I acted immaturely and made my boyfriend feel disrespected and now im scared and I dont know what to do?

[confusedtea]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 weeks; we have known each other for a month. We felt an instant connection and he was the one who persued me. Honestly my previous relationship (my first one) was not good and I was cheated on so in comparison to that this relationship has been relatively healthy. He has been very understanding of my anxiety and adhd and has been trying to help me and work through my concerns or issues if i communicate them.

Now the actual issue:

He slept over last night and came to drop me off for my work training on campus today. While we were getting ready i addressed my anxiety concerns over our relationship to which he acknowledged it. Once we reached campus and we placed the order for breakfast I didn't exactly want to pay today (usually we cover each other) and instead of telling him, I walked off to my coworkers and manager. I honestly shouldn't have done that and asked him instead if he could pay. After i grabbed the coffee, I had to go into my shift within 2 so i said my byes and went off to my shift. I noticed his location went off, and he wasn't opening my messages so I called him after 2hours to check in and he switched to facetime and said he went to the gym (he was there) and his phone was on airplane mode which is why the location and dipped and when i asked, he said he was not angry over my anxiety and he would help me instead. an hour later he texted that he felt disrespected over the money situation during breakfast because he thought i left without letting him know tho i told him. He wanted me to make it aware who was paying and said he is trying to be respectful and that he really likes me but he won't be a good partner if he doesn't share these things with me.

I apologized to him and he said he will call me in the evening. While i dont think he would breakup with me I am really anxious and worried now. I dont know how to fix the situation either

[Oliverlogan263]

Ah sis, don't freak yourself out too much over this. It's totally understandable that your past relationship has made you more anxious in new ones. And we all mess up sometimes - sounds like your man understands that too.

A few things you could try:

- When you talk tonight, really apologize for making him feel disrespected. Explain it came from your own issues, not him.

- Reassure him how much you care too and want to do better communicating important stuff.

- Ask him how you can rebuild that trust and respect going forward. Be open to feedback.

- Thank him too for being so caring and trying to ease your worries instead of getting mad. He seems like a real gem.

- Suggest a fresh start - maybe plan a fun date where you can truly enjoy relaxing together again.

He likes you a lot sis, that's clear. One little bump won't ruin things as long as you both keep the lines open. Try not to stress - just focus on listening to each other tonight. You've got this girl! Let me know how it goes.

[confusedtea]

Hey man! I read ur comment way after we had the call! Everything was A okay! He wasn’t mad at me, he was just surprised over what happened. He also opened up about his insecurities and where he was struggling to trust me and open up fully due to his past and he’s scared of me judging him. I’ve reassured him and honestly girls haven’t treated him right earlier. I told him I’m here when he feels like talking and tho it’ll take time for him to trust me, I’m right here. Ur comment made me so much happier! Thanks

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw you’re welcome and that's great to hear, I'm really happy it all worked out between you guys! Communication is so important, it's good that you both opened up and were honest about what was going on. Props to you for being understanding of his trust issues too - I know firsthand how hard it can be to open up after stuff goes down in past relationships. But it shows he really likes you if he was willing to be vulnerable. You seem like a really caring girlfriend. Just keep being there for him, listening without judgment, and those insecurities will fade over time as he learns to trust you. He's a lucky guy to have found someone as patient and supportive. You handled it all perfectly by talking it through - relationships are all about working through tough stuff together. Wishing you both all the best!

[jahaims]

You don't sound like you should even be in a relationship

[confusedtea]

why lol

[HelpfulWoman]

you're 19.
first off 99% of your relationships now won't last.
second, the whole "location" stalking is WEIRRRD.
third, he's right. You should always make sure its clear who's paying etc.

i don't think its particuarly break up worthy, but his feelings are valid if he does.

[confusedtea]

Hi, honestly, no idea if it will really last or nah but I think its worth a try because both of our values in terms of relationships match. we both believe in making it work; its me and him vs the problem type shi (his words). as far as location is concerned, he was the one who wanted to start sharing it first. I am deffo the type to look at it but not call em out for where they are/

[Anonymous]

You jumped into this relationship way too soon, there wasn’t enough time to learn about who this man even is. Sounds like now that the honeymooning died down he actually isn’t a good match and maybe you should be more honest with yourself about that.

[confusedtea]

I know. Im just giving it time cause we're trying to know each other. We're very careful with love yous and everything. Even I felt I went In too soon and he said he would be willing to take a step back but I wanted to keep it going. He has been the one being pursuing me. He even brought me flowers and a gift and went down on one knee to ask me officially 2-3 days after I said yes. He also made efforts to come over and stay up with me while I studied for exams even though he barely slept and lives 1.5hrs away by transit. I have been also looking at it from a different lens but letting it flow for now.

[Opinion Owner]

I promise I’m not saying this to make you feel any type of way, but honey everything you listed is just bare minimum of what a boyfriend should be doing. I’m telling you this because when you treat effort from men like rarities, that’s how you make yourself blind to the bigger issues. You’ll find yourself trying to work through absolute bullshit because you’ll be so convinced that you’ll never find these qualities in another man ever again. Well, that is a scarcity mindset and you should create one of abundance. He’s not the only man who will give you romantic gestures or stay up late with you. He’s not the only man who will pursue and make effort to see you. The issue with this is that it’s happening so fast, and getting to know each other should’ve happened before putting a title on things let alone saying I love you.

[confusedtea]

Yeah, i get what you are saying. I am so used to being around crap men that I have this mindset at this moment. I still wanna give it a chance. lowkey not sure how to slow it down in a way. We have been tryna meet each other as much as possible otherwise but yeah our communication is slightly lacking.

[Opinion Owner]

That’s actually something I was thinking about. Do you feel like mentally you’re ready to be a girlfriend and I’m a relationship? Don’t get me wrong, your romantic life shouldn’t just stop because of past trauma, but the thing is did you ever really heal it? So much of the anxiety you experience when it comes to new men isn’t always because of something they’ve done but instead fear of them doing what someone else did. That isn’t something that goes away overnight, and until you address it, you will always make new men pay for what your ex (or other men) did, and that isn’t fair.
Anyway now that you’re in the relationship I doubt you’ll want to leave, so please do the simultaneous effort to work on yourself. Maybe that’s therapy, maybe it’s journaling, whatever helps you heal the traumas so they don’t affect your relationship. Try not to stress about what happened with the money, you’re making a big deal of it in your mind when you shouldn’t. Don’t be afraid to lose him, what’s yours can be taken or lost.

[confusedtea]

I think I am ready for it. Honestly I otherwise was involved in casual stuff and spiralled out as well. I have healed a good extent from what my ex did but I am still learning to trust people despite whatever happened. My boyfriend knows what I went through (not in detail) and tries to communicate better with me despite him having his own personality of being mysterious cause he doesn't like being in the spot light. I am trying to slowly work on myself and he as well (some what claims to), try to help me become a better person otherwise (we go to the gym together and stuff). Thank you!

[Opinion Owner]

That’s good to hear! If you feel ready mentally and emotionally then that’s great, I’d say just to pump the brakes a bit. This means seeing each other a bit less, do more things in group settings, not too much planning for the future, etc. Spend more time getting to know one another so you can truly decide if this is the right person and if not you can act accordingly rather than feeling too invested to leave.

[confusedtea]

Yep! Thanks <3
Also it wasn’t a big issue, we had a convo and it was all okay. He also finally opened up about what he was feeling insecure about and stuff so there is an understanding we’re reaching

[boobliker]

only 3 weeks if he doesn't like it lose him and find another one pdq

[confusedtea]

Yeah, no i totally get that. Im just giving it time cause we're trying to know each other. We're very careful with love yous and everything. He has been the one being pursuing me. He even brought me flowers and a gift and went down on one knee to ask me officially 2-3 days after I said yes. He also made efforts to come over and stay up with me while I studied for exams even though he barely slept and lives 1.5hrs away by transit. I have been also looking at it from a different lens but letting it flow for now.