My boyfriend read my texts complaining about his performance in bed, how can I make it up to him?

Question

My boyfriend recently read a bunch of my old texts complaining about his performance in bed like saying he wasn't good at eating me out. I had said this at a time we were going through a bit of a rough patch and since then our sex life has gotten much better. However, after reading these he has been very cold to me and we have not had sex since which is killing me. I can tell he is self conscious, I feel so guilty for venting during that time and it is not reflective of how I feel about our sex life a whole at all. Its been tearing me up. What can I say to him to make him feel better? He really is a great lover and boyfriend. If you were in his shoes what would you want me to say to reassure?

BoopBoopBeep · Accepted Answer

You never should have told someone else that. You should have told him that, kindly, with directions on how to be better for you. That you've taken to share a deeply intimate part of your relationship with a third party is inexcusable, that you didn't even tell him there was a problem is unconscionable. If I were in his shoes honestly there's nothing you could do.

It's not even because my ego is hurt, but because it's so very classless to go snitch about serious problems in a relationship to anyone outside your therapist/priest/marriage counselor, I'd seriously have to reevaluate my ability to distinguish between a woman of caliber and a basic B.

Tell me this, if he had gone out with his male friends, they were sitting around the table having drinks and he was like "Yo let me tell you guys... my girl's p***y smells like something died up inside and it was already sick when it crawled up there!" and they had a big laugh about it, then what is it that he could say to you to reassure you afterwards?

At a bare minimum you can show him this post so he knows he's not alone and there ARE supportive people out there. Pity his girlfriend couldn't be one of them. In fact, assuming you are sorry, because you are here, are you sorry you said it or sorry he found out? In case of the latter just don't be sloppy with your phone and go on about your very basic way.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

You left out the details of who/how many people these texts went to. Yes, that is a big part of the problem. Imagine that you found texts on his phone to three of his friends complaining about you having a smelly pussy, or being an inhibited prude who never had an orgasm. And you are going to continue seeing those people in the future at social events. Get the idea?

Next, you didn't tell him or try to resolve this before you started telling other people. How disrespectful! This is SUPPOSED to be your closest friend, you are SUPPOSED to have his back, and he SHOULD always be able to trust you. You have failed him horribly.

There is NOTHING you can say or do that will erase the memory of what you have done. You can offer his the hottest sex he ever had, give him whatever kink you've hesitated about. You can offer him anal sex, a threesome with your best friend, or group sex with every girl you complained to so that they can see for themselves that he isn't a limp dick. But you still won't erase the memories.

This may ultimately end your relationship. Learn a lesson from this: You don't EVER talk to anyone else about problems in your relationship unless and until you are ready to break up, walk away, and never look back. Otherwise, you create intolerable situations like this.

Pinay_ako · Accepted Answer

That is a low blow and I don’t think he’d recover from that. It’s okay to vent but not to someone else especially about his performance in bed! That’s a mortal sin! Why didn’t you tell him this before? You should’ve guided him how to satisfy you and give him the best head he’s ever had! Fuck his brains out! But never ever complain to someone else about his manhood or performance! Be honest and apologize to him and just ride him till sunrise

thatshydork · Accepted Answer

There’s not much you can do except say sorry and hope that he forgives you. Taking back what you said about someone is like trying to catch feathers on a windy day. It’s fine to rant and whatever but that kind of thing hurts, especially coming from someone who you trusted. It’ll take time for him to forgive you and regain his confidence again and you’ll just have to stick it out.

razelove · Answer

You can't take that one back, If you had said it to him you could. It's that you opened up your sex life to someone else, especially in such a negative way in writing.

If you're going to gripe about someone with friends, do it with some drinks face to face. He might be trying to figure out how to square that away in his head, or thinking about leaving. You hit a very sensitive spot and humiliated him.

What kind of time frame are you talking about from saying that to him finding out? Also why do y'all go through each other's phones? It seems like there is more to it.

Apple1996 · Answer

Probably no way to make it up to him. If you needed to vent then that's fine. I don't see that as the issue here. It's more that you never came out to him about these problems.

AviatorTom · Answer

I wouldn't want you to say anything. I'd want you to seduce me and treat me to the best sex we've ever had.

RavVid · Answer

Don't think you can. Girls think in terms of making someone feel better instead of apologizing and you are really on the wrong path in terms of making it up to him i. e. feel better. I don't know that the apology path works any better even though that is the path to take.

You have inflicted reputational damage on him and even if you correct that to those you said it to I don't think it gives much solace. You could take a "I was a crazy ungrateful bitch" line and he really knows what to do with his penis (even if not with his tongue).

It would be unfortunate if this destroyed your relationship.

Leapfrog00 · Answer

Eh, well, people need to vent. You weren't happy with his performance, you told a friend, and he found out. I wouldn't feel guilty. Everyone talks to other people about their relationship problems, and if they don't, they have better ones than I ever had!

Tell him you needed someone to vent to at the time, and you didn't know how to tell him that he wasn't good, and then tell him you're sorry for making him feel that way. He really shouldn't have read your texts though. That was a personal conversation.

Just be honest with him though. Tell him you weren't happy with his performance and you asked a friend for advice, and you're sorry for making him feel like he wasn't any good, and tell him that he's gotten better now, and tell him you will prove it to him if that's what you have to do. Any good boyfriend will appreciate his girlfriend's honesty.

Phoenix98 · Answer

That's kinda hard to recover from, you shoulda just been honest with him from the get go if you had any issues with his performance and done it a polite and respectful way and worked on the issues together. Rather then complaining about his performance to your friends behind his back, not a great move.

Honestly were I in his shoes I'd just want to be left alone and have space from you for at least a few days. But that's just me doesn't mean he would like that.

How you should make it up to him should be a conversation you need to have with him. But a start would probably be telling him what you told us and telling him all the ways he does satisfy you.

And let this be a reminder for the future to go to him in the future and be honest with him and just work through things with him in the future rather then complaining about it to your friends.

Also maybe think about how'd you feel were you in his situation and if he had done what you did.

Anonymous · Answer

The only way to even have a hope of fixing it is to genuinely make him understand. Which will probably take time.

You should start off by making him feel wanted and you should be extremely careful he doesn't feel like you're doing it just to make him feel better.

Tell him specifically what you want him to do to you. If it's really that hard to get him to get in bed with you right now, then start off with stuff specifically for him.

Then when you guys start having sex again, you should start talking about becoming a little more adventurous and then it will become more obvious when to take the most direct approach which would be to really talk about what happened and apologize and use these gestures as a way of showing you're committed to learning from your mistake.

Anonymous · Answer

1. You shouldn't ever complain about your sex life with your boyfriend to your friends. That's just as bad as cheating in my mind. Its a huge betrayal of trust.
2. How would you like it if he went around and started telling his friends that you're a dead fuck that all you do is give lack luster blow jobs and lay there when he fucks you. You wouldn't like it.
3. Communicate with him explain what he is doing isn't enjoyable. Guide him how you want him to do it. Or do you not even know how to get yourself off?
4. If i was him the only way you'd be forgiven is after a long punishment for breaking my trust in you.
5. Honestly your boyfriend should dump your bitch ass and move. You've proven you can't be trusted to keep your mouth shut about yours and his private life.

WanderingLoveWizard · Answer

I personally would never continue to date a girl who talks shit about to me to her friends when I did nothing wrong. Especially when it comes to private matters like how I am in bed. People can have their own opinions, but I think that's fucked up.
Don't kiss and tell, especially if it's negative

Anonymous · Answer

You hit him where it hurts and discussed it with someone else. Betrayal, broken trust. He's unlikely to forget this but he may choose to look passed it if you're giving him something better.
You're going to have to demonstrate that you love him at every opportunity, be as wonderful and womanly as he remembers you at the start of the relationship. Be very consistent in your messaging to him, and very positive. Chances are he'll see you're trying, trust in your positive behaviours, and re-engage with you in time.

Tschil200 · Answer

You can’t fix that you just ruined his confidence might as well let him sleep with another girl who will tell him he is good in bed or you can sleep with another guy say that man was worst seriously you might as well just keep your head down and hope he gets amnesia

boggboss · Answer

I honestly don't think u can apart from essently lying and saying u was a shit person who said it to hurt him out of anger why would u ever critique a insecurities your partner has do u know how damaging that is and look u get that I'd u was saying stuff like that he also said some fucked up shit but thats hella toxic

Samantha36 · Answer

He will get over it. My boyfriend saw a message of me telling my ex friends with benefits that my boyfriends cock wasn't as big as his. He went mental and I cut all communication with my ex but my boyfriend got over it and we moved on

RealMarek · Answer

All you can do is tell him what you said here, and say you know the problems in your relationship didn’t excuse your discussing details of your intimate relationship with others. If you apologize for this and accept responsibility he might come around.

bowenw · Answer

I suggest apologizing for discussing private things with others and promise never to do it again. You may want to tell him you should have discussed it with him but you didn't because of the rough patch you were going through. Ask him if he is open to discussing it now along with ways he thinks you could improve. Use it as an opportunity to get more comfortable discussing sex with each other.

runnerboy · Answer

Why don't you teach or coach him on how you like oral. I am new to sex (only 17 & not a virgin) but would appreciate a girl letting me know what feels good and where she likes any stimulation.

How old is your boyfriend? Is he new to sex? Just say you are sorry and make it up to him with a great handjob or bj... he will love it! What are your thoughts?

Mangospacho · Answer

Well, he is reading these texts from a while back and he did know you both had a rough patch. It’s not like you sent the text the prior day. I don’t understand how he doesn’t get over it when you both were mad at each other at that time anyway. Who did you send the text to anyway?

TracyF · Answer

Go tell everyone you know that he's great in bed and is a large man. Then tell him that you told everyone how studly he is. Then say you're sorry about it, casually. And ask if you guys can still be intimate. At the end of the day it's still his decision whether or not he's going to want to. But this'll help.

Spongebobssocks · Answer

Do him a favor and break up with him because he deserves someone better that doesn't put it out on the internet.

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

If it was me it wouldn't bother but that's just me since I can work around to make sure it feels better for her.

As for your boyfriend who seems very thin skin, just tell him you are sorry and it's seriously hurting you.

Try to cook him a dinner and give his cry baby ass a hug lol.

Billlewis · Answer

I think his finding out that you're dissatisfied with his attempts to please you may very well end up being a very positive development in your relationship. Now, he knows he needs to do a better job of providing sexual satisfaction for you.

justabuddy · Answer

Ooof... you did something hurtful. So now you need to do something equally and opposite. Without knowing the guy it's hard to say. Time is usually your best allie, set up a couple dates and maybe a trip. Make them memorable enough and he might start to forget. Focus on him for a while.

Daniela1982 · Answer

Some people can't learn until they have someone to teach them. Instead of complaining try being a substitute teacher. Maybe with the proper instruction and grades he will pass.

TooHot2Care · Answer

... I thought women were supposed to be the more "emotionally mature" and "emotionally intelligent" sex.. . . . . . Why are so many of you so retarded and lack empathy for anything with a penis? xD

dolllface · Answer

honey you added your sentence after that guy said drop your single friends… clearly im gonna assume you’re generalizing just like he is

Christoff92 · Answer

Talk with him what he actually likes and try to duplicate. This is why guys go on porn. They want and wish for their fantasies to be real.

You're ain't the type but try to make it his best time in bed. Encounter him 🙂

Jltakk · Answer

What you did was quite cold and hurtful. If you had a problem, you should have discussed it with him and not berate him behind his back. I would immediately apologize.

Truthatanycost · Answer

Nothing can repair this! He will never trust you again.

GoodEnoughThen · Answer

The risk you take, and the price you pay, when you go snooping...

Fromdusktilldawn · Answer

chances are you've ruined it and he might leave, even if a guy is confident, insulting his manhood hurts every guy. How'd you feel if he said you're like a dead fish in bed

tfan1 · Answer

Swear to him you will never release that kind of information out to Anyone! It’s nobody’s business but you two.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Ha! Classic female, putting all of your relationship problems on blast. Idiot.

mommymommymommy · Answer

Never talk about sex life with a third party. NEVER

itsalyssaagain · Answer

Girl seems like this is a big problem lol. He’s probably hurt hurt.

exitseven · Answer

This is why you should never put personal stuff om the internet

Juxtapose · Answer

I would think you'd be trying to lie to me with your reassurances and your only honesty is when you think I am not watching.

Staximus · Answer

Why didn't you delete those texts? You're not the brightest bulb on the Hanukkah bush, are you?

LiamJHayden · Answer

That is a tough one. You shared intimate details with someone not entitled to them.

cocobellass · Answer

Tell him to stop being a little b and get over himself jfc

serious_miss419 · Answer

Who cares. Tell him to quit complaining and quit snooping.

DextroShade · Answer

Tell him you are going to get rid of your single friends, and do so.

Anonymous · Answer

Sounds like you're gonna have to let him do butt stuff and act like it's the most amazing thing ever

Anonymous · Answer

You totally can't, he'll either get over it or leave. And if you leave him it'll be twice as bad. Should have had more respect for him when it counted.

imfreeze95 · Answer

I am not sure it’s possible to fix this. You kind of broke him.

bananathunder · Answer

put his face between your legs and show him what you need

QuietRunner · Answer

I don't think you'll ever make it up to him you'll just have to have lots of sex with him

jshm2 · Answer

You don't Ditch his insecure ass.

Sofie1999_ · Answer

To practice some more.

In_Trance · Answer

How did he gain access to the texts?

Anonymous · Answer

That's easy. You can't.

Smashingdoozy · Answer

Tell the truth

pethouse · Answer

You fucked up buddy

Lavitadifarfala · Answer

…. Oh why

My boyfriend read my texts complaining about his performance in bed, how can I make it up to him?

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