My boyfriend reminds me too much of my ex? Did I subconciously pick him because of that? Or maybe that is just my type? Should I even be dating?

[Sonjita]

My new boyfriend is so much like my ex in terms of looks.

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago, I loved him so much and in that relationship we both messed up badly.

My ex met someone else and broke up with me and went with her to another city. At that moment I felt kind of relieved because I was exhausted. In the next few months he called me and texted me a few times, he wanted to come home, he said he was depressed, he was crying on camera and then she came in the room started yelling at him. After that she was calling me complaining that he was talking about me all the time and I told her not to worry about it and she said that I was actually cool and she kept texting me daily and I told her to talk to her boyfriend instead and I blocked both of them. I thought it was the best thing I could do for him.

I had no energy to date anyone new and I decided to just stay single and work on myself so not to hurt anyone again.

In the meantime my ex and his girlfriend had a baby daugther. I always dreamed of having a child with him so this felt weird but I just decided to be happy for him and I am happy and proud of him.

A few months later I met my current boyfriend and after we got together I started realizing how much he reminded me of my ex. Me and my ex never talked in almost 2 years but now I always think about him, I have dreams about him and talk about him in my sleep, I even called my boyfriend by his name.

When I text my boyfriend I sometimes imagine I am talking to my ex and I tell him things I wish I told my ex. I feel like I treat him way too nicely because of what I did to my ex like I need to repay him but he is not even that guy.

Updates

4 mo

I guess my mind is crazy. I also wonder if my ex is thinking about me. Like if I can't forget, can he? Or maybe I should look for someone who is the opposite of my ex?

I didn't think that much about him while I was single but now I can't stop. Obviously I would never talk to my ex.

I saw some of his new photos and he doesn't even look attractive to me anymore. I am only attracted to my memories.

[Lliam]

It's good that you learned more about yourself from your previous relationship and by working on yourself through introspection after the breakup. Relationships help us become more wise and mature so that we don't make the same mistakes.

Your new boyfriend might simply be the type you are attracted to. Am I wrong in assuming that he's the one who initially showed interest in you? And you said it wasn't until later that you noticed resemblances with your ex. So I think that is just a coincidence, even though the fact that you accepted his advances may have been partially, subconsciously due to that resemblance. But I don't think it matters.

The last girlfriend I was with before I met my wife was amazing. Petra was 30 and I was 36 when we met. She was my image of the feminine ideal physically and I loved everything else about her. We had so much fun together and the sex was way beyond compare.

We lived together for well over a year but, unfortunately, we could not have made it as life-long partners for reasons that are way to complicated to explain.

We wound up separating. I thought I was going to die. I've never experienced such pain. It took me over a year to pull myself together and move on with life. But, in the meantime, I, like you, did a lot of introspection and study. I looked hard at myself and strove to become the kind of man that the kind of woman I wanted would want as a husband.

I eventually met my future wife. She doesn't resemble Petra. We've been happily married now for over 26 years, have had a LOT of fun and built a wonderful life together. She's my perfect wife. I love her with all my heart, she loves me, and we are completely dedicated to each other.

But here's the thing. I still love Petra and will never forget her. She changed my life. I couldn't be more grateful for having met her and been loved by her.

She actually found me on Facebook 20 years after we separated and we even spoke a few times on the phone. I had no thought of getting back with her, but it was wonderful hearing her voice, knowing what she was up to, and knowing that she was happy and pursuing her dreams.

Five years later, I read that she died from a sudden medical problem at the age of 55. I was devastated. That was almost nine years ago.

I still think about her all the time. Strangely, that doesn't detract from how much I love my wife.

So the fact that you still think about your ex isn't odd. Although it's a little concerning that you have accidentally called your new boyfriend your exes name. Still, I don't think you should overthink this. Just work to be the best you can be and to make your new relationship a success.

[Sonjita]

It was mutual, I liked him at first sight, but I heard he had a girlfriend (which he did) and I just treated him like a friend until one day I just made my move lol 😂 and in the end he gave in and I was madly in love for a few months but now I don't care I pick up when he calls me but I never call him I never text him first... I think more and more about my ex and when I look at him I see my ex especially when we are making love 🤦🏼‍♀️ I don't think he would want to know this

[Lliam]

He definitely wouldn't want to know that. LOL
Oh, so you were infatuated at first, but now the infatuation has worn off? Is that because you keep thinking about your ex?

[girlalove]

@Lliam I noticed your profile on my feed. Would it be okay if I messaged you had a super quick question

[Lliam]

@girlalove. Sure. No prob.

[girlalove]

@Lliam Okay I followed you please follow me back. Thanks

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow that's seriously intense. No wonder you're confused - that's a lot to process.

Sounds like even though it's been 2 years, you never fully got over your ex. And now dating someone who looks just like him has re opened all those feelings. It's no surprise you're dreaming bout your ex and slipping up with names. That shit's ingrained deep.

Part of me wonders if you even gave yourself enough time to heal before dating again. Jumping right into something familiar probably wasn't the best move. Now your feelings are all tangled up.

My advice would be to take a step back from this new relationship. Really sit with your feelings for your ex and dig into why you still care so much. Once you get some closure there you'll be able to see this new guy for who he is, not as a replacement.

Tell him you need space to figure yourself out. It ain't fair to either of you long run to project your ex onto him. Get your head straight first before committing more time. You both deserve someone fully available emotionally.

Wish I had better advice man but healing takes time. Be honest with yourself above all. You'll get through this.

[Sonjita]

Yeah, the thing is it seemed like I moved on, and I was fine while I was single. Like almost 2 years later I started a new relationship and now I think about him more than before. The similarity is crazy like height, eyes, body, tattoos, hair, skin tone, voice, age... Of course there are differences too but similarities are insane.

And my ex changed physically he doesn't look like he used to but my new boyfriend looks like my ex used to while we were together. 😂 😵‍💫😵‍💫

[Sonjita]

In my mind my ex, the way he was with me is the most perfect men in the world when it comes to looks and I asked my new boyfriend to put on some weight. Like I wanna change him to be even more like my ex. I feel crazy for what I am saying omg

[Oliverlogan263]

Woah, that is crazy similar! I can see how it would mess with your head to start a new thing and have the guy look so much like your ex. Obviously you still have some feelings there if you're trying to mold this new dude into the old one even more.

Part of me wonders if maybe you weren't fully over your ex like you thought. Being single for a while can help distances yourself, but sometimes feelings hang around deeper down. Seeing someone who reminds you so much probably brought all that back up again.

I wouldn't necessarily say you need to end things with this new guy, since you do seem into him too. But you gotta be real with yourself - is he just a rebound to replace your ex? Or do you actually want to build something new and separate from the past?

Either way, you should definitely talk to someone. Like a therapist could help you sort your real feelings for ex from this new dude. That way you're not leading anyone on unintentionally. And it might give you clarity on whether to keep dating or stay single again for awhile. Tough spot, but communication is key here!

[Summeroflove]

This can start to be a problem. You don’t want this to lead into emotional cheating. I think you need to be open and honest about this with your boyfriend. Explain how you feel. The questions in your head. Is a conversation you need to have with him.

Sure he may be your type. Just remember they are two different people. The last thing you want to do is hold someone to the standard of another.

This is really something. You and your boyfriend need to sit down and speak about together.

[Saiesh30]

Maybe. Maybe not. Could be a sub-conscious and could be your type as well.
The sub conscious seems a more appropriate reason tho since u mentioned you think of your ex a lot more and even call your boyfriend by his name at times.

[NathanDavis]

I think this post makes it very clear that... you're still thinking a lot and about a lot of things your ex...

maybe you're just not over him, and keep overthinking and connecting many things to him, still...

[NathanDavis]

edit/update... yeah, time to let go

[lightbulb27]

probably. nor enough time gap to process the old emotions.

[Sonjita]

It's been 2 years 🥲

[lightbulb27]

some people don't process for decades. you have to do work, suffer the loss, learn lessons. sadly, there is no training out there for these disasters, so you will have to do your research and do work.

[Sonjita]

We also broke up around this time so maybe that's why memories are coming stronger

[ThrillSeeker01]

As long as you get along, that's the most important thing.

[Tharithi]

Tell him things like what

[Sonjita]

Things like I will be there, I will show you how much I love you, etc. When I write this I actually think about my ex and wish I did that with him

[KrakenAttackin]

You are a mess.

[Sonjita]

😂😂😂😂