I had an affair and I can’t tell my husband, how can I redeem myself?

Question

For the last two years I was having an affair with someone who was also I a relationship. Both of us have families, both of us married. We used to hook up but stopped for a long time and started up again in 2022. I feel awful that this happened but I can’t tell my husband as I’d never want to loose my family. How can I redeem myself in another way? Is it possible to move forward and save my marriage?

Flatmanlewis · Accepted Answer

Well, first Im not going to beat you up and insult you. Others ca. do that for you. How I see it is this: redemption comes from forgiveness and only he can grant you that.

I think, perhaps, you are a selfish person. The affair is pretty significant evidence of that, but even your post. You not only risked your own family’s marriage & security but another one as well. It’s about what YOU feel, what YOU did, and what YOU fear. You need to shift your optic on this and rather than finding a way to alleviate your well deserved guilt (and do so in away that takes no real accountability for your actions) shift your goal to this - How do I make this right?

How do you make this right? You own it. You take absolute and complete ownership of it. You cut the other person out of your life and existence. You be ready for some serious anger and rage. You openly admit the horrifically selfish nature of what you’ve done. You accept the accountability of your act (s) without shifting blame or trying to offload the decision to somebody else. Do EXACTLY what you would want for the spouse of your child to do if they did to your child what you’ve done to your husband.

That’s the only way foreword. Also, accept that you have an incomprehensibly selfish nature and you probably need some healthy influence to strengthen and refocus your moral compass. Sadly, there is no way to come through this without some measure of pain, anger, and hurt. All you can do now it try and make it so the best possible outcome is what happens. The time for making choices has past. It’s about mitigating consequences at this point.

OlderAndWiser · Accepted Answer

You feel "horrible" about it but feeling "horrible" didn't stop from doing it - not once or twice - but for two years. You had many opportunities to reflect n what you were doing and to stop it, but you didn't. You made a solemn promise to your husband and you broke your promise. Why should he ever trust you again?

And you have children. You KNOW what happens when married people have affairs; they usually get divorced. So you did all of this with knowledge and awareness of the likely consequences, and you did it anyway.

It sounds like you want people to think of you as a good wife and a good mother but, obviously, you are neither. There are things that can't be undone, which have permanent and devastating consequences. This is one of those things.

Now, you are looking for some way for YOU to feel better about what you have done. You didn't mention anything about the harm you have done to your husband and family.

You should tell your husband, pack your bags, cooperate with the divorce, and maybe consider beginning psychotherapy. If you need to run out and find another guy for sex, do it, but don't consider getting remarried or having more children.

IslaTheWitch · Accepted Answer

There is no good advice.

A lot depends on you and what kind of person you are. Another variable is your husband and what kind of person he is.

If you have kids, they are another variable in the equation.

If you tell your husband, you will hurt him as hell. I'm not sure if this man deserves it. It can mean the end of your marriage, and if you have kids, they will suffer AF.

If you knew you would never do it again, I would suggest not to say your husband. At least not yet. Do an STD test, and if you caught something, you have to tell him anyway.

If you are clean, take it as a new chance for your family and be a good partner. If you miss something in your marriage, try to talk to your husband and change things. You can't do anything to erase what happened, but you can make a better future for your family

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

It starts with cutting the other person completely out of your life. Don’t give me any of that “But they’re my friend and I love them” crap. Total annihilation of the relationship.
The next step is being honest, taking full responsibility for your actions, and sincerely apologizing to your husband. Be willing to answer any questions he may have and start being transparent about everything moving forward. Be ready to accept any and all consequences.

All these steps have one thing in common: they’re part of what it’s like to be an adult. These are values we instill in our children, which means we need to be sure we have them ourselves. You need to develop accountability— something that you and this other man lacked which led to your affair.

Avicenna · Answer

There is no other way to "redeem" yourself. Your husband can't forgive you (assuming he will) unless he knows about it. If he finds out somewhere other than from you, it won't be better, that's for sure.

billmunch · Answer

Personally, I've been in this position before and it's something I was easily able to forgive so long as there's no pregnancy. However, I'm not like most guys in that being cheated on just isn't a deal breaker. TBH, I do get a bit jealous but I also get turned on at the thought of my partner having sex with other guys. I understand that two people can be in a perfectly loving relationship together and have a great love life together but still want to have their own personal sex life, and that's natural so I'm okay with it, so long as I'm not completely ignored.

The only part I don't like is lying and sneaking around because that's the betrayal of trust whereas wanting sex with other people. Also, I wouldn't want my partner to think she has to leave me and end our relationship just because she has a side guy.

For me, the hardest thing is making my partner understand that it's okay to be in a committed relationship with me and that's it's okay to see other guys without having to worry about getting caught. And that it's fine for a woman to explore her sex life without worry of repercussions or stigmas.

Furthermore, I think men should encourage their partners to explore and enjoy their sex lives without having to hide it or be ashamed. Men should also help accommodate their partners' sex lives as much as possible. Men have always been free to explore their sex lives and keep mistresses, so women should have the same privilege.

In closing, if I was your husband, I would be most upset that you felt you needed to hide your affair from instead of just being honest, but I get it though. Most men are insecure and would throw a tantrum and end the relationship. However, in my case, I would be totally supportive of you and would encourage to you continue dating him.

Anyway, if you think your husband couldn't handle it, don't tell him. However, if he's anything like me (and few are), then go ahead and tell him. If you were my wife, it would make me even more attracted to you and would love to hear all the sexy details. Plus, I would feel more comfortable about you having a steady boyfriend instead of picking up random men from bars.

So, try not to beat yourself up because you're really not doing anything wrong. It's okay to be in a committed, loving relationship and still want to date other guys every once in a while. I hope your hubby understands and encourages you. I think being upfront and honest makes a relationship stronger and that it's okay for a woman to be in a loving marriage with a man and still desire other men. And that it's okay and normal to act on these desires without having to worry about ruining a marriage.

Your hubby and boyfriend are both lucky to have you. Hopefully your hubby will be understanding and respect the fact that your happy and that there's really nothing wrong if you have a boyfriend on the side and that it's okay for you to enjoy sex with other guys and still want to remain happily married and not be considered a whore.

Miristheiss · Answer

How you feel is irrelevant. "Feeling bad" about it doesn't mean a damn thing. No, there really isn't anything you can do. What is done is done. I just hope he finds out so he can make an informed decision about wanting you in his life or not. You probably gave him Herpes. Right now, he is living a lie. He believes he is with a faithful devoted person who wouldn't betray him and wants him sexually above other men. Since that woman he thinks he is with is really a fantasy because he is with a liar, who will betray him in the most intimate way, you wants to be with other men more than she wants to be a loyal mate. He should kind of know the truth so he won't waste his life with an evil person and get the chance to get out if that is what he wants.

But you are selfish, hence you want to fuck other men but keep the husband around to help with the bills, give you the title of wife/mother, the prestige and social acceptance of being a married woman. Telling him the truth could get in the way of what you want.

He might leave you. Well, you can't have that. That would be inconvenient for you. No, we can't have that. It works out better if you keep lying and tricking this guy into staying with a harlot when he believes she is a faithful, devoted mate who he can trust. He doesn't know he is sleeping with the devil and you always have the DNA of some other man in you when he is intimate.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

😂😂😂😂😂. Nah, just go he a hoe. Your husband and family are totally disposable.

No matter what evil shit you have done the courts will side with you. You will get half+, the house, the kids, alimony, child support, tons of sympathy on social media.

Make sure to claim your husband is "abusive", which is what drove another man's cock into you. Also say your husband is a "danger to the children", so you can get a restraining order. This way you can have your fuck buddy come to your house without fear of husband showing up. If hubby does show up while the fuck buddy is balls deep, have the police arrest hubby. This only strengthens your case with the court and will cause your hubby to be even more legally restricted.

Of course increasing your husbands chance of suicide by by 1,100% (an actual correct number) shouldn't bother you at all. You have to replaced your hubby and who gives a fuck what your kids think about losing their Dad.

YOLO!

PeachyPie93 · Answer

Well there is no way you can redeem yourself, first you cheated multiple times so I doubt he could ever trust you again. Second you hid it from him for years.
If you seriously don't want to lose your family
Stop doing it
Lose all connection to the other guy
Keep it to yourself
And stop wanting to make yourself feel better/you should feel like shit because you did the cheating.
If you are wanting to dump this horrible news on your husband in hopes he will forgive you and make YOU feel better, don't because it won't make anything better. You will just break your husbands heart and he probably won't stay with you.

Anonymous · Answer

That's easy. You can't!

How do you unfire a bullet that murdered someone?

I'm taking your confession at face value that you truly do regret what you've done. But you're still unwilling to tell him. And I'm not going to tell you that you need to but put yourself in his shoes, and reverse the situation. Say he cheated and didn't want to tell you for fear of putting the relationship in jeopardy. How do you feel about that.

Because not only did you commit and unforgivable act in many people's minds ( me being one) but you're doubling down by selfishly covering it up so you don't lose him. So you'll be lying to him every day. That's not a healthy relationship when you lie to someone daily.

XXTruthfulOgrexx · Answer

You can't. Your marriage is already done and dead. It died the moment you cheated. Then you did it again and for 2 years?

These infidelities always come to light eventually, when he finds out, whether it's 1 year or 10 years he will walk away in disgust. It will be a fresh wound to him.

Your only hope is to come clean and hope he thinks enough of you to seek out counseling.

Vesuvius87 · Answer

If he already cheated and now you cheated, both of you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Since you caught a couple times and I'm assuming he worked hard to regain your trust then it's fair for him to know about your affair. I find it hypocritical that he can cheat but won't forgive if you do.

If he had never cheated then my opinion would've been different.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

Not without honesty. You may lose your family, sure. That didn't bother you when you were taking some strange though. You almost assuredly WILL lose your family if he finds out another way, and you'd be surprised how easily that tends to happen over tim.

JacobJordan · Answer

Relationship over. Tell him, divorce him and stop ruining his life. You don't feel awful because you did it. You didn't care when you were getting railed by another man while married. If you genuinely care then accept the consequences of your actions and let him move on without you.

Yannae · Answer

... You can only redeem yourself by telling your husband and never be unfaithful to anyone ever again.
There is no sneaky way out of it, if you ACTUALLY WANT TO SEEK REDEMPTION. If you really mean it that you want to redeem yourself, you own up to it and tell him.

HighSky · Answer

You cannot, you must tell him and you must not collect any alimony, you do not deserve a cent nor do you have a right to it anyway.

Your husband should never forgive you, you do not deserve forgiveness

You're a piece of shit, you strung your husband along for two whole fucking years what in the fuck is wrong with you? Your husband is not your personal dildo and bank account.

You are obligated to tell him, you're an asshole.

Pohjolan · Answer

If you really cared you wouldn't have done it in the first place.

Now you have placed yourself in a catch 22. If you don't tell him you will be a lying and deceiving him, if you do tell then there's a good chance you will break up, if he won't break up with you then you are going to lose respect for him for being a cuck.

GJ.

shanshu · Answer

You did feel horrible when having the affair, you arnt worried about losing your husband, you are worried about breaking up your family. You can't redeem yourself, you just have to live with it.

most likely your husband already knows you were cheating because prob could feel the sexual distance between you two even if you were still having sex while having the affair.

Men arnt stupid as you might think they are

Fireguy17 · Answer

You can't.
Even if he never finds out you get to live with yourself and what you did for the rest of your life, plus worring about if he ever finds out.
I sure hope the sex was worth all of what you are going through now.

exitseven · Answer

Don;t do the crime if you can't do the time.

HawkPerception · Answer

2 years? You're irredeemable. What an atrocious person you are. I genuinely feel disgust for you and extremely sorry for your husband.

sheikalana · Answer

You made your bed now lay in it. You either tell your husband and risk loosing everything or you keep it to yourself and forget about it and stop doing what you've been doing.

bobalife · Answer

Be honest and be a better person. He deserves it. Your family deserves it.

boggboss · Answer

How can u redeem somthing u are not willing to admit happened

DextroShade · Answer

The only thing I can recommend is that you cease the affair immediately and ghost the other guy. Stop being a hoe!

RedInnocent68 · Answer

There is. But you’re right. Don’t tell. At this point, it’s probably only for your benefit.

In_Trance · Answer

How would your husband redeem himself if the roles were reversed?

Anonymous · Answer

You can start by not having an affair. Redemption maybe possible but you can jokingly ask him if he could see you with another guy.

Anonymous · Answer

You can't redeam yourself. All you can do is confess and let the cards fall where they fall.

deneme2222 · Answer

Hate to break it to you, but he probably already knows

Jmmmfi4 · Answer

I HOPE HE SETS YOUR SHIT OUT TO THE CURB

Roudyrebel8 · Answer

Being honest and upfront is a good start

Sabretooth · Answer

If you don't tell him, you can't.

Danny_dan92 · Answer

Jump off a cliff

I had an affair and I can’t tell my husband, how can I redeem myself?

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How can I redeem myself after getting involved with and exposing married man? I hate myself now?

I had an affair and I can’t tell my husband, how can I redeem myself?

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How can I redeem myself after getting involved with and exposing married man? I hate myself now?

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