, that’s a different story.

[Asker]

I'm going to hold off from asking. I just need to trust him. I think I should go back to counseling. I appreciate you taking the time to write all that. Truly.
This app helps me with my anxiety

[Hulk_kitty]

You also need to get your anxiety sorted, that's causing the intrusive thoughts, I have bad anxiety, I really bad intrusive thoughts on stupid stuff. Yes go back to a therapist, and find a good one.

[sheikalana]

OMG as an anxious person myself I felt uncomfortable reading this post. I wish it was easier to control our thoughts but listen open communication is really the key in this situation. You need to sit down with your partner and tell him what's going on, tell him about your insecurities even though he hasn't given you any reasons not to trust him. Don't keep this things to yourself. I'm sure he's going to reassure you in this situation. I used to have nightmares that my ex was cheating and I always told him. Whenever you have these thoughts immediately start thinking of something else or do something else. Remind yourself why you are with this person. We often attracted what we think and I'm sure you don't want that to happen to you.

[Aerissa_Jade]

I can totally relate, been cheated on more times than not... and makes me wonder if those that I didn't know about did cheat on me.

What I did to address this was had a open conversation about it with him. If he loved me he should understand my past, what happened before and why I am feeling this way.

Which worked out great, he wanted to help me get past it and prove he was loyal so he handed me his phone and said go through it and I did and I felt a lot better.

I let him go through mine too and he saw everything, even stuff I didn't want him too but after that, I trusted him as we could at any point look at each others phones as we shared passwords.

In future relationships I have insisted on this, if he refuses, I just end the relationship.

I have issues with trust, but I didn't create those issues, the cheaters did. Totally up to him if he wants to deal with me or not.

[rosek]

I think talking to him about these intrusive thoughts would be helpful. Both my boyfriend and I have struggled with this in our relationship, and we found that when we vocalize it lessens the power these thoughts have. By holding it in, deeming them as "bad" or "wrong," and/or trying to push them away you are giving the thoughts power. Accepting them and talking about them allows them to pass through you and gives you the power to move on. Good luck :)

[Anonymous]

My girlfriend suffers with anxiety and she has told me just before her period it puts thoughts I'm her head that I'm cheating on her.
This is in part down to previous relationships. She just has to fight through these thoughts and she knows she can trust me.

[Twalli]

I hate to say this because he might be the guy you need, but you might not be ready to date until you can trust someone again. I get that you don't doubt him, but you doubt everything he does. That's a problem and I don't know if anything but time can fix it. It's sad that the problem has nothing to do with you and only the assholes you dated in the past.

[IBSiam]

I waste most times on mobile phone. If you are suspecting that your boyfriend is cheating because he is using mobile too much then it's your problem and it is also a problem for the people who thinks like this. You need to have a valid reason.

Sorry for your bad past. i hope these never happen again. People deserve a true love in their life.

[AdithyaR]

Communication can help. Tell him how you're feeling and reassure that it's not an accusation towards him. I'm sure he'll understand and support you.
Considering you're already on anxiety medication. Continue with that and keep up with therapy.

[FlutteringFeelings]

Is it intrusive thoughts or is it your intuition.. something to ask yourself. If someone doesn’t feel right then it’s not right

[dustybiker]

You could consider telling him you keep getting these “learned” thoughts. Maybe he can help you through it.

[Lis-the-librarian]

Get theraphy, dont bother him about it.

Why did you pick the guys who ended up cheating on you? How long did you vet them for and how?
Did you learn from your mistakes and corrected with your current one?

[DermalPunch]

The fact that you don't feel comfortable asking him suggests that your relationship isn't as great as you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Well considering your selection of partners in the past suggest that if you have suspicions, they're probably true. Don't know what to tell you hun. Since you haven't learned by 30+. You're probably not going to. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Damn honestly I don’t think your relationship will last. You’ve given him everything he needs, sex, a child, a house. No need to get married.

[bayoubob]

You make it stop by stop seeing the douche bag?

[Anonymous]

Make vigorous, vivacious love to him... trust me, he’ll notice ;)

[User3191989]

can't base your current actions, based on the past

[Anonymous]

because he is cheating. right now you're in denial and refuse to learn from past experiences. you're a glutton for punishment

[Asker]

He's never cheated on me before

[Opinion Owner]

did you learn from your past? if not keep living in your fairy tale delusional bubble. your gut instincts aka your "paranoia" "intrusive thoughts" is letting you know what your conscious is denying. it's your subconscious telling you these things

[Danny_dan92]

Break up.




You’re welcome

[Asker]

Why would you say that?

[es20490446e]

Not everybody is the same.