Why do I love my boyfriend sometimes and then not?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 1 year. We met in a hostel and it was love at first sight for both…

He followed me to my home on the other side of the world and we have been living together since…We only see each other at night because of work so we spend little time together actually.

The thing is that I have times where I’m not sure whether I’m truly in love or not. I have moments in the month where I’ll be super happy to be with him and I cherish him a lot, I’ll feel like a kid and just be happy to be w him, And other times where I don’t feel like saying I love you or hugging him. I’ll sleep on one end of the bed and hope to be left alone… I feel like I am mean to feel that way and I don't know.. just feel really crappy because I wish my feelings were 100% always. He is the one to actually tell me he suffers that I’m not clingy enough (because he is very into physical touch and words of affirmation).
what scares me is that in my past relationship (with an abusive man) I never doubted whether I loved him or not. My feelings were very linear with that ex boyfriend of mine. Why was I not doubting with that a**hole and with this amazing man, I am here doubting myself?

The truth is that a part of my brain keeps on freaking out and telling me to not fuck the relationship up because I do genuinely love many things about it. He is a very caring man, always does things for me, has a lot of love to give, we have so many common interests etc. We have the same plans for the future and want the same things in life. I can’t imagine breaking up.

[knottywriter]

There is not going to be a perfect answer to this question. The damage done by your ex will linger and you have to work through that part to determine why you feel certain ways in your current relationship. As someone who was emotionally abused by my ex, you get "taught" that certain things are how love should look because this is what this person is doing to show they love you. When it's abusive behaviors that make it into that picture of what love is, it is hard to see it in the new person who is treating you the way love should be displayed appropriately. It gives you this sense that they aren't showing you the "love" you are accustomed to knowing as love and therefore creates doubts in your mind of whether this is really love overall. As I said, there is not perfect answer to this but it is likely coming from a similar mindset that you may not even think about being there. The demons of my past relationship just hit me without warning and it makes me question whether or not my lady truly loves me. Just trust in the love you are being shown know and even talk with him about ways that he could help you with them. Sometimes that may require you needing moments of space and he can probably respect that. Just work through it together.

[Sexiestjohnson]

I think your heart has gone into protective mode because of your past relationship. I don't think anything is wrong with you. Your ex may have been abusive but there is such a thing as the tree of good and evil. Evil never comes as evil. There is always a sweet good it also gives. This sweet good makes it damn near unforgettable.


Acknowledge all the things you love about your ex. Find out why those things are valuable to you. Measure your boyfriend on those standards. Question if you can compromise them if he is not measuring up. Life is not for enduring lovelessness. You deserve the best. Don't settle.

[provokeesmokee]

It's okay.

Intense feelings like deep love aren't always on. You'd burn out with that.

Deep and true love can be like waves, stronger at some times than others.

However, you're identifying some trauma from your last relationship. And that's impacting how you're feeling/approaching this one.

That's a great step to recovering and healing, but you need a professional touch to help guide you.

Get yourself therapy. Couples' therapy if he's open to it can help you both express your needs, wants, and challenges in an environment with a professional capable of acting as a bridge between you.

I've been in both individual and couples therapy and highly recommend it. Especially for someone in your situation.

[EmyyWolf]

Because we’re not supposed to be in relationships and we’re not supposed to be monogamous, that’s why

[AviatorTom]

You're confusing love with like. You always live someone, but you don't always like them.

[DextroShade]

This is a perfect example of why men should nit commit to women who are alpha-widowed or passed around by jerks. Your ability to pair-bond has been damaged and it's on you to overcome that if you don't want to die alone because punishing the men in your present for the mistakes of men in your past equals no future.

[Juxtapose]

Seems about right to me!

[marish01]

Run away from women who are brainwashed by the red pill nonsense

[Juxtapose]

@marish01 yeah the red pill shit is fucking cancer. People don't even believe in love anymore.

[DextroShade]

@marish01 based women are in demand, it's the feminists and woketards who men should avoid and are avoiding for anything serious.

[Juxtapose]

You need to see a therapist because you're still only getting tingles from abusive dudes while the normal dude is boring you and you have times where you don't even want to be near. Oof!

He traveled to the other side of the world, clearly wants to be near you and that still is not good enough. Feels bad.

[BrowneyesJ1776]

Sounds like you have some trauma and anxiety from your previous relationship and maybe some ROCD (relationship OCD). Perhaps try counseling or life coach. If you love him and happy overall you have to train your brain to not sabotage the relationship bc of what happened in past and thinking what abuser did was love.

[Anonymous]

What you're experiencing is very common, especially with your background. At your age, it's a big, big life decision. Sounds like you've got a really good thing and you're just experiencing the usual fears that come with considering a lifetime commitment.

[WanderingLoveWizard]

Because you don't love him, you love the idea of him

[OddBeMe]

Sounds like you’re confusing love and lust, or happiness. People won’t make each other happy 24/7. But as long as it’s most of the time it should be a good relationship.

[Juxtapose]

Maybe if he starts treating her like shit she'll get the tingles again.

[OddBeMe]

@Juxtapose can’t say that won’t work. Sometimes girls like challenge and being dickish, gotta know how to do it juuuuusssstt right.

[Anonymous]

You are just a hormonal woman... im the same

[KrakenAttackin]

Because you would rather be riding the cock carousel.

[LiamJHayden]

"in love" is emotion/feelings based. "Love" should be commitment based.

[Anonymous]

I assume he was the one who asked you out

[brandon1122]

It was lust from you