Does this mean he’s hiding something still? Is he just not trying to let me see anything anymore? Why the sudden change if this has been an issue?

[Anonymous]

Long story, but basically when I was 5 months pregnant, after picking my boyfriend up from the airport I couldn’t relax so I decided to check his phone. Nothing happened on the trip but I found that he was emotionally cheating on me since the beginning of the relationship. I really only found one girl which he was still talking to her (he says it was on and off through the 3 years). They flirted and made plans throughout the years and she sent nudes all kinds of stuff. When texting in recent times there was some flirting and he sent her money every now and then (he says she sent it back but I saw no proof of that).

Maybe 2-3 weeks after I saw that, there were more girls that he talked to at the beginning of the relationship up until maybe 1-2 years in. He send money to one because “she deserves to be spoiled” (she had a boyfriend by the way). Time went on, I think all is out but nope I find one more girl (the one he met up with, drove around, took her out to eat, no touching or sex he claims). I started feeling like the trips we took and us driving around seeing things wasn’t all that special anymore and I just couldn’t look at him the same. They were no longer talking when I found out.

With baby on the way I was so devastated but I just stuck it out. I left and went back to our home state for a little while and had baby, came back and found that there was a girl talking to him. He emailed her picture to himself and then said he realized he shouldn’t be doing that so he claims to not really talk to her much although the last message was a few days ago at the time that I saw it. I asked him about her and said wtf y’all started talking not even a week after I left. I thought we were working on doing better? And with the baby wouldn’t he want to work things out? He claims to want things to work out btwn us. Anyway now it’s been 2 days since I asked about all that and said that I’m not continuing anything unless we do therapy. Now his phone password is different.

[Dreku]

I'm sorry to hear all this, I'm also going to be blunt he is almost certainly still doing it still or even possibly more if his personality type is based around doubling down when he suffers negative thought patterns, he's immature and that can't change, he isn't doing this because he needs to, he wants to, he doesn't even seem to care about the pain it causes you past his own discomfort when being caught becomes tiresome, and the paying them? That's a whole other thing, he seems to enjoy being financially dominated and that is a dopamine reinforcement nightmare, for people into it engaging in something like that can produce as much dopamine as a dose of cocaine so it's as long as that phone is usable then he has access to a dump truck of dopamine whenever he wants, thing is your attempts to work with him at this point has only taught him that he can do this and you will stay/take him back,

[Asker]

I told him that exact same thing. That by me staying it’s telling him that he can keep doing whatever and messing up. And while I didn’t picture all this, especially not with a child in the mix now, I can’t do it for much longer. I wanted us to do couples therapy when I first found out and it didn’t happen. But I told him that I’m not continuing anything until we do that do we can get everything out and figure out what’s really happening. He said he started looking because he’ll be the one paying for it. If it doesn’t help the relationship at all, at least maybe it’ll help let go of resentment so we can communicate and parent the best way possible like we need to. I can only deal with it for so long, on top of it coming out during times that hormones are very high and all over the place already. But he doesn’t like for me to bring it up but I feel like I was never able to really talk about it and really understand. He just says stuff like oh well then you should leave if you can’t get over it, but how can I if I’m having to deal with so many other things at once. That’s on the back burner because I have more important things to worry about now, but that comes back up often since it’s not dealt with completely 🙄 I think everything you said is true and I’m wondering what he would feel about it if he read it

[Dreku]

He would likely say it's all false as it would very directly call out his behaviour, I do think couples therapy may be a good idea, as you said at the very least it may help you process the repeated betrayal, my mental health would be destroyed if I was in your position but yes, the important thing right now is the baby

[Iron_Man]

That’s impossible to have a relationship with somebody like that. How do you know they haven’t had sex I would recommend get yourself an attorney and get a high child support custody payments.

[Asker]

You’re right, and that’s the unfortunate part. I’ll never really know the full truth. It’s just so much to be finding out during one of the most emotional times of my life:

[Iron_Man]

That’s horrible I wish you the best

[Iron_Man]

Thanks for most helpful Award

[razelove]

I hate to say it, but you thought you had a man locked down who wasn't even in a relationship with you.

Who was paying for the trips, who suggested and initiated them? How much do you actually know about him aside from his phone and social media? Is his name on the birth certificate?

Many men chase a woman to realize she isn't his. Many women chase a man to realize he isn't hers. The biggest difference would be knowing whose kid it is. Seems like he's trying to "pollinate" as many women as possible more so than have a family.

You're convenient, so he's with you for now, if it becomes difficult he'll bounce to any one of the other women that it's easier with, cut contact with you, and claim the kid isn't his if his name isn't on the birth certificate.

Are you two married?

[Asker]

We’re not married, and yes he’s on the birth certificate 😬 I thought long and hard about how difficult it might be for my last name to be different than hers if it’s just me and her but because he’s involved I gave her his name. I think he’ll want to be around her as she grows up regardless of if we’re together. The worry for me would just be if too many women would be introduced in her life.

[Avicenna]

His current behavior looks really bad. He needs to mature, and quickly.

[BoopBoopBeep]

People always say "And with the baby wouldn’t he want to work things out?"

No. No that changes nothing. Certainly not for the better.

[KingslayerC]

I'd call this cheating for sure. Maybe he'll treat you right after the baby, but he still sounds like he's not a good husband material type dude.

[serious_miss419]

So much easier being a single mom. Girl u have discovered this. He obviously can’t be a father, a husband, or a man. Congratulations on your baby!!

[noohair]

Men used to have to make a commitment to a woman for sex.
That was love and marriage.
Women wanted freedom and equality.
This is what freedom and equality looks like.

[exitseven]

Nevermind working it out. You need to get a lawyer and find out what kinds of rights you and your baby have.

[In_Trance]

I think you need to move on