Whenever I am eager for a relationship, I've always disappointed. I don't even want to date someone anymore. My relationships always start with a good rhytm but always end sadly. I think I trust the guys I've been without knowing them well and I got hurt by them. Is this a general problem or is it something related to me? I mean I'm really tired of being hurt by guys. What do you suggest me to do?
Obviously, I don't know you, and know nothing about your past other than this paragraph you've posted here. But, this is a common thing that many women experience, and it's almost always for the same reason: most women ONLY date - hell, they only SEE - the top 10% of men. These are the really attractive guys - they're good-looking, confident, successful, and "exciting" (which is another way of saying that they are chaotic and often even dangerous). All the other girls want these guys too, so it seems completely natural to choose one of these guys, and to completely ignore all other men as if they are invisible. You probably don't even realize you're doing it, because it's become automatic.
What this means is that women typically pick men based exclusively on infatuation - how he makes her FEEL initially - and giving little if any thought to that man's morals, values, or life-goals. Most girls actively AVOID those topics, in fact, because she FEELS so attracted to the guy - and the idea of being in a relationship - that she doesn't WANT to know anything that might make her question the guy or give her any uncertainty about the relationship. The last thing she want to do is to break up/walk away from an attractive guy that makes her FEEL so good initially.
The problem is that these top 10% guys have 100 (or 1000, or 10,000) other girls who all feel the same way, and these guys have the ability to attract the *most* desirable girls as well, so in most cases, these guys don't take relationships or commitment seriously. Why should they? If they get with a girl, and she becomes a hassle, he can either cheat on her (he's got plenty of girls in his phone willing to be his side chick), or he will just dump her and replace her the minute that she becomes inconvenient to him.
Most of these top 10% guys are this way, and the few who aren't are usually already in relationships.
So, what's the solution? You need to start picking men based NOT on whether you have butterflies in your stomach when you're around him, or because he's so exciting and hot, but rather based on the man's morals, values, and life-goals. It's these three things that determine if you have a LONG-term potential, but you absolutely should NOT assume that all men are going to have these things that are compatible with you for the long term - and the top 10% of men (as most women would rank them) are among the LEAST likely to have long-term compatibility with you - and are the most likely to hurt you.
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear - many women love to hate on me for saying this, but it has nothing to do with me - I'm simply telling you how to win for the long-term. You've seen how playing the short game goes: you think you've won the first week you're with the guy, but a few weeks or months in, you realize you've lost badly. If you keep repeating the same behavior, and making the same choices, you'll just keep repeating the same outcome as well.
You might want to read this post as well:
Guys are hurt by girls as much as girls are hurt by guys. The issue tends to be people seeing what they want to see rather than the patterns that actually exist. If you want a healthy relationship, improve your observational skills, both of yourself and others. Learn what makes a healthy relationship for you... and make sure it is realistic (not expecting a provider of a lifestyle you feel entitled to). Also, never seek more than you bring to the relationship. Make sure you pay attention to deep qualities, not superficial ones (like body parts and color). Find out what they've learned about themselves from their past relationships, how they've handled stress, frustration and disappointment in the past, the reasons they want a partner, what they're looking for in a partner, what they believe they bring to a relationship, their views on honesty, responsibility, respect, consideration, teamwork, equality and any other term you find meaningful in a relationship. Past patterns don't necessarily predict future patterns, but you want to know what they've learned from their past patterns and what they've replaced them with. Discuss all concerns. Never assume the newness balances out the irritations, as the newness will disappear if the two of you don't know how to keep a relationship new and alive. Don't assume talking and communicating are the same. Have someone qualified teach you effective communication skills. Stop blaming others for your disappointment, start viewing your own role in the situation and learn what you can do to change your patterns. You have no control over others, but you do have control over yourself... so focus on what is within your control.
Me personally, I believe that the male species are predominantly evil at a fundamental level. That aside, I also believe good people just always end up with bad people. It’s never cheaters ending up with other cheaters or abusers with abusers. It’s always some trash person ruining the life of an innocent, and at this point I’m starting to think that’s just the way life is. The innocent attract broken people in an unconscious effort to help, love and heal them and the Evil ones seek to destroy others because misery loves company. It’s human nature unfortunately.
Don’t expect anything at any point of a relationship. You expect, you get disappointed. Heartbreaks are normal part of life. How we deal with it is up to us. No one knows how a relationship ends or if it’s going to work out long term. It takes two to tango. Maybe change how you meet these people? Irl or online? Either way, no one knows until you actually get to know them.
Opinion
43Opinion
So if you’re going to try anything online or long distance- you already sign up for “trust exercises” that almost always never go right…
and sexual stuff which can feel a bit of a let down at times unless you deliberately expect that, want that, and even encourage that.
I recommend trying dating irl/ local/ through hobby-like places/ community-oriented places/ and even browse some universities. Try looking for people around your age, there. People who are committed and self-disciplined, especially if they DECIDED for themselves, to go to college a bit later in life. Yk- people with goals and such.
Try looking for dates at sporting events? Usually passionate people there. Just try any nice place in person, than online. No tinder 🤦♀️ No mingles or whatever.
Those just welcome all kinds of disappointments.
Don’t give up. Also it’s somewhat helpful to just expect sexuality between a female and male, and then for the two to fulfill themselves emotionally by themselves yet again, applying themselves to the world/society/ and the adventures around them.
We can’t expect for a stranger- guy or girl to make us TRULY happy, beyond all measure.
Only we can do that. Other people can bring us smiles, here and there, at best.
So somewhat lower the- not the expectations but more so any demands or selections. Always ALWAYS expect respect. That’s a critical key to uphold in any and all relationships and situations hips.
Don’t give up so quick, sis.
BUT
do try to live a little more spending time loving on yourself and experiencing the best out of life.
Live it up! ✨
No matter who you are, when you open yourself up to any relationship, whether it's friendship, relationships, what have you, you're opening yourself up to the chance of being hurt.
Your alternatives are to always be guarded and never open yourself up, like only have acquaintances, you won't have friends, but you won't get hurt, keep your sexual relationships NSA, you won't have commitment or a partner, but they won't be able to hurt you either.
It's the main risk you take when you make that choice. Whether it's cheating, betrayal, being used, ghosted, what have you. None of those can hurt you if you never care in the first place.
It's the same for some guys with women. For whatever reason, being emotional in any way is a death sentence for guys. You can't show any emotion at all despite what you're told. So appearing eager or being interested, or not having the perfect intuitive sense to know that it was only appropriate to send 2 texts the next day, not 3, all means that you're destined to be rejected or have people grow bored of you.
The advice everyone gives is to love yourself. I have no clue what that means beyond just not needing anyone, which seems counter -productive. Love yourself and learn to not need anyone I guess.
I'm cynical, I don't believe love exists anymore. Society as a whole is very gaslighting in this way. It's all a smokescreen for sex, ultimately that's all that matters. People will say it's love and a relationship and all that, but it's just sex and insecurity and gaslighting.
When I gave up on it, everything became much easier. I have energy again. I'm working out and I feel much better. I'm building a motorhome to go on adventures.
I'm focusing on me. Love is dead and I'm not going back down that path. I will however get in shape, have plenty of sex, and make very good friends.
Are you selfish without thinking you are being selfish? Most relationships fail because most people do not know how to remove selfishness for each other , they automatically assume their decisions are ok to do , without including and thinking about how their partner might feel. Without respect for each other in a relationship it won’t last , Why it’s important to wear your partners shoes before wearing your own and same goes for them as well , if it’s ok for
You to do something then it needs to be ok for your partner to be able to do the same or it will turn into a double standard , Basically implying it’s ok for me to do this but not ok for you. In most cases people assume the worst case scenario and think oh my partner don’t trust me when really it has nothing to do with that , it comes down to respect for each other. So when you commit to someone always think how your partner will feel when you make a decision , when you learn to prioritize each other and remove selfishness for each other that’s where love grows
It's not uncommon to feel tired of being hurt in relationships, and it's important to take a step back and reflect on what may be contributing to this pattern. It's possible that you may be rushing into relationships without taking the time to get to know the person and build trust, which can lead to disappointment and heartache. It's also possible that you may have a pattern of choosing partners who are not compatible with you or who may not have your best interests at heart.
To break this pattern, it may be helpful to take some time for self-reflection and work on building a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem. This can involve taking a break from dating and focusing on self-care and personal growth, such as through therapy or self-help resources. It may also involve setting clear boundaries and taking the time to get to know someone before jumping into a relationship.
Additionally, it's important to remember that not all relationships will work out, and that's okay. It's natural to experience disappointment and heartache, but it's important to learn from these experiences and use them to grow and become more resilient. With time and effort, you can find a relationship that is healthy, fulfilling, and based on trust and mutual respect.
I think it is pretty common at your age do get discouraged the way people tend to regard relationships as disposable No one wants to get to close in fear of being nailed down for too long. Kind of short-sighted, as they are missing out in the best part of a relationship
The only other thing I can think of, is your selection process needs to change. Maybe work on being friends first and see if he is in it for the long haul. Test him, if you will by putting off physical contact (to be determined by you).
If he's a dog and only interested in one thing, then he will either get frustrated and/or he won't stick around, but if he's truly interested, waiting for won't be any effort so long as he gets to spend time with you.
I figured you would have learned by now. Why are you perpetuating your expectations and the same behaviors? I suggest you take a break from dating until you do.
the answer is probably both. maybe you give too much of yourself too fast... because of your deeper needs.
maybe you are picking ones that are not good for you. a lot of guys just are not well trained or mature... where are people learning how to have good relationships? Oh yea, the kardashians and netflix... not good.
If you see dark clouds over you, the problem and solution is in your sub conscious to make changes.
You're eager for a relationship, that's your problem.
Just go at it with the mindset of "whatever happens, happens" and you'll find the relationship progressing a lot better
Setting your expectations too high can make you inadvertently do things that will turn guys away
Maybe it's the pattern, or shall I say type of guy that you're dating that may be the issue. I know a number of my female friends that seem to fall into this pattern of dating the same type of guy over and over, and then end up getting hurt.
Once you break that pattern, explore the type of guy you'd never considered before, you might get better luck.
You need to choose better. You probably keep going for the same type of guy.
do you know if you get lost in a desert without a compass you will walk in a gigantic circle in the direction of your most dominant foot.
you need to try to be more self aware. Figure out what type of men you keep going after.
create boundaries so you don’t go off tangent dating the same type of guy that you don’t want. Sensible ones that make sense to help choose better
Don't date someone with a similar personality or similar past to any of your exes because you will be incompatible.
Also try being with someone with conservative morals if you want someone more likely to be faithful long term.
Don't date anyone that has a past of casual sex. It isn't a "phase" like some people suggest, it is their morals.
Well my opinion is influenced by the desire I felt when I saw your photo blown up enough. Your sexual magnetism that seems to be pervasive around you might be upsetting a few guys. In that photo you are a knock out and if anything mabe some guys felt that they had an unfair disadvantage. I'm probably not husband material but I promise you wouldn't be bored with the degree of lust that erupts when I look at your photo
Too many girls are unbearable bitches who can't wait to hurt boys. Then such boys probably take it out on you.
They are usually bitches because they love sex, want to get paid for it, then get dumped as too expensive - and theygo complaining about it and hating 'men' 🤷♂️
well there's a bunch of people on the planet who live in a long term happy relationship. so if you keep finding guys that hurt you, you're looking for the wrong guys. or you're looking for guys wrong. of course the men who are being assholes are still accountable for their shit but you can only change what you do, not what they do.
women who are too "eager for a relationship" are usually the ones who get played on the most for the fact that you come off as too easy and gullible.
you gotta be a little more assertive and let these guys know that you're no clingy princess rushing for a relationship at a deathgrip. if you think something sounds too good to be true then it probably is. dont be afraid to call them out either
Yes you are you have to take your time and get to know the guys. When you go for a job you have a probationary period where you don't get any benefits and the reason for that is there watching you and evaluating you to see if you a good fit if your the type of employee they want in there company. We'll that's what you have to do when you date. Take some time get to know him and no sex or kissing get inside his head and see if that's really the man for you understand
Pay attention to what makes SINK'S happy.
I'd say it's pretty common these days. Guys aren't assholes, they're just more insecure and emotional because of the pressure society puts on them.
We as guys need to start thinking for ourselves. That will solve the problem.
Communication, communication, communication. All the time, from the very beginning. You will be able to sort out more guys that are not good for you.
You can also add your opinion below!
