Maybe some guidance needed?

[Anonymous]

So, I am posting anonymously for personal reasons. My girlfriend and I have been living together for 8 months. Both have kids. We are in our 40s. Feel like there is a ton of drama. I’ll have to disclose, we were an affair. I met her as I was ending my marriage with my wife and she was still with her husband. Claimed she was done and ready to move on. I went through my divorce. Waited a 8 months before she was “ready” to move in. Irritated me. I wouldn’t have been involved if she wasn’t ready. I shouldn’t have to begin with. Lesson learned. That being said, she’s still unwilling to approach her family and let them know her marriage is at least over. The moving on piece I get. Take a little more time. If you’re not willing to end that life in the view of your family and most friends, something has to be seriously off. Looking for some ways to maybe have the right conversation before choosing to end things. I treat her well. I’m very attentive to her. I put her needs above mine. She wants or needs something, I’m there. I clean, cook, do work around the house. Compliment her every day. To me it feels like writing on the wall. It feels hard to give up at the same time. It’s been a year since she said she would tell her family she was getting divorced. I feel like a total moron.

[_Maya_]

So you have been living together for 8 months or waited 8 months until you moved in... or both. I just don't want to get that part wrong because it could be important. Anyway sounds like she is embarrassed to tell her family. Honestly? How do they not even know after a year since she decided to get a divorce? That is crazy considering she has kids. Someone would have talked or slipped at some point. Like how do they not know where she is living (if you have been living together for 8 months)? Not much makes sense to me here.

[Asker]

We have lived physically together for 8 months. Her family doesn’t go visit. She’s always been the one to visit them. I don’t get how they don’t know either. I will say my family never came to visit me and I always went to them. So, if the roles were reversed they would have had no idea either. She was supposed to separate and move in by summer in 2022. However, cold feet, which forced me into a position of waiting 7-8 for her to actually move in. It was torture. She had stated she is petrified to tell them. For various reasons. Reassures me all the time how much she loves me and wants to be with me more than anything. I just feel like shit being excluded and I told her today after a fight, I can’t keep feeling these feelings and it’s bringing out insecurities that I generally don’t experience and feel. This all triggered because about 4 months ago she invited me to a family function, which just passed. When the time came as I was getting ready, she told me she wanted me to stay home because she was too scared. Fine. My issue is she won’t even discuss it with me or she will keep kicking it down the road. I get it is my decision at this point. I’m just trying to cross everything off on my head before making a decision. This shit hurts lol

[_Maya_]

Damn. That is a tough situation. Have you told her about what it will be like if they find out on their own versus her telling them? I think you and I both know how differently that will likely go. Might be enough to get her to talk to them.

[Asker]

Yes, we did talk about what it would be like if they found out another way. It’s going to be way way worse. She’s not worried about her siblings or her older child. Or at least claims. If that was the case, she would tell them. It appears to me she wants the public presentation to be as if she is still with her ex to “save face.” Her ex doesn’t go to family events or anything, but obviously stuff with their kid, which I am excluded from. Which pisses me off lol

[_Maya_]

That is quite the risk she is taking. Well that was my best idea. 😆

[Asker]

Agreed. I told her today, I’m trying. At the same time, she can’t live with me and hide me anymore. She knew what she was getting into.

[_Maya_]

Maybe someone else will come along with better advice. Seems kinda dead right now though.

[Static_In_The_Attic]

I’m going to divorce, I’m going to divorce, dude it’s like they never do. As for you congratulations on finalizing your divorce & as for your girlfriend if she is not ready to throw in the towel give her time & let her do it on her own thing without you interfering. As for you with all honesty you can compliment her every day, you can cook, you can clean & you can be there for her every second but at the end of the day she is still a married woman. I know you feel like a moron or a man bitch or a boom boom buddy or a hotel & I’m sorry to hear that & my brother from another mother I feel you.

At this point all you can do is let faith take its course & if it was meant to be it will be.

[In_Trance]

Lol see the irony here?
You're annoyed that it took 8 months but this is precisely why it needed to take at least 8 months if not more.

[Asker]

We’ve been together for 2 years. I was going through my divorce. She was waiting for it to be completed before making things final on her end. Once mine was final “she didn’t think I was going to follow through.”

She was “ready.” That’s the point. Now she’s not.

[Anonymous]

You and her were an affair, I imagine she’s unsure of how she’ll admit that when she confronts her family and they press her with questions. Have patience, she’ll come around when she’s ready.

[Avicenna]

Are you sure she is actually divorced?

[Anonymous]

None of this makes much sense.