Im a total doormat how do I fix this?

[StormMistress]

Because it’s pretty detrimental to my mental health. Im a codependent, passive-type of girl and am always afraid of hurting peoples feelings. I’m afraid of rejection or people walking out of my life and I’m deathly afraid of conflict. I’m also afraid of being seen as difficult and that my needs won't be met even if I ask.

It’s really noticeable with my current boyfriend. I actually slept on the floor of my own bedroom because he was taking up my side of the bed and I didn’t want to disturb him. He said tell me it’s your bed it’s not a hassle at all but I still can’t because I would just feel bad about it.

[RavVid]

Sleeping on the floor was excessive.

I'd suggest a couple of things.

First count the number of people whose opinion of you is important. It should be no more than a hand. Your boyfriend, parents maybe, siblings maybe, a close friend or two. Everybody else can go hang and there is no need to impress them.

Allied to this, is we all want people to perceive us in a particular way. Maybe that is kind, perhaps amusing, perhaps clever. It hurts us if we receive feedback that others don't perceive as we would like to.

Brutal honesty is required with ourselves. Are we actually how we would like to be perceived? Most likely not. It is best to give up that ego and just be who you are. Everybody is a work in progress for their whole life. Perhaps you are still working on being witty.

You know what? Once you let go these things everything immediately self resolves and stops being an issue. You no longer need Bitch X to like you or be impressed by you. Problem resolved because she isn't on the hand of people that do count and you no longer need people to be impressed by your wit.

Honestly once we have identified the people who do matter and given up the desire to be perceived in a specific way then problems instantaneously disappear and resolve.

Occasionally I do feel negative responses but I recognize that that is because I wanted to be perceive in a particular way and obviously wasn't. It is for me to discard wanting that perception.

I think a lot of your doormatting will disappear and disappear fast if you do the above.

People might tell you to be assertive. The problem with that is as a non-assertive person is you will over compensate and be aggressive. It is often difficult to find the difference between assertive and aggressive for non-assertive people. Plus it is slower to find the sweet spot.

[RavVid]

Thanks for the MHO. I hope it does help.

[Twalli]

You are a lot like me except I'm a bit more assertive. Think of it this way, for a lot of the things you would ask for ordinarily, it is the job of those people to provide it. You aren't taking up any more of their time. They'd still be doing what they're doing even if it's to your benefit. As for avoiding conflict, everyone should do that, but be able to handle themselves when conflict arises that can't be avoided. My martial arts teacher told us that if he knew that someone was going to grab his wrist at that time in that place, he would not be in that place at that time. Conflict avoidance is the first rule of martial arts, don't fight unless you have exhausted every other avenue. So trying to avoid conflict is good, and I wish more people did it. If your boyfriend is sleeping on your side of the bed, sleep on him. I have yet to meet a guy who hates it if their girlfriend sleeps on him. My girlfriend falls asleep with a good 50% of her body on top of me. We move apart during the night, but she falls asleep to my heartbeat.

[BasedBaeBecca]

If you want to work on being less of a doormat, you'll have to start by becoming more confident in yourself and becoming a better advocate for what you need and want in life. This will take practice and effort, so don't be hard on yourself if you don't see immediate results. Start small and work your way up. Challenge yourself to voice your thoughts and feelings, even if they go against what other people want. You also need to work on overcoming your fear of conflict and rejection, so try to expose yourself to those situations and practice expressing your needs and setting healthy boundaries.

[BlackBeauty90]

Working in medical I'm going to be extremely blunt

Until you seek psychological help it's not going to improve. You have a situation that can't be self cured without serious support & it's quite doubtful you have it.

You have an extreme case of low self-esteem coupled with anxiety disorder.

What you describe is typical of anxiety disorder often contributed to growing up in a broken household where conflict may have escalated into abuse - physical or mental.

Likely you learnt young it was better to "suck it up" rather than stand up for your rights.

.

[Nik1hil]

Listen to her..
She is right!..
Psychological help will give a great result

[Nik1hil]

Please.. Stop calling yourself doormat..

You are selfless. 🥺🥺 It's rare quality in a women..

Self-less people can sacrifice easily, and sacrifice is how, really a relationship or family sustains..

You are a 😍😍Gem In a world of self centered Barbies and Boss Bitch😔 and Bad Bitch.. 🤢🤮🤮

[StormMistress]

🩷🩷🩷

[Andres77]

The one who cares the least about the relationship is the one in control of the relationship. Low self esteem will lock one into a relationship because they are deathly afraid of losing their partner, apathy or maltreatment is not enough for them to stand up for themselves.

you’ve got to be willing to lose the relationship in order to be able to fix the relationship.

[loveslongnails]

Ok, that's really weird. You're not going to disturb him by taking a portion of the bed, even if he stirs. There will be no memory of that in the morning. You might seriously consider working those things out with an expert, because in the short OR long term, they're not beneficial to your wellbeing.

[AydenHazor]

Unfortunately it's not an easy fix. To often we don't learn to stand up for or advocate for ourselves until we've been through hell because of it. You might try working with a therapist who can help with through the why behind being a people pleaser, help you realize you're worth and start advocating for yourself

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

If he takes up all the place, go and sleep on him.

Don’t sleep on the floor again!

[exitseven]

It sounds like you have a self esteem issue. You are as good an anyone else, and don;t forget it. You are entitled to your own territory. You are a good person and worth knowing.

[Billlewis]

I'd trade personalities with you if I could, because I'm never satisfied with how accurately I'm able play the role of submissive male doormat.

[Nikki1989]

You have to know your self-worth and start thinking about yourself more often.

[bowenw]

Baby steps. Start with small things so you can prove to yourself that you will not be rejected. People will like you even if you are assertive.

[Friendlybro79]

Get therapy. They can help not us. If you're already going... go more frequently or find a new therapist.

[Anonymous]

You have to be brave and stop reacting. You have to pause before you act and speak. You have to act and speak differently than habit.

[Danny_dan92]

Stop being a doormat?




It’s not difficult. Grow a spine

[AngryCarl2]

Yeah this sounds like a self-esteem issue. If possible you should get therapy. If that doesn't work there's always assertiveness training.

[LiamJHayden]

It is okay to be nice, but people who habitually run you over do not care about you and can be safely discarded.

[Sparkie460]

You have to be more firmer and independent. Don't rely on others. You are too soft hearted.

[eagle1951]

wow that's bad, what if your kids were being made fun of or threatened, what would you do

[WhitneySnow]

Maybe therapy would help

[Grond21]

Sounds like wounds from your childhood

[AmeerX]

It's not a bad thing to be pleasing to him.

[Adaeva]

Only date ugly guys.