Do you go into a relationship ACTUALLY thinking about changing aspects of your SO's personality/habits?

[DishLady]

I tend to believe that a person's spiritual, intellectual, psychological and social core values and habits don't change. They're at least partially instinctive, partially cultivated over time, with many habits being extremely deep-seated (tied to experiences from childhood and early adulthood). While I also believe that as two people choose to get to know one another they do tend to find a middle ground where some compromises are made, it's always important to know and respect each other's core values and not expect the other person to change... As a result, I've always gone into a relationship understanding that the person has certain traits and responses, willing to respect it and trying to understand it as much as possible.

But of course not everyone is like this. I do have a few friends who married what the considered "fixer-upper" guys. (Young guys in their 20s who seemed rough around the edges and needed to adjust a few habits.) Till today, only ONE out of the group of ~10 women who believed this actually did change a few of her hubbie's habits, but to be fair, they both made substantial changes and grew together as a couple to a point that even when they disagree on how to proceed with something they have a cool, fun way to address it that works for them. (The other 9 ended up in some kind of couples therapy... and of those, several divorced.)

So now I'd like to hear from you guys and gals... Do you go into a relationship EXPECTING to be able to change CORE components of your SO's personality, values or habits?

[WindAtMyBack]

I learned my lesson on that. Never get into a conditional relationship. That means never get into a relationship that you accept the person only if something changes. If it's conditional it means you don't love them. It means you love someone else who is different than the person you are with.

I was with an alcoholic. She was a good person who was compatible in many ways. I waited, thinking she would quit drinking. I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Then one day I realized that I had waited through the prime years of my dating life. I waited on something that was never going to happen. Suddenly I was in my 40s wondering wtf happened.

Either you accept them for who they are now, or you find somebody else. Accepting them only if they change isn't accepting them.

[DishLady]

My goodness. I’m so sorry you went though this. I know that’s a very challenging situation.

[Twalli]

A lot of people aren't true to who they really are when they start dating. So you don't even know the real person you're dating at the beginning. If I don't like something about a person then we won't get anywhere. I let them know but they have to choose to change.

[DishLady]

It's true. I remember reading in some psych journal back in ~2010 that said it takes 90 days for a person to know what their potential partner is like because a person who is faking traits will start acting differently towards the end of a 90-day period. I tend to wait a bit longer to see what traits wash out.

Also, it's important not to just see how the person is in isolation... just with you... but how they are with other people around them. Are they kind to others or is it just an act for you? Are they courteous to children, the elderly and those in need... or is it just to you?

[Twalli]

That's usually how long people can act. Funnily enough That's usually the end of the honeymoon stage. My girlfriend and I skipped that altogether. We were our true selves from Day 1, although that may have been because we became friends first.

[DishLady]

That's sweet. I mean, some people are just genuine from the beginning and there isn't really a "honeymoon" phase anyway. (I'd rather have the real deal from the start anyway.)

[Twalli]

Makes it so easy. We know the person fell in love with you, not an act. You don't change after a few months, because you were you from Day 1.

[OlderAndWiser]

Experience has taught me that either

1. You can't change your partner, or

2. If they do make a change, there will be a significant price to pay, or resentment/anger/etc.

The formula for a good relationship is two people accepting each other exactly as they are, loving each other despite their flaws and disagreements, mixed in with lust, trust, and respect.

[DishLady]

YES, the resentment sits and festered. I'd rather know the person's quirks etc. rather than to end up with someone who will be angry about compromising too much just to be with me.

[OlderAndWiser]

Eventually, resentments erupt like Vesuvius!

[DishLady]

They sure do! Ooof.

[AviatorTom]

The old adage hints that women do, men don't.

Man: Honey, I love you, you're perfect, don't change, but she does change.
Woman: Honey, I love you, you're not perfect but I'll make you perfect, but he doesn't change.

[DishLady]

I've never heard this one...

[ProbablyClueless]

I do not, no. There are usually some things that I go into relationships thinking should change, but it's usually smaller behavioral type stuff that's more about basic communication than anything else.

Like, I would definitely go into a relationship with a woman wanting her to be more proactive about communicating whether she wanted to go on a vacation or something like that. It's not unreasonable to expect or even demand that my girlfriend would give REASONABLY timely answers to questions. If I ask you in the morning about whether you want to go to restaurant X or Y tonight, I really shouldn't be left in the dark about whether we're even having dinner together until early evening. There's just no need to live that way. And if the reason you haven't answered is because you genuinely don't have an answer, at a certain point, it's just good manners to tell your partner that you don't know and give them some idea of when you might know (if you're able).

I've found that a lot of American women approach relationships with the idea that men are sort of there to serve the woman. And that she shouldn't have to change anything, and if she does have to change, it's because he's being controlling. But the reality is that basic communication isn't control. I would argue that not doing basic communication drops into the realm of being abusive.

[DishLady]

I'm with you on paragraphs 1-2.

With paragraph three... dating in an American community (male or female) is less direct and so it seems a little odd. Though the community prides itself on being very young, vibrant and on the "shockingly direct" side, just looking at all the nonsense posted here on G@G is an indicator that both men and women tend to be needy, clingy, and much less self-aware than their european and mediterranean counterparts.

[ProbablyClueless]

I'm an American myself. I can't stand dating here. I'd be much happier to leave this country and search for love elsewhere.

[Danny_dan92]

You should never ever change aspects about your partner, force them to change what they do or anything like that.




This is why, it is important to date/get to know the person before even coming to the conclusion that they’re worth jumping into a relationship with.




If their interests, standards, expectations, behavior aren’t desirable. Then it isn’t meant to be. The chances of the relationship lasting or even remaining a healthy relationship is very very low.

[DishLady]

Agreed.

[sage2021]

I never try to change people. I learned many years ago that it just isn't fair to them if they can't be themselves.
The only person you can change is yourself.
Some people try to change other people because it's easier than them having to change. That is a fact!

[OfMiceandMen]

Never, but I don't tread into relationship waters without knowing who I am in the lifeboat with first. I tend to take longer than other people to get to know a person and their core values before taking it to the next level (s).

[DishLady]

Well said! I love the lifeboat... borrowing for someone I'm speaking with tomorrow.

[OfMiceandMen]

Sometimes the beaner works😊, sometimes it doesn't.😜

[DishLady]

Hahaha. Fair.

[Darkchild25]

No. Not initially into the relationship. It's all rose coloured glasses to start off with isn't it?

After a time one can choose to accept or work on differences. Stick with it and make it work or separate and start with someone new.

[DishLady]

Aaah, yeah, I'm too familiar with the rose colored glasses. I gave them up in my divorce, though, so I prefer a way more honest, realistic approach to relationships now. Everything up front so we can sort stuff out from the start and see if we're an actual match.

[Darkchild25]

I guess it has to be mutual if you want to work things out that is.
Some people aren't willing to work on things.
A lot of people these days are all about simplicity, an easy life and easy self gratification.

[DishLady]

Agreed! Thanks, DC, :)

[Darkchild25]

Thanks for the question and engaging with me

[worldscolide]

Fuck no, going into a relationship expecting to change your partner is a recipe for disaster and proves you're not a good match.

It's also a huge red flag.

[DishLady]

Amen.

[worldscolide]

People only change when they want to.

I for one made a lot of changes for my wife, none of which she asked for, they were what I felt were necessary to become a better man, the man she deserves.

[DrPepper12]

If you do be prepared for BITTER ALL CONSUMING EXISTENTIAL disappointment. people dont change for YOU, they change for THEMSELVES!

[DishLady]

🎊🎊🎊 AH! Eureka! Someone who knows what existentialism is. Yay! 🎊🎊🎊

Yes, totally agree.

[DrPepper12]

TY existentialism and Stoicism walk hand in hand like lovers for me!!

[DishLady]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[DrPepper12]

@DishLady you're opinions are on point and accurate! TY

[loveslongnails]

No, I don't expect someone to change very much in the course of a relationship, when it comes to basic personality traits.

[Dongie]

Hell no. That's the worst thing I can think of to do. Right up there with heh if you lost 30-40 pounds you'd be a 10.

[Anonymous]

Nope and no one should. It will ultimately fail. There are to many women who think that they can do this because they always seem to think that they know best

[MacDaddyRico]

If you're a narcissist, yes

[MacDaddyRico]

What kind of person would purposely enter a relationship planning to change their partner?
That's insane!

[DishLady]

Oh... I've seen some DOOZIES. It's not personally the way I go about it, but some folks go into a relationship looking to change and control the other person... The result is usually either "complete disaster" or one person ends up in an abusive situation. Very unsavory in my opinion. :(

[MrGSpotHer]

Maybe habits to match more with mine

[NathanDavis]

Never.

[eagle1951]

never