I feel like throughout my life people have never truly cared about me how I care for them. And for a while I always thought that was rooted in me lacking certain things but for the first time I've looked at myself through an outside perspective and I would value myself so much as a friend or romantic partner or whatever. And I feel uncomfortable saying that because it ruins the meaning of it if it comes off in a conceited way. I value people because of their souls not because of how funny they are or how well they can hold a conversation and yea those things are nice ofc but they don't mean much if you are not a good person. People have always taken advantage of me or been so cruel and I've just never understood why. I would never want to make anyone ever feel these horrible ways even if they've done me wrong, I always just want peace and for people to just love each other. It just seems like every time I think I find an incredible person they turn out to be so self observed or just so messed up morally. And ofc I know people have flaws, I do too and I don't want or expect anyone to be perfect. However, the things people have done to me are just right out cruel and extremely selfish so I struggle to see their point of view because I would never even think to do the things they have. My point with all of this is if all I ever get with trying to invest in other people and build connection ends up just being pain, then genuinely what's the point? I don't want to be lonely but I'd rather have no company than bad company. And to be clear, I don't give love just to receive love but connection can't build if it's one sided. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so nice because then I could at least relate to people and not feel so distant from their choices. I don't WANT to be separate in this way, but I also don't want to give into this norm of being so incredibly selfish. It would be my dream if the whole world treated eachother kindly. I just want to meet one genuinely good human
Does anyone else just not see the value in connecting with people anymore/has anyone else felt this way before-what did you do?
Also to clarify, I know there will be good times and bad times in any relationship but the bad times just always seem to outweigh the good times in my experiences. My life just seems more peaceful alone at this point. So I’m wondering is that really the answer? Just live your life with distance because I just will always be too loving for people to not try to abuse and hurt me?