My boyfriend gets angry when I accuse him of using me for sex because he goes a cold. Is this a sign of guilt?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend pulls away and inly answers my messages but never reaches out or calls after we have sex.

I accuse him of using me and why I feel that way and he gets mad and says it's not true.

I think he gets mad because I am calling him out on the truth and he doesn't like it.

Is it guilt or am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Okay so if you feel like you’re being used then why are you with him? Sure you can twiddle your thumbs, blame it on love or whatever but at the end of the day you choose to be in this situation. I bet he’s only acting that way because you keep accusing him and I think anyone would get sick of having to defend themselves all the time. You are dissatisfied with what happens after the deed and he doesn’t see an issue with it, so you either fight after sex until you get sick of the merry-go-round and break up or just end it now because you know he isn’t going to change for you.

[Asker]

You sre being unnecessarily harsh. I didn't just hook up with him. There is a whole history and I wouldn't have slept with him if we didn't get to a certain level of communication and respect.

[Opinion Owner]

Honey you are being unnecessarily sensitive, because while yes I am blunt nothing I’m telling you is mean. Sometimes that can hurt feelings but it’s better than lying. I understand having a history with a guy and I’m not talking about just having sex, I talking about your active decision every day to be with a man which you know will hurt your feelings after sex. Unless you plan on never hooking up with him again you’d either have to grin and bear it or be done. He has no desire to change his behavior because he doesn’t see a problem with it, so that puts the ball in your court to stay or go, not push him to change when he won’t.

[Asker]

No, I am not being sensitive. You haven't offended me. I was just letting you know your tone is harsh. He has changed plenty of thingsalready actually.

[Opinion Owner]

If he changed so many things then you wouldn’t be feeling insecure after sex. I mean sure we could go with the other commenter and say he’s tired but this is happening after he goes home so that doesn’t make sense.

[Opinion Owner]

And if you don’t think you’re being sensitive then you’re certainly being very defensive, and for what? This is just my opinion of your situation, I don’t know you personally so you could at least process some of what I’m trying to tell you rather than keep making excuses.

[Asker]

I didn't criticize a single thing you said. You started out blaming me saying I put myself in this situation. I just found that harsh. I think you are the one the defensive tone frankly. You again assume I am not taking in your advice. I never said I rejected anything of what you said. I just added that there were things that changes.

[Opinion Owner]

I said it feels defensive because rather than having a response that’s open to conversation, you countered what I said with how there’s a whole history, you wouldn’t have just slept with him, etc., which is defending the situation. Then in your next response instead of addressing any other aspect of what I said, you say you’re not being sensitive, telling me my tone is harsh, how he has changed plenty, etc. You may not see the pattern but from an outside perspective you’ve just been defensive. I’m not saying you’re wrong for that, but it would be better if you at least asked what I meant by this or that or why I see things that why. I’m genuinely trying to offer you an outside view so please don’t get hung up on my tone, it’s not meant to be offensive.

[Asker]

I’m genuinely trying to offer you an outside view.

And I was giving details which you are taking as defensiveness instead of trying to give more information since the post doesn't have much background info.

But anyway. Thanks.

[Opinion Owner]

I would’ve considered it as giving me more background if you at least asked or addressed any other aspects of what I said other than the things you wanted to “clarify”. Good luck with your situation though.

[Asker]

Ok. Thanks. Clarifying is bad.

[Opinion Owner]

Notice the quotations on clarify, it was to relay sarcasm. Obviously clarifying is bad but that’s not quite what you were doing and that’s what I’ve tried explaining.

[Opinion Owner]

**is not bad

[Asker]

That is your opinion because your response was charged with assumptions due to your lack of information.

[Opinion Owner]

…. Huh?

[Asker]

Lol. Take care and again thank you. I will reflect on what you said.

[Opinion Owner]

At least there’s that.

[hahahmm]

men & women think very differently. A man could truly take you seriously but not want to waste time on a bunch of messages/phone calls. You might as well complain that he doesn't want to go to the nail & hair salon with you.

Now does he only want you for sex? That's possible but you can't base that off of phone and messages. A guy could be messaging you 100 times a day and only want you for sex.

As a traditional type guy my advice is: if you want to know for a sure a guy takes you seriously you put in the work/effort to get a guy to see you as wife material. And you bother to only give time to guys who are husband material. That type of guy is not going to give you a ring unless he wants more than sex... guaranteed. The downside is that it's harder than ever to get a ring because so many women today aren't worth it.

[Asker]

I don't need to explain myself but I am beyond wife material. Most people aren't worth comittment.

I am not asking him for a ring because I wouldn't marry him, frankly.

[Asker]

I was married before and left because I served that man for a long time and he took me for granted.

[hahahmm]

For a guy... it's very insulting if the woman he is supporting (emotionally, physically protecting and so on) acts like he "only" wants sex. If your relationship is in any way traditional then the guy is providing you with a lot of things that ONLY benefit you. And the only thing he can get in return is stuff like loyalty/commitment. He knows he can get sex from any of 4 billion women. He can get free sex from tons of women. He can buy sex from tons of women. Acting like he only wants you for sex --- if he does not -- is deeply insulting and also dismissive of whatever else he is doing for you that he's not doing for all the other women in your town.

But again.. the best way to be sure is what I already wrote.

[hahahmm]

or to put it another way, he could be asking himself if you're using him! And the more you act like he's using you the more he will wonder if you are projecting your own POV onto him.

[hahahmm]

Lastly, if ALL you give him is sex.. then yes, he is only "using" you for sex BUT you have also presented yourself as someone who is only good for sex.

[Asker]

"BUT you have also presented yourself as someone who is only good for sex."

How so?

I gave no details of the relationship for you to come to that conclusion.

FYI - I helped him to get over the shame of having a nervous breakdown. He was afraid to tell me.

I helped him to stop stonewalling and actually express himself with words instead of shutting down.

No no no. That is wrong.

He is the one who wanted an exclusive, committed relationship with me. He just doesn't have a clue how to be in one.

"Acting like he only wants you for sex --- if he does not -- is deeply insulting and also dismissive of whatever else he is doing for you that he's not doing for all the other women in your town."

This is how he is going on. But people act offended because they don't like that you have found them out.

You really hit a lot of great points here.

[hahahmm]

"BUT you have also presented yourself as someone who is only good for sex" ... is all conditional/dependent on the first part where I said, "if ALL you give him is sex". I'm not saying that I know you showed yourself to only be good for sex.

Sounds like you're saying he is giving to other women in town the same stuff he is doing for you. That he wanted exclusive but then you reject that because he isn't acting exclusive? My observation in life is that relationships don't instantly become something. They grow over time as trust builds. But because you two are not really in synch enough you haven't grown closer.

It's not unusual for a man/woman to have attention from multiple opposite sex people so I wouldn't hold it against the guy because other women are trying to get him. That's competition. he's probably asking himself why he should pick you versus them. Maybe you two just aren't really compatible enough. If you're not interested in being competitive OR you think he's not giving you a fair chance then why even bother? Just call it quits. It's not like you're married or married with kids, rigjt?

[hahahmm]

I'm not saying it's okay if he is rubbing other women in your face or not putting in any effort tho.

[Asker]

I never ever once mentioned other women and that isn't what the issue is between us.

[hahahmm]

My response was based on you writing: "He is the one who wanted an exclusive, committed relationship with me. He just doesn't have a clue how to be in one."

This implies that he is doing something non exclusive... right? If you meant something else it's not clear there.

Secondly you wrote
===QUOTE===

"Acting like he only wants you for sex --- if he does not -- is deeply insulting and also dismissive of whatever else he is doing for you that he's not doing for all the other women in your town."

This is how he is going on. But people act offended because they don't like that you have found them out.
===END QUOTE==

"This is how he is going on" seems to be directly responding to where I speculated that he's doing things for other women in your town! But hey... I guess the bottom line is that your situation is complicated and you chose not to give details so *shrug*

[Asker]

Oh when I said he has no idea in how to be in one I more meant the depth of the relationship. Not other people. I can see where the confusion was.

[Ironic_Method]

I mean... it's either he's angry for beingbcalled out on the truth or he's angry that you would accuse him of it when it's not the case.

[Asker]

So there is no way of knowing and I just have to believe my feelings.

[sheikalana]

If you feel that he uses you then why do you keep having sex with him?

[Asker]

I only did once.

[Anonymous]

We get exhausted after sex
Thats all

[Asker]

It's true.