What if your date talks about polygamy?

[Anonymous]

Imagine: You have a date & you've been SUPER INTO HER/HIM

Everything goes great... Then suddenly s/he starts talk positive about polygamy, swingers...

What would you do?

[Cynicaldreamer]

Time to politely tell him I'm not into that sort of... relationship, if you want to call it that, and part ways.

Needless to say, I won't talk to said guy again. I can respect people's lifestyles, but that doesn't mean I agree with it.

[loveslongnails]

Polygamy is not "swinging". Do you mean they started talking about 3 somes, or multiple partners? If you're not at all interested, you tell them that. You tell them if that's where they're headed, or that's the ultimate goal, then stop right now, we're done. If you ARE interested, you keep going.

It doesn't matter HOW well it's gone till now if that's where they're going and you don't want to go there.

[Asker]

I run for the hills. A big NO. I asked your opinion

[loveslongnails]

I'm already IN an open relationship, so if were to meet a woman who started talking about that, I'd think "great - are you into women? I want you to meet my S. O." !!!

[Asker]

Everyone's different. That's why I asked. Everyone has different values and morals

[Asker]

What if a woman would romantically interested in you (as monogamous ) your then she'd learn you're in an open relationship? What would you think or feel?

Also, what if she'd leave walk away from you after find out your preference? ... I really wonder how would you think or feel? No judgment

[Asker]

What would you feel?

[loveslongnails]

You're presenting me with a scenario that would not happen. If a women were interested in me, she'd know I was already in an open relationship from our first conversation. It wouldn't be hid from her, so there's not going to be a surprise.

[Asker]

I was that woman. And he didn't tell me. I was romantically very interested in him, he kept me around to fuck and use me... He was meeting me once or max twice a month. Later I found he had an open relationship. He was probably "allowed" fuck once a month "by main chick"... I got shocked, I got played. Extremely hurt. I literally tried to recover from this for 1 year

[loveslongnails]

Obviously, it's a horrible thing that you were used that way. It shouldn't happen to anyone. However, I'm going to play devil's advocate here and ask:
* What signs did you miss because you were "falling in love or so sexually contented"? There HAD to be many.
* Once a month meeting - twice MAX? Did you not question his availability? Why was this acceptable if, as you say, you were VERY romantically interested in him?

Ok, whatever they were, it's done and you say you "tried" to recover for a year? That's a very long time. Where are you now in that recovery and what have you done to do so?

[Asker]

He's ER doctor. That's why he can easily cancel on anyone or make excuse long shifts. I tried to be patient with "his work" He was probably with her when he was telling me he's at hospital.

We were fucking yes. But "I" thought I was falling in love.

His legal martial status single. Also whenever I went his apartment, there were no woman sign there. He has no social media. I would never think he has a relationship, not even OPEN relationship.

"It's done" Easier said than done. This hurts more than regular cheat... Horrible feeling. I felt like I got cheated on yes, but there is another insulting, derogatory level on this.

[loveslongnails]

Ok, so you got played by a pro, and you feel humiliated. I get that. But it's been a year, and you have to realize that every day you feel like this is a win for him. But guess what? He's not sitting there putting another scratch mark in the "W" column and gloating! No, he's not even THINKING about you! He's on to the next one.

So what I'm saying is - yes, I know it's a bitch to be used like that, and I know you feel like a fool. But HE feels nothing, and YOU are the ONLY ONE with the power to take back your life and not give him power over it any more - power he doesn't even know he has or cares that he has.

Ask yourself " what other options do I have? Do I live like this indefinitely, waiting for some magic wand to come along and free me, not knowing if or when that will be? Or do I accept that I made a mistake in judgment AND got played, learn from it, and start living again?

[Asker]

Thanks for your support. I know but mental state cannot be changed in a couple days. I almost traumatized. When my self esteem already destroyed, heartbroken... I haven't date anyone for a year. Simply because I cannot. I tried. I get triggered, upset and angry lose interest so easily. For example, early stage of dating, no exclusivity... I know there are other women...(Which is normal) Even that's triggers me since I became EXTREMELY insecure. I know there are other women, I'm not enough... I'm not chosen... This feeling.. I really cannot go there again. Reopen the old wound... And twist the wound. Start feeling more worthless...

[loveslongnails]

"I know but mental state cannot be changed in a couple days. I almost traumatized."
It's been a year, not a couple of days. A YEAR of your life. You need to seek some expert professional help.

Your mental state GETS changed one day at a time, and you have to start somewhere IF you really want to heal. I repeat my question - what OTHER options do you have? Is a year not long enough to feel this way? You have to decide that you want a life back where you can date again, or decide that you will be content as you are. You have a choice.

[Lionman95]

See that as a redflag because a person telling me they want to swing is also saying they still want to behave like a single person. For me it doesn´t sound great to me.

[Asker]

It sounds disgusting to me lol I'd run

[Lionman95]

Agreed

[midnightmoon05]

I have gone on dates that doesn't meet my needs (he has different goals). I say, I had a good time. Thank you. Good luck with your search.

Drugs, polygamy, smoke, lack ambition... etc... deal breakers regardless how much fun we had.

[Asker]

Lol I didn't even say "I had a good time" I ghosted him completely. It felt good 😂

[Berethor]

Polygamy don't benefit most women, so why she talk about it? is she lesbian or asexual?

[Asker]

She basically doesn't wanna settle for one man haha

[Berethor]

It would make her a ho, and polygamy usually means polygyny, and not polyandry.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polygyny

[Asker]

Yes exactly. But what would you do at that moment?

[Berethor]

There is almost zero chance of that happening, it would mean that she not wife material.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I'd end the date, or more specifically, I'd know her position on this beforehand and not even start the date.

[Asker]

How you'd know beforehand?

[TheSpaceGnome]

I only date female best friends, I won't date a stranger.

[Asker]

Everyone does online dating...

[TheSpaceGnome]

Could have fooled me, I ran out of results on dating sites quite some time ago. It seems most women either do not use them, or they are all using incognito mode.

Dating sites conceptually are a superior choice for finding someone to befriend, then later date, but the sites are rigged for failure, and the population of women is very low or very hidden, I've already hit pass on all of them that fit even the most lenient of criteria.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I should note that when I make a new friend, even wothout dating sites, its done online, so its still "technically" online dating, just not in the immediate or hyperliteral sense.

[TheSpaceGnome]

without*

[LazerBean]

Dump them immediately. Sleepers are an insta nope.

[LavLavLuv]

Byee