Is love selfish or selfless?

[TenderFantasy]

Selfish

Selfless

[provokeesmokee]

It's both; it ebbs and flows.

At its core, it is selfless - giving yourself to another and supporting them, sometimes putting them before yourself.

But it also has moments and currents of selfishness. If one partner gives and one partner only takes, it's unsustainable. That's not love, that's abuse and enablement.

Likewise we love the other person - so we must let them BE that person, we cannot expect them to sacrifice themselves for us. It would mean losing what makes them who we love.

Sometimes, we need them to be selfless too. Sometimes, we need to be selfish because ultimately only we can take care of ourselves. It would be unfair to expect someone else to caretake us always.

So, it's both.
It come and goes.

[SnowedIn]

Seriously well said. Exactly right.

[Ms_Facesitter]

Both. I mean you're both looking for intimacy and use each other for it, if you think about it. But the more you care, the more selfless?

[TenderFantasy]

Hmm 🤔 interesting.

[Kaneki05]

Real love is selfless, as you would care about them been happy and support them even if it goes against what you want.
For example they may have feelings for someone else. Fake love which is selfish would tell you to get upset by this, try to fight for them and don't let them be happy with that someone else because it ain't you.
Real love would say if that makes her happy I am happy for her.

[TenderFantasy]

Bam truth.

But unfortunately, I think at our core, we are very selfish creatures/beings. It's HARD to be happy for someone at times, especially when it doesn't involve the original person. Otherwise, we wouldn't see people being in an angry rage because of cheating or jealousy, etc.

Sometimes though, people experience unrequitted love and that, even though, hurts them, what can they do about it? Nothing really, so they HAVE to move on and try to get their needs met with someone else.

[Kaneki05]

Lucky I've experienced the difference twice now. The two loves of my life I may not be with them but I will always love them and happy they've moved on, they may not even think about me at all but that's fine longs if they are living their life.
There is of course still a part of me that wishes they were with me but I can truly say I am happy for them.

Meanwhile everyone else I've dated I have begrudging thoughts towards because at the end of the day I was never in love with them just lust for them.

Everyone's selfish inherently so of course it's gonna feel bad but rare times we come under circumstances we are unselfish, some more than others. And some feel that true experience of love.

[SnowedIn]

Love has to be both. It must be selfless in order to shower it's manifestations over the other party. But it equally has to be selfish because love fulfills the "me", the "I" in the relationship. In a good way: the selfish is fuel for selfless.

[SnowedIn]

Thank you for MHO!

[provokeesmokee]

This is it! You hit the nail on the head, well said.

[SnowedIn]

@provokeesmokee... thank you; really appreciated.

[Operachic]

Both. If you love someone, you’ll be willing to allow them to have their independence, and let them go if it’s what they want. However, there is also such a thing as giving and taking in a romantic relationship between partners. You give support when you can, and you take it return.

[TenderFantasy]

Good answer.

[asphaltrhymes]

Usually selfish lol. I mean after all, those sayings of "it's you and me" lol. They're kind of selfish. I mean, what about your fellow other humans in society. "We" instead of "me", because each person contributes. And pays taxes ✌🏻👍😅

[LiamJHayden]

True love is other-centered. What most people call "love" seems to be self-centered.

[TenderFantasy]

Yeah. And what seems to be MORE confusing is there are different TYPES of love according to a psychology class I took about two decades ago lol.

[LiamJHayden]

Well I agree that there are different types. Many languages even use different words for the types. I love chess, surfing and playing music. I love my friends in a completely different way. If I ever find a life companion, I will love her is yet another way. But when I see "love" on this site I automatically think about the latter. To me, that has to be other-centered. That is the type of love that endures.

[FreyaRed]

Both. Sometimes you're the one who gives, sometimes you take. Generally if it's balance it's love otherwise it's different type of addiction.

[MementoMori777]

selfless but it depends on how you look at it, i wouldn't share my wife with anyone and i wouldn't expect her to want to share me with anyone so some might see that as selfish so it depends on how you look at it

[Alex8736]

Should be a 2 way street satisfying each other's needs

[BLP11520]

There are different types of love, Hollywood love is not real. Sacrificing for family is an act of love... making love to someone you love is not selfish but could be? Friendship love is also different...

[syncheart]

It should be selfless, but that is hard, it takes work, and you need someone that will try with you.

[mommymommymommy]

If I knew what love was in the first place i could tell ya but, honestly i dont know what it is

[Adam1978]

Are we talking receiving or giving?

[TenderFantasy]

giving seems more selfless than selfish.

receiving is definitely always (or at least usually) selfish.

[Adam1978]

Receiving is not selfish, how could it be? , you aren't doing the action. A person can give you love when you don't want it. Or you might not dislike it but be unwilling to return favor. Unless you actually created the situation, how can you claim it's selfish? I mean if I milk a lover from resources just because I can, I am selfish, but that isn't an action of love. It's pure exploitation of people in love.

[TenderFantasy]

Okay? I don't think you truly understood what I was talking about. I am not talking about when you get rejected in love or for a date, etc. I am talking about in an ACTUAL relationship. By the way, rejecting someone's love towards you is pretty selfish in and of itself too if you think about it. You are reacting to what you DON'T want in that scenario.

[TenderFantasy]

"I mean if I milk a lover from resources just because I can, I am selfish, but that isn't an action of love. It's pure exploitation of people in love." Yes, this I agree with.

[Adam1978]

Accepting love from someone you don't like is equally bad, because you create a lie and that's not a foundation of a relationship. So it's better for everyone that you actually reject them. So it's not selfish, because you are looking out for their best too. Which is not living in a lie and move on. Besides why would you sacrifice your chances for love and happiness, just because someone decided they love you? Makes no sense you don't owe them anything.

[TenderFantasy]

"Accepting love from someone you don't like is equally bad, because you create a lie and that's not a foundation of a relationship. So it's better for everyone that you actually reject them. So it's not selfish, because you are looking out for their best too. "

Not really. Love readily given is often a good thing and for the other person to take the time to do that and give should also be taken into consideration if someone was actually a matured person. Not everyone knows how to love and love well and selflessly too I would add that.

" So it's not selfish, because you are looking out for their best too." I don't think it's that simple. What if THEY think you are the best they can get? Also, how do you know that their next love is going to treat them right? You really cannot assume things behind closed doors. That would actually be up to the other person to determine whether or not someone is really good for them, NOT the person who rejects them. But yeah, in general love and relationships HAVE to be mutual. I hope you at least agree with me on that lol.

[Adam1978]

I don't agree. If people who either don't match my preference or in another way isn't good for me. Such as a physchopath It's a one sided deal. That would be bad for us both. Especially me.

[TenderFantasy]

"I don't agree. If people who either don't match my preference or in another way isn't good for me. Such as a physchopath It's a one sided deal. That would be bad for us both. Especially me."

Um, okay, I don't think you understood it yet again lol. That's pretty selfish of you to decide WHO is a 'psychopath' based on your personal, individual preference, standards. Could be a different thing for someone else maybe.

But like I said, rejecting them would NOT mean you were automatically doing what was BEST for them, because like I said, what if they DIDN'T know what was best for them. Maybe you do, but they don't? They are still in that young and immature stage where they don't know what is best for them or what they truly wanted yet. But YOU already decided for YOURESELF that they weren't it. Get it?

[Adam1978]

I don't decide that but there is sick people out there and they can also try to give you love. And just because someone decides to give me love or anything else, doesn't mean I am obligated to give them a chance or accept it. I have my independence and have the right to decide my life choices. There is plenty of toxic or otherwise undateable women out there too.

[Adam1978]

So if a ugly fat and smelly guy loved you, you would bind your life to him as long as he kept loving you independent how much you despise him as a person?

[TenderFantasy]

"So if a ugly fat and smelly guy loved you, you would bind your life to him as long as he kept loving you independent how much you despise him as a person?" First of all, if I wasn't attracted to the person, then no, I would not. Also, I wouldn't go so far as to HATE him for how he looked. That's never a matured thing to do nor do I feel is worth doing. Loving someone shouldn't be met with hate in my opinion. Also, fat can be subjective thing. It can also be a Medical or Genetic issue, and I am proud to say I am not THAT shallow as to judge someone solely on things they cannot control. I wouldn't want to be treated like that, and yet I have for instance. Next, hygene can be greatly improved upon.

"There is plenty of toxic or otherwise undateable women out there too." It's not good to be negative as my mom would say. And it wouldn't be fair to put a huge blanket on ALL women especially given that you don't know them all individually. They are people too.

"And just because someone decides to give me love or anything else, doesn't mean I am obligated to give them a chance or accept it." Very true. Same with someone you were very attracted to, but they just didn't see you in that light. Obviously it takes two. But what's good about your outlook anyway, is I think you can be happy to be alone, or die alone, or maybe just have close family or friends (if you have them) and I think that is good too. It's not really good to be desperate for romantic love. I think that is just something that science and or nature tricks our brain with in order to procreate. But anyway..

[Adam1978]

I don't have time or energy to try to fix people. Besides that is impossible if they don't want to change. You have already said that you wouldn't accept anyone and that was my point. They need to make themselves dateable if they want a date. As long as you don't go around with unrealistic expectations, that is a obtainable for most partners.

[Staximus]

A mixture of both

[TenderFantasy]

🙂👍

[exitseven]

I think it is more selfless.

[dragoblack]

It's both but also just a natural impulse

[Blackcupcake]

love is selfless…

[DiegoO]

Selfish

[DiegoO]

We love because we expect something good about it, and if the suffering from it is to great, we stop loving.

It means that love is always about what we receive from it, rather than what we give.

[TenderFantasy]

Hey that's true! I mean, we give in order to feel good too if you think about it that way. Most people who DONATE do so, because they can imagine how that would feel for the other person to receive and in turn (indirectly), we feel good/great inside because we have done that good deed! You're right!

[Wise4myage]

Love is selfless.

[roy_ricky09]

Both