Girlfriend treats me horrible and will not let me break up with her?

Question

my girlfriend treats me horrible, but we have an extremely intense relationship at the same time. she treats me either really great or simply awful, depending on her mood. She is Russian and we met over a year ago... we are very similar in so many departments; very close emotionally, physically, intellectually and the truth is that i have never experienced anything in my life like i experience with this girl. however, when her mood swings she has major control issues. everything is my fault, i cannot do anything right, i am required to read her mind, it is my obligation to beg, she refuses to listen to me presenting myself in a clear and direct way... if i break up with her then after a short time she freaks out, begs for me back, in the most sweet and irresistible way... i have tried to hold my ground, but in the end i always give in - it does not help that she is extremely attractive and sexy... we both have such an intense attraction to each other, the sex is not comparable to anything previous - it's just like some kind of mind blowing melting that neither of us have ever experienced before. her personality is very cute and bubbly, until its not, and then she is just an outright emotional crazy person who refuses to listen to me or be corrected in anything. i have many options of other women to date, but i suppose i am completely in love with this girl as i have never been before. her mentality is that it is the obligation of the guy to win the girl over even when she says no. she teases me and tries to make me jealous - which is easy because it seems that every man she knows is in love with her. i am American, this is crazy to me. i am a confident forward person that thinks people should listen and speak openly about things - yet i get nowhere with this with her... also... we dated for about 6 months before i discovered she was married!! i left her when i found out, then she divorced her husband for me, and begged until i came back to her...

quaranta · Accepted Answer

I think you want a partner that is an adult and not a teenager with emotional issues, right? Well she treats you like a mother at the moment (and you play this role): firstly she goes unhinged, refuses any honesty, lies to you and causes the problem, then expects it's your responsibility to fix it, using her cultural excuse that it's the man who "should do X". How is that in any shape an adult maturity? At least taking her own responsibility and dropping that pathetic pride she has? Going past teenage? Unless you're dating an actual teenager and for safety reasons you're not saying that here...
She is abusive as hell, and let me tell you, abusive people "work" because they keep coming back and forth, playing the victim role when they lose the power, and throwing crumbles of hope here and there, to keep you hanging there, otherwise of course anyone would disappear from them without those small candies. Now, those small traps give you the hope that she will change one day and be always at her best, to you. This is the core of this trap and the truth is she is not going to change about this, especially if she is not a teenager indeed and her social techniques and personality traits are settled. If you continue with her, the present situation is what you will get in the future, over and over. She can change in some small capacity if she first of all aknowledges for real her own responsibilities and puts willpower on that together with therapy, then maybe in 10 years of constant work on herself you can see some improvement that last during the time. But here even her own aknowledgement and willpower is missing, so that is currently impossible.
Further, I think there is a massive dealbreaker here that you should get very clearly: she is a cheater. You are spending all this energy on a cheater. She will cheat on you too when the circumstance will be right, as in, you will be all settled like her husband, some time passes, etc. It doesn't matter how strong your bond is, a cheater is a cheater regardless and bears problems regarding honesty and lies (as you also experienced already). The trust is undermined from the beginning, how do you cope with that in a relationship? In theory, you don't. She shown you she is a cheater and a massive liar other than a manipulative person, and this is a golden opportunity to leave now...
You have to reset your mindset about her and stop treating her like a child who is unaware of anything and unable to bear any responsibility, but require normal maturity at least, have some standards. And if she plays the ultimate victim role with any sick "irresistible" (... pathetic, not irresistible) movie scenes, well you should ignore her. Any abusive person does, don't be fooled by that. She will use the same passive aggression with anyone who believes her crocodile tears. So it's not like she doesn't "let" you break up, like others said, this is not how breakups work, you don't need their consent to do that.
I hope after this experience you'll raise your requirements for your next partners too, after learning from this woman. Women can be emotionally stable, mature, caring, capable, honest and loyal. It's up to you to select them.
Talk with some relatives about this as well, so that you stay hooked to the reality around and don't fully fall into this pit, because you're already half in (as you believe in her game).

SueShe · Accepted Answer

So basically, fornication is what is holding you together. It does not matter if you are stepped on, mistreated and humiliated. As long as you can copulate you will let anything happen, right?

Where is your dignity? What did you do to your self-respect? Your penis is doing the talking in your relationship and you simply adore that fact. If you had a tiny bit of backbone, then you would leave her immediately.

"She will not let me leave..." indicates that she has total control over you and that she can do whatever she wants with you. You will obey and not do anything about it.

Tell me that you are not 48 but 13 because an adult with your kind of life experience would never let this happen. I cannot believe that anyone would let himself be humiliated the way you are but seek for help simply because you refuse to act upon.

lightbulb27 · Accepted Answer

Quite a writeup. So you are an empathic and sensitive man, maybe a "caregiver". Lookup those terms and see if it's you. That energy draws the opposite, sometimes.

Is this only around "that time of the month"... because that is "normal" to some extent and your job then is to provide emotional support. Is it related to alcohol, of food sensitivity, or just whenever?

She sounds... to use some terms... bi-polar. Or borderline personality... like she can't regulate her emotions at times. If you feel like you are "walking on eggshells", then that these just might apply!

All of those are helpful to understand... not blame.

The question is, can you learn to manage this, because it's whom she is right now. Most people don't want to change and doing so is hard work, so they keep doing the same. As she gets older, it may get worse. There are treatments, solutions she can pursue, if she wants to.

You as a mate can help provide emotional support when she's going off, and if you do, does it help her be more stable?

In essence, you are in the role of a caregiver to someone that probably has childhood developmental issues, or hormonal swings and imbalances. If you see that eating you away, then think twice.

Note that women can experience the same with some men, there's lots of info on internet for these.

You can't control someone else... you can control yourself. You can understand her and learn to manage better.

Sometimes sex solves such issues, if she's welcoming the pursuit. She's just feeling bad, and needs a way to redirect and feel good. or shopping.

DarkLegacy · Accepted Answer

When i clicked this question i was expecting someone in their teens not a 48 year old man. She really knows how to work you doesn't she. I am no expert in relationships but this sounds like a toxic one to me. It doesn't help that she deceived you about being married and you stayed with her. If she can cheat him, then she can cheat on you.

i find it amusing that you say she won't let you split up with her, you just need to grit your teeth and drop her. It is not gonna get better between you two.

Anemone978 · Answer

Well she isn't gonna change... so do you want to keep playing this song and dance over and over... just because of sex? If she left her husband for you... don't feel guilty about that or let that have any deciding factor on your relationship, she left her husband on her own for her own selfish reasons... She was a slut and cheated and she sounds like a slut if she is teasing you trying to make you jealous of other guys wanting her... she obviously has low self esteem and other issues... I say either get in counseling with her or just dump her... seems like a annoying ass relationship to me...

slatyb · Answer

"will not let me break up with her" That's not how break-ups work. You don't need her permission. If you are living together, move out.

SnowedIn · Answer

Unless you're a prisoner and she's letting you on GaG it's not that she won't let you break up with her, it's that you're choosing to stay.  End it.  Move on.

FreyaRed · Answer

".. and will not let me break up with her?" are you a man or a mice?

FunkyMonkee · Answer

Just pack up your shit and walk out!! What's she gonna do, beat you up?

melanieeeB · Answer

She won't let you break up? What. You're a grown men, leave. She probably just loves you begging her and obsessing over her and not you. She sounds very toxic!

Anonymous · Answer

i think you should go visit a therapist with her and try to solve the problems. and when she has these mood swings, has she ever physically attacked you? if so, no matter how much you love her, you should probably leave her. there is always someone better out there-

Anonymous · Answer

Bro I been there but I was with a fiery Latina chick. What you have to do is assert dominance over her as the man. Get her to submit and relinquish control to you. I started off by introducing her to BDSM and tying her up a lot even if it was just to handcuff her hands behind her back, and eventually she got really into it and loved when I took control of her

Wade12345 · Answer

She has a psychotic disorder and probably needs... Abilify.

NostalgiaSenpi · Answer

will not let me break up with her? I call bullshit to this. You have the power to leave her. She has no say in this. Dump her ass. Do whatever it takes.

RealMarek · Answer

She sounds like my ex in some ways. Ever hear of BPD? It’s not good.

imfreeze95 · Answer

No one can keep you in a relationship. If you’re being abused then cut all ties immediately and if necessary go to the authorities.

Anonymous · Answer

Break up with her and never look back

Anonymous · Answer

Be a man and break up with her.

msc545 · Answer

There is no treatment for BPD.

Girlfriend treats me horrible and will not let me break up with her?

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