Boyfriend got mad because I “overreacted”?

[Anonymous]

So I was scrolling through Instagram and saw that my boyfriend still has pics of his ex up on his account. I admit I was shocked, he deactivated his IG a while back (before we got together officially) but reactivated it just recently. I was taken aback bcs I didn’t expect him to still have those pics and to get back on IG. I got super quiet bcs I needed to sort out my head, I don’t wanna get emotional and confront him so I took my time and space. Then, 10 mins later, I calmly asked him “oh btw… are you planning on deleting those pics?” He said, “I’ll get to it, no need to tell me what to do.” So then I dropped it and we started chatting about other things, all chill vibes. No drama no nothing. Or so I thought…

Then a couple of hours later he texted me and flipped out on me for overreacting, started blaming me for being rude and quiet and for being suspicious of him? I didn’t accuse him of anything, plus even when I had to take my space and quiet down, I was still joking around with him and his friend. I didn’t bring up the photos up until his friend left but he said I was being disrespectful and immature? What? 😂 Also when he texted me, I never got mad at him. I simply explained to him that I was shocked that’s why I got quiet, waited for me to calm down, then I asked him calmly and gently if he were planning to delete the pics. But he went on a rampage saying I need to stop bringing this up when he was the one that brought it up in the first place… I thought we already talked about it in person and that was that…

Sorry for the super long post… I just feel like I’m going crazy for being blamed for having human emotions… he gets mad at me all the time if I appear sad or down…

[BoopBoopBeep]

So there's three sides to every story -- your side, their side, and the truth. Let's see how close we can come to the latter. Here's the thing, when women are so convinced that they're still "all chill vibes"..9 out of 10 times we can tell something is up because you're actually not all that good at hiding things like that. Super kudos to you for not making a scene while his friend was there. That speaks highly of you.

I've never deleted a text message or an email in my life. My phone has 8 years of history on it. It'll stay that way, because if I ever need to prove something/figure something out/show just cause for something, that's a record that persists. Plus all my contacts are there so if someone calls me I know if it's somebody popping up from the past or a random number, the latter of which I wouldn't answer anyway.

Here's where I'm confused. If he deactivated his account, of course it still has the stuff on there from before he deactivated it. Why was that something that you were taken aback by? If I pull out one of your hold computers from the attic there's obviously going to be whatever on there. Now, you said a couple hours passed. During this time it sounds like he was an emotional child, but that seems self-evident so moving right along. You waited on him to calm down then asked him if he was planning to delete them. You already asked that. He answered. Did you expect the answer to be different now? If so, why's that? If not, then that's just naggish behavior on your part. If I'm asked to mow the lawn and I say yes, that doesn't mean I'm going to drop everything I'm doing and mow that lawn that very instant. I may not mow it this week. Ask me every hour and I'll let that MF grow so thick we have to machete our way to the mailbox. Now if this was a week later maybe. A month from now they are still up, that'd be super valid... couple hours, not so much.

Have you scrubbed your personal life of all relics of boyfriends past?

[Asker]

I’m the same way as you. I never deleted anything. Up until my boyfriend saw those things and he got mad at me, asked me to delete everything and he even went through my phone and my Instagram to check. That’s why I was taken aback when I saw that he still had his pics. He said he was never gonna use that IG account anymore ever again (he already made a new one) so it shocked me when I saw his account popped up on my feed.

I admit I was taken aback, but his friend was there so I still laughed and joked around with them (but not making eye contact with my boyfriend). I only asked him if he was gonna also delete the pics once (after his friend left). Then we talked it out, I hugged and kissed him bcs he was pissed that I would even dare make the request for him to delete the pics so I apologized and we chatted like normal.

I then went home. We didn’t talk. He then texted me hours later telling me he’s deleted the pics. I said thank you, and I asked about if he were gonna delete his story as well (bcs last time he asked me to delete all my archives and stories that had my ex in it so I expected the same from him). Then he got mad at me all over again, telling me that I’m being dramatic…

And yes I hve deleted everything, pics, texts, emails, everything. I even had to screen record my phone bcs my boyfriend asked me for proof that I’ve deleted everything. I just can’t deal with the double standards anymore…

[BoopBoopBeep]

I would say for the next relationship, don't delete anything again. If the new guy asks why then he's a child too. Also valuable because if this ex does anything stupid then you can at least have a timestamped history of stuff. I speak of this relationship in past tense because as bad as it may feel at the time, a breakup would be the kindest outcome. Double standards are egregious and very rarely do I see them cease intrinsically.

"I even had to screen record my phone [because] my boyfriend asked me for proof that i deleted everything." Yeah... yeah that's an automatic no-go there, too. I'm not sending you screen records. If you are that hung up on it or don't trust me that much go find someone else. He sounds incredibly exhausting.

[Asker]

I tried talking to him about the double standard but he just flipped it on me, it’s as if he’s never in the wrong… I am honestly exhausted and losing feelings. I’ve went to therapy bcs he kept saying that I have issues but he doesn’t realize that he also has issues. I’ve learned to manage my emotions, heck I’m not allowed to look sad in front of him (he would get pissed at me thinking that I’m mad at him). I had to act like a robot and be all “I’m sad bcs of xyz, sorry if I’m not as upbeat as usual” every single time that I am down, not even allowed to be quiet to process my thoughts lol

I can’t get through to him, he always has to be in the right. He kept saying that I’m immature bcs I’m younger than him and that I need to learn from him but then again… he’s also immature. Usually tho after he calms down like a week later, he’ll realize that he overreacted. That’s why I’ve stayed with him all these time, but this is pretty much a monthly occurrence. At least once a month he will get mad at every little thing that I do lol. I also realize that he likes to bluff and go like “I don’t think this is gonna work out, we need a break” but today after he said that I told him “ok. I’ll give you space” and he flipped to now saying that I’m pushing him away, I can never win lol

When we do break up, I know he’a gonna put all the blame on me. Any tips on what I can do to prepare myself for that?

[BoopBoopBeep]

Of course you have issues. I have issues. He has issues. You're never going to find someone without issues, the key is to find someone who's issues play well with yours. His do not.

"Usually tho after he calms down like a week later, he’ll realize that he overreacted." Ugh that's exhausting. And it happens once a month? So quite literally 25% of your life is spent in that? No. I'm sorry but emphatic no. That's no life to live.

He likely will put all the blame on you. So what? You're breaking up. He doesn't have a vote in anything after that. All my exes can think I walk on water or that I eat babies, it changes nothing in my day to day. Just get all your shite in order and do it fast and decisively. No break up has ever been made easier or better by dragging it out. When he starts trying to negotiate a way forward just stick to your guns. This shite is as toxic as licking a hobo's drawers it's just gotta stop. The time for negotiation was when you were picking out curtains. This isn't something to negotiate on. If it degrades all the way down to promises to change and make it better, that ship sailed already. That's as dumb as all those women that put on a hundred pounds, their partner isn't attracted to them, but after they break up they hit the gym to get their "revenge body." There's no revenge. We don't care. If you'd done that sooner you wouldn't be single.

Realize JUST how shite this situation is and there won't be any "how do i prepare myself" angle to it it'll just be "do I celebrate with champagne or a nice dinner first?"

[Asker]

Thank you I needed to hear this even tho it’s a bitter pill to swallow but I appreciate it.

I really just gotta bite the bullet, I have emotionally checked out. I’m a bit scared that he’ll start yelling at me but I’ll do it in a public setting. Thanks for the advice!

[BoopBoopBeep]

Well and if he does? So what? Walk away. It's no longer a conversation, you're just informing him of how it's going to be going forward. That's why I said have all your shite together beforehand. He can throw a hissy fit all day long your stuff will already be packed up and moved out (or his will, whoever has the lease/house/mortgage/whatever)

[Anonymous]

So he gaslighted you gaslit you didn't respect how you were feeling when you were trying to validate your feelings

[Asker]

Pretty much 😅 This happens a lot tho, at least once a month it’s as if he’s PMSing… I don't know what he wants from me, I’m not allowed to look sad/upset, I wasn’t even mad at him

[Opinion Owner]

So give him a box of midol and some tampax

[Asker]

😂😂😂

[HelpfulWoman]

I mean, that was wholly unnecessary of him if that was his reaction.
THAT SAID, why SHOULD he delete photos that were part of his life? You don't need to delete things like that just because that period of life or relationship is over. It's like demanding all the teenager pictures get deleted because you turned to an adult age

[Asker]

Because he got mad at me for not deleting the photos of my ex so I expected the same from him. I had no problem with the pics beforehand but since he flipped out on me for not deleting my pics, I thought he should be held up to the same standards…

[HelpfulWoman]

Yeah, sounds a bit like the dude himself is a douchebag frankly. The hypocrisy of his actions should tell you its time to dip from that relationship

[Asker]

Yeah exactly… he’s just been really depressed lately and I think it’s taking a toll on him. I want to support him but I don’t think I can do that as a girlfriend anymore /:

[MJtheCoach]

Here we go again girls and social media!

[Asker]

Yeah I don't know why he would get mad at me when he was the one that went through my phone first to make sure I deleted all traces of my ex lol

[MJtheCoach]

I can see how you're an unlikable girl.. there is no difference between your mouth and your a22!

[Asker]

Thanks, that’s also what my boyfriend says ;)

[MJtheCoach]

The difference is, he has no choice but to put up with you… guys which option are goanna walk away from you within a second.. you’re gonna grow up to be lonely eventually he’s gonna break up with you. Your sissy boyF is goanna breakup with you. I wouldn’t tolerate you. I would get a hotter more youthful girl than you. But it is really not your fault. You never had a male masculine guidance in your life, so all you do is yell at men all the time… and be annoying. And think it’s cute

[Asker]

He does have a choice, he can walk away anytime he wants and get with any other girl he wants. He’s just a committed and mature man, despite his immature antics from time to time but hey he’s just a human being. I’m not perfect myself but despite our petty issues, we’re a pretty good match overall so we’re still vibing.

Everything’s all good tho, he apologized for being an ass and I apologized for also being an ass. Life goes on 😌

[MJtheCoach]

Yeah you just proved my point.. he doesn’t have options. Those options are girls that look like 500LBS that look minus -2.. he sounds like a true p###sy! get off your high horse!

[Asker]

Nah bro he does have options, we’re both fitness influencers and he can pick up any chick he likes. We both are loyal tho so I’m not worried about that

[MJtheCoach]

Oh, you keep proving my point more right and you lose it that puts the influence of one of the title I could tell they’re dysfunctional beings.. your behavior has already shown that you are dysfunctional, miserable, annoying or likable. I guess this is something you wanted to still world.. are you Thomas boyish language keeps proving my point even more right..

[Asker]

Thank you, appreciate you taking the time to share your opinion